Re: Jamie Stroud >> This dude needs to be the next big porn star
^true enough
If I reflect on it, it's rather that his vulerablity, his humanity, his ethos, his intimate nature as a human life, and his naiveity to life called to the wounded me.
The damaged, hurting parts of myself that understand exactly what he means when he talks about climbing up into the space between the roof and the storefloor and just......sitting there for hours.
And I fear for the part of myself, as I cherish that humanity in me. And so, by his revealing a shared point of contact, my fears over myself become projected on him.
Even deeper, I see in him the same loathing and struggle as I see in myself. That makes me fiercely proctedive, stubborn and unrepenting in my unjustified defense.
A part of me wants to protect a part of him, and so I reject seeing him as a seuxal object, as I do not ever see myself as one.
Further, the comments of others on this post are, at times, cruel. Perhaps carelessly so or simply perhaps imagined.....
yet, I see the misunderstanding of others and it reminds me of the misundertandings I live with as.......
And so, in this strange and perhaps unexpected manner,
I made postings that expressed my desire to both shield another from the rejections I know so well and a desire to sustain connection, to not corrupt connection with sexuality....As my way.
I don't make any excuses for that, nor do I truly feel a need to.
As for disablity studies, yes, I am using stare to "other" him. Delibrately. I'd rather he been seen as something "other" and untouchable, than as something human and hurting.
It helps me sleep better at night and it makes me feel more powerful than I truly am. Perhaps that is folly.......
but again, I stress,
one man's porn is another man's pain.
Can we really say that the porn we watch and largely consume unquestioned is all by people who have choices, either economic ones or personal ones. Can we be sure we aren't enabling someones misery? We can't. (And things like finding out that russian soldiers were forced to do porn/prostition, knowing that Westerns travel to other countries and economicly exploit others into the sex trade, etc. certainly suggest that we might be)
And I think reminding people of our tremdous vulrenbility is something of worth, however fragile and wrong my attempt may have been. (nor do I ignore our agency in this thing, and perhaps his website is an expression of agency)