Read me

[merman1234]

I was sitting on my bed...for last little while I have found myself...empty. No hope or passion for the next day. This is when I found myself holding a pen and when it tocuhed the paper this is what came out.
It's all pretty random, but this is the first time I have ever actually written about myself and being gay. Please read.
First of all, I'm gay. I find that to be my biggest flaw in life. When I saw flaw I do not mean being gay is bad. I mean flaw is in problem. Thats all I have ever gotten from being gay. I find that I can never fully reveal myself. No matter how close I get to any human being there will always be that one things I fear them finding out. ( with the exception of my best friend-girl) I find the word "gay" so scary. I fear it and all that is connected to it. Proably one of my least favorite words in the whole entire world is "fag". I cower when I hear it. For that word has hurt me many times. I find that that even though noone really knows I am gay I still get bashed and butchered for what others assume. (they are right of course, but they don't know it) They assume I'm gay and because of it they instantly hate me. I never even got the chance to plead my case to them( which human beings shouldn't have to even do to each other in the first place) Instanly I am at the bottome of their respect list. Because thats what people like me get. No respect. if people already hate me so much for something they don't even know then how will everyone feel when I tell them "you're right I'm gay"I feel like any happiness I am clinging onto will be torn out fron underneith me.
my downfall is my biggest secret ever.
how do I go on lving when day after day my heart beats alone?
I look at all those around and watch them find happinessand love. I can't even open my mouth to express any of this. I find myself muted and unable to fully express myself. Some could look at my problem and simply say "just come out!"but those are the ones who do not understand.
you trying telling the world something that could possibly make them hate you for it. Make them think that you don't deserve breath.
Yes FUCK I AM GAY BUT PLEASE ACCEPT ME ANYWAYS!

I played with barbies when I was a little boy. I dressed up and played in gowns and wigs. I favored the heroine instead of the hero. I always found it easier to bond with girls rather than boys.
I would rather kiss a boy than a girl. I fell in love with a boy. I like men!
How could I not be gay?

Even if my closest allies shall not hate me for it, I know there are some who will not except me for it.

I am different from the other boys.

I have never been able to fully tell someone I love them. <3

I dream for the day I can hug and kiss a boy and feel safe doing so.

A lot of the time I think I am made wrong. I am incorrect.

I can see the hate in your eyes and it hurts.

When I walk past you I am certain you mutter the word "fag"under your breath.

I've been hurt and harmed so much that I know I am scared. Scared for life.

How will I know any bit of my life is true?

,u life is a lie and when the lie is broken what will come of it?

What will my family think?
Will my mother hate me?

How many people will scowl and say "I told you so"

Right now I feel I am fighting to prove them wrong. I am trying to prove the haters wrong. I am trying to keep my friends love. I lie because it saves me from being hurt.
I don't want to be hurt.
Who does?

My heart is slowly closing off to the world.
1. Because I am unable to share and real love.
&
2.Because I am never able to get any real love.

No good has ever come of this....I'm starting to loose faith in the world and in myself.

Anyways...those are thoughts that race around my head constantly...and now more than ever...it's getting much harder to deal with.
Anyone help?

thanks for reading.

 

[GL]

OK. First off. There is nothing wrong with you! You're fine, just a little scared. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I think most of us have all been scared about being gay at one point or another, for the very reasons you listed. The good thing is that you've admitted your sexuality to yourself. That's a start and a healthy one. Self realization is key. Now you need to work on acceptance. Once you can accept your reality for yourself, you can begin to fashion the world around you to fit your reality. I truly think if you hang around here and read and participate on these boards, you will begin to feel more and more comfortable with who and what you are. I know that's how I got past the point you're at right now. So hang in there guy. It will get better.

 

[Riverrick]

Merman, your conscious thoughts are the subconscious thoughts that many of us have had growing up. They are the result of a terrible disconnect between the reality of who you are and who the world tells you that you are supposed to be. And that disconnect leads to isolation, anxiety, and depression.

Its time to stand up and affirm that you are perfect the way you are. This is the way you were made. This is how you are supposed to be. There is nothing wrong with you.

Its really important that you begin to grasp this idea. For me, once I did I got angry. Angry that I was put through so much torment when I was just being myself. The problem isn't with you, merman, its with them.

I think you sound like you need some help fairly soon. I really want to encourage you to find a counsellor with whom you can let these feelings out and begin to work through your issues. If you have one person who believes in you, it can make a big difference. Good Luck!

 

[Christopher123]

Your heart doesn't beat alone.It beats with the hundreds of thousands or millions before you that have felt the same way.

I'll second this statement wholeheartedly.

Merman, you're not alone. I've been right where you are now. And I still sometimes have my moments of depression. But it's not because I don't like who I am - I do now. I like myself for who and what I am and I've accepted myself as well. It wasn't easy, but I did it.

I remember feeling 'different', especially in school and around my friends. My friends who would whistle at the girls and expect me to do the same. My friends who would fag-bash the obvious gays... and yeah, it hurt. Because I knew I was just like the ones they were bashing. But I could never admit it. I stayed quiet. And felt completely lost and alone.

I could go on but you get the idea. Don't give up on yourself, don't beat yourself up. Your post brought tears to my eyes. But like the others have said, you're not alone. Stay here, talk to us, there are people in this world that understand way better than you think.

 

[merman1234]

thnaks to all of you.
You know, I'm not deyning I'm gay. Yes I know. At this point in time I'm proably not 100% okay with it, but I am getting there. One of my deartest friends in life is coming to visit me in a bit. I plan to come out to them. I understand what you guys are saying.

And yes I am paranoid. I am scared of the world. I don't show it. No one in the world would guess it, but I am. I know there are billions out there who would give me support in a second. but I know in the sitation I am in right now isn't the best for what you are sugjesting.

To me coming out is like cliff diving. It must be a thrill of many emotions and in the end..(hopefully) everything ends safley and you look back on it all and think "that was nothing"

I am slowly getting to the point where I am ready to jump. No offence taken to the guy who offered help from a counsellor but I don't that thats my kind of thing. I have the bestest friend ever who understands me completely...her parents are both in the fields of helping and if I really needed to I could go to them. Which some day I plan to.(they mean a lot to me).

The whole thing is...yes I have bottled all this up and I just need to start releasing some of it. I have one person who knows and I can't possible find myself running to them EVERY single time I have something I need to get out. Slowly...ver slowly...I am getting through this...and in fact that writting above was me getting out a lot of those stupid fears.

Thanks so much for the advice. WOW

 

[Christopher123]

And yes I am paranoid. I am scared of the world. I don't show it. No one in the world would guess it, but I am.

We would

Meaning... we know.

 

[GL]

The whole thing is...yes I have bottled all this up and I just need to start releasing some of it. I have one person who knows and I can't possible find myself running to them EVERY single time I have something I need to get out. Slowly...ver slowly...I am getting through this...and in fact that writting above was me getting out a lot of those stupid fears.

Letting go of all those feelings and releasing all that anxiety is a good thing. And this is a great place to get all of that out of your system. It isn't quite the same as having a friend down the hall, but at least you know here we will all listen. Best of luck to you! Hopefully we'll see more of you around the boards.

 

[trawler69]

Merman
I read your post back in April where you were agonising over telling your best male friend that you were Gay and loved him. Then your posts stopped. Did you ever resolve that? As ever the advice given above is good. At least you have come out to yourself. In your previous thread you said you had loads of friends and that you made friends easily. True friends will support you when you come out and they will condem those who are not accepting of your sexuality. You will also be helping others to come out. This is your chance to do something positive for yourself and demolish those demons in your head.

Take courage man and go for it, I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

 

[CuriousMonkey]

Everything changes once you (re)discover all the reasons to be proud of yourself, and realize that any initial ill will you might feel from strangers doesn't really count for much - because it isn't about YOU anyways, its about whatever screwy ideas they might have in their head.

You're right - coming out feels like jumping off of a cliff. The scary part is not knowing how others will react. I've found most of my family and friends to be super-supportive and that feels great. Some have not been so wonderful (my mom is at the top of that list), but even with them I think its better to get past that initial bump and move on honestly, with or without them. At least you'll no longer need to worry about what you might say or do to tip them off, or how they're going to feel about you.

 

[tallguy297]

G'day Merman,

Mate - you are not alone and you will never be alone as long as you are brave enough and strong enough to ask for help. Feel proud that you have the courage to seek advice and to want to be all you can be. You are walking a path that all of us at some stage take...some steps are tenative and others are bold...but big or small we have all taken those steps knowing that there are others out there who have done this before. There isnt a situation that you can think of that someone hasn't faced before....and all of us are here with you in some form or another.

Your fears and concerns are completely normal and natural. Your feelings of pain and guilt are real and the fact that you are scared of others judgements makes you the most normal guy around. No one likes to be judged or to be viewed differently...some do put on an act...others wear their hearts on their sleeves...we all deal with these things differntly.

But when I read your post I see a brave courageous guy. One who knows that he seeks love and acceptance and is strong enough to say it. One who can see the good in the world because he knows some of the bad. One who sees and feels other people and those around him. One who can articulate his thoughts and emotions in a way that touches those around him. One who knows himself well enough to want more than hes got and be brave enough to start fighting for it. One who wants the people he cares for to see the real him...Your openess and honesty is a wonderful thing Merman. You have a lot of good in you and the people you care about and who love you will know that too.

How you chose to deal with your situation is up to you mate. There is no right or wrong way to do this ...and all the ways have been tried. You take it as fast or as slow as you want - this is your life and your story to tell...dont feel you have to conform to anyones script.

Just remember Merman, the choice you make to share your life with someone close to you is the choice that starts you on your course to finding love, finding acceptance and peace. And you will. Just because we are gay it doesnt mean we are condemned to a loveless meaningless life. That would be a life wasted and its not a choice that anyone should accept. You are strong enough to take the first step. Big or small it doesnt matter...beleive in yourself and the bonds that you share with your friends and family. Trust in your honesty and desire to be true to yourself and those around you. You are at the beginning of the rest of your life...the life you deserve.

And we are always here...

 

[merman1234]

You know, before I talked about how much hate there was out there. How much hate for myself from people I didn't even know.
It's a situation like this that makes all those problems fade. I do not know any of you, I don't know your face or your voice and here you are helping me with my life. All because I simply asked. I can't even begint o thank you.
Well as I said before...my first post above..was me finally writting the thoughts I had trapped in my head down. These are things that haunt me and I can tell you it did feel good getting them out. I plan to read that to my best friend in a few days...that way I can truely get it out. (best friends are always good for listening)
trawler69- funny you should mention that story. While sitting on the computer waiting for replies from this very post I went back and read the rest of the responses from my old posts.
Yes I still find myself in love with my friend. Just today I found us sitting together in class flirting wildly. but also today I found him talking away absent mindeldly at the lunch table, talking about his dislikes of what was going on around us at the time. I think this is stupid ...ect.
It's like he is two faced or something...but I know that him and that problem in itself has caused me so much grief and sorrow that I just try not to make it my main focus.
The senario there plays a big part into my post now. For if I would have never found him I would still be wondering many things.
I wouldn't want love so badly, I wouldn't dislike myself so much at times.
Either way...I'm not forcing myself to find a solution with him. I will play my part( be nice back even when he isn't nice to me, talk to him even when it seems "we shouldn't be talking right now", don't try and get over him or stop talking to him to delete him.) I'm just going with it...waiting. So we'll see but thanks.