Ready to Start

[Briguy005]

First I want to say that I know writing on here for help won't give me any definitive answers, but I hope that searching for assistance on here will give me a "jump start"
I have recently, after 21 years, have started to come to terms with my sexuality, mostly due to the fact that I am lonely. About 90% of my friends are in relationships and I seem to be playing the 3rd or 5th wheel quite often. I have never been in any type of relationship, ever. I say it is because I want to concentrate on school, but really it is hard to have a relationship with another guy when no one knows that you are gay. I really don't have any gay friends or connections to the gay community. I guess I could be considered "straight acting" so i don't really get hit on/flirt too often, although I try to make eye contact as much as possible but that hasn't gotten me anywhere, reasonably. So basically what this all has led to is a lot of nights spent in due to the fact that I am really kind of sick of hanging around couples all the time. I am not too big of a drinker so bars aren't really my thing, not that I would find anything there anyway. So my real question here is how can I find someone, even a few gay friends would help. I know I sound amateur but where do I go to find someone, what tips/tricks should I use. Do I need to come out first , would that make it easier? I hear a lot about bookstores being a hot spot for gay guys but every time I go, no luck. Is it best to look online? Yeah i know that they say you are less likely to find love when you are not looking for it, but doing nothing certainly hasnt helped me either. I dont know maybe I am stupid for writing this post, but then again if simply admitting that I need help points me in a better direction then i guess it isn't so futile. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening guys.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

First I want to say that I know writing on here for help won't give me any definitive answers, but I hope that searching for assistance on here will give me a "jump start"
I have recently, after 21 years, have started to come to terms with my sexuality, mostly due to the fact that I am lonely. About 90% of my friends are in relationships and I seem to be playing the 3rd or 5th wheel quite often. I have never been in any type of relationship, ever. I say it is because I want to concentrate on school, but really it is hard to have a relationship with another guy when no one knows that you are gay. I really don't have any gay friends or connections to the gay community. I guess I could be considered "straight acting" so i don't really get hit on/flirt too often, although I try to make eye contact as much as possible but that hasn't gotten me anywhere, reasonably. So basically what this all has led to is a lot of nights spent in due to the fact that I am really kind of sick of hanging around couples all the time. I am not too big of a drinker so bars aren't really my thing, not that I would find anything there anyway. So my real question here is how can I find someone, even a few gay friends would help. I know I sound amateur but where do I go to find someone, what tips/tricks should I use. Do I need to come out first , would that make it easier? I hear a lot about bookstores being a hot spot for gay guys but every time I go, no luck. Is it best to look online? Yeah i know that they say you are less likely to find love when you are not looking for it, but doing nothing certainly hasnt helped me either. I dont know maybe I am stupid for writing this post, but then again if simply admitting that I need help points me in a better direction then i guess it isn't so futile. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening guys.

Dude,

You have got a good head on your shoulders, to start with.

Doing nothing has really never worked for me either. The good, ole' 'grabbin' the bull by the horns' really works wonders here. Completely amazing, what you can acheieve, once you start working on it.

Place a cool profile on a few gay dating web sites, making sure that you do not leave out local and regional ones. You do not want to start with a complex long-distance internet based relationship, if you can help it, rite?

Hit a gay bar, spa, whatever and check those places out. Sure, they are all about sex. And there is nothing wrong with that either. If you click on with someone, you can make even better friends and mates, knowing that the tested sex between you two guys works well.

Lots of fellow JUBers swear on hittin' the local chapter of LGBT or something. Give it a try. I do not think, it can hurt. Never done a thing for me, though.

You'll hear a lot of people joining a gay choir, sports club or something. Never done a thing for me, but has worked well for the others.

Arm yourself with loads of patience and be prepared to be disappointed and rejected at times. That all comes with the territory.

Finally, you certainly do not need to come out to anyone, in order to pair up with someone. In particular, within the college environment, many 'qualified' dudes would rather keep their private life, well, ehm, private. Some are only experimenting, the others are genuinely gay and may be coming out (or not) depending on their individual situations, and some are just looking for someone to befriend and get their rocks off with, without putting any label to it.

The coming out will not save you any footwork, you have to do anyway. IMHE, most guys either find you attractive and will want to befriend you and quickly pick it up from there, if that is what they are after, or they do not see you as possible partner to start with, and your being gay, str8, bi, asian, white, black, athletic or old or young, do not do a thing to them.

Last but not least. You are absolutely right in feeling that you should leave your partnered friends to themselves. They really do not need you to hang around them and you have your own project at hand and have no time to waste being a decoration on other people's happiness.

Just do it.

SC

 

[rareboy]

Welcome to the world.

Your friends are pretty thick if they don't realize that you are in need of a boyfriend and fix you up. Why don't you ask them if they have any spare guys they know of.

That being said, you need to try different experiences and see what feels right. I'm not a great fan of the virtual world dating but I know it has worked out wonderfully for a lot of people.

If you're not a gym bunny, time to think about it.

If you're religious (or indifferent), try a gay congregation somewhere.

Join a lgbt group, although they all tend to be angry and political.

I actually met a number of interesting people and friends by eating at gay restaurants. Less pressure than a bar. On several occasions when I was eating alone, I would be invited to join others.

...and don't be afraid to hit the baths. It isn't all just about sex. sometimes you might meet someone who also has something interesting to say when their mouth isn't full.

 

[thewiz]

You have said that you are in school Briguy -- check out to see if there is a LGBT chapter or group on campus. Unless it is a religious school, it will probably have some type of program for gay students to offer support. I play on a sports team here in DC and a lot of the guys I play with are active in those chapters. I've gone to some of their fund raisers and some have quite a few students involved.

If there isn't one at your school, check the listings for some in your area. Go to some of the meetings -- it might be just the thing to at least meet some people that can understand where you are and accept you for who you are.

As to putting a profile on some of the web sites, just know that many people who will contact you are not looking for friendship but a quick hook-up. When I first came out and moved here, I put my name on a couple and certainly did meet some interesting people. I am still friends with three of the people I met; most of the rest were only interested in a one-night quickie. I would tell you that if you join and are going to meet someone -- do it in a public place like a Starbucks or coffee shop. There are also some that might be a little odd and you don't want any further contact past a coffee!

I'd also echo what Rareboy said just above me -- go online and search "Gay (insert your city)". You'll usually find some gay businesses nearby or in your town (if it's a university town, there are gay-friendly someplace). Stop at a restaurant and eat a meal. Here in DC we have a place called Annie's and I met the waiters when I moved here and became friends; they would seat me at tables next to other guys so I could meet, talk, even ended up dating someone. Heck, I met a doctor from the gay men's clinic that way and we have stayed friends for two years.

I joined a "Flaming Football on the Mall" group and play football with gay and straight guys every Sunday. It was a great way to meet a lot of people and I've never regretted it. Check to see if there is a Flaming Football group in your area (I think there is one someplace in PA).

If all else fails, I know Pittsburgh and Phillie have some great gay bars and clubs; I've stayed in touch with several guys I met both working at the bar and just who I got to know in a few days at conferences...

 

[SatyreMarsayas]

Briguy005,

You've got a lot of excellent advice from SilverRRCloud, Rareboi and TheWiz. Please take it.

I'd like to offer you a corollary. This is what I did after I moved to a new city and met a guy who broke my heart. I decided that I needed to get clear about what man I wanted in my life.

I made a list of his attributes. I was as specific as I could be. I included body type and interests etc. I thought about what I wanted in a relationship and what sex I wanted. I thought about his career and spirit. I listed them all out. I made a very detailed description of my fantasy man.

I read and modified this list over about six months. I read it several times a week.

We met at a mutual friend's party. We have not been separated since.

Who is your fantasy man? What else do you want to think about? If you tell yourself that there is no one for you, there won't be. If you affirm the existence of your fantasy, then he shows up.

Good Luck! Though you don't need it!

Satyre

 

[Briguy005]

Thanks for all of the good advice guys. I think that the fact that I am no out has held me back a lot. It is something I will do eventually, just not at this point in my life.
As for SatyreMarsayas, your advice was especially helpful. If I am not mistaken, you use some form of the "Law of attraction" which I have read about. I never really thought about applying it to my situation until now. Thank you again. I really appreciate the support that I have gotten from you guys here.

 

[Oden_grey]

Place a cool profile on a few gay dating web sites, making sure that you do not leave out local and regional ones. You do not want to start with a complex long-distance internet based relationship, if you can help it, rite?

If you want brief, asinine contacts with gays, Briguy005 that's a perfect place to start. Match maker sites are packed to the brim with staged photos and more opinions of dislikes than likes. The phase "shit floats to the top" pretty much descibes every online dating site.

Hit a gay bar, spa, whatever and check those places out. Sure, they are all about sex. And there is nothing wrong with that either. If you click on with someone, you can make even better friends and mates, knowing that the tested sex between you two guys works well.

Double yawn... again if one-night-stands are your thing, Briguy005 and you look like Ryan Phillipe, then bars are great. But if you are just an ordinary guy you won't even get a glance.

Lots of fellow JUBers swear on hittin' the local chapter of LGBT or something. Give it a try. I do not think, it can hurt. Never done a thing for me, though.

Oh boy, where do I start! Just about every LGBT club in practically every university in America is full of a bunch of narcissistic queers and their fag hags. Oh, and drama to boot! So if you like a little entertainment at the end of a long week, by all means, stop by and watch the fur fly!

You'll hear a lot of people joining a gay choir, sports club or something. Never done a thing for me, but has worked well for the others.

Now I think this might be a step in the right direction. Find something you enjoy doing and do it as often as possible.

Arm yourself with loads of patience and be prepared to be disappointed and rejected at times. That all comes with the territory.

"At times" should be replaced with "most of the time" if you are average looking. However, rejection might not always be a bad thing, especially if you are a quality guy... leave the rubbish for others to pick up.

The coming out will not save you any footwork, you have to do anyway. IMHE, most guys either find you attractive and will want to befriend you and quickly pick it up from there, if that is what they are after, or they do not see you as possible partner to start with, and your being gay, str8, bi, asian, white, black, athletic or old or young, do not do a thing to them.

This is actually quite true. It's a very terrible thing to be unsure of yourself and gay. That can lead to quite a few lonely nights. However, do your best with your situation and try to seek contentment OUTSIDE of relationships. Relationships, I've come to realise aren't a fix-all... they add more complications and problems whether or not you are prepared to deal with them. It is understandable that at 21 you are lonely because all your friends have dates. Believe me, I know that feeling... my best friend got married this past summer after a string of friends got married over the past couple years. I work now, so pretty much everyone in my team at the office has a wedding ring or girl/guy friend. But I am not going to rush into a relationship for fear of being alone... because if you rush into one, a relationship that is bad will make you sick with unrelenting emotions that do more harm than good.

Do good in the world and do good for yourself. Once you have found contentment in your own life, through following long sought after dreams, goals, and ambitions... tip your hat and see what falls in. If a relationship doesn't come to pass, then it's everyone else's loss but yours... I guarantee it.