Recent started toying with the idea that I'm gay

[dubindan]

It is breaking me down. I have always been one way, and percieved one way (apparently many gay people give off the vibe that their gay and don't realize it, probably true for me too) and the idea of switching my entire life around and accepting that I've been living a lie and that I've been untruthful to my friends and family hurts beyond description.

I can't sleep. I just assumed I was at least bi-curious but considering my epic fail(s) with girl(s) I am beginning to wonder if I'm straight gay (ha, zing). I feel that I've always fantasized about men but a certain type (aka bear) that I am far from. I don't konw if I'm just so rittled with insecurities that I can't accept that I am gay or if I just wish I appeared more masculine and just really admire the body type that I wish I had.

I have fallen for four people in my life. Three were girls - all of which I wish I would have made moves on because they were amazing in every way. One was a guy - fit the bill of description (looks) but was also a hell of a guy. None of them went anywhere because I am too petrified to make any sort of move on anyone and just seem to lack the skill to move from flirty and lovey eyes to anything physical.

Never fooled around with a guy or a girl. The thought of either scares the fuck out of me and I don't know why. I'm on a gay forum, so, there's that. I like some gay porn, but really dislike most of it. I like some straight porn, but dislike a lot of it. I'm a total romantic in my head and was brainwashed as a child about sex via the good'ol church. The porn that I do like is definitely not just 'fucking,' but is way more passionate (romantic).

I've never truly accepted any failures as my own and can't imagine 'admiting defeat,' to the notion that I could be and or am gay. It doesn't fit what I've wanted for my life and I am sick and tired of being 'different,' and have been 'different,' in enough ways in my life. I don't want this too.

I'm f'd in the head. I know I should probably go to counseling - but that mean admitting you have a problem, in person, which I don't do. Ever. I'm not trying to be offensive to anyone here or who you sleep with - I wish I had my act together enough to be one or the other and not this horrible mut inbetween with no sense of direction. I thought I didn't care about who slept with who or who got married to who until it showed up on my plate and now I'm freaking out. I don't want to concede my so called 'straightness,' only to find out later that I was just really messed up in the head for a bit or confused - then I would have to recant my 'coming out,' which would be exponentially more embarassing than coming out in the first place?

Yeah, read that. Tell me what I am, that I'm Fucked, Crazy, Broken, Gay, Straight, Sexually inept. I have a ton of shit going on in my life right now and every time I get stressed I always dwell on some stupid thing that almost breaks me down and then I'm done with the tests and it goes away till next time. Fucking hell.

/ rant of a very confused insecure (yet outwordly confident), twenty some odd guy losing his mind.

 

[deserter85]

Wow. Your story was 100% like mine. Seriously.

The epic fails with regards to relationships (both males and females) cos I'm too scared to make a move.
The fascination with bears - and I also put it down to wishing I was more "masculine-looking" to make my fascination seem "not gay".
Liking only some of the gay and straight porn (but truthfully I was watching the guy all the way for straight porn).
And until this year, I didn't fool around with either sexes too - females cos truthfully I'm not interested and guys cos I was fighting that desire so badly that I felt everything was really messed up.

So I think you might be interested to know what I did next, who knows, you could be in the same situation as me in the future as everything you had described sounded so eerily like me 10 months ago. So here's a crystal ball peek into what could be your future.

I tried having sex with guys. Which I enjoyed greatly.
However, there were some issues initially. I had to deal with the "internal struggles" that I had after I came - I felt dirty, disgusted with myself etc as I was still struggling with the fact that I might be gay.
But, I soon realized that no matter how disgusted I was with myself for having sex with guys, I really wanted to do it again. I don't really know how, but eventually I overcame my homophobia - I think the self-loathing just got easier to deal with when I kept having sex with guys.
Then in June, I met my boyfriend. It was initially just an internet hookup whereby we'd just be fuckbuddies. However, we fell head over heels for each other.
And I can tell you truthfully, I've never been happier.
And if I had continued to not try having sex with guys, I'd probably be so frustrated and depressed I could have done something really stupid - because that was how I felt until I started to explore my true desires.

Hope I was of some help.

 

[dubindan]

It sort of does. I was really hoping you would have said you slept with some chick and all your problems disapeared. I'm apparently becoming an optimist. :-/

It helps in the fact that I'm going to eventually have to face this.

It also sucks because I hate myself because of this. I don't want this, didn't have a choice, and that really pisses me off. I was always told you can do anything you want to if you put your mind to it. I feel like I'd rather live in denial for the rest of my life. I realize that sounds really hateful but I'm not going to lie. I hate just about every aspect of my being remotely involved with the idea of being gay. I'd go as far to say I will pull out the bible and start prayin' again cuz if this is any indication of the struggles to come (if i ever do come to terms or realize) I'm out. Game over...72 hours ago I was completely ok with my life. Who the fuck are you supposed to talk to about this. Its not like I can pull one of my friends over and be like - hey so i think i might be gay. Now what. yay, life rocks.

People don't loath themselves when they first realize they want some pussy. I don't see why I should loath myself for this or any part of this but I do - there in lies my problem. If I have to learn to like or accept it I can learn to like or accept anything. If It doesn't feel right, why does it come across my mind? What the fuck. I don't feel guilty after mentally fucking a girl. I don't feel guilt, remorse, disgust. Honestly, i could care less if I was gay and didn't have to 'learn to like it,' but that does not sound or seem right to me in any way shape or form. I think I may have answered my question. If not answered, at least warrented some more research into this because I am going to be really fucking sure its not for me before I choose to destroy everything I've ever wanted out of life.

 

[gambit22121]

Sigh...

Not sure where to start but here goes.

On a positive note, you're young and romantic. You're open and have thought about being with either sex and have fallen for both guys and girls. You have family and friends in your life (where many people don't).

On a negative note, you've repressed your feelings and sexuality, you have body image issues, you're a virgin and very confused. Add to that, STRESS.

Sounds like what a lot of people go through. You're not broken. You're normal. You're confused and not handling the stress very well. How you've dealt with things to this point really doesn't matter. It's in the past. It's just how you deal with it from this point on that will define you.

It's obvious that you can't deal with this on your own and at this point won't seek out help. But you will need to talk to someone to help work through things. Just try to be patient and positive until you get to the point where you will talk to someone. And just remember that there is nothing wrong with being straight, bi or gay. It's just a part of who you are.

Keep posting questions, thoughts, problems to the forums and keep your mind open to the responses.

 

[deserter85]

The plan for me was to try out both sexes. I just never got round to hook up with a chick cos I was enjoying sex with guys too much. Maybe you're gay, maybe you're bi, maybe you're straight.
You'll never know until you try.

I know how you feel right now - the self loathing, the frustration etc. The feeling like you're all alone on an island because there's nobody you can talk to about these feelings that you have. I've been there.

Here's the thing - if you don't have anyone else to talk to, someone to bounce ideas off, the concept of "trying things out" becomes A LOT more important. How the hell are you going to figure out what do you prefer if you don't try and you can't talk to anyone about it?

I even attended church in a vain attempt to repress my homosexuality. Not just any church, it was one of those fundamentalist Christian church that preaches about how the whole world is going to hell for all their sins of greed, homosexuality and whatnot. I thought, if there was a church that could knock the gay out of me, that would be it. But it doesn't work. It just made me hate myself a lot more. So I can tell you, save yourself the grief for the bible isn't gonna do you much good.

 

[dubindan]

I've already read it. I have never seriously considered it as an option for life (religion). I actually read it the first time through to shut a few kids at my school up - with verses - biblical misconduct. But I figured it was fighting fire with fire at that point.

I have way too much shit to do right now. I might be back, might not. We will see I guess.

 

[G-Lexington]

Let me zero in on two things that you mention, because I think they're worth investigating further.

>>>the idea of switching my entire life around and accepting that I've been living a lie and that I've been untruthful to my friends and family hurts beyond description.

If you think there's milk in the fridge, and you tell someone "there's milk in the fridge"...and it ends up somebody drank it all, you're not a liar. You're simply mistaken. Similarly, you haven't been untruthful to people about your sexual orientation if you didn't know what your sexual orientation was. If you thought (or assumed) you were straight, then that's what you presumably told people. If it does end up you're gay, that doesn't make you a liar.

And before I leave this bit, try taking three steps back and looking at the situation as objectively as you can. Say you're gay, and you tell family and friends. You feel they'll...what? Be disappointed in you? Either for "ending up gay", or for "not telling them sooner"? And do you really think they'll react that way?

>>>I don't want this, didn't have a choice, and that really pisses me off.

I can't speak for anybody else here, but I don't think any of us, as children, hoped against hope that we'd grow up gay. Or planned on being gay. None of us were given a choice, either. It just so happened that we were. And for many of us, after we accepted it, we've not just "grown resigned to it", but decided it actually kicks ass. Which brings me to...

>>>I was always told you can do anything you want to if you put your mind to it.

Fine as far as it goes. But say you want to be eight feet tall. There's certain things that you're dealt in life that you simply just have to deal with. You're as tall as you are, you're left- or right-handed, and you're gay, straight, or bi. And the issues come not from "getting dealt the wrong hand", but from forcing yourself, or insisting to yourself, that you're X when you're Y.

Say for some reason you're tall. Like really tall. Eight feet tall. You could live in denial of this, and go shopping at the regular clothing stores, and try to operate your car with the seat up, and get into fetal position as you get into your twin bed at night. Or you could accept it. Go shopping at the big'n'tall shops, get the car equipped, and get yourself a much bigger bed. Doing the latter won't make you any shorter, but it sure as hell is gonna make you happier.

And keep in mind that being gay means one thing - you dig guys. That's it. It doesn't involve a makeover, or a wardrobe overhaul, or anything else. You're still you. It's just that a part of that you involves you digging guys.

So then. ARE you gay? Tough to say. You certainly could be. Or perhaps you're bisexual. And there's a chance that you're simply "sexually stunted". You say you're too petrified to move from sexual fantasy to sexual reality - with men OR women. Of those, I'm leaning towards you being bisexual, with a decent-to-good chance that you're actually gay but have enough "denial" in place to fudge yourself into the bisexual realm. But my guesses don't really matter. What matters is "what should you do?"

Honestly? Just try it out a bit. Assume you're bisexual for awhile. Feel free to surreptitiously check out guys or girls as you see fit. Watch porn if you want, or read erotic stories, with gay OR straight OR bisexual themes. Or stick with fantasy when you're jerking off. And fantasize about anything you want - guys, girls, both, strangers, LTRs, groups, aliens, monsters, robots. And get INTO it. Don't do it tentatively with a "gee, this is weird" or "this means I'm gay, and that's bad" attitude. Just give in to a "this is what's turning me on right now, and that's what I'm gonna think about until orgasm." And ENJOY it. Because solo sex is still sex, and sex kicks ass.

You won't have your answer tomorrow, or next week most likely. But you've at least identified that there's possibly a problem, and you've decided to try to do something about it. That's two steps forward already.

>>>Who the fuck are you supposed to talk to about this.

US, meathead. That's why we're here.

Lex

 

[LonelyFace]

It is breaking me down. I have always been one way, and percieved one way (apparently many gay people give off the vibe that their gay and don't realize it, probably true for me too) and the idea of switching my entire life around and accepting that I've been living a lie and that I've been untruthful to my friends and family hurts beyond description.

I can't sleep. I just assumed I was at least bi-curious but considering my epic fail(s) with girl(s) I am beginning to wonder if I'm straight gay (ha, zing). I feel that I've always fantasized about men but a certain type (aka bear) that I am far from. I don't konw if I'm just so rittled with insecurities that I can't accept that I am gay or if I just wish I appeared more masculine and just really admire the body type that I wish I had.

I have fallen for four people in my life. Three were girls - all of which I wish I would have made moves on because they were amazing in every way. One was a guy - fit the bill of description (looks) but was also a hell of a guy. None of them went anywhere because I am too petrified to make any sort of move on anyone and just seem to lack the skill to move from flirty and lovey eyes to anything physical.

Never fooled around with a guy or a girl. The thought of either scares the fuck out of me and I don't know why. I'm on a gay forum, so, there's that. I like some gay porn, but really dislike most of it. I like some straight porn, but dislike a lot of it. I'm a total romantic in my head and was brainwashed as a child about sex via the good'ol church. The porn that I do like is definitely not just 'fucking,' but is way more passionate (romantic).

I've never truly accepted any failures as my own and can't imagine 'admiting defeat,' to the notion that I could be and or am gay. It doesn't fit what I've wanted for my life and I am sick and tired of being 'different,' and have been 'different,' in enough ways in my life. I don't want this too.

I'm f'd in the head. I know I should probably go to counseling - but that mean admitting you have a problem, in person, which I don't do. Ever. I'm not trying to be offensive to anyone here or who you sleep with - I wish I had my act together enough to be one or the other and not this horrible mut inbetween with no sense of direction. I thought I didn't care about who slept with who or who got married to who until it showed up on my plate and now I'm freaking out. I don't want to concede my so called 'straightness,' only to find out later that I was just really messed up in the head for a bit or confused - then I would have to recant my 'coming out,' which would be exponentially more embarassing than coming out in the first place?

Yeah, read that. Tell me what I am, that I'm Fucked, Crazy, Broken, Gay, Straight, Sexually inept. I have a ton of shit going on in my life right now and every time I get stressed I always dwell on some stupid thing that almost breaks me down and then I'm done with the tests and it goes away till next time. Fucking hell.

/ rant of a very confused insecure (yet outwordly confident), twenty some odd guy losing his mind.

^^Story of my life (mostly). I know how you feel, man. Send me a PM if you ever wanna talk or be friends or something.

 

[glorff]

Lex always gives good advice, but I will add something to it. My friends tell me that I act straghter than most of my married friends, so don't think that you have to , or will, change into some stereotype because you might be different than what you were taught to be.

Find the part of town where the gay people hang out, or the next town over if need be, and go sit down and have a burger in a local place and watch. See the people and marvel at their diversity. Realize that they are not that different than the people that you know. Maybe, just maybe, someone will strike up a conversation, and maybe it can start to answer some of your questions, but it won't happen unless you do something about it. You do not have to "Decide" what you are, you need to "Realize"

Everything will be fine in the end. It may get a bit rocky along the way, but it will be fine.

 

[crowboy]

Hi there.

You've said a lot and you've received some good advice. I don't need to repeat that.

But I must comment on this:

It also sucks because I hate myself because of this. I don't want this, didn't have a choice, and that really pisses me off. I feel like I'd rather live in denial for the rest of my life.

I know exactly how you feel. You are describing my experience.
I made the decision a long time ago (about 20 years) to deny who I was. It has been 20 years of loneliness and unhappiness.

Think about that.

I can assure you that it is the last thing you want or deserve.
You have a right to be happy as anyone. Do not choose not to be happy. It is the wrong choice. Believe me.

What ever you are, gay, straight, bi please continue to work out who you are but do not deny anything because it is too hard. Work through it and keep posting or PM those who have offered.

Know that you are not alone.

I wish you well.

 

[KaraBulut]

Not much to add to the advice that has been given except for some additional food for thought...

...I'm f'd in the head. I know I should probably go to counseling - but that mean admitting you have a problem, in person, which I don't do....

Being gay isn't the problem. The problem is that you've been doing this all alone until now.

There's different types of counseling and probably the type that you could benefit from is just having someone to listen while you sort out your thoughts.

But probably what would benefit you the most is a support group or a group of friends that will help you through all of this. Everyone always thinks that they are unique and that their story is somehow different. What you will find is that there are thousands of guys just like you, who have been through what you're going through, who understand what it is like and who can tell you about their own experiences.

You can start here with the CO&R forum and then decide what your next steps will be.

 

[Seasoned]

This will be brief. Self-acceptance is key to healthy mental health. It is unfortunate that our culture make assumptions for all of us and it is also unfortunate that we are alone at least in the beginning stages of coming out. You are in those beginning exploratory moments. Glad you are here among friends. It's critical that you stay mentally healthy. Please do whatever that takes including therapy to address that very subject. Who do you know that's gay or bi? Confide in them, or your closest friend or relative. Examine your own views regarding gays. If you can't yet accept yourself try accepting the notion for others. Look also for a gay helpline. I hope you already know that you are not alone. If you are gay, you have a whole family waiting to help.

 

[dubindan]

First and formost,

Thank you. I do appreciate all of the responses that I've gotten - and unreplied to PM's.

I've given what people have said a lot of thought and have thought a lot about how I am going to address this situation. I've overanalized my problems but have come up with a common problem in all of my experiences thus far. I need to learn to accept failure, I need to relax and give dating a shot, and I need to get the hell out of my head.

About guys and girls: I'm leaning towards girls whether it be denial or what have you. I stressed out to the point of anxiety attack the other day and I feel like I am looking at this from a calmer persepctive. I tend to be reasonable for the most part and earily detached and logical. If I am gay, I am gay. If not, I'm not. Somewhere in between, that's cool too. In order to find out, I have to actually date. Make a move - and live my life. I haven't been, and don't think I ever have. So, I am going to go for what ever feels right and see what happens - if nothing else I will learn more about myself and maybe have a good time while doing so.

I had an epiphany of sorts. I never realized that one of the reasons why I have never dated is because I have always felt that if anyone saw who I really was - they would be as disgusted with me as I was and run. Wow, it's fucked up to actually say that. With that said I feel like my issues with my physical appearance issues will take time to work out. I also feel that because I can't let anyone in and because I am so insecure about myself that I view everyone on the same level. A friend at most - someone I can manipulate and keep at a distance. Sex = ultimate intamacy. Intamacy reviels yourself to somebody else and for somebody who is insecure about their body and themselves in general that is a lot to take in.

I sit undecided about everything other than I have issues I need to work on. Working on those issues will give me insight as to where I stand on all other matters.

Although I do feel somewhat foolish for posting what I did and where I did (again, not to be taken the wrong way - I'm working on this) I am glad I did. I wanted to say thank you once again. Once I figure some more of myself out I will swing by and drop an update - gay, bi, stunted, straight, what have you. I'm going to try to surrender some of my percieved control and let life show me around a bit.

 

[crowboy]

Glad to see you working things out.

I've given what people have said a lot of thought and have thought a lot about how I am going to address this situation. I've overanalized my problems but have come up with a common problem in all of my experiences thus far. I need to learn to accept failure, I need to relax and give dating a shot, and I need to get the hell out of my head.

Yeah those head fucks can be bad can't they.

About guys and girls: I'm leaning towards girls whether it be denial or what have you. I stressed out to the point of anxiety attack the other day and I feel like I am looking at this from a calmer persepctive. I tend to be reasonable for the most part and earily detached and logical. If I am gay, I am gay. If not, I'm not. Somewhere in between, that's cool too. In order to find out, I have to actually date. Make a move - and live my life. I haven't been, and don't think I ever have. So, I am going to go for what ever feels right and see what happens - if nothing else I will learn more about myself and maybe have a good time while doing so.

Only you can work all that out so it's great that you are starting to be open minded.

I had an epiphany of sorts. I never realized that one of the reasons why I have never dated is because I have always felt that if anyone saw who I really was - they would be as disgusted with me as I was and run. Wow, it's fucked up to actually say that. With that said I feel like my issues with my physical appearance issues will take time to work out. I also feel that because I can't let anyone in and because I am so insecure about myself that I view everyone on the same level. A friend at most - someone I can manipulate and keep at a distance. Sex = ultimate intamacy. Intamacy reviels yourself to somebody else and for somebody who is insecure about their body and themselves in general that is a lot to take in.

Wow. You are describing me there mate. I know that thinking that has been largely responsible for denying who I am. And now that I know who I am I still have to deal with that thinking. It hasn't gone away with my coming out.

I sit undecided about everything other than I have issues I need to work on. Working on those issues will give me insight as to where I stand on all other matters.

Good luck with that exploration and self discovery.

Although I do feel somewhat foolish for posting what I did and where I did (again, not to be taken the wrong way - I'm working on this) I am glad I did. I wanted to say thank you once again. Once I figure some more of myself out I will swing by and drop an update - gay, bi, stunted, straight, what have you. I'm going to try to surrender some of my percieved control and let life show me around a bit.

Your not foolish and you know that. It is just hard to put yourself out there and show others what goes on in your head and how you feel. Congrats for doing it.

I wish you well. You know we are here if you need us.