Re: Regional JUB Meet St. Louis, MO (The After Par
I just spent several minutes going over some of the posts made going into, during, and just after our Meet in St. Louis.
Wow, what fun we had. How great it was to meet you all!
I want to mention names, but I don't want to leave anyone out. You were all great fun to meet and to get to know.
LOVE YOU ALL, MY BROTHERS.
Those were great times,niner....wished it would never had ended.Maybe Im too attached to Jub,as things around here haven't turned so pleasant in that aftermath.People leaving,or becoming inactive,....becoming disenchanted,dramatics,bithiness,tension and hostility.Obviously not all the time,as there is always something good to keep coming back....but things shouldn't be as often antagonistic and negative as they seem.Just in a wistful mood,thinking about the things that never developed in terms of friendships that I had hoped or expected.I always hate making the first move as I have lots of deep insecurities about myself ,fears of being rejected ....or feeling intrusive and imposing,so maybe it is somewhat of my own making.....but outside of my interactions directly on the boards,no one really deals with me.Real
friends here call each other,send e-mails or PMs just to keep up the communication and be there for each other.....a lot of times PMs I make recently get unanswered or I get a response only because I initiated it.I don't have anyone callng me,including those who have my number and don't even text me except for one anomaly that hasn't re-occured.No e-mails either.What am I to think?That I really matter? Friends who celebrate the good times with each other and support without fail in the tougher times?i don't really have any knowledge of what that's like,despite the friends I want to think I have here...am I just deluding myself?
A lot of people have it bad,and I am appreciative of the fact things in my life could be a lot worse,and feel for those less fortunate.But I hurt too,I feel too...I'm lonely,scared and often feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life...to those who say it's just the internet and go out for yourself and overcome it....with the way I am it doesn't work for me.If I can't really mattr much here,why should I set myself up for a truly devastating realization that it is me....I'm a pathetic loser who never will have anything to strive for.I'd love to find someone to love as a partner for the rest of my life,but having good friends even if I don't find a partner is very enriching and life affirming.It's the fear of setting myself up for rejection,for disillusionment that there isn't even a friend to face good and bad times with together that makes me scared.I just want to matter,to be worth something....not just get a token shoutout every so often but to know I really am appreciated and am worth caring about.
I am sorry that this got personal,but it is the last straw of all the crap around here the last few weeks that I just don't want to keep it in anymore.I've had a few little meltdowns recently,but I tried to just convince myself that it wasn't important enough to talk about and ust shut up about it.I just don't think I can keep it inside any more.
I don't think I would ever delete my JUB account.I don't know how much I would come here,but I think deleting it would be wrong because I am JUB supporter and have found so much good from becoming a member here.Really,it is a matter of after all the time invested here,if I haven't made enough of an impression on those I consider hopefully friends here,coming to two JUB meets spending good money because I cared......if I am just someone to smile at and say hello but could easily be a signpost.....then I don't know what the use is of coming back to have my heart broken again and again.If I'm a friend,treat me like one....let me feel a welcome part of something instead of an amusing commercial before the game resumes,easily disposable but oddly comfortable.
(he called him that several times)
Some jubbers I didn't get to spend much time with or who weren't in St. Louis will be in Las Vegas and it will be great to see them...plus I can go back home in the afternoon that Sunday and not rush to catch the earliest possible flight in the morning....and likelihood I would come in a little early on Thursday to have a little fun on the strip before the official festivities.
