Rejection.

[cruz555]

How do you deal with it when you don't even know why you're being rejected?

I was recently rejected by someone after a date and can't get it out of my head. It was basically a blind date. We talked for hours all week long, then met... he never called back. He said he'd call but he didn't. Thinking about it now, some of his excuses and "emergency" phone calls during the date were so ridiculously bad.

The funny thing is that I'm not even interested in him, and yet I'm still so frustrated over this. Like, everything was great until he saw me. I shouldn't let it hurt my self-esteem, I know, but that's inevitable. You could argue I took this chance by going to a blind date, but that was a one-time thing.

When I drove back home after the date, I kept thinking "how can I reject him without hurting his feelings?" and decided to call back or text him at least once so that he wouldn't think his looks made me ignore him. After all, we talked multiple times everyday so it's only fair. Is it so hard to do that?

 

[G-Lexington]

You sound like you're upset that he rejected you before you had a chance to reject him. Could it be he rejected you not because of your looks, but because he saw something in you that indicated you were planning on rejecting HIM?

Lex

 

[bluedragon4]

Was he way hotter than you?

 

[cruz555]

You sound like you're upset that he rejected you before you had a chance to reject him. Could it be he rejected you not because of your looks, but because he saw something in you that indicated you were planning on rejecting HIM?

Lex

That's possible but I tried my best not to let my disappointment show. He did ask if he looked different than I thought. However, he made up some obvious exuses preety early into the date. The reason I keep thinking what it could be is because I have no idea what it is. Going from 20 text messages a day to nothing at all makes you wonder.

I'm not upset that I wasn't the one who rejected him. I'm not like that at all. Like I said, I kept thinking what would be the LEAST hurtful way to reject him b/c I don't like situations like this. I texted him after the date.

As for the oh-so-witty comments, no actually. He wasn't that hot at all.

 

[slickery]

In the words of MTV, I believe you've been "Next"ed. Rejection happens to everyone. Different strokes for different folks. I'm sure you will/have had people thinking the same thing about you.

 

[HourglassGuy]

How do you deal with it when you don't even know why you're being rejected?

I was recently rejected by someone after a date and can't get it out of my head. It was basically a blind date. We talked for hours all week long, then met... he never called back. He said he'd call but he didn't. Thinking about it now, some of his excuses and "emergency" phone calls during the date were so ridiculously bad.

The funny thing is that I'm not even interested in him, and yet I'm still so frustrated over this. Like, everything was great until he saw me. I shouldn't let it hurt my self-esteem, I know, but that's inevitable. You could argue I took this chance by going to a blind date, but that was a one-time thing.

When I drove back home after the date, I kept thinking "how can I reject him without hurting his feelings?" and decided to call back or text him at least once so that he wouldn't think his looks made me ignore him. After all, we talked multiple times everyday so it's only fair. Is it so hard to do that?

If you weren't interested in him, anyway, it sounds to be like you're just upset he rejected you first, and you're also upset in the dickhead way he appears to be doing so.

It's alright, though. If there wasn't any chemistry there, that's all it is. I'm sure it has nothing to do with any huge flaw of your own, personally.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Cruz,

You know, sometimes we invest so much in something that it never has a chance of meeting our expectations...and the intensive build up before your date meant you guys were probably always going to struggle to live up to each others expectations.

A lot of what you are feeling is about you...not him. Sure, hes handled this badly...he probably thinks that if he cuts you off completely then theres no questions or awkward moments and hurt feelings. Doesnt usually work that way as you can see but maybe hes just not strong enough to do it any other way.

The important thing to do here is understand yourself. Understand that sometimes people just dont click. No matter how much they wanted it. And its not about either one...its just one of those human foibles that leave us wondering why.

What it shouldnt leave you with is doubt or fear. Know that you're still the same guy, the same one worthy of the date, the same one strong enough to text. Dont get bitter or defensive. Just understand and accept that it wasnt meant to be. You're better than wasting time over useless emotions that ultimately mean nothing...

As hard as it is, the next time you feel that things aren't going well on a date...remember how this feels. Take something away from this...learn about yourself and grow from the experience. Ask yourself next time...does anyone have the right to treat anyone else the same way? Thats how you become a better person...thats how you learn to treat people with respect.

And thats what you deserved but didn't get.

 

[cruz555]

Hey Cruz,

You know, sometimes we invest so much in something that it never has a chance of meeting our expectations...and the intensive build up before your date meant you guys were probably always going to struggle to live up to each others expectations.

A lot of what you are feeling is about you...not him. Sure, hes handled this badly...he probably thinks that if he cuts you off completely then theres no questions or awkward moments and hurt feelings. Doesnt usually work that way as you can see but maybe hes just not strong enough to do it any other way.

The important thing to do here is understand yourself. Understand that sometimes people just dont click. No matter how much they wanted it. And its not about either one...its just one of those human foibles that leave us wondering why.

What it shouldnt leave you with is doubt or fear. Know that you're still the same guy, the same one worthy of the date, the same one strong enough to text. Dont get bitter or defensive. Just understand and accept that it wasnt meant to be. You're better than wasting time over useless emotions that ultimately mean nothing...

As hard as it is, the next time you feel that things aren't going well on a date...remember how this feels. Take something away from this...learn about yourself and grow from the experience. Ask yourself next time...does anyone have the right to treat anyone else the same way? Thats how you become a better person...thats how you learn to treat people with respect.

And thats what you deserved but didn't get.

Yep, you seem to get it... this is not about me wanting to reject him first. It's all about ME personally and where I'm going with this. I'm not the most outgoing person. I thought at least my looks would make up for that or at least just get me a call after the date. I think it usually does. That's why all of this is disappointing and confusing. Makes me wonder if it's really a relationship I need. I want a relationship, but they say you have to make yourself happy before you let others make you happy, or else it's gonna affect you preety bad. But really... that just doesn't happen. I've had enough alone time. I don't have a close friend. This thread is going to be my only outlet anyway, so I'm bound to remain bitter over it for a while. So, yes, this is way beyond a bad date.

 

[BrandonSBCA]

Yep, you seem to get it... this is not about me wanting to reject him first. It's all about ME personally and where I'm going with this. I'm not the most outgoing person. I thought at least my looks would make up for that or at least just get me a call after the date. I think it usually does. That's why all of this is disappointing and confusing. Makes me wonder if it's really a relationship I need. I want a relationship, but they say you have to make yourself happy before you let others make you happy, or else it's gonna affect you preety bad. But really... that just doesn't happen. I've had enough alone time. I don't have a close friend. This thread is going to be my only outlet anyway, so I'm bound to remain bitter over it for a while. So, yes, this is way beyond a bad date.

Looks only get you so far in dating and in relationships. Nobody can make you happy but you, and usually people love to see those who are happy, it's more attracting to the eye knowing that someone is happy being who they are, being with what their life is like.

Yeah the alone time does affect people causing many different emotions, including bitterness and weird attitudes. I think what you should develop on is a close friend to help you out with what you're going through, it's not easy to go through life having friends to help you with what you're feeling.

 

[cruz555]

Looks only get you so far in dating and in relationships. Nobody can make you happy but you, and usually people love to see those who are happy, it's more attracting to the eye knowing that someone is happy being who they are, being with what their life is like.

Yeah the alone time does affect people causing many different emotions, including bitterness and weird attitudes. I think what you should develop on is a close friend to help you out with what you're going through, it's not easy to go through life having friends to help you with what you're feeling.

Looks may not do all the work but they at least keep you relveant enough for a second date. A phone call. A message. Something. Then you get to know me better. That's why this little rejection pisses me off... that's what I think about.

I've had enough alone time to make myself happy on my own, and I'm not particulary happy right now. Close friends are impossible to "find" too.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Cruz,

Well...maybe the first lesson is this....not everyone is interested in looks. And I'm not saying that that was the case here...its just that you need to understand a couple of things....

The world is full of beauty. Its full of people and things that others love desire or even envy. And for some...the self conscious, the ones not so good looking...its extremely off putting. It makes them question themselves rather than admire the person opposite. It makes them wonder if the other person will ever think that they were good enough (was that the vibe you were giving off do you wonder?)...

But more importantly understand this. You are far more than how you look. Theres more to you than the shape of your face or eyes or whatever. Theres a deeper more valuable you hidden beneath that facade as handsome as it is.

You need to understand that your worth and value comes from who you are...how you treat others, how you value and care for people - and yourself, your morals, your integrity, creativity, passion, sense of humour...all the things you cant see. Not from the clothes you wear, the way you style your hair... or how your smile lights up a room. Those are bonuses. They're not the real deal.

So maybe mate you need to let the real you out more, the deeply beautiful you....and let others in more. Open up...be honest with your feelings your fears your loves. Dont hide behind that shell, dont rely on your assets alone. Everyone has to work at love at some stage. If you dont you'll have nothing but short flings and facades of friendships.

I know theres more to you than that. And you do too. And maybe thats why you're pissed. Did you really do all you could? Did you show this guy who you really were...at least a little? Or were you waiting for the second date?

Open up mate. Be more than you're looks. Blow people away with the whole package. Just do it with out meaning it. Gently... quietly...truthfully. Let people see the real you inside....flaws and all. Because after all mate you're not perfect...none of us are, and sometimes its the vulnerabilities that make you complete.

You'll be amazed how much deeper your friendships become...and how the second dates happen too. Dont keep hiding yourself away. You're only hurting yourself...and you dont want or deserve that

 

[confusedboy23]

Hey Cruz,

Well...maybe the first lesson is this....not everyone is interested in looks. And I'm not saying that that was the case here...its just that you need to understand a couple of things....

The world is full of beauty. Its full of people and things that others love desire or even envy. And for some...the self conscious, the ones not so good looking...its extremely off putting. It makes them question themselves rather than admire the person opposite. It makes them wonder if the other person will ever think that they were good enough (was that the vibe you were giving off do you wonder?)...

But more importantly understand this. You are far more than how you look. Theres more to you than the shape of your face or eyes or whatever. Theres a deeper more valuable you hidden beneath that facade as handsome as it is.

You need to understand that your worth and value comes from who you are...how you treat others, how you value and care for people - and yourself, your morals, your integrity, creativity, passion, sense of humour...all the things you cant see. Not from the clothes you wear, the way you style your hair... or how your smile lights up a room. Those are bonuses. They're not the real deal.

So maybe mate you need to let the real you out more, the deeply beautiful you....and let others in more. Open up...be honest with your feelings your fears your loves. Dont hide behind that shell, dont rely on your assets alone. Everyone has to work at love at some stage. If you dont you'll have nothing but short flings and facades of friendships.

I know theres more to you than that. And you do too. And maybe thats why you're pissed. Did you really do all you could? Did you show this guy who you really were...at least a little? Or were you waiting for the second date?

Open up mate. Be more than you're looks. Blow people away with the whole package. Just do it with out meaning it. Gently... quietly...truthfully. Let people see the real you inside....flaws and all. Because after all mate you're not perfect...none of us are, and sometimes its the vulnerabilities that make you complete.

You'll be amazed how much deeper your friendships become...and how the second dates happen too. Dont keep hiding yourself away. You're only hurting yourself...and you dont want or deserve that

Wonderful post here, tallguy297!

Looks are superficial but what lies within is what defines a person.

I'm glad that in my previous albeit very short romance with my first boy-love, we've shared our strengths but I'm happier because we've learnt NOT to hide any of our flaws and our shortcomings.....

As for cruz555, we learn from every experience we go through in life. I reckon they make us stronger and we tend to end up as better people. It's not the best feeling in the world to be rejected, but at the end of the day, I believe there is a reason for everything. We just might not understand right at this moment, but over time, maybe 2 months, 2 years or 20 years later, we'd understand why!

Take it in stride, my friend.....Good luck!

 

[cruz555]

Hey Cruz,

Well...maybe the first lesson is this....not everyone is interested in looks. And I'm not saying that that was the case here...its just that you need to understand a couple of things....

The world is full of beauty. Its full of people and things that others love desire or even envy. And for some...the self conscious, the ones not so good looking...its extremely off putting. It makes them question themselves rather than admire the person opposite. It makes them wonder if the other person will ever think that they were good enough (was that the vibe you were giving off do you wonder?)...

But more importantly understand this. You are far more than how you look. Theres more to you than the shape of your face or eyes or whatever. Theres a deeper more valuable you hidden beneath that facade as handsome as it is.

You need to understand that your worth and value comes from who you are...how you treat others, how you value and care for people - and yourself, your morals, your integrity, creativity, passion, sense of humour...all the things you cant see. Not from the clothes you wear, the way you style your hair... or how your smile lights up a room. Those are bonuses. They're not the real deal.

So maybe mate you need to let the real you out more, the deeply beautiful you....and let others in more. Open up...be honest with your feelings your fears your loves. Dont hide behind that shell, dont rely on your assets alone. Everyone has to work at love at some stage. If you dont you'll have nothing but short flings and facades of friendships.

I know theres more to you than that. And you do too. And maybe thats why you're pissed. Did you really do all you could? Did you show this guy who you really were...at least a little? Or were you waiting for the second date?

Open up mate. Be more than you're looks. Blow people away with the whole package. Just do it with out meaning it. Gently... quietly...truthfully. Let people see the real you inside....flaws and all. Because after all mate you're not perfect...none of us are, and sometimes its the vulnerabilities that make you complete.

You'll be amazed how much deeper your friendships become...and how the second dates happen too. Dont keep hiding yourself away. You're only hurting yourself...and you dont want or deserve that

Whoa Thank you. I actually read that a few times.

What you said about him is possible. Maybe he did get that vibe from me... at least that's a more comfortable way of thinking. It's just that everything went so great on the phone that it's just too weird how he suddenly disappeared after the date. I didn't try my best I guess, and it's not because I was waiting for the second date, I wasn't interested in him like that. He could've stayed in touch though.

I do have a lot to work on. It's just easier said than done. I've told myself some of those things already and it always ends up... like this. Of course I can try again, but even if I were to change the way I presented myself, there's no one in particular I'm interested in seeing right now... you were right about "facade friendships." I don't have a good gay friend, my straight friends are not close enough to "know" about me (or interesting enough to make me want to go out with them). No flings for me though. Maybe I should actually lighten up about it. I have some more to say but I really gotta go...thanks.

 

[Riverrick]

Here's my thoughts. People tend not to be brutally honest when rejecting someone. They don't come out and tell you whey they don't want to see you any more. Maybe because they don't want to hurt our feelings or maybe because they are too chicken to say it like it is.

The problem with this is that we are left with No Explanation. Absolutely nothing. So all that is left for us to do is to IMAGINE the reason we were rejected. And so we go down the long list of things that we don't like about ourselves or feel insecure about and choose one. And that really hurts.

Seems to me that the truth would be easier to take. The lesson in this is to try to be honest with people when you don't want to see them anymore.

 

[tallguy297]

Whoa Thank you. I actually read that a few times.

What you said about him is possible. Maybe he did get that vibe from me... at least that's a more comfortable way of thinking. It's just that everything went so great on the phone that it's just too weird how he suddenly disappeared after the date. I didn't try my best I guess, and it's not because I was waiting for the second date, I wasn't interested in him like that. He could've stayed in touch though.

I do have a lot to work on. It's just easier said than done. I've told myself some of those things already and it always ends up... like this. Of course I can try again, but even if I were to change the way I presented myself, there's no one in particular I'm interested in seeing right now... you were right about "facade friendships." I don't have a good gay friend, my straight friends are not close enough to "know" about me (or interesting enough to make me want to go out with them). No flings for me though. Maybe I should actually lighten up about it. I have some more to say but I really gotta go...thanks.

Hey Cruze,

Mate... I think that we sometimes dont realize the effect we have on those around us...and some people especially pick up our body language and moods very easily. In fact something like 80 - 85% of all communication happens through body language...so we can be giving off signals without knowing it.

More than that though mate...reread your post. And be proud of it. Really proud. Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is say that we're not perfect. That we need to work on ourselves...and that sometimes we have to accept some of the responsibility for what happens around us. You've done that here... and thats bloody impressive.

You're a guy who knows what he wants, how he presents, how he works... and you're also a guy thats learning about how to get the best out of himself and others. You dont need to change how you present yourself or the way you look or act...you just need to be more conscious of how others may perceive you or feel around you. Your confidence may come across as arrogance, your looks as vanity. And in most cases is wont be intentional or on purpose...its just how you will be perceived by strangers or others. So for you Cruze it may mean you have to work as hard or harder than others who arent so lucky in their looks...

But mate...if you show the humility, the understanding and the experience from posts like this and the lessons that you;re learning (hell we're all learning...you never stop)...the ones of compassion and understanding of those around you ...your future looks full of love and happiness.

You're right...its easier said than done. We're all works in progress...but knowing that is the most important thing. Be proud that your man enough to say it!