Relapse in self acceptance

[mustangman43]

You can understand that there is know "I wish" involved here. I wasted 13yrs of my life in denial, I would not have sex cause I wasn't gay (of course I didn't sleep with women either) I Prayed constantly to be straight. I had anxiety/panic attacks (sorry about the spelling it's late) and hated myself. I finally figured out there is know choice...you are who you are! If you can't except no one can. You are who God made you to be!

 

[ashonfire]

I think it's natural.

Most of the time I'm 100% proud and even grateful to be gay but occasionally I do get the feeling that life would be easier I were straight and it can be a bit of a downer.

I don't really have any advice, but yeah, I think many of us go through the same thing.

 

[blckmax]

I can understand how you feel too - it took me 49 years to finally be true to myself - and it is still hard to be happy about it. I was married with kids and all for a lot of those years. I regret having to hurt them all with all of the changes our lives are going through, and I sometimes question the value of coming out, especially when it comes to hurting my family, but then I remember why I did it and that I am important too, and that my happiness is as important as theirs!

Just stick with it and you will get thru your doubts!

 

[reach]

You are depressed. It happened/s to all of us. I know it doesn't feel like it now but someday you'll be happy with who you. If I was given the choice right now, I'd choose to be gay. If I was told that I could choose who I'd be in my next life, I'd choose to be gay. There is such freedom in being gay. We can be anything we want to be without the strictures of a straight man. Have kids. No one is saying you can't. And as far as the relationship goes....even if you're straight, you may not find someone (I have a 40 year old straight female friend who is single because she hasn't found the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with). The only person that is limiting you, is you.

 

[WheelerBoi]

you sound exactly like i feel ... i've got no advice but it's nice to know i'm not the only one.

I keep telling myself that it's still possible to be gay and have meaningful relationships, but it seems so unlikely when I know no gay people and have no way of meeting any...and i hate being told how good looking/nice i am by straight women

 

[Eagle653]

Already I'm just starting to see what a lonely life you lead if you're gay. Hardly anyone I know who's gay is in/has ever been in any kind of relationship.

Some people are lonely, either by accident or design. And, it's not limited to gay people--I know lots of lonely straights.

Funny thing about relationships is that when people get in them, they kind of drop out of social-site, or bumb around with other coupled people. So, happily coupled gay people are there and living their lives--they just aren't in bars and other places singles hang out. So, sometimes it's easy to get a distorted view of gays (or single straights for that matter) that no one is happy and everyone is lonely.

As for your original post and point about relapsing in self-acceptance, I don't know anyone who hasn't done that at one time (or more) or another. It's really difficult to be totally accepting of ourselves all the time, about everything. Self doubts about body image, career choices, and other things crop up all the time. Becoming comfortable with being gay or bi is a process that comes in fits and starts. Sometimes you feel like you take 2 steps forward and 1 back. Or 1 forward and 2 back. Eventually, the ups and downs even out and you just "are."

 

[sentirpromesas]

Some people are lonely, either by accident or design. And, it's not limited to gay people--I know lots of lonely straights.

Funny thing about relationships is that when people get in them, they kind of drop out of social-site, or bumb around with other coupled people. So, happily coupled gay people are there and living their lives--they just aren't in bars and other places singles hang out. So, sometimes it's easy to get a distorted view of gays (or single straights for that matter) that no one is happy and everyone is lonely.

As for your original post and point about relapsing in self-acceptance, I don't know anyone who hasn't done that at one time (or more) or another. It's really difficult to be totally accepting of ourselves all the time, about everything. Self doubts about body image, career choices, and other things crop up all the time. Becoming comfortable with being gay or bi is a process that comes in fits and starts. Sometimes you feel like you take 2 steps forward and 1 back. Or 1 forward and 2 back. Eventually, the ups and downs even out and you just "are."

yeah, straight people feel lonely too...and many worry if they will ever find the right one to marry and have kids with...so its not exclusive to the gay lifestyle...whatever that means...and its true about gay couples...they stop going to bars and clubs because they dont need to anymore...i sometimes go with my bf...but why go somewhere where they keep hitting on us, making us jealous...so we rarely ever go...but i've been with him for over a year now...and i'm super happy...if he proposed right now, i would marry him in a heartbeat...

 

[G-Lexington]

Being lonely has very little to do with being gay (or straight). It's a convenient thing to hang it on, but it isn't really what the cause is.

I thought for awhile that I was lonely because I was gay. Then I realized I was lonely because I never friggin' DID anything. I'm kind of anti-social by nature, so it took a bit of work to go out and meet people. Invite co-workers out for drinks or to a movie (in a group). I didn't exactly bloom into a social butterfly, but I did start getting more friends - gay and straight.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

Hardly anyone I know who's gay is in/has ever been in any kind of relationship.

You just don't know enough people. It takes two to create a relationship and if you come off as some kind of fucked-up self hating individual, you're not going to like what you find out there.

It is possible to lead a completely open, honest and happy life with a long time partner. It is possible to completely successful in business and professions without being in the closet. Many people in our circle have.

Get a sense of humour. Go to theatre and dance and places other than bars. Make friends with some older gay people as well. Believe me, we don't all want to get in your pants, but you'd be amazed at the circle of people you'll meet and how enjoyable and rich being gay can be.

Stop hiding.

 

[tallguy297]

IJBML,

Mate... your posts a few weeks ago made me wonder if you were struggling a little at the moment... it takes a lot of guts to say that you are. It takes courage to say that I have doubts and fears, that I'm scared and not quite sure what to do. Its hard right now but it says an awful lot about your character and you should take heart from the strength you posses to post what you have here...

Its not a weakness or flaw to feel fear. Its not wrong to be scared about something that challenges everything you thought you knew. And admitting to yourself that you're gay is all of those things. Our lives are meant to follow a set path... a predetermined plan given to us by our parents society religion whatever. And to feel that you wont be following that plan, that you'll be different somehow can sometimes be overwhelming.

But mate, the reality is this - there is no plan, no right or wrong. You are part of countless groups of people wondering where they fit in - thin people, fat people, people of different races or religions far from their homes, ethnic groups, refugees, homeless people, illiterate people.... the world is full of people who somehow dont think they belong...that they dont fit.

The fact that you're gay doesnt define you. It doesnt condemn you to anything. It doesnt ruin possibility nor does it create them. It doesnt change the person you are...your morals, your values, your ability to love and care for others, your sense of humor or right or wrong, your ability to laugh and cry. Those things are yours. They are your traits, the things that those who love and care for you are drawn to and love.

You are the equal of anyone else. You are unique, you are special. You deserve to be loved and cherished, valued and held. You are always good enough.

This is not a path that you walk alone. You are surrounded by others who feel the same, struggle the same. But one by one you beat these doubts and fears. When you understand that you are you. You are worthy and kind. That being gay isnt some sentence...its a trait...a layer...a piece of the puzzle. Its the peice that when you accept it, when you understand that its ok, will let you face the world with a sense of freedom and release that right now you cant understand.

IJBML... I have no doubt that this will pass for you...you're better than to be held down for long. But when it does, its time to grab the chance. The chance to move on, the chance to face your fears and beat them. Its the only way you'll be all you can be. Your friends and family see you mate. They see who you are and value you for that. They know theres more to you than who you are attracted to.

All you've got to do is believe that too.

Because you deserve a life of happiness too.

 

[the Persian]

well..

maybe .. if u dont want to be gay.. maybe u can find something to turn u to straight guy.. than after that u can tell me how.. coz i'm thinking as u r thinking.. about building a family,, and do normal stuff..

but wut can i do?? i love men..

 

[G-Lexington]

Being gay doesn't mean you can't have a family. And it doesn't mean you can't do "normal stuff".

Lex

 

[G-Lexington]

Don't overestimate the challenge. Many of these walls are a lot easier to climb than you might imagine.

Lex

 

[Auburn]

What it means is that you will live your entire life fighting. I am a natural fighter though, but fuck, when it's about who you choose to be with.....fuck that!

You cannot get married, you don't have the same rights as straights, and you face constant discrimination.

You'd be lying if you said it wasn't a challenge. But I appreciate the responses.

Yeah, it is a challenge, but so is being straight....Not every straight person who is married with children is happy .There are challenges that come with that also. Like G-Lex said, just because you are gay doesn't mean you can't have family nor does it mean you will be lonely . Being straight doesn't necessarily make life easy, either.

If you marry, you will end up like formerly married, gay men on this board. They will tell you how unhappy they were trying to marry a woman thinking it would turn them straight and how badly it hurt them, their wives and kids. Plus you are young, man! Why are you so worried about a family right now?

 

[trey1121]

I know exactly how you feel. I was raised in a family where I would never have been accepted, and many times wished I was straight. I went through college pretty much in denial and even had girlfriends. This is not much consolation, but just be thankful that you are growing up in an age where its accepted to be gay. Still many don't accept it, but its much better than it was back in the 80's when I was growing up. Today, I'm proud of my sexuality, cuz its who I am!
I'm still not out to everyone but I don't worry about it. If they find out, I don't care. Once I realized that being gay was not a choice, it was easy to accept. I honestly think that in time, you will feel the same way. If you want someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. Good luck to ya!! Trey

 

[Xpione]

You're a dude. You're horny either gay or straight

 

[MindBlast]

That's something else....I really want kids. Sometimes, I think I will just do this during my 20's, and somehow find a woman and have kids.

Already I'm just starting to see what a lonely life you lead if you're gay. Hardly anyone I know who's gay is in/has ever been in any kind of relationship.

Not the way I want to live.

FAIL.

My life is the furthest thing from lonely. I've been in a couple serious relationships, just like my straight friends have. A high school romance that didn't last (they never do, gay or straight), and a college one that was enduring.

I know tons of gay guys my age in relationships. We're not lonely because we CHOOSE not to be. Be brave. Get out there and make some friends instead of sitting at your computer bitching about it. The best boyfriends I had were introduced via friends. Friend of a friend is the best way man.

Furthermore you seem to be referring to women as floating ovaries whose only purpose is to bear your children and make you look acceptable to the rest of society. Fuck that. Any gay man in this day and age who tricks a woman into marrying him is a real asshat. Think about it...you won't be happy because you won't enjoy the sex or physical intimacy, and she won't be happy cause you would have lied to her.

There are other ways of getting kids besides sticking your tool in a vagina. Someone else has already done that and there are tons of kids without homes. My philosophy is don't go making more before we take care of what exists.