Relationship advice needed ...

[rickycub87]

OK, so I've been in a relationship with the same guy now for about 9-10 months. There is a lot of good about this relationship that I can point out, but I feel like something's missing. I have come to realize that I haven't (since the very beginning of this relationship) been getting my "needs" fulfilled sexually.

At first it was good and we were connecting emotionally, physically, etc. Now we're still connection emotionally but the physical relationship is just kind of boring to me. I've brought this up to him a few times and he says I should be focused more on getting my current status as unemployed turned around instead of worrying about "stupid stuff like that". I really like this guy in most departments but when it comes to that he is an asshole about it and I don't know why he's so scared to try to make the physical relationship better.

To be honest about it, we're doing pretty much oral and JO now and nothing else. Am I being stupid by worrying about this ? Because I feel like I want more physically and even though he's a great guy he can't seem to fulfill that need. I don't want to let go of a good thing but I also don't want to let another several months slide by with me being uninterested. I found myself watching porn again recently (which I haven't done in a few months since I was spending most of my time with him) and fantasizing about a more interesting physical relationship.

Any advice would be appreciated...

 

[gingentleman]

Without knowing any other details, it sounds like he is withholding being more physical with you as a sort of punishment for being unemployed. I had a boyfriend who did this once, and I ended our relationship because of it.

 

[hungrybrownbear]

Well, you can show him you're really actively looking for a job... He's being like that because he cares about you. If you don't like the way he shows that sort of concern, then he's obviously not the type of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

 

[Willie Boy]

OK, so I've been in a relationship with the same guy now for about 9-10 months. There is a lot of good about this relationship that I can point out, but I feel like something's missing. I have come to realize that I haven't (since the very beginning of this relationship) been getting my "needs" fulfilled sexually.

At first it was good and we were connecting emotionally, physically, etc. Now we're still connection emotionally but the physical relationship is just kind of boring to me. I've brought this up to him a few times and he says I should be focused more on getting my current status as unemployed turned around instead of worrying about "stupid stuff like that". I really like this guy in most departments but when it comes to that he is an asshole about it and I don't know why he's so scared to try to make the physical relationship better.

To be honest about it, we're doing pretty much oral and JO now and nothing else. Am I being stupid by worrying about this ? Because I feel like I want more physically and even though he's a great guy he can't seem to fulfill that need. I don't want to let go of a good thing but I also don't want to let another several months slide by with me being uninterested. I found myself watching porn again recently (which I haven't done in a few months since I was spending most of my time with him) and fantasizing about a more interesting physical relationship.

Any advice would be appreciated...

So, you are unemployed. Do the two of you live together? Do you have a stable source of income? Are you able to pay your bills on time (without having to dip into his funds)? Yeah, you can probably see where I'm going with this. Your on the river, head for Niagara Falls in your little barrel, feeling the bumpy flow. Instead of being concerned about the falls, you want to complain that you aren't getting a smooth ride? You need to straighten out your priorities here. Security and stability first, then pleasure.

 

[altlover85]

OK, so I've been in a relationship with the same guy now for about 9-10 months. There is a lot of good about this relationship that I can point out, but I feel like something's missing. I have come to realize that I haven't (since the very beginning of this relationship) been getting my "needs" fulfilled sexually.

At first it was good and we were connecting emotionally, physically, etc. Now we're still connection emotionally but the physical relationship is just kind of boring to me. I've brought this up to him a few times and he says I should be focused more on getting my current status as unemployed turned around instead of worrying about "stupid stuff like that". I really like this guy in most departments but when it comes to that he is an asshole about it and I don't know why he's so scared to try to make the physical relationship better.

To be honest about it, we're doing pretty much oral and JO now and nothing else. Am I being stupid by worrying about this ? Because I feel like I want more physically and even though he's a great guy he can't seem to fulfill that need. I don't want to let go of a good thing but I also don't want to let another several months slide by with me being uninterested. I found myself watching porn again recently (which I haven't done in a few months since I was spending most of my time with him) and fantasizing about a more interesting physical relationship.

Any advice would be appreciated...

Clearly he has some issues (either about sex or resentment) that he's trying to pass onto you under the guise of concern. To me, it sounds manipulative.

I wouldn't have as much of an issue with it, if he came out and said "you not having a job is making me less interested in doing some of the things we used to do in bed" because at least then you could ask him why and get his reasoning, but what he's doing right now seems misguided, IMO.

I have a few questions that would help me get a better picture of the situation.

How long have you been unemployed? How old are you? How old is he? Are you financially independent? Are you living together?

 

[TX-Beau]

So, you are unemployed. Do the two of you live together? Do you have a stable source of income? Are you able to pay your bills on time (without having to dip into his funds)? Yeah, you can probably see where I'm going with this. Your on the river, head for Niagara Falls in your little barrel, feeling the bumpy flow. Instead of being concerned about the falls, you want to complain that you aren't getting a smooth ride? You need to straighten out your priorities here. Security and stability first, then pleasure.

Excuse the term but, bullshit.

Whether you have a satisfactory sex life has nothing to do with employment status – unless you make the one about the other. Frankly, you can have one or even two jobs and still not get what you need from your boyfriend, or you can be completely without employment and fucking like horny bunnies.

If he’s withholding BECAUSE you’re unemployed that is indeed manipulative crap; that is not concern or support, it’s manipulative crap.

If he’s supporting you financially and he has a problem with that, he needs to speak up, not use your sex life as an excuse to complain.

If he’s not supporting you financially, then he really has no room to bitch about your employment status.

If he’s using your employment status as a dodge, because he doesn’t want to talk about him not satisfying you sexually, that’s his issue not yours.

In any event, you need to separate out these two issues from one another. You need to know if he can’t date someone who isn’t employed, and he needs to know that you’re not getting what you need from him. If he continues to use one, to deprive you of the other (if that is what he's doing, and this isn't about ego,) then you need to decide if he’s the guy you really want.

 

[hungrybrownbear]

Not having a good sex life with your partner usually boils down to a comprehensive list of many issues, not just, oh you don't have a job. No one really knows the situation here, so no one can really comment on it. And just because the OP thinks that is the issue, doesn't necessarily mean that it is the issue, he could be superimposing his own anxieties of not having a job, on the problem.

Bottom line. IF what the OP says is the case, it's fairly obvious his partner cares about him, if the manner in which the care is shown is not his thing, then he should move on. Solution.

 

[bankside]

I have no opinion on what's going on one way or the other, but there is a difference between someone who is withholding sex because he's a manipulative shit, and someone who is just turned off because he thinks you might be flaking out and turning into a freeloader.

Anyway, I hope nobody said "Sex with you is getting boring" because that is like a big libido-killing torpedo right there. People need to take responsibility for making it interesting, especially the one who is bored.

 

[conrad]

IMHO, dear man, you are putting things in the wrong order Sex,, ideally, should come as a culminating event in the long process of bonding with another guy.

IMHO, there is unhappiness with the sex because deep down there is not the froendship and love to sustain it.

Two in love will, I believe, find themselves cooperating creatively to find ways in which to express the underlying affection in sexual communion.

I am an old guy and I realize that what worked in my life will not work for everyone. Yet, I realize that my lovers and I were really not pioneers in sexual communion. That sort of wonderful aharing between persons in love has been happening since time began.

Think about it! Then, make up your own mind.

 

[altlover85]

IMHO, dear man, you are putting things in the wrong order Sex,, ideally, should come as a culminating event in the long process of bonding with another guy.

Aren't you married to a woman?

As to your point, I think it's a good point, but that's not the way it is for some guys. Just because you have sex first doesn't mean the love won't be there at some point. Some people like to see if they are sexually compatible first before they get involved.

In this situation, I think it's difficult to say love and caring aren't involved. There could just be other issues at work here.

 

[TX-Beau]

...There could just be other issues at work here.

Issues like the boyfriend got his ego bruised and retaliated at the ego of the boyfriend perhaps?

 

[NYChuBear79]

OK, so I've been in a relationship with the same guy now for about 9-10 months. There is a lot of good about this relationship that I can point out, but I feel like something's missing. I have come to realize that I haven't (since the very beginning of this relationship) been getting my "needs" fulfilled sexually.

So it's as though you two had been married for 20 years.

At first it was good and we were connecting emotionally, physically, etc. Now we're still connection emotionally but the physical relationship is just kind of boring to me. I've brought this up to him a few times and he says I should be focused more on getting my current status as unemployed turned around instead of worrying about "stupid stuff like that". I really like this guy in most departments but when it comes to that he is an asshole about it and I don't know why he's so scared to try to make the physical relationship better.

Stupid stuff like that? That sounds a little selfish to me. Sex is a huge part of a relationship. If both people aren't satisfied, then something is clearly wrong.

To be honest about it, we're doing pretty much oral and JO now and nothing else. Am I being stupid by worrying about this ?

Not at all, you're right to want something more. I mean, assuming what you're involved in is a real relationship.

Because I feel like I want more physically and even though he's a great guy he can't seem to fulfill that need. I don't want to let go of a good thing but I also don't want to let another several months slide by with me being uninterested.

Did you tell him that? Maybe he'll try harder to satisfy you if he knew (assuming he cares enough) that you may walk out the door.

I found myself watching porn again recently (which I haven't done in a few months since I was spending most of my time with him) and fantasizing about a more interesting physical relationship.

Any advice would be appreciated...

Talk to him. I mean, really talk to him. Make sure your voice is heard, and tell his ass to stop dismissing the issue as if it's nothing but a child whining about something insignificant. Him bringing up your employment status is just him changing the subject.

 

[NYChuBear79]

Well, you can show him you're really actively looking for a job... He's being like that because he cares about you. If you don't like the way he shows that sort of concern, then he's obviously not the type of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

Him being unemployed should have nothing to do with his sexual frustration with his partner. His lover isn't satisfying him, and brings up his unemployment. If he's actually doing this as some form of punishment, then that's not caring at all.

 

[altlover85]

Issues like the boyfriend got his ego bruised and retaliated at the ego of the boyfriend perhaps?

I think that's the case, but we can't be totally sure one way or the other. That's why I said it's difficult to say love and caring aren't involved and suggested their could be other issues involved.

 

[NYChuBear79]

If love and caring were involved, he wouldn't have dismissed the issue of his boyfriend's satisfaction and called it stupid.

 

[altlover85]

If love and caring were involved, he wouldn't have dismissed the issue of his boyfriend's satisfaction and called it stupid.

Good point! I know people sometimes say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment, so I was giving the other guy the benefit of the doubt.