Relationship advice.. or maybe just venting

[bankside]

Not everybody is great at career stuff, and sometimes it takes a long time for them to pull it together. Is it more just a practical hassle, because his lack of money is screwing up the plans you made together, or can you only see yourself with someone if he's got his career together?

Sometimes I think we are mistaken to assume that everybody's going to be good at that kind of thing. A lifetime together where you are the career guy and he focusses on other things important to your relationship could be just great. Or it might be a dynamic you don't want, a slightly different kind of pressure.

I think if he is kind, funny, considerate, and genuine, then he's probably not just trying to coast on anyone else's dime. It is probably just as frustrating for him. But you might always be better at financial thiings than he is.

Sexuality - being highly sexual is important. It is to me, and for 12 years of a good solid relationship, we still don't seem to get enough. Life gets in the way...of life! LOL.

Other than distance, is there a physical reason stopping him from being as sexual as you would enjoy? Also, if intimacy is important to you, but there is something sexual he can't do, can he find some other way to show you affection? I take you at your word that it isn't just about sex, that affection matters too.

Would moving in be a good idea? Or would he even move closer at least, friend or roommate in a cheap place nearer to you?

BTW, my guy and I started out 3 hours apart, and after about a year it was clear that we'd be moving in together, because we were tired of the weekends thing.

 

[KaraBulut]

This is probably one of those situations where a reasonable compromise may be the only solution. Seeing each other every 2-3 weeks is tough on a relationship but there's also an aspect of neediness on your part that is not making his unfortunate circumstance any easier on him.

So, the starting point is to ask how often would be often enough?

 

[sixthson]

Your bf sounds like a great guy who could use your patience and understanding right now. Great guys don't come along every day. In trying to have your needs fulfilled, don't forget he has needs, too.

 

[bankside]

Instead of nagging though, keep in touch. Tell him how you feel and that you want to be near him. When I couldn't be with my guy we could at least express ourselves to each other and even burn up the phone lines too.

I am able to joke about it now because I'm 12 years in, but I know what it is like to feel starved for sex, starved for intimacy, even when you know it's the right person and you know things just have to get sorted out, there's nothing wrong if it can all just come together, and even knowing all that intellectually, I know it's still a big pressure.

In my opinion it is worth it. And though I like focussing on the positive side of my relationship and I'd give you the same advice, to be blunt for a minute the alternative of breaking up and being single does not exactly deliver any more intimacy, any more sex (maybe hook-ups but building a different relationship can't happen overnight either.)

A few practical things, is he talking about looking for work near you? Or are you talking about moving when school is done?

 

[NineOfClubs]

I once tried a long distance relationship with a guy on another continent.

We really were meant for each other, total soul mates. The only times we were together were for a couple of days in Seattle, a few in San Francisco, and three weeks in Thailand, his home country.

He had a great job in IT and planned to move to the US, we stayed "together" for months and talked every day on Yahoo Chat. His planned transition to living in the US just wasn't happening, and I was getting more and more frustrated not being able to hook up and play around. Like you, Lucky7, I'm sexual too and I felt the need to be physical.

One day I just asked for permission to have NSA fun with other guys and he refused.

End of my story, and I don't know how this has anything to do with your particular situation...

All I can say is good luck, maybe time will work in your favor.

 

[Seasoned]

As I read your post I find three major issues, namely, the distance between you, his financial condition and your depression. I'm most concerned about your depression. Is it being treated? I hope it is because it is a serious condition as you know. Have you used sex to manage your depression? If so, you are putting an unfair burden on him?

I wish we were face to face because I mean to be supportive of you and don't want to come across as hurtful. It seems as if you two are soulmates, especially since you have managed to stick by each other.

As far as the sexual issues you describe, they can be accommodated. You can fuck his thighs rather than his hole. He could also stick a fleshlight between his thighs. Creativity is the answer and of course these were just suggestions. I hope he has privacy so the two of you can chat, have phone sex or cam while you're apart.

Good luck to both of you.

PS. I was in a ltr with my partner for 16 of our 27 years together.

 

[KaraBulut]

This is probably one of those situations where a reasonable compromise may be the only solution. Seeing each other every 2-3 weeks is tough on a relationship but there's also an aspect of neediness on your part that is not making his unfortunate circumstance any easier on him.

So, the starting point is to ask how often would be often enough?

You're right.. i'd like to see him every 1-2 weekends. Right now, he just needs to worry about getting a job and getting his life together.. and I'm okay with that. I don't really ask anything of him.

This has been an issue for some time and it seemed like it was going to work itself out until this latest setback.

The underlying question here is whether you're in this for the long haul.

If you don't see this as a long-term relationship, then it would be easier on both of you if you- at least temporarily- talked about taking a break from the relationship to let him focus on getting his life on track. He may not want to do that- if that's the case, then you will have to find a compromise so that you can see each other more often.

On the other hand, if you view this as a long-term relationship, then work together to find a solution. This may mean helping him to find a job and a living situation in the city. Or it may mean that both of you will need to make a change so that you can be together.

But a word of caution: 2-3 weeks of being apart is tough but there is an element of dependence that is part of this. Wanting someone, needing someone and loving someone are connected to each other... but when need is the strongest of the three motivators, it places a lot of pressure on any relationship.

 

[operafan]

I hope you guys can tough it out because it sounds like you have everything going for you but distance.