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Relationship advice

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dazed44

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I probably already know the answer, but I need some support. My BF and I have been together 8 years. About a few months ago I was shown his profile from many different websites asking to hook up. I got suspicious and looked through his phone, and found the evidence. I asked him about it, he talked himself out of it, and we moved on.

This weekend he was going up north for a bear weekend, and told me this one guy up there whom he knew I was suspicious was in Jail or had moved. I received a message from the phone company we were over messages, so I went online and looked, and found that he was texting that guy the same time he told me he moved.

So I understand that trust is broken. Could it ever be repaired, or is best at this point to move on, and save myself future headaches?
 
Well, other than the number of years you've been together, you really haven't spoken much about the relationship, the person or whether you want to try to salvage this.

Your partner has a problem. He's cheating. He's lying. He sounds very much like someone with an addiction issue who is concealing it.

There's a confrontation here that will be inevitable. If he's not willing to do what needs to be done to address the underlying issues, then you have a choice to make.
 
We have been together for 26+ yrs, and it would not have got to this point if one of us had been lieing and or cheating.

Once this trust is broken it is VERY hard to get back. Relationships can only survive with TRUST- COMMUNICATION-LOVE-COMMITMENT-SUPPORT.

But trust is a major key issue.

It will be up to you to find it in your self if you want to continue this LTR and put up with the lies and cheating.

But remember once a cheater cheats- they will most likely cheat again.. And your bf was doing right to your face, so that should give you a idea of what is in store,, more cheating, possible std's or worse..

You need to look out for your self first and foremost.
 
My partner and I will be together 28 years this summer if we make it. I write that because we have one day at a time inscribed in our wedding rings. We both have addiction issues and I have to say practically everything is repairable if both parties are willing.

You could walk away and you might have to should he be unwilling to come clean. His getting caught could be a cry for help. My general advice is to work on repair unless someone is in grave harm.

We might expect to hold hands and walk off to the future happily ever after, but the reality is life is messy. While it would be nice to wish away the pain I've caused and the pain I've felt the truth is I'd have a less rich life and a less intimate relationship. I don't mean we should ever seek out this shit, but partners bring things to each other and the way these things are dealt with determines the quality of life.

My belief is that I am not here to make someone happy or to necessarily be happy myself, but, rather, to grow and learn. I'm turning 65 this year (yikes!!!) and I have been trying to see things differently. Rather than saying good things and bad things happen, I am trying to say and believe that these "things" are actually neutral. No one is out to get me.

You have every "right" to bolt and I'd support that and let you cry on my shoulder. Maybe you'd find someone else who'd do the same thing. The more interesting movie or novel would be if you hung around to see what happens next.

I'm sorry for your pain. I wish you the strength and grace you need to do the next right thing. Don't kill the SOB.
 
It's all about priorities. If the money is good, then, stick it out. He's definitely not husband material.
 
racer2438 said:
We have been together for 26+ yrs, and it would not have got to this point if one of us had been lieing and or cheating.

Once this trust is broken it is VERY hard to get back. Relationships can only survive with TRUST- COMMUNICATION-LOVE-COMMITMENT-SUPPORT.

But trust is a major key issue.

It will be up to you to find it in your self if you want to continue this LTR and put up with the lies and cheating.

But remember once a cheater cheats- they will most likely cheat again.. And your bf was doing right to your face, so that should give you a idea of what is in store,, more cheating, possible std's or worse..

You need to look out for your self first and foremost.
Click to expand...

26 years. Congrats man.
 
I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. As others have said trust is a HUGE issue and obviously you can't trust him right now. He's lied to you numerous times that you know about. How many times has he lied that you don't know about? Do you want to live the rest of your life wondering where he is and what he's up to? It will always be in the back of your mind. I would end it and end it soon. Love based on a lie is not true love. He's a liar and a cheater. You deserve better. Break ups are terrible things to go through. Just did it myself. It hurts and there is no easy way to do it. However you have to dump this guy and move on with your life. IF he TRULY loved you he wouldn't be lying, hiding and cheating. Cut him loose and save yourself from more pain. This guy doesn't respect or care for you. He may say he does but obviously he's a proven liar. Pack up his belongings and set them by the door. Tell him to go live with the bear that's in jail or 1 of his other hook ups. DON'T let him talk his way back into your life. He will only hurt you again.

I wish you the best, but he has to go.

Steven.
 
I think at this point, you need to let him figure out if it can be repaired. You've done enough.

If he is a person who just will not be monogamous, he could have either tried to explain to you why, how he would want it to be, and why you should stick with him anyway. Or he could have honoured your understanding of a relationship by letting you know he couldn't offer that to you and that you should both move on. Or he could explain why, if he wants monogamy with you, that he fails at it.

He didn't do any of those things, which are not things you have to do. He has fucked up, and you have already given him everything you need to. There are certain things that we owe our partners; compassion, understanding, bravery...you don't owe him any of these things any more.

Where he has taken this relationship without your knowledge or consent, you can still give him compassion and understanding, but they are favours, not his due. You don't owe him anything.
 
I think the ball is in his court and then back over to you.

You both need to assess whether you are individually getting everything you want and need out of the relationship.

Can you share him sexually and emotionally?

If not, then that is that.

Can he be forgiven for his deceit? Maybe once, but twice? Or three times?

If not, that is that.

Because you are writing here, I have to assume that you want to have support for kicking him to the curb.

Here's mine.

At least for a trial period apart.
 
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