Relationship advice

[crazyplane33]

I'll try to keep this short, but it's kind of a long story.

I started seeing this guy about three or four months ago. We met online and immediately hit it off, and delved right into a relationship. I thought everything was going great. After a while, though, I had decided to deactivate the account I had made on the website we met on, seeing as I didn't feel like keeping it around. Come to find out that my boyfriend was still active on it. One night while he had stepped out to go to the bathroom or something, I was curious and slightly suspicious, so I snuck onto his phone, clicked on the app for the website, and found that he was actually talking to, and even flirting with people whilst still maintaining a relationship with me. Keeping it a secret that I had saw it on his phone that same night, I questioned him about the website seemingly casually, and he showed me on his phone that the last person he ever talked to on the website was me, when we first met. He had actually deleted the messages I had just seen hours before, and lied to me. I was incredibly upset, but brushed it aside, and decided to just keep that in mind for the future.

Fast forward probably a couple weeks or so, he was over my place taking a nap, and curiosity got the best of me again, and I creeped onto his phone. I discovered that he had been talking to his friends about breaking up with me because he thought that I was insecure about our relationship (because of the questions over the websites), too anti-social for his tastes, that we didn't have much in common, and that he would be starting college soon and didn't want a boyfriend. I was crushed, and decided that to save myself even more pain, I'd beat him to the punch. I told him exactly what he had told his friends (the flaws about myself) as my reasoning. He took it a lot harder than I had expected, told me that while yes those were concerns of his, he didn't care too much of them and wanted to work them out (mind you that the conversations with his friends were about a week before this happening). He didn't like that I questioned his commitment either, but then later stated that he had commitment issues, and would soon be going off to college a few hours away from me and the distance was a huge concern to him. With all of this in the back of our minds, we eventually got back together not too long later.

The morning after we had gotten back together, I had to work, but he wanted to stay at my place until I got back, which I was fine with. After I got out, we hung out for a while, and then I brought him home. When I got back, I found that he had been on my laptop and had left his email account active on it. I let curiosity get the best of me, yet again, and had discovered that not only was he on the website we met on, he was on several, and even answering to ads on craigslist. I was furious, and swiftly ended it. About three or so days later, I texted him trying to figure out why he had done this to me, which he replied to with saying that nothing came out of anything he was doing online, that it was just curiosity and that he would never cheat on me or anything. One thing led to another, and the conversation eventually turned into me apologizing for invading his privacy and asking for another chance. He said no, but on the day he came to return my stuff, changed his mind, and we are once again together.

*phew* So having said all of this, I'm curious to know anyone's thoughts. I'll probably get a lot of heat for going through his phone and email and all, but I'm wondering if the things he did behind my back justifies my reasoning.

 

[Rolyo85]

You both sound super immature (clearly he at least is at a pre-college level), and you are dishonest as hell, have no respect for him AND are insecure, which leads to suspicion. You will always be suspicious, whether you stay with him or move on, until you work through your insecurity.

Where he goes online is none of your concern if it doesn't impact you. I have been through two relationships (still in the second one) never for a second getting off grindr. I am not there to hook up, and I make that clear from the get go. If you had pulled that crap on me, your ass would be out the door before you could even begin apologizing for violating my privacy.

Being on sites doesn't equate cheating. Cheating equates cheating. And insecurity is destructive.

 

[crazyplane33]

It's strange. Part of me agrees with you. The thing is though, he has stepped up on being a boyfriend since then. I didn't mention it before because I didn't think it was relevant, but our relationship started off with a great passion, but had been dying down slowly. After having gone through this, he has become a lot more passionate, from in my opinion, realizing that he could lose me for what he's done.

I realize that I should not have gone through his stuff. But at the same time, I question, would me being completely clueless be better for me? After having gone through his stuff, yes I saw that he had been talking/flirting with people, but whenever the other person mentioned anything about meeting up, the conversation ended. I'm just really confused about what his motives were.

 

[bankside]

a) once you have a physical relationship with someone, how much privacy do they need? You went through his phone not because there's something wrong with you, but because you had intution that something was wrong with him. And yes you are going to get dumped on for that by a bunch of people who I've never figured out. I guess they're the "ignorance is bliss" crowd.

b) I go through online profiles of hot guys because people are interesting even in a committed relationship. So does my guy. We don't hide it from each other, quite the opposite. We'll look at the same sites together, see something hot that some guy does and say "we have to try that."

He spends more time looking at video sites, and i spend more time looking at random profiles of horny exhibitionist guys. But I also don't chat with guys one on one like I'm setting something up with them.

 

[Rolyo85]

Ignorance is not bliss. But trust is everything. You either have it or you don't, and if you don't, it does not work. Ever. And nobody goes through my phone or laptop without my permission. If they have doubts, they talk to me. If they still have doubts afterwards, they're welcome to leave. But creeping on my personal stuff without my permission lacks any dignity and self-respect, and it is a violation of the trust I have put in you.

As for your boyfriend, he sounds immature, which is normal considering his age. He will figure it out. But not if you keep him on a leash.

 

[crazyplane33]

I'm not proud of what I've done. It's a violation of his privacy and trust, and I acknowledge it and have apologized. I know that we've got a lot of growing up to do.

What do you guys think of our decision to get back together? Was it the best decision for both of us, despite the wrongs we both have/had?

 

[Rolyo85]

Nobody can tell you that. Sounds like you have a chance to work it out, yes. But the real question is - are you going to snoop again next time you become suspicious and insecure?

 

[crazyplane33]

I told him that I couldn't promise anything when it comes to my suspicions or insecurities, and that I knew I had to work on them. I can't swear off of snooping, but based on how much damage it's caused in our past, I feel like it won't happen as much, if not ever again.

 

[bankside]

You don't have unreasonable suspicions. You have reasonable suspicions.

 

[Rolyo85]

Based on his bf's presence on a dating site, I'd say they are pretty unreasonable.

 

[TX-Beau]

a) once you have a physical relationship with someone, how much privacy do they need?...

I'm sorry Bankside. I generally have a huge amount of respect for your opinions but that is just ridiculous. Dating someone does not eliminate the need for space.

I met my guy in a gay bar, where I went with a bunch of gay men to hook up. I met him, we fucked. I still have a bunch of gay friends - the same ones with whom I used to go out to hook up, we still go to gay bars - is it therefore reasonable suspicion on my guy's part to assume I'm going out with my gay friends to gay bars looking to cheat on him?

No, if you think you're being cheated on you bring it up, you say why, and you try to deal, and if you can't, you leave. Guys don't lose their individuality because you date them, and if you think they do, you're in for a life of hurt.

 

[shastamc24]

Snooping on someone's phone or email is completely inappropriate. The only way it would be understandable, not ok, but understandable, is if he had cheated before and you knew about it and you still had reason to think he was. I was in a relationship with someone who was cheating on me, taking full advantage of Grindr, etc, and I will tell you it does make you do things you would never, ever, consider doing otherwise. It makes you incredibly nervous and will cause you to act irrationally. So, when people tell you that snooping is wrong, they are right, but it is certainly easier said then done if you have been in a situation like that.

If you were concerned about him sneaking around in the first place, you should talk to him before it ever becomes an issue. What is appropriate behavior? Do you think it's ok for him/you to maintain a profile on those sites? If so, good. If not, why. Ask his reasons for why he still wants to have a profile and why that is important to him. I do sometimes question the motives of someone who is in a relationship and maintains active profiles on Grindr, OkCupid, Manhunt, etc.

 

[TX-Beau]

Snooping on someone's phone or email is completely inappropriate. The only way it would be understandable, not ok, but understandable, is if he had cheated before and you knew about it and you still had reason to think he was. I was in a relationship with someone who was cheating on me, taking full advantage of Grindr, etc, and I will tell you it does make you do things you would never, ever, consider doing otherwise. It makes you incredibly nervous and will cause you to act irrationally. So, when people tell you that snooping is wrong, they are right, but it is certainly easier said then done if you have been in a situation like that.

If you were concerned about him sneaking around in the first place, you should talk to him before it ever becomes an issue. What is appropriate behavior? Do you think it's ok for him/you to maintain a profile on those sites? If so, good. If not, why. Ask his reasons for why he still wants to have a profile and why that is important to him. I do sometimes question the motives of someone who is in a relationship and maintains active profiles on Grindr, OkCupid, Manhunt, etc.

This is good advice. Of course people are going to make mistakes. do things that are not the best idea fro reasons that are not the noblest of motives, but some things can have far worse repercussions than others. I KNOW it's a bad idea to have that last whiskey at last call on a week night, but sometimes I do anyway, then pay for it six hours later. But if my guy was snooping through my phone/computer/journal without permission, that would have serious repercussions. I'd leave if there was no long history, and if it had been going on for a long time, I'd leave regardless.

That's me, some guys might not find this so insulting. I don't know why all you guys who like to live in each other's pockets don't just date each other.