Relationship disaster

[aznboi90]

Hey guys, I'm in need of some venting and need advices.

Recently, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 2 months ago in March, and currently, we are "working things out." We see each other often, but not as often as I would want. Why do we break up? I had so much anger towards him because of the baggage that he carried. I found out after the breakup that he was dating his ex while he was dating me, but this was 2 years ago. I could really care less about it now. But during the relationship, he was insecure and posted ads up on Craigslist and replied to some, which pissed me off. I confronted him about it, and he told me that the reason why he did that was because he was insecure, he wanted some validation. My ex may not be the perfect guy with nice abs and a nice body, but I, honestly, do not care about the way he looks because what matters is that his personality shines and we really connect.

I guess we broke up because I couldn't stand it. But right now, we're dating all over again, try to make it work again. I don't mind. But what's bugging me is that he is taking forever to decide if this is what he wants. It's been two months already, how long do I have to wait for him to tell me that he is ready? How much time does he need? I don't want to stand here and wait, pining away. I really love him though. But here's the thing, I have never cheated on my ex. He's done it to me, but this when we weren't technically "together." Should I be the one who's questioning if I should be in relationship, and not him?

At times, I am confused. I don't know where we stand. He makes me feel like we are in a relationship. He calls me every night, every time he gets off work... It's like old times. But now, we're living apart from each other since he kicked me out after we broke up. Isn't this like pretty much dating all over again even though we already know each other? He comes down to my place to have dinner sometimes even though it's like a 40 minute drive. Who does that on a weekly basis? I mean it's progressive SLOWLY, but it's driving me nuts that he doesn't know what he wants. I just think that he's dragging it on and that he's a commitment-phobe.

I talked to him about this last night, and he tells me that he's happy with where we are at. But he doesn't know what is it that he wants. He gives me mixed signals, and sometimes I don't know how to act, what to say. It's kind of annoying.

Bottom line, I'm baffled, confused with this predicament. I don't know what to do. Help? Advices? I would really appreciate it. Thanks!

Just in case you're wondering. I'm 20, going to college, out to family and friends. He's 27, working 2 jobs, and not out.

 

[Stud4FunX]

I would say he's not ready for a relationship with you man. I sound a lot like him, dating two guys at once, fucking with someone's feelings. Telling him what he want's to hear. I'd say be 20 man, live life and have fun! Be yourself, Mr. Right will come along...he doesn't seem like he WANTS to be tied down. This is my own personal opinion but your 20, don't sacrifice yourself just because you think he might be the one. Live!

If you do want to stay with him, make yourself unavailable sometimes. Don't always be there. Play the game and be a little flakey. It'll make him decide real quick on whether or not to pursue you. If he feels like you're pulling away he'll run toward you or away from you Good luck bro


Wes

 

[strosbuff88]

You've already received acknowledgement that he has been unfaithful to you! At some point within your relationship his loyalty came into question, and he was not at your side.

You shouldn't "care less about it now" because you'll be reminded of that every time you look at him!

Including that, there's just so many other dynamics to this. Even in my opinion it sounds as if you're more mature than him! I'm just two years ahead of you and I'm impressed by how you're handling everything going on. :]

Anyway, I just think that he's questioning you, y'alls history and past because he's uncertain that if you both were to part ways that he wouldn't be able to catch anyone elses interest. We're all insecure about something, but for him to go through the process to see if anyone wants his "bait" it just wouldn't bode well with me.

I agree with Wes on his point as well. I know there's a lot I myself am not certain of (see: orientation) but every day I seem to learn something I haven't before. I at one point was being heavily pursued by one guy on a personal dating site. I then decided that it was just too much for me and erased my existence from this site. This one guy could contact me through other methods as well, having provided him with the necessary information, but alas weeks went by without a message or anything.

The point is people can be so disingenuous. Always containing fear that that one person might be out of their life within minutes, hours or days, so they'll do or SAY anything just to keep you a little longer. It's his move, but don't wait around idle hoping that he'll provide you with what you want to hear.

I hope well for you, but don't hold onto this hope if he doesn't seriously want to be on the other end grasping for it too.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's that old saying, "Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me."

What's unsettling about your post is the passivity. You had good reasons to end your previous relationship with him.

Now you're back in a relationship with him again. You haven't really said whether there's hope that this time will be any different from the last time.

And you're waiting for him to make the decision as to whether he wants to be in a relationship with you?

If you had posted that your boyfriend has been in therapy and has been working on the issues that caused your last breakup or you posted asking whether you should take him back, this would be a better situation. But you're in a position where he's calling the shots and given the history, it should be you who is deciding whether to take him back.

 

[future_retro]

I agree with Kara. You are allowing him to call the shots. At this point, *you* should be calling the shots.

I can't say whether you should be with this guy, but I can say that you're only 20, you seem like a nice guy, and there are plenty more fish in the sea. Try to keep this in mind, and it may help you make a decision. Because it should be you making this decision, not him.

Personally (and this is what *I* would do, I'm not saying it's definitely right for you), I would move on at this point - especially after having the talk last night and finding out he is 'happy with where things are at'.

 

[aznboi90]

THANKS guys for the responses, I honestly appreciate it.

To be honest, I want him to go and see a psychologist with me. I do have hope for things to change, but I don't know if that's because I'm just lying to myself thinking that it will change. I think I'm just going to wait it out, but focus on myself in the meantime.

I understand what you guys have said, for the fact that I should be the one questioning him since he messed up. I know I should be the one making the decision and not him. But I don't know... I'm a little confused there too :[

As of right now, we haven't talked for two days since he's just being a little brat. I'm taking this time to decide for myself and focusing on myself. I have midterms this Friday, and I can't afford to bomb this exam again. I'm going to let him figure it out for himself. He needs to grow up. Haha, I think I'm more mature than he is, sadly.

Is it possible to be 20 and be tied down to a commitment? When I was younger, I didn't think that I would be in a relationship and thought that it was ridiculous. But now that I am or WAS in one, I don't know how to date again or be myself since I was around him 24/7. He was the only person I hung out with besides my best friend from high school. I don't know how to start all over if I have to...

 

[future_retro]

I don't think there's anything wrong with being 20 and being in a relationship - or being 'tied down to a commitment', as you put it. Some people will tell you that at 20 you should be 'free' or 'sowing your wild oats' but that's crap - you do what's right for you. The question is: 'Is this person right for you?' not 'Should I be in a relationship at 20?'

As for 'I don't know how to date': don't put pressure on yourself if you want to date. I know dating can seem formidable but it's surprisingly easy. It's just meeting up with guys for coffee, drinks or dinner and talking. In the end, it's just listening to them, telling them a bit about yourself, and seeing what happens. Maybe something will happen and you click, maybe nothing will happen. It doesn't really matter that much either way. If you're meant to click with someone, you will.

Good luck with your mid-terms.

 

[Just_Believe18]

This guy is not worth the effort you're putting into it. You have a better idea of what you want than he does. Give it up. You'll be happier.

 

[Seasoned]

This is way too much work while you need to be concentrating on good grades for graduate school. Too much drama

 

[altlover85]

If one of your primary reasons for being in the relationship is because you are afraid you don't know how to date, end things with him, and find out that you actually do know how to date.

You are young and there's no need to waste your youth on a waffler.

 

[aznboi90]

Thank you all.
I truly, truly... from the bottom of my heart, thank each and one of you for your support and advices. I'm happy to have this support system. Thank you, once again :]

I think I have idea of what I need to do now.