Relationship Doldrums

[Pyramus11]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 14 months. It started off as long-distance, but he moved here in January to start a Master's program at my university, and now we live together. Lately, things have kind of died off. I love him a lot, and I think that he loves me, but we're never very affectionate any more. We haven't had sex since around July, I think.

My degree involves a lot of reading and writing all of the time, and his involves a lot of practicing for his music stuff, so we don't have -that- much free time, but he gets really stressed out easily. When I get stressed out, I get horny, but it's got the opposite effect on him, sadly. I don't think that I'm a model or anything, but I'm at least kind of cute, and he used to be attracted to me, at least.

He hates it when I compliment him, or try to get physical, and he doesn't like complimenting me, either. I can't even get him to flirt, anymore. We basically eat dinner together, watch some TV, and then go to bed by about 11:30, every night.

I'm ok with not having a stellar sex life; it means that I pretty much have to jack off every day a few times, but I can cope with that. The part I haven't been dealing with well is the emotional distance. A little flirting or a few unsolicited compliments would make my day better, certainly.

I try being super affectionate, and I can't get any response. Not being affectionate at all, and trying something in the middle also don't seem to work. I do try talking to him about it, but he's very reluctant to talk about feelings. He says "I don't like talking about feelings," basically. Part of it is his parents, I think; they hate each other, but aren't divorced, so he thinks that not talking to your partner is a normal part of a relationship. They were also pretty mean to him as a kid, so I understand why he doesn't trust compliments.

At the end of the school year, my BA will be done (He's 6 months older than me, and I'm taking an extra year on my undergraduate), but his MA won't, so I'll be moving on and he'll still be here. This university doesn't have the MA program that I need.

I'm willing to stay in a LDR with him; it worked before, but he's sort of been saying that we'll be going our separate ways in May, which really bums me out. I asked if he wanted to keep the relationship going, then, and he said that he didn't know, which really got me down. I'm nervous about moving on to graduate school, anyway, but to also worry about this adds a lot of stress.

I love him and care for him a lot; I think he's really special, and he does generally cope with my personality. I just don't really know where to go from here, with him. I'm still really attracted to him, but since we haven't been having sex, I've found myself checking out other guys, and it really bothers me on the inside; it feels like I'm not being faithful.

Any thoughts? Am I too needy?

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, no you don't sound all that needy, you sound normal, and he sounds like he wants out.

Decide what you're going to do in May, once you know, once you've made the decision you'll take some pressure off of yourself.

I'd also say you need to start reconciling yourself to this ending.

Whatever the reasons behind his issues - he's not participating in your relationship and that's a huge problem, usually an insurmountable problem - you don't have a relationship if one of you isn't in it.

If I was in your position, I'd have probably already had the "where is this going," conversation with him, and then, depending on what his answer was, some form of ending it even if that just meant no more boyfriends just roommates.

I suspect you probably know somewhere in your head that this is over, and that's hard, just think about what it means for you when/if this ends, so you won't be mentally and emotionally unprepared.

 

[Rolyo85]

Doesn't sound like you're needy at all. You just need more emotionally (and physically, which is PERFECTLY normal and understandable) than he is offering you. Sadly, it seems to me like he is not into this relationship anymore. And sadly, there is very little you can do about it, other than confront him, and just force him to discuss it. He might not want to talk about it, but if you've been together for long enough, he kind of owes you to put things in perspective.

Also, being in a relationship doesn't automatically lower your sex drive or make you blind. You might be heels over head for your man 24/7, and it would still be perfectly normal to check out other guys. It's not cheating until you act on it

 

[sixthson]

Don't wait until May. Move out now. He has already moved on. Get the hurt over now before you start the stress of your masters.

 

[Seasoned]

You are not needy and there is nothing to indicate you'd need to be in a relationship and have to be satisfied with solo sex. What does he do for sex, btw?

I'd say, and I never say this unless abuse is involved, your relationship is not repairable. He may have been damaged by his parents, but he's a big boy now and needs to find remedies.

You need to be done with the initial trauma of losing a relationship before you start graduate school.

Please learn one thing from this. Communication in all it's forms is necessary for a healthy relationship. Sex is important depending upon the people involved, but no one who is physically and mentally capable ought to be forced to give up all forms of bonding and affection. You'll get more than that from most random roommates.

The man of your dreams is around one of the next corners. Good luck and sorry.

 

[Ganoderma]

Any thoughts? Am I too needy?

hi Pyramus11,

I agree with others that you are not too needy.

Somehow, I have the idea that he is your current roommate. Nothing wrong with having a nice guy (gay) as a roommate, but I tend to think that one can not really speak anymore of a relationship?

We basically eat dinner together, watch some TV, and then go to bed by about 11:30, every night.

That's all what you are doing together? Do you still sleep in the same bed / room?

So I tend to agree with the other posters. Go on with checking out other nice guys, and try to find a nice one who understands much better what you need.

He has lost all interest in sex? Is his sick (or something like that)?

Feel free to react.

 

[Pyramus11]

We do sleep in the same bed. As far as what he does for sex, I'm not sure. I've never seen/heard him jacking off, and I know that he doesn't like doing that in the shower. I think he's just lost some of his sex drive.

I think he may be sick; he's got kind of a sensitive stomach, but won't go to the doctor about it, low energy levels, etc. It mostly started after he stopped eating meat, but I don't know how much that factors into it.

Part of it may be that living together just kind of stresses us both out, to a degree. He's kind of a neat freak, while I am much less of one; I'm trying to adapt to his ways, but he does get a bit peeved at some of the things that I do.

Thank you guys for your input; I do think that you're probably right. I'd like to salvage things, but I need to be prepared if that's not going to happen. He does tell me he loves me, still, which is at least something to be hopeful over.

 

[TX-Beau]

I hate that point in a relationship when you start planning for yourself.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Pyramus11,

Thanks for your nice and friendly reply. Once again, I get the idea that you are telling us that you are currently living together with a gay roommate.

As far as what he does for sex, I'm not sure. I've never seen/heard him jacking off, and I know that he doesn't like doing that in the shower. I think he's just lost some of his sex drive.

Excuse me very much, but isn't is quite essential that guys who are in a relationship (so boyfriend of each other) know these kind of details of each other, especially when they are living in the same house / room? Towards my opinion, you describe the sex life of your roommate, but not of your boyfriend.

I think he may be sick; he's got kind of a sensitive stomach, but won't go to the doctor about it, low energy levels, etc. It mostly started after he stopped eating meat, but I don't know how much that factors into it.

And again, You assume he is sick, but you don't have a good picture of his current health. Is (might be) normal for a roommate, but is somehow weird for a guy who is your boyfriend and who is living together with you.

Millions of people don't eat meat, but they are very healthy and they have a high sex drive as well. Why does he not want to visit a doctor? Seems to me he has serious health problems? Do you eat meat? Are you sure his food intake is good and consists of healthy items?

Maybe he is satisfied with this situation, but why does he not seem to realize that this is not the case for you?

So I tend to think you are indeed unable to solve this and to keep him as your boyfriend.

Feel free to react on this. Take care and best wishes, and I would like to wish you all the best during this difficult period.

 

[bankside]

He's acting like a depressed person.

Unfortunately the consequences of that depression are spilling over into your relationship and drowning it.

It is normal for people in love with a future to say things like "Yes of course I want a future together. We'll do whatever it takes to see each other as often as possible for the year of your masters program."

It is not normal for people to say things like "I love you" but "Don't touch me" and "I don't know if our relationship has a future."

And it is not smart for people to follow the emotional example of their divorcing parents.

The unfortunate part is this is happening not to some stranger passing by, but to someone you specifically picked as being handsome enough, fun enough, sexy enough, smart enough, and that you felt close to enough to actually have a relationship with.

At the moment though, he's acting like he forgot all the same good things that drew him to you, he's turning his back on what you have together, and generally pissing on the parade. You're supposed to help each other get through life and have fun doing it, not resent each other. Even when times are tough you should have each other's back.

So call him on it. Tell him what you've noticed about his behaviour. And then take his back: tell him you're usually right about these things, and that you still think he is the decent person you were attracted to. Tell him there's only a 1% chance he's actually an asshole, and a 99% chance that he's struggling with depression and that it's swamping who he really is. And tell him to take charge of his health with a visit to the doctor.

"Having his back" doesn't mean being his doormat. It means giving him a shot to turn his life (and your relationship) around. Because right now he's driving it into the ground. If he wants to continue driving it into the ground, get out of the car

 

[MoltenRock III]

Wait.... You're only in your 20s, have been in a relationship for 14 months, of which the last 4 months have been sexless and "lifeless" essentially. I'd be a bit worried if this was the case after 14 years, but not even being together for only several months. Sounds like he was infatuated with you, while you love him, and he simply can't nut up and tell you it's over. He's going to wait for you to break up with him. He's getting sex from somewhere, that much is for sure.

 

[altlover85]

He does tell me he loves me, still, which is at least something to be hopeful over.

This might sound a little harsh, so I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings, it's not meant to.

I think him telling you he still loves you is shitty, even if it's true. He's certainly not acting that way.

I can understand if he's shutting down partly because you aren't going to be living together, but no sex since July when you still have a sex drive is not okay. Nevermind, every thing else.

I'd talk to him about the possibility of him being depressed, ask him to see a doctor, and if he refuses, set plans in motion to move on.

You deserve better than what he's giving you

 

[maxpowr9]

I feel like this thread indirectly touched upon my life a bit too because I am in a somewhat similar bind. If you sleep in the same bed and hardly get intimate, I'd say dump his ass. I don't even live with my BF but if he stays the night, we at least will spoon or snuggle if not anything else. While sex may not be #1 in a relationship, if he can't be there emotionally for you, that is just unhealthy to be around.

 

[MoltenRock III]

I feel like this thread indirectly touched upon my life a bit too because I am in a somewhat similar bind. If you sleep in the same bed and hardly get intimate, I'd say dump his ass. I don't even live with my BF but if he stays the night, we at least will spoon or snuggle if not anything else. While sex may not be #1 in a relationship, if he can't be there emotionally for you, that is just unhealthy to be around.

Sorry Boo, but if you and I were dating I would be hard as a rock against your butt spooning! If you don't have that currently, dump him!