Relationship Doomed?

[rgnyc12]

Hi all, I was hoping to get some advice about my current relationship. We have been in a relationship a little over a year.

We first met last year and the relationship progressed quickly, he asked me to be his boyfriend after a few weeks of dating, and then told me he loved me another few weeks after that. I was hesitant to “dive in” fully to the relationship. He was only recently out of a long term relationship a few weeks before we met. My boyfriend explained that he and his ex were having trouble for a few months, and were in an open relationship for the majority of their relationship. My boyfriend also had a picture of him and his ex on his wall still and was still using his ex’s Netflix account. I also lived an hour or so away from him, it wasn’t the most convenient when you’re trying to build a relationship. However, I made my concerns well known and he assured me that I was the one for him. He was eager for me to meet his family. He texted, called me everyday and made it clear he wanted me part of his future. We even went to Europe a few months later. On the trip, he made it known he wanted me to move in with him in the next few months. Everything seemed to be going in a good direction.

Then a few things started happening six months or so into the relationship that started to become red flags for me… I guess it would be easier to list them all…

• He admitted he would be open to a threesome, which is something I am not looking for. He said he didn't need to have that though after we spoke about it.
• The majority of time we saw each other, I would drive an hour to his place. He said he couldn’t put too many miles on his lease. This changed after I pointed out that it wasn't fair for me.
• He would make an effort to have dinner with his best friend a few nights per week but would not try and meet up with me during the week for dinner. (After I spoke to him about it, we decided to make a date night during the week)
• Shortly after I took him away for his birthday, we were out with his old work friends and he was joking with them all about giving them blow jobs.
• A week later, he texted me he was going out with a friend, Kevin (I never heard him mention this guy before and I grew suspicious). He said they saw each other out while he was at a work function and decided to grab a quick bite with him. After his dinner he called me and I asked where they met, he said at work. I asked if Kevin was gay, he said yes. I then asked if Kevin and him ever hooked up, he replied “I don’t think so”. He later confessed that they met over a year ago on Grindr and hooked up once. I asked him if they hooked up ever while we were together. He said no. I asked if they texted back and forth since we were dating, he told me no. I wasnÂ’t upset that he went out with someone he previously hooked up with. I was upset he lied about it all. We didn’t talk for awhile. After we spoke, and he agreed to not let it happen. He said he was scared I was going to get upset or think something happened if he told me they hooked up before we met.
• A day later, we were out and his phone went off, and it was Kevin. I grabbed the phone and saw that they were having conversations every so often, even after we stared dating. None of the conversations were of substance (More like hey, how are you). A lot of the texts from Kevin were ignored by my boyfriend. The last text was a text from my boyfriend saying that he was in a relationship. However, he only mentions this important info months after we started dating, and after several different texts from Kevin. This was a serious blow to the relationship since it was another lie he told me. He claimed it wasn’t anything to tell me since it was all small talk. He ended up apologizing again and we stayed together.
• In March, I got Lymes disease while doing yard work at his house. When I got sick, he didn’t seem very concerned. He wouldn’t even ask me about my doctor visits. He even makes sarcastic jokes about me being sick. I mentioned to him that we should spray for ticks in his yard to kill them. I told him I would split the cost. He told me it was too expensive and that he wasnÂ’t sure it was a “priority” as he wanted to do other home improvement jobs. I asked him would be it be a priority if he had lyme disease, he said “probably”. A few weeks later we found more ticks in the yard and he decided to finally spray. But I felt really hurt by his coldness about the whole thing.
• In April, I discovered he started following a guy he hooked up years ago with on Instagram (this happened while we were away for my birthday, he surprised me with a trip). He said he only wanted to be friends with him. I told him that he is giving me the impression to me that he wants to see other people. He told me that is not the case.
• Recently, we were out at a party, and he (drunkenly) asked a guy if he had a Instagram porn account because he would want to follow it. The next day he apologized to me, and is wondering why he can’t stop saying sexual things in public.
• He told me a coworker that works below him recently came out to him at work. This coworker is now asking him to go out and and get drinks with him. I said it sounded like this coworker is into him. My boyfriend somewhat agreed but still thought it was ok to go out with him. After we spoke, he agreed it wasn’t right and said he would tell him no.

This week, our date night during the week unbeknownst to me was now his dinner night with his best friend (since it was more convenient for his best friend). My boyfriend said he “thinks” I am invited. I told him I will let have time with his friend.

My boyfriends biggest complaint about me is that I don’t relax or let loose with him. I agree that I am not the carefree person I once was and that is because so much stuff has happened that has hurt me. He says most of these things that I have written above are things he is not aware that he is doing. He says he has no ill intent towards me when he does these “stupid” things. He says he is trying to not do any of this to hurt me and wants to stop doing it all. He is five years younger, in his late twenties. He thinks that I may be more mature than him, and he is right.

I just don’t know how to move forward. I want this relationship to work so badly but I have become so resentful. I don’t feel I am a priority to my boyfriend. Any words of advice as I try to figure out what to do with a relationship with a guy I once thought was the “one”? Do we need time apart, do we need to just break up? Do I need to just relax, am I making a bigger deal out of things than I should? I have already moved out of my place and feel stuck.

Thanks guys!

 

[KaraBulut]

...I just don’t know how to move forward. I want this relationship to work...

Why?

Go back and read what you wrote above.

You've written a long story about what your boyfriend wants. What did you want? Why did what you wanted never seem to matter in this story? What are you getting out of this that makes this "the one"?

You met someone on the rebound who can't be alone. Maybe what he felt was real but it's also possible that you were the first person that he met that just went along for the ride.

... I don’t feel I am a priority to my boyfriend...

You're not... unless you want to reconsider what you said in your opening post.

Generally, it's never a good idea to diagnose someone over the internet but your post reminded me of an article I read recently:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...cess/201507/10-signs-you-re-dating-narcissist

Read the article and see if you think this might help explain some of what has happened.

We first met last year...

... Any words of advice as I try to figure out what to do with a relationship with a guy I once thought was the “one”? Do we need time apart, do we need to just break up? Do I need to just relax, am I making a bigger deal out of things than I should? I have already moved out of my place and feel stuck.

That little voice inside your head that is telling you that there's red flags? It's there to keep you out of these bad relationships and to tell you when it's time to get out.

What you need to decide is whether you wanted to be in a relationship. And specifically, did you want to be in a relationship with this guy?

Is this going to get better?

If this were a 5 year relationship and you were telling us that you both wanted a relationship and you both fell in love and that you both talked about it and made a decision together, then it might be worth considering relationship counseling to determine if the relationship is worth saving. But one year in, you need to think about whether you believe it's going to get better, whether it's worth saving and whether you're tough enough to deal with what will be an ugly break-up (hint: he's going to blame it all on you).

 

[sshears]

I don’t feel I am a priority to my boyfriend

What I believe to an accurate conclusion. The prior poster definitely gave some great advice! I hope you take heed.

 

[mcbrion]

"When I got sick, he didn’t seem very concerned. He wouldn’t even ask me about my doctor visits. He even makes sarcastic jokes about me being sick."

This - all by itself - isn't enough to make you see that he doesn't care for you the way you believed he did????
He's creating distance by being sarcastic (sarcasm is a way to keep people at bay and create distance)

Your instincts were better before you got involved. Now you're invested and you want to MAKE it work, even though it's clear his feelings for you lack any real depth. If you have to work at making a relationship work, especially one where everything happens in less than 2 months, you're going too fast.

Also, the "holding back because you've been hurt"? If you're bringing your past pain into a present relationship, you are not ready for a relationship. That pain should have been resolved BEFORE you jumped into something new.

Hit the brakes, kid.

 

[fredward]

It sounds like it's a relationship of convenience for him. You're there and provide some of what he wants, but doesn't seem to care much about what you want. If that level of caring from him isn't there by now, it's probably never going happen.

 

[swerve]

This - all by itself - isn't enough to make you see that he doesn't care for you the way you believed he did????
He's creating distance by being sarcastic (sarcasm is a way to keep people at bay and create distance)

I agree.

Of all the things that you listed in the OP -- the way he treated you in reference to the Lyme disease stands out IMO.

It is unacceptable.

Meaning that you shouldn't accept it.

I could overlook most of what he's done -- but not that.

Best of luck.

 

[ipexx]

Exercise some self respect and dump this guy. You can and will do much better.

 

[racer2438]

Life is to short to have drama in a relationship. There has been mistrust since the beginning. Don't beat a dead horse, It's time to move on and find the right person that respects you and them self as well as knowing what it takes to be in a real LTR......the writing in on the wall...time to move on..best of luck.

 

[rgnyc12]

Thank you all for all of the advice. It is advice I have certainly heard from the people in my life. I don’t know why it so hard for me to take. I think that is something I need to ask myself, why would I want to be with someone that treats me this way.

So an update…

Shortly after my first message, my boyfriend was making an effort to do things that I wanted to do like go to the Pines for the 4th. Thereafter, I had some downtime from work so I was off more than he was. He spent most of his time off fixing up his house. He took down several trees on his property, rented a bobcat and made a new driveway on his house. I helped out to the best of my ability. But none the less, it was every weekend we were outside doing work By the end of July, I noticed that he was distant again. All he did was think, and talk about his house. We also started not having sex anymore. I felt things were off again, or really they were never on. He told me he was just so distracted with the house and tired to have sex. I would attempt to have sex with him and he would either say he was too tired or had to go outside and do some kind of housework. Only when I would show my concern, would he then try to have sex with me. It felt forced from him and almost like I was guilting him into it. I felt horrible. He told me he did not want to let our relationship pass him by. He knows he needed to do better and he was going to show me.

The next weekend we went to one of his friend’s house that he knew since high school. When we got there the friend ripped into my boyfriend for ignoring his phone calls for months, and not making time for him. His friend was visibly hurt. I tried to defend my boyfriend and gave the excuse he always gave me, he is just really busy with his house. His friend confessed to me my boyfriend can never be satisfied with anything in his life and has always been flaky. It was in this moment that I knew it is not just me. My boyfriend has a pattern of behaviors that he displays to all of the people in his life. Unfortunately it did not make me feel any better.

It was also around that time that I noticed that a man he does business with was texting him frequently, often late at night. The man is gay and in his 50s. Now I don’t necessarily feel that my boyfriend would go out an cheat with this man. However, I learned and saw when my boyfriend opened up some of his messages that they were flirty in nature. My boyfriend admitted that the guy was a flirt, but that he would just ignore it. I said he should tell him to stop as I found it disrespectful to me. Same story, different guy.

Since moving out of my place, I was staying with my family. On the weekends I would obviously stay by my boyfriend. Although he told me to stay out full time and not worry about paying rent right now. However, he made note that when I was there when he was at work, the AC went off 8 times. My dog, who can bark went to the bathroom in the hallway and he was clearly very disgusted and bothered by it. Or the times he was sarcastically saying I wasn’t taking the garbage out. I decided moving in was not going to work so a few weeks ago I was told by my landlord I could move back into my place in September. I told him that I would. When I told my boyfriend, that I wasn’t going to move in after all because of how unwelcomed I felt, he got upset and ignored me. I told him stupidly that “I want and wanted to move in with him but it was best to have our space and basically see how we do, and that it would take the pressure off.” When met up the next day, he was clearly angry and said that “maybe it was best that I focused on me and he started focusing on himself.” I flipped out and said that the whole relationship was about him. I told him that I was leaving and would get my stuff at a later time. That I was hoping he was going to fight for me.” He ran after me and pleaded for me to not go. He said he was sorry and told me he loved me, that he was going to help me move back to my place and show me he wanted the relationship to work. Stupidly I did not leave.

A day later, he asked me when I was taking my plates (I gave them to him when I moved out of my place). He also started measuring and taping out the bedroom that my dresser and closet was going to go. He decided he was making it a guest room. Then, I heard from my landlord that unfortunately my place would not be available to move into until later in the fall. I told my boyfriend. I was so upset and felt I had no where to go. The next day unknowingly my boyfriend had ordered new plates and glasses and they arrived at the house. The next weekend, I arrived to his house and all the new plates were on the counter waiting to go into the cabinets. He told me I didn’t have to pack up my plates or glasses yet, he was just checking to see if they were broken. I took the boxes and packed up my plates. I was so upset because he knew I was no longer moving and felt he was being so dismissive and insensitive about it. He told me I was being “fucking ridiculous” and showed no empathy. I put the boxes in my car, and my bag. I told him that I was going to go even though we were heading to see his family the next day. He told me “good.” At the end of the weekend, he again apologized but that he envisioned a future with me if we were able to work through our problems.

Last weekend, I helped him finish painting his house. He did most of the work but I did help. I had a bachelor party to go to, he was invited but he did not want to go. I tried to have sex with him before I left but he said he had to finish painting. The next day I drove back, he was finished painting and said he was DONE with house projects for a long time. (I thought oh good maybe you will make an effort to focus on our relationship). We attempted to have sex that night, he said he couldn’t finish because he masturbated four times AFTER I left. Again I felt horrible and asked him why he would turn me down for sex. He says he doesn’t realize he is doing it.

This past week, I started back at work. He was no longer calling me before going to bed or calling me while driving home from work. I was only calling him. He said he was feeling “meh” and “deflated”. We met for dinner, he could barely look at me or talk to me. I told him he was acting like he wanted to break up. He told me “I don’t know”, then “no”. The next day I called him and he said he just doesn’t know where he sees us going or if he has the time or the ability to be the boyfriend I want him to be. Although I know he is right, I am so hurt he is not fighting for me or for us. I put so much effort into this relationship and always wanted him to put forth the same effort. But he never did. I feel he wants me to end it so he doesn’t feel so guilty, especially since I am now living with family and no longer have my own place. After he told me all of this, he told me he is just thinking. I explained that I am shocked that now that all of his projects are over at his house, that he is claiming he doesn’t have the time for us anymore. I told him to mail me my apple tv and that I would be out of his life. He has since ignored my messages and will not respond. His family is visiting him this weekend. But there is no closure, I guess he will ghost me and that will be the end?

I know this is long. I appreciate anyone that reads it. I feel even just typing it out is therapeutic for me. I am ashamed of myself for putting up with all of this. It is my fault it has gotten to this point. I don’t know how can love someone who treats me so poorly.

also @mcbrion, thank you for your response. I think you misread my earlier post. I am not holding back from a pervious relationship. I was holding back from this current relationship based on what I was seeing.

 

[KaraBulut]

So, to sum it up...

He's still needy and afraid of being alone but still puts himself before everyone else.

You're still hoping he's going to change.

I feel even just typing it out is therapeutic for me. I am ashamed of myself for putting up with all of this. It is my fault it has gotten to this point. I don’t know how can love someone who treats me so poorly.

There comes a point where you have to put yourself first and you have to break the pattern that ultimately ends in your disappointment. If you don't stop this, then someday when that person comes along who can be trusted to let you kick the football... well, you're going to find it really difficult to have any faith in yourself or to have any trust in another person.

 

[sixthson]

Just to get this out of the way: I never understood why people come here seeking advice, then never interact with us after the first post.

Anyway, RGNYC, what you have is a "boyfriend" who lies continually to you, he lives a rather secretive life when apart from you, he puts others before you, he is indifferent to your health or convenience, he has a history of non-monogamy and whether you realize it or not, he is controlling you, which is evidenced by his pushing you to move in with him. Once you live with someone, it's harder to untangle if it goes bad.
He has at least one ex, that you know of, and he jumps right into another with you. I wonder how many others there were just like you? After all, it's not like he would be honest enough to tell you.
In other words, you have seen the writing on the wall and it's not good. Let us know what's happening.

 

[rgnyc12]

Just to get this out of the way: I never understood why people come here seeking advice, then never interact with us after the first post.

@sixthson Perhaps because the person taking the advice isn't ready to accept the advice that is given no matter how true it may be.

So last update... my boyfriend and I touched based last week. He told me he figured we would just take time to figure out what is important to each other. I told him that I already knew what was important in my life and he either needed to stop wasting my time, if it was true he didn't have the time nor the energy for the relationship. He replied that he loves me and wants to make it work. He told me he has a lot of stuff going on with himself that he can't figure out why he has a hard time with relationships. He said he was going to go to therapy about it. We decided we would give each other the time to "think" and then speak at a later time.

Tonight I find out he is on Grindr only a few days later. He was asked online what he was looking for and he said he was "open to anything". When asked if he had a boyfriend, he said "no" and that he and his boyfriend were taking a break. (I was not under the impression that we were on a break)

I called him immediately and he ignored my calls. I got a screen shot of the conversation and sent it to him. I called again and he picked up. I told him he led me on and that we were over. By no means did I think we were going out to sleep with other people. He told me in our last convo that he loved me and wants to figure out how to make it work. The only thing now is I don't know is how long was he actually on Grindr hooking up with people. I have no idea how long he was cheating.

But regardless, I actually feel so much better at this point. He is a complete asshole who thinks of no one but himself (as you all said many times). Any feeling of sadness is now turned into anger and relief that I can finally let him go. I feel I can move on with a clear head. The sad part is I don't know how he looks at himself in the mirror. I told him for everything that I did for him, this is how he treats me. He must really be a sad person on the inside. Well I have my closure now...

 

[KaraBulut]

...But regardless, I actually feel so much better at this point. He is a complete asshole who thinks of no one but himself (as you all said many times). Any feeling of sadness is now turned into anger and relief that I can finally let him go. I feel I can move on with a clear head. The sad part is I don't know how he looks at himself in the mirror. I told him for everything that I did for him, this is how he treats me. He must really be a sad person on the inside. Well I have my closure now...

The guys here at JUB are older and have seen a lot, so the advice often proves to be dead on.

That doesn't make the end of a relationship easier but, based upon what was said in this thread, it was the most likely outcome.

I'm sorry it ended this way. But I'm also happy that you didn't waste more days, weeks, months or years with this very troubled guy.

 

[hotatlboi]

This example brings up a good general point.

If a guy says he doesn’t have time for sex or is too tired or always some other excuse, he’s likely getting his sexual needs met elsewhere.

 

[pein1234]

Glad to see it’s finally over with that selfish person. I just got out of an extremely toxic relationship where my love was taken for granted and my so called “boyfriend” shat all over it. You can read about it under a recent post called “heart broken”. We deserve to be loved the same way everyone does and we will not find that if we’re too busy being someone’s rebound. The Grindr experience will leave him empty and alone in the end and by the time he realizes your worth, it’d be too late (it already is).

 

[CarolinaFag]

Sadly when he looks in the mirror it is with no thought of you! ABSOLUTELY NONE! let alone how his behavior hurt you or how he broke your trust. I imagine he was the "star" in relationship, and stars attract admirers like you attract insecurity... HEAD-UP YOUNG PERSON

 

[CarolinaFag]

Girl, you got ghosted by a Lothario.... sometimes he is just not into you