Relationship Guidance Needed

[famguy91]

I am an 19 year old college student. I have always seen myself as bi, but I feel like I'm different than other bi guys. I have never been in a relationship with another guy and I've never wanted to be in one, (I've had sex with a few though). I have the typical closeted story of "all my friends and family would hate me if they knew." I pull the straight card off well and I've had my fair share of girlfriends. Literally no one on this planet knows that I'm bi (which is why I've turned to you guys).

Over a year ago I moved a decent distance away from my family and old friends. I planned on throwing the whole "gay" part of me out of the window. And socially I was doing fine, but on the inside I felt like I could finally be more comfortable with this part of me now that I didn't have to worry about my family finding out. It's been getting harder and harder to not be attracted to men, but I'm afraid to move to anything even semi-serious.

About 2 months ago I was hanging out with some friends and I met a new guy that I really connected with. Since then we have become great friends, and hang out all the time. He literally has become one of the best friends I've ever had in a short period of time. Well I heard through another friend that he was bi, and since then I can't help but be attracted to him sexually (and it really doesn't hurt that he's gorgeous).

I don't want to ask him flat out if he is bi because that's a pretty awkward question to ask a "straight" friend and I don't want to freak him out if he really is straight. I've tried to get an answer without asking directly like: "are you in a relationship?" and his response was "no, but I have a lot of *people* on my mind." Which is not really something you hear a straight guy say too often. Then we were talking about my past relationships and I never specifically said anything about girls. We kept using the word "people" instead of "girls." At one point he actually said "So, you flirt with a lot of girls? Well I don't specifically mean girls." At which I just blew off because I was afraid to where the conversation was headed.

I just can't picture someone straight saying these things. I am really attracted to him, we connect amazingly, and I'm really comfortable with him. The sad thing is that I know if he was a girl, we would be in a relationship. But, I just can't get past the fear I have of him being a guy. I am really afraid of falling in love with a guy and the consequences that would follow. I also do not want to harm the amazing friendship we have in anyway. I fear that by taking things more seriously there would be no chance of fixing our friendship if the romantic relationship failed. I am really afraid of losing one of my best friends but I am very curious to see what could happen. Then, there's still the basic fact that I don't even know if he really is bi, or just an understanding straight guy.


Help Me!!!


Thank you all very much

 

[bluepheonix]

hey famguy, I know it can seem a bit daunting being where you are now, but if you will permit me I'd like to point a few things out and ask you a few questions. To avoid beating around the bush I'm gonna use points and go through your post, hope you don't mind.

1. Q: Why do you feel like you different than other bi guys? I will also just point out quickly, perhaps anticipating an answer, being bi, or gay, or straight definitionally consists of one thing and one thing only, you a)are sexually attracted to men and women, b) are sexually attracted to men, or c) are sexually attracted to women respectively. Everything else one may traditionally put ontop of those terms is just baggage and cultural stereotypes. As such, I would perhaps venture, depending on your feelings, that you are not that different to most bi guys at all.

2. Point to clear things up - "Literally no one on this planet knows that I'm bi". According to yourself earlier, "I've had sex with a few [guys] though". Thus, at least a few do Please note, the sky did not fall in

3. Never try and throw a part of yourself out of the window, especially one thats perfectly fine. You may like to note in a literal sense, all the parts of you are connected to the rest of you, it is very hard to throw your leg out the window without the rest of you following, and then of course you just end up in a crappy mushed up pile on the ground below.

4. Take it from experience, the attraction to men isn't going to go away (hence the reason its been getting harder and harder), so stop trying to make it.

5. Regarding your friend, it sounds like there is promise there, if he's not bi himself (as your other friend seems to believe), he sounds like he would at least be accepting of a bi/gay friend, I would highly doubt from his discussions and the sensitivity he showed towards pronouns that he would react negatively, infact he seems to be indicating that hes open to discuss such things with you. So, whilst I doubt "all [your] friends and family would hate [you] if they knew" anyway (I know the uncertainty can be the most daunting aspect), in any case this guy seems HIGHLY unlikely to do so. PLUS he's "gorgeous", rumoured to be bi, and has a reluctance to tell you who he is interested in, what have you got to lose! If you need further guidance here, trying bringing the conversation about whether he's seeing anyone up again, it might just well flow in the same direction as last time, if not, steer it a bit yourself, and don't shy away if he asks you "you flirt with a lot of girls?" Just say 'not girls so much no', he'll get the picture, by the way "Well I don't specifically mean girls" HUGE FLASHING SIGN THAT HES OPEN TO TALK ABOUT IT. Then just ask him what about you, and bam, good chance of having an answer.

6. Don't be afraid of him being a guy, what is there to be afraid of? What consequences are you talking about? If you have a shot with a gorgeous, amazing guy who you are comfortable with, are you really going to let a bunch of uncertainty about what other people think get in your way? Again, I KNOW its easier said than done, but its just a plunge you have to take to find out, and alot of the time, admittedly not all, but a lot, you will come through, everyone will still love you, and you will finally be happy and not have to hide parts of yourself or throw them out of windows. There comes a time when the anxiety and stress and worry and unhappiness and the energy that it takes to hide who you are is just no longer worth it. Accept who you are, say it in a mirror to yourself (it actually does help), and then go out and tell the people you love.

7. Yes, you don't know whether he's bi or just and understanding straight guy, but you dont have to try jump into a relationship straight away. Consider that he seems interested and open to knowing about that part of you. The fact is if you never have the conversation, you are never going to know for sure. Have the conversation, let him know who you really are, and let it flow on from there, at worst you have a closer friend, at best a potential love interest

Best of luck!
Blue

 

[slnattak]

In order for us to get anywhere, I have to know if you really are bisexual or are you just saying that to cover up the pure gayness.

I have to ask because so many bisexual guys are actually really gay and are just saying they are bisexual because it's easier for them. The first step would be to figure out exactly how gay you are compared to how straight you are. Do you fantasize about women erotically? Do you need a man in porn to be aroused? Do lesbians turn you on? Can you get off on a solo vid of a woman being into herself after being re-sensitized to pornography?

This is confusing me.

 

[soiram]

I think whether he is really bi or gay is beside the point of this thread...If he identifies as bi, then that is what he is.

Back to the OP, I 100% agree with bluepheonix, the guy seems to give you a wide opening for you to talk about you being bi. I would take him up on his offer. And this exactly the point I want to make. Instead of focusing on asking him if he is bi, you should concentrate on letting him know that you are bi. Then the ball will be in his court (oh God, World Cup is affecting me...) and if he wants and feels like it, he will make the next move!

That's what I think at least. I was once in a similar situation, the guy was not a best friend but we did spend some time together because of a conference, and at some point he asked me about girls and stuff. I told him that I'm not interested in girls, to which he asked me if I were sure (lol), I reassured him that indeed I was and asked him about himself. To that he answered that he has a girlfriend...(enter disappointment here!). Anyway, after that discussion he was still cool and we did keep spending time together until the end of the conference.

So, the point of the story (hmmm...it seems there are lots of points in my post) is that nothing grave happened! Even if your friend is straight, all the signs show that he is understanding and he won't have a problem with you being bi. If and after it turns out that he also is bi (or gay), then you'll think how you can cross that bridge!

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, here we are.

"So, Bob. I have a question for you."
"Well, Tom, I have a question for you."
"OK, you ask first."
"No, you go first."
"Nah, you first..."
"No, you should ask first..."

That's where you are. One of you is going to have to answer the question honestly before this is going to go anywhere.

Take the risk. Answer the question.

Q. "Are you in a relationship?"
A. "Not now. I had some serious relationships with girls and with a couple of guys back in college but I haven't gotten serious with anyone here. Yet."

Q. "So, you flirt with a lot of girls?"
A. "I flirt with everyone." and then just grin.

Q. "What kind of person are you attracted to?"
A. "I guess I'm attracted to the same things whether it's a guy or a girl- [list attributes here]..."

These answers say, "I'm available. I'm open to all relationships whether a guy or a girl". And the second response says, "I'm flirting with you. Duh!".

 

[bankside]

I hafta mention something that deals with the issue of being ready for a relationship first.

Maybe I'm wrong, but if your old friends would hate you for being gay or bi, then they'd probably hate me for it, and the rest of the guys here too.

Then, a year ago, you ditched those people. But instead of finding your freedom and finding a better class of people to be friends with, it sounds like you went looking for the same situation where you could forget your past, bury your true feelings even deeper in the closet, and above all make sure that none of your new friends even suspected.

Until this guy screws up your plan by being kind, hot, amazing, and potentially bi, you were pretty happy to wait it out in the closet. All those gay-hating friends makes me wonder what you would have let them get away with if they came across a guy like me and decided to have a problem with me while a guy like you sits in the closet and says nothing, and that kind of pisses me off a little.

Anyway, I'm not posting (just) to rag on you for this. I also want to point out how much being in the closet is just shooting yourself in the foot. There is nobody around to tell this hot amazing guy "Hey, guess what, famguy91 is bi, and you should have seen the way I saw him look at you the other day when we were all down at the pub. I'm 100% sure he's into you. You should ask him out."

If you were out, your mutual friends would be helping you out like this. Yeah, it is kind of awkward to ask a guy if he is bi or gay. But it is not awkward to let people know you're bi, or at least let them figure it out if you don't want to announce it. And it is not awkward if your friends help you out a bit. If you knew a great hot woman, you'd introduce your straight friends to her, wouldn't you?

It is normal for your friends to know this kind of basic info about you. I have dozens of straight friends, men and women, and I know they're straight, and they know I'm gay. Any one of them could introduce me to this hot amazing guy and then we could just take it from there without anything being weird.

What wold you do when you're all out with the same crowd having a good time at a restaurant, and you realise the guy he's sitting next to is now his boyfriend, and nobody else cares?

PLEASE give yourself freedom in your own life. Come out to some of your better friends. Or don't even come out, just let it be known and don't lie or change the subject to avoid it, or steer the conversation away from you when your other friends are talking about what they like or who they're attracted to. That's all you have to do.

You don't have to make it specifically about him, in fact I recommend you don't make it about him when you talk to your friends. It is just something that is part of your life whether you had met him or not. If you can do that, you'll be ready to handle anything that could happen between you.

This guy is worth spending more time with on your own btw, even though I think you need to come out a bit before you're ready to have any kind of relationship. I think he figures you're flirting with him.

I don't think you have to ask him. If a girl was flirting with you, you wouldn't ever ask her "Listen I don't want this to be weird or anything, but before we take this any further are you actually straight?" First of all you would probably just assume it, but more important, that would just kill the mood.

So with this guy, let him flirt with you. Let him be into you. Enjoy it. Let him enjoy it. And if he flirts, flirt back. Just because it is coming from a guy doesn't change the rules. If he wants to make a joke of it, tell him not to start what he can't finish and then just grin as you look into his eyes.

Anyway, I hope it works out for you with this guy. It sounds like you could enjoy being with him. Give yourself the freedom to find out.

 

[slnattak]

I think whether he is really bi or gay is beside the point of this thread...If he identifies as bi, then that is what he is.

Oh come on. It's the entire point. I can identify as a woman or the next messiah but that doesn't make it true. Well it doesn't make it NOT true, identity is weird like that. It's like trying to prove God.

Anyways it's the whole 'who you think you are' and 'who you really are' contrast. If he's not actually attracted to women and is calling himself 'bisexual' don't you think that's dishonest and dumb? (and I don't know that's why I ask him) It's not bisexuals fault that this happens, it's gay men who use the inaccurate 'bisexual' label when they're really gay.

 

[famguy91]

First off, thank you for all the comments. They've really got me thinking! Secondly, yes I am bi and I really am bi. I am very attracted to women, I've been in plenty of relationships with women, and I love straight porn (lesbians, solo, etc...). That's why I feel being in the closet really isn't a big deal to me. The thing is I am much more of a relationship guy than a one night stand guy. I have no interest in getting with anyone if I'm not in a monogamous relationship with them first. However, I've only had annon sex with guys (which is what I meant when I said no one knows I'm bi, because I have no clue who these guys are and I never saw them again). And in all honesty, I don't care for having sex with another man. Yes, it turns me on, but it's just not enjoyable to me. On the other hand I love having sex with girls. I don't know why this...

This is why I thought it would be easy for me to give up the gay side of me. And yes it's true, he did ruin my plans . I don't want to lead him on just to disappoint him later on down the road, and I'm afraid I might. It is just a scary situation to me right now, since I have never dealt with any of this before and I never thought I would have to. And Bankside you're correct. I thought by surrounding myself with your typical straight guys that I would never come to this point. Although I would like to point out that whenever we would get on the topic of homosexuality, I would ALWAYS say "that everyone has a right to fall in love with whoever they want because love is blind and people cannot change who they truly are." Which was usually followed by arguments of homosexuality being weird or inconceivable . However, I do like my friends and I don't want to lose them...

As far as my family is concerned, I have the very typical story of the religious family. My parents have told me plenty of times that they don't care what the race of the girl I bring home is, as long as it's a girl...

And in terms of finding out that this guy (Lets call him "Joe") was bi... Well I found out from a girl that was trying to get with Joe when I originally met him. She was flirting with him, gave him her number, the whole nine yards. Which he seemed to like. However, Joe spent the whole day with his guy friend (He'll be called Clark). She kept jokingly asking the two if they were in a relationship, which they would just give her a smart ass reply about. A few days later the girl called me and told me that she was so angry because Joe was bi! She said that Clark explained to her that the two really were together. I took this with a grain of salt.

I do believe that we have a pretty flirtatious relationship as it is now, but I can't tell if it's in a joking manner or not. For example, one time he tried on sunglasses and asked me if he looked good or not. I responded by saying "ya, they look good." He then said "Well I know they look good, but I asked you if I look good in them?" (with a cute smile). I just can decipher if this is serious or not. I have plenty of straight friends that I jokingly flirt with too.

Really, it's taken me a lot of courage to even come on here to a group of people i will probably never meet in my life to explain my situation. I really don't know how I could say anything to him.

 

[KaraBulut]

I am bi and I really am bi. I am very attracted to women, I've been in plenty of relationships with women, and I love straight porn (lesbians, solo, etc...). That's why I feel being in the closet really isn't a big deal to me. The thing is I am much more of a relationship guy than a one night stand guy. I have no interest in getting with anyone if I'm not in a monogamous relationship with them first.

This sounds very much like what you need to be telling your friend.

Now, go do it.

 

[soiram]

I think you are fusing together two, rather separate, things. The first one is whether this guy likes you in "that way" and want something more from you than just being friends. The second point is you being open to him (and your other close friends) about being bisexual. Although the one does affect the other, it might help to deliberitaly put them in separate boxes and deal with them one at a time.

I do believe, from what you describe, that even if this guy is not into you sexually, he would have no problem with you being bi, or he would have never asked you if he looked good in the glasses. I think this is the first step to take. If he knows you're bi, then he'll either cut out the joke flirting or, if he continues, then this would lead you to your first point, that is whether he wants something more from you...


On a more abstract note, I think that these labels are rather old-fashioned and are only useful for a handful of situations. I believe (or I would like to believe) that someone falls in love with a person, rather than a person's gender. It might be that in general you don't like sex between men (although if that's the case, you wouldn't have had anonymous sex with guys) but with this specific guy you would like it. You shouldn't constrain and confine yourself in categories. Do what feels good and natural to you! That is the bottom line.

 

[slnattak]

Yeah I think this is simply you have a crush on him as a person. It happens. Love doesn't know gender, really. Just sex does maybe but not love.

And well as for how this affection is consumerated if you're not into fucking guys I don't know , how that can be 'satisfied' or how a guy would have to behave around you in order for you to be satisfied with it, or if it always will drive you insane... you seem more heterosexual than bi if you're not into fucking men. I just think you met a rare exception that you crush on. That probably happens to 95% of men.

 

[famguy91]

Honestly. I completely agree with falling in love with a person regardless of what gender they are. I just don't know if that is something that *I* can do... I would honestly say that I like guys and girls the same attraction wise. I think the reason that I don't like having sex with men is that I've never had meaningful sex with another guy. Which is something I am really willing to try.

I just hope that I won't let my fear of what everyone else thinks of me get in the way. I need to realize that I don't have to worry about that for now, and I can worry about if when the time comes (if it comes). So at this point in time I'm going to just see where things go, not worry about titles, and have fun!

Thanks for your help everyone!

 

[bankside]

I think falling in love might be based on different things if it is guy-guy vs. guy-girl, but I wouldn't rule it out.

Or maybe not "based on different things" but kind of shifted to slightly different ground if that makes any sense.

 

[famguy91]

I have a bit of a disappointing update I'm afraid. It seems my friend has decided to remove me from his life... I never did mention anything about my sexuality to him, we just had lunch one day and everything was fine. At the end of our lunch he told me to text him in a few days to confirm some plans we had later in the week. The next day I texted him and received no response. A few days later I sent him another message asking how he was doing. He would just send back one word responses. I asked him if everything was ok and he said "ya," then I asked him if he had received my text from the other day and he never texted me back...

This is so upsetting to me because I really got along with this guy and I don't know what happened. I've decided to give him some space for a few days and then ask him what happened and what I need to do to mend our relationship. Does anyone have any advice?

I really don't have too many friends out here (as I mentioned above I moved here from very far away not too long ago), I really do like this guy and I want to maintain a relationship no matter what kind of relationship it is, and everything was great... what happened?

Should I follow through with my plan of waiting it out and then trying to mend things? I am really big on closure so I'll contact him one way or another. I just really really hope things work out.

 

[rareboy]

Why don't you just be honest with him.

You've got nothing to lose and sharing this with him would demonstrate that you value his friendship highly enough to share something of this value with him.

Otherwise, he probably looked upon you as a non-starter.