Relationship Help.. So confused..

[Rolyo85]

Your coming out shouldn't have anything to do with other people. It should only be about what you want. If your ex doesn't wanna be out, then he will live his life in misery. You don't want that, and you don't want to be with someone like that.

Coming out is never about other people. It's always about you, and you alone. And you shouldn't wait to be happy to come out, because you will never be completely happy until you actually do. Being happy is not a means, it's the goal.

 

[sharkattack2222]

Hmm ok so for all those that want an update...

So late october, I met a guy. We started going out on dates often and became official less than a month after we met. We have been official for almost 2 months now.

Everything is going fine until I make the stupid decision to message my ex "happy birthday" on Facebook last month. He responded "thank youuu!". I said "no problemo". Than he sent "" and I decided not to respond. I accepted his friend request and things went back to normal. A month later (few days before christmas) he messages me out of nowhere and says "hey" and stupid me responds because I'm curious as to what he wants. The conversation doesn't really go anywhere because he ends up not responding but he was just updating me on some things. 2 days later on the morning of Christmas eve I get a response from before and he also asks if I miss him. I waited till after work to respond and I decided to beat around the bush instead of tell him what he wants to hear. We were messaging eachother back and forth all night and ended up having a 2.5 hour phone convo. He told me he contacted me on Christmas cause he wante to be happy? And that he still loves me and he hasn't been able to feel with his girlfriend what he felt for me (he still thinks he's bi :-/ ) and he wanted to come see me and all this stuff. I didn't give in cause I have a boyfriend and "I wasn't gonna let you do to your girlfriend what you did to me" and he cried on the phone and everything. And if he had a support system and his parents weren't so homophobic he would be with me in a heartbeat. He's already cheated on his gf with his guy friend (HJ) once and said they were drunk and all the curiousness came out and he wanted it to be me, but he knew if he talked to me again he'd want to be with me (that's why he would never respond to me and was ignoring me when I came home from vacation in the summer, because as soon as he saw me or talked to me all of the feelings he was trying to hide would come back). He texted me all Christmas morning as well and he sounded pretty upset about his life .

Now it's back to him not responding to me (wanted to make sure everything was ok). So idk if he was serious or not and if that's how he really feels. Or if he just went back to trying to hide his feelings from me and trying to make others happy instead of him being happy.

Tl; dr -- ex boyfriend confesses love for me and wants to be with me but is still young and worried about how family and friends will react to his sexuality in the long run. Now back to not communicating with aweek after these confessions. Not sure if he was just trying to joke around and be a dick. Or if he really does want to be with me but still scared of the repercussions.

EDIT: Oh and the reason why we ended up crying to eachother on the phone was because he took the cards that I had given him last year (birthday,Christmas and valentines day) and read them to me (including the stuff I wrote on my own) . And he kept rereading the part where I said "if you are rereading this after you break my heart, I hope you realize how much you miss me and try to get back together again". I know I sound lame for wanting to know his true intentions, but I want to make sure he's ok and happy. I mean it'd suck to find out he broke up with me and isn't happy now.

 

[MrRochesterNY]

Even though the consensus of all the advice from JUBbers who are looking at your situation from enough distance to be objective about it is that you should make a clean break with your ex, you let youself get roped back into the same old emotional circus that you indicated you were going to stop performing in.

I notice in all your writing that you keep trying to repair/explain/improve your presentation by an excessive amount of parenthesization. Perhaps the same difficulty in presenting your case clearly and plainly to your ex is the reason why you can't seem to make a clean break with him.

 

[TX-Beau]

Important question is... what are you willing to put up with?

Wash, rinse, repeat as needed.

The guy is 18 - what's the line from the Almodovar movie?

"...if you play with babies, you end up changing diapers..."

Oh the facebook drama. Who gives a damn about facebook, if he won't, he won't, and you'll look the fool for the pining.

Someone said he's not being immature, he's just 18, well, surprise, most 18 year olds are immature. They generally have little experience, little consistency and little knowledge of what they want. It's the nature of the beast.

Soooo, what to do? Use your facebook to be digital buddies and walk away from the rest. Who knows, five years down the line he might have figured a few things out. Then again, maybe not, there are men who are 18 well into thier 30's.

YOUR life, YOUR choice, YOUR consequences.

 

[sharkattack2222]

Well obviously I still have feelings for him, so when he contacts me out of nowhere and confesses his love for me. It's kinda hard not to get involved again.
Yes, I could have chosen not to respond, but if he really meant the things he was telling me, I'm sure he would have found another way to contact me.

And I was updating everyone on my situation because there was more to add to what was going on, its not like I was reopening the thread to hear people tell me the same thing theyve already told me.

 

[TX-Beau]

And yet here we are with you doing the same things, him doing the same things, us saying the same things - six months down the road.

If you aren't going to break the cycle your problem is you, not him. No matter what he says he's not in control of you, if you want the drama to continue so be it, but if that's the case you're going to have to own it because it's what you're choosing to pursue.

If walking away isn't easy, well, welcome to being an adult.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's kinda hard not to get involved again.

Kinda hard... except for the one fact in your update that got swept away by your ex's emotional manipulation and your inability to say, "That's lovely but I have a boyfriend":

So late october, I met a guy. We started going out on dates often and became official less than a month after we met. We have been official for almost 2 months now.

 

[sharkattack2222]

When I said kinda hard not to get involved with him again I meant it as it was kinda hard to not respond to him. If I did get "involved" with him again, than I probably wouldnt be here asking for opinions on whether or not my ex was being serious about how he was feeling or if he was just trying to fuck with my head. And that would be because I would have found these things out as soon as he had his way with me.

I didn't give in to seeing him or cuddling with him or any of that because I do have a boyfriend who I care about. What would be the point in doing that to my current boyfriend, when my ex did something similar to me and would be doing the same thing to his girlfriend. Thats exactally what I told him.

The last few things he said to me consisted of him wanting me to make plans to see him when I got back from visiting my family for the holidays. I told him "trust me, you'll lose all interest in seeing me by the time the week is over and you will be glad you didn't and regret ever contacting me."
He said "stop saying that. im serious i wanna make it up to you i fucked you over and i hate that. youre the only one who really cares thats why you were and still are my only comfort. i love you so much but ill leave you alone ill atleast let you remain happy. its the most awful feeling when the last person who cares about you dosent/ cant have anything with you anymore. im jusst gonna go to my friends and forget about everything ill call or text you later if u want."

And I havnt heard from him since. Idk why it's bothering me so much, I just want to know if he really still has feelings for me and realizes that he made a mistake, or if he was just trying to get inside my head.

 

[KaraBulut]

The last few things he said to me consisted of him wanting me to make plans to see him when I got back from visiting my family for the holidays. I told him "trust me, you'll lose all interest in seeing me by the time the week is over and you will be glad you didn't and regret ever contacting me."

See- that's the thing.... the sentence in bold is not "No" nor "Hell, no" nor "Never" nor "Never but I hope you have a nice life".

And I havnt heard from him since. Idk why it's bothering me so much, I just want to know if he really still has feelings for me and realizes that he made a mistake, or if he was just trying to get inside my head.

And then what?

Subconsciously, you're still leaving the door open thinking that you need some sort of resolution and that will end this.

There are situations in life in which you shut a door and then move on. This is one of those situations- a confused young boy who wants to leave you on emotional hold while he pretends to everyone else that he's a straight guy with a boyfriend.

As long as you're ambiguous and you keep going back to that open door, you're not going to be able to commit to a new relationship. It's not fair to you and it's certain not fair to your new boyfriend.