Relationship Issue

[chrisdobro]

So, I am of college-age. My partner is 2x my age. I've been in the relationship with him for 8 years.

* I am bored, I am tired, I want out and I want something different.
* I want to have sex with guys my age or younger
* I still want the stability of a relationship
* I am kinky, he is not.
* sex is plain and generally not very exciting.

What I want:
In my dreams I imagine young hot guys sucking me off and doing various outrageous sexual things to me and me to them. Then I wake up to reality of having same old sex with same old partner.

I'd like something of my own I guess. I want to be a kid again. I want to be carefree and play with my friends. I also want the sex too! On the other hand, is that what I want ? Maybe just having a good friend will help me through the bad times.

In my fantasy world it will be nice to have a friend, or someone who is a friend and a fuck buddy at the same time, or perhaps someone who is a friend, a fuck buddy and a partner. Thus perhaps I want a new partner. Someone I will find sexually attractive.

At the same time I don't want to certain lose things my current partner provides me with, like the stabilities. Perhaps that's why I'm still with him, even though the relationship is getting strained.


What I have:
I have stability of the relationship. I have financial stability. We have our own business, I help him out, though he still does most of the work. I get to travel pretty much anywhere I want with him. He keeps saying most people would love to be in my place. Perhaps. Perhaps it's time for me to step down and let other people have a chance. After 8 years I want to do something different. See "What I want" section.

About sex being plain. He can't jack me off as his "hand endurance" is lacking. He rarely jacks himself off, and he used to use a vibrator to get off, thus not exercising his hand. I don't find him as sexually attractive as I find my peers. He doesn't let me engage in kinky things and when he does it's a big favor and he lets me know how badly he dislikes the kinks usually as it happens. That is not a turn on to me. In general, he does not get me off well. He got better at sucking, but I generally do better when he starts and then I jack myself off. That way it feels better to me -- no misses or sudden stops when I'm cumming or right about to cum.


Open Relationship:
We tried an open relationship for 2 months. It was a nice change. I got to play with guys my age. Some experiences were weird, some nice, and some very exciting. I got to try out some kinks, which was nice. I did not get to try them all due to precautions of staying safe. At the end of 2 months I got tired of the scene and was glad the period was over. Now after 2 more months I am back to my young guy fantasies again. My partner is against open relationships. This one was a trial period I finally got him to try after years of my dissatisfaction.


There may be things I left out just as I can't mention everything. But so far I feel I have given an alright description.


Some specific questions I have:
* A safe bet will be to have the relationship and to play. Thus have both things, which is not exactly possible as my partner doesn't want to go for this. What do I do ?
* Ultimately I want a new partner who is my age whom I find exciting. And hoping that it will work out in the long run. I'm scared to take that step as there are no guarantees that I will get it. I may end up in limbo without a partner for a long time. I will get to play with the boys though. How long will I "get stuck" doing that ?
* If I do leave this relationship, what will I face ? I'm not really sure what to do and if I will be able to get what I want by leaving.

 

[MindBlast]

You can't expect a magical new relationship.

If you leave this one, you will be effectively single. That means you might not even get a date, much less sex, for an arbitrarily long period of time. It could be weeks, months, or even a year or more before you find someone else who interests you.


Anyway, my point is get out because you want to LEAVE, not because you want to go somewhere else!

 

[luminum]

Sex is an important part of a relationship. You have needs that your current partner isn't fulfilling, or if he does, he burdens you about it.

My advice in that case is to leave.

After all you said, you never said that you wanted to stay because you loved him, or you liked him as a person, or he's very sweet, etc. etc. You only said that he gives you stability and opportunity.

If that's all that's keeping you there, then it's best for both of you to split up. That way, he can find someone who loves him and actually wants to be with him and you can find someone who loves you and is also willing to indulge in the kinky interests you have.

Also, I agree with the above statement that if you're looking for a new relationship and sex right out of your old one, you should think again. You will be single, and forming a sex buddy relationship may take time and forming a legitimate romantic relationship even more time. You may be going a while before you get to indulge in these passing sexual fantasies.

 

[mnaoitb]

the "hand endurance" thing says it all..no offense

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Dude:

Everything in life tends to have a price tag attached to it. You have got a partner, who is twice your age and is not living up to your expectations, when it comes to sex. He provides you with financial and possibly emotional stability.

You want to go somewhere else, and frankly, you want to mess around with other dudes, more precisely, your peers. He is not going to allow that.

Pack up, hug him good-bye and move on. Or stay and endure. You call the shots here. No regrets later on. Freedom in life is about making choices. So, you choose now.

I'll disagree with most posters here in one point: It is neither difficult nor does it take a very long time to find couple of buddies to mess around with, if you are a half-wayfit college age dude. Finding a serious LTR is a totally different issue. But, I guess, you just want to play the field with few buddies for a while and see where this takes you to.

If he thinks that there are many dudes, willing to fill in for you, let him test his theory. He might be right. Let that be his problem.

As we all know, it really boils down to your willingness to give up on many benefits you have been enjoying for the sake of your own freedom. So, it is either the comfort of the decaying relationship or the challenge of an unsecured future, in which you really call the shots.

If it were me, I'd be gone a long time ago. Whom I fuck with is only for me to decide.

SC

 

[NickCole]

Some specific questions I have:
* A safe bet will be to have the relationship and to play. Thus have both things, which is not exactly possible as my partner doesn't want to go for this. What do I do ?

You stay and continue as you have or you leave and gamble that it will be better or worse.

This is a question you must answer for yourself by searching inside. Do not delegate the decision about your life's direction.

* Ultimately I want a new partner who is my age whom I find exciting. And hoping that it will work out in the long run.

Wanting a new partner whom we find exciting is not all that unusual after a number of years together, especially if we entered a LTR in our youth. That moment comes. How that plays out has a lot to do with the nature of the relationship we've built with our partner, the depth of our commitment and how much effort we're willing to continue to invest.

But you have a specific problem. You want someone who is half the age of your partner, someone your age. Even if your current partner gave you everything you want sexually, you'd still want someone who isn't him -- no matter what he does he can't be your age. That's something you should give serious consideration to because he's going to get older, not younger.

I'm scared to take that step as there are no guarantees that I will get it. I may end up in limbo without a partner for a long time. I will get to play with the boys though. How long will I "get stuck" doing that ?

Nobody can answer that. But this is certain: whether you stay or you leave, you will bring yourself to your relationships. Whatever is wrong with your current relationship is partly your doing. If you walk away from your partner, don't fool yourself into thinking you'll leave all that behind -- it comes with you.

Sexual gratification is important; how that's achieved and the level of importance is different for each of us. You need to figure out how important it is for you. As an objective observation, though, I thought it interesting that after the 2 month trial period ended it was you who was eager to return to the relationship. That's something to consider carefully, but also within context -- in other words WHY were you eager to return to a monogamous relationship with this man?

* If I do leave this relationship, what will I face ? I'm not really sure what to do and if I will be able to get what I want by leaving.

You will face yourself.

And boy oh boy is THAT ever a kick in the tender parts!

You will probably not get what you describe wanting, it is a fantasy that's built up over time. It will probably not happen the way you hope and whatever happens will probably not fulfill you the way you want right now. What you want right now has as much to do with frustrations in your current relationship as with your real desires and needs. It's all mixed in together.

But that doesn't necessarily mean you should stay.

What you need to do is decide what's most important to you -- financial and emotional stability or seeking adventure. What kind of man are you? Which do you think, 30 years from now, you'll regret and which do you think --even if it turns out in a way that's disappointing-- you'll recall with satisfaction?

I had to make that decision (though my circumstances were different). And I can tell you some of it has been spectacular and some of it painful -- but today I look in the mirror and I'm comfortable with the 50 year old who's there because I did it my way, the way that was right for me. If you look honestly into yourself, you know in your heart what's right for you. Do that.

 

[Orlandude]

There is much, much more to a relationship than just sex. While the sex is important, it's not everything. I think you need to decide if you want a relationship or you're better off being single for awhile. At no time did you state that you love, or even like, this guy. You had to know, going into this relationship with him, what it was going to be like and that he was twice your age, which has its own set of unique challenges. In essence, you traded away sexual fullfillment in exchange for financial and emotional security. Not very wise. That is almost like going back home to live under the roof of your parents, with no sex at all. Sounds to me like you want it all on your terms and that's not a relationship.

My suggestion is that you leave this relationship. It's not good for you or your partner and not fair to either. The operative word in your whole story is "sex". Fine. Go out and be single for awhile, have all the sex you want and make new goals to find your OWN financial and emotional security and be independent for a change. It will make you a better person and allow you the opportunity to find someone better suited for a relationship with you. Next time, don't jump into a relationship if it means compromising your own happiness, sexual or otherwise. That's the wrong reason for getting involved with someone. Consider this relationship a lesson...be your own person, move on and don't look back. Staying in this situation is not going to make it any better. You will become increasingly more frustrated and so will he. The end result will not be pretty. If you truly feel the way you do, the relationship ended a long time ago.

 

[rareboy]

Wow, so we want our cake and eat it too.

I think that you have to be honest with your partner and yourself.

Do you love him? If so, make sure this is very clear when you tell him you're leaving.

Many years ago, I did the same thing and my ex and I are still best friends and involved in various business related partnerships together.

You have to be prepared to sacrifice stability and financial security and become your own person.

I found passion and my life long partner after breaking out on my own and so might you.

Good luck.

 

[S60Turbo]

Own up and leave, before you hurt someone you love.
Staying would be unfair to both and cowardly (sp)

 

[FabFairy]

The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the street you know. You have been in a relationship for 8 years and you enjoy it or you wouldn't have stayed that long. 8 years is a long time that can't be written off so easy. It sounds like you feel like your missing out on something because your with an older guy and believe me you ain't. There are many great guys out there but finding one that will suit your needs can be the hard part.

I also get the feeling that you would prefer to remain in the relationship but your not happy with the sex. So you need to discuss this with your partner and see where it will leads tho as you have already tried an opened relationship and got tired of it I doubt that would be an answer either.

If your bored and tired then it is because you have both allowed it to happen, so now you should work together to improve it and be prepared to compromise so both of you are satisfied. You say you want out but out of what? You like the relationship but not the sex and want something different. That is the area you need to work on.

Perhaps what you need is a Fuck Buddy as opened relationship don't seem to be the answer. It is not that unusual and most relationship at some point suffer from boring sex. The question of how you both handle a move like this will determine the life of the relationship. If you both handle it well it will survive but this is a solution for everyone.

Sex is Sex it can be fun or it can be boring you both need to think of ways to improve it constantly neither one can just sit back and expect it to work every time. It is time to both have a heart to heart about where you want the relationship to go.

 

[Ohiospeedo]

Just curious...you say you are of college age now...how old were you when you started dating him.

 

[chrisdobro]

thank you all.

I was 18 when I started dating him.

I realize now that if I leave, I'll be single and will have to fend on my own for finances and stability.
I will get sexual gratification fairly quickly, but finding a life partner will probably take a while. I may not need one for a while though.
Matching fantasies to reality is tough. Sexual gratification will probably not match my fantasies exactly, unless I start attending orgies or allowing unsafe contact, living a fast life and burning the candle from both ends. I don't think I'll do that, but I will have control over whom I get -- in my case guys closer to my age. Thus I'll probably get most of the things I wanted with corrections to reality.

Being with guys my age and finding a partner who's my age can present its own challenges. I haven't actively dealt with people my age for a while. It's interesting and exciting in fantasies, though in real life it may amount to lots of drama. My social skills and confidence need a great boost. I'm a passively-shy person in nature and this will not help me much if I decide to leave.

after the 2 month trial period ended it was you who was eager to return to the relationship.

I was eager to stop searching. I wanted to relax. Looking for people was getting to me. I wouldn't say that I wanted to go back to the relationship. More like I wanted to fall back on tried and true. Our sex still sucked.

One scary thought in my current relationship is 20-30 years later .... ech possibly a stale relationship and my youth is gone... I am still young and not getting any younger. I want to spend my youth productively. While I am still young I want to play the field and do a few other things. Try myself out. I keep having recurrent thoughts of playing the field. It'd be nice to get the field over with, but I never had the chance to really fully play it. I got a taste during the 2 month trial, and that was not enough time. It was also rushed and now I wouldn't believe the people I've had experiences with just to have them, as the time to have them was short.

I've been sitting on the fence about to leave or not to leave. My youth going and stale relationship is what pushing me towards making the decision to leave or not. I've been scared to leave. Staying doesn't satisfy me, but perhaps desire for stability and me being scared to be left without it is what's keeping me in the relationship.

Another question is is it possible to fix the relationships ? Or is it beyond fixing. I would like to work on fixing it but so many things are getting in the way. i.e. I am tired of it and don't want to work on the business partnership we have anymore. I feel that the business was his idea and that he is like my boss getting me to work for him and I don't want to. He is overworked himself and that is not helping our relationship either. We keep bickering over things like who should do what and why am I not doing it. Part of this is me, yes. My counselor said that by leaving the relationship I will escape the backlog of accumulated things, but it will have the tendency to build back up.

My mom says to pretend I am by myself... and start getting on my own feet and getting some spunk. Like finding my own job as a first step, while staying in the relationship. Maybe. Though while I am in the relationship, there is no incentive to find a job as technically I have one, but maybe this could be my first step towards being independent and maybe seeing things from a different point of view.

I had some dreams, like I wanted to live on my own for a while. I never had a chance to, and people say it's not as adventure-romantic as I make it out to be in my fantasies. I also wanted to live in dorms on campus to experience that atmosphere, but never had a chance to as my school has no dorms. So I'm missing out on a lot of experiences that guys my age have. These experiences may be nice or maybe not so nice, but I am missing out on them.

So I'm trying to relive something that I never had a chance to, and I am late. I long for experiences in playing the field when I'm out almost out of it and I long for experiences in college/dorms when I'm almost out of it. My partner says to not live in the past and to live now. Like playing the field part is getting late for me, but I still have a chance to do it and I want to do it. That's why I'm waking up now. I don't want to have regrets later on. But I'm having some already.

The college/dorm part for me is me missing company of guys/girls my age. Mostly guys as this idea is probably connected to and mixed up with friendship and playing the field. I haven't found something similar to that kind of atmosphere after college. Maybe it's not needed as people get over that stage after college, or maybe it's just an unfortunate oversight of the society. Either way I feel I'd like to have it.

Mixing friendship and sexual relations is a recurring theme for me. I've had sex with pretty much every good friend I've had and haven't had a chance to separate the two cleanly. If they need to be separated that is. This is going back to friend/fuck buddy thought.

With the relationship the bottom line is that I am dissatisfied with it and I am scared to act and I'm not sure what the action is to be. I don't seem to have the necessary spunk to leave. I feel like I am still a kid in many ways. I also feel like I'm kept or jailed in a way. My self esteem and confidence are on the low end.

Leaving may seem stupid. I have a lot of things here. When I leave I'll lose them. In time I will probably figure out how to stand on my own feet, but before I do I'll probably have a period of time where I will go through tough times and maybe even crash. I'm used to a certain life style and it will not be there when I leave. Thinking about it is scary. It'd be easier if I had someone helping me through this.

Damn I feel like I've missed out on things. Some things have messed me up. Things like moving to another country during my highschool years, adjusting to the culture, language and other stuff instead of playing with the boys more. Things like not going to a college with dorms. Things like the relationship where a lot of things were taken care for me and I did not have a need to become independent. And things I didn't get to experience due to restrictions of the relationship. Sometimes I half-jokingly say that I am pissed at him for taking me, my youth and for using me. Though half-jokingly, there is truth in that.

Part of it is me though -- my personality and my way of dealing with things, so I can't blame my missing out onto external things completely.

And I can't be using these things for an excuse anymore. It's time for me to take responsibility for myself. I've already missed out on a few things and if I keep sitting here on a fence post I will keep missing out. I need to decide whether to catch up or to start anew. Even more I need to decide how to move on. Move on out of staleness of the relationship onto something new.

Sounds great on paper, but very very tough in practice. I need to face myself. And it is tough.

 

[FabFairy]

Damn I feel like I've missed out on things. Some things have messed me up. Things like moving to another country during my highschool years, adjusting to the culture, language and other stuff instead of playing with the boys more. Things like not going to a college with dorms. Things like the relationship where a lot of things were taken care for me and I did not have a need to become independent. And things I didn't get to experience due to restrictions of the relationship. Sometimes I half-jokingly say that I am pissed at him for taking me, my youth and for using me. Though half-jokingly, there is truth in that.

Part of it is me though -- my personality and my way of dealing with things, so I can't blame my missing out onto external things completely.

Why are you blaming everyone else you didn't miss out on anything you weren't willing to give up You chose the relationship and you stayed in it for your own reasons and unless you were tied to the bed 24/7 you could leave anytime. You had the power to change anything you didn't like so don't blame others. It is not unusual for any of us to say "Gee, wish I done ----" but next time something comes up you think twice before accepting or rejecting it.

 

[pausanias_usa]

This is why I prefer partners my own age. The problem is that AT THE MOMENT you are both out of synch; he's happily settled down, and you never got to sow your wild oats, so you are of course unhappy.

My suggestion is yes, try a "trial separation" in which you tell him it's not working but you still have feelings for him. If he's patient, he'll let you go and remain friends, hoping you'll sow your oats and then return.

That might happen, you know. In a few years you'll be ready to settle down, and your former life might seem good in retrospect. Just maintain the friendship, whatever happens. Good luck!

 

[Ohiospeedo]

I agree with O2 - you need to break up. Sounds like your bf knows what he wants in life and is ready to settled down. You on the other hand, have yet to even "experience life". You have not live alone, you didn't really experience college life from what it sounds like.