Relationship pattern?

[PalacePaul]

Right now I'm reading something about relationship patterns. I'm trying to understand why all my potential relationships failed.
Maybe "potential relationships" is too much to say. They were the guys I liked and wanted to have something with.
If anything I see a pattern of getting interested in guys who weren't available for some reason:
1. already in a relationship
2. not interested
3. long distance

The author of the article says that all these behaviors were acquired in childhood and can be modified but I don't see how that could work.

Not really asking for anything here...

 

[KaraBulut]

The general theory for why guys go after guys who aren't available can be broken down into two categories:

1. Fear of success - why pursue someone who is available, when you don't believe you're worthy of a relationship or you don't want to be vulnerable to someone? It's much easier to spend your time chasing after someone you'll never catch.
2. Fear of failure - the nice thing about sabotaging yourself is you do it before someone else can. If you never get into a relationship with the unavailable person, you'll never be hurt by them. Of course, there's that pesky issue with hurting yourself.

 

[PalacePaul]

Thank you for the insight. I thought a lot about this.
The weird thing is: all this is so deeply unconscious that I have no clues. Now I feel like my mind is playing hidden games while telling me a fake story. Because on a conscious level I thought those were the right persons and I wanted those relationships

 

[KaraBulut]

The problem with a lot of these situations is it's easy to see the result- the failure in pursuing something that it not attainable. What is more difficult is to unravel the events and behaviors that led to the failure.

It's not unusual- we've all known people who given the choice between two options- one that is likely to be successful and another that is unlikely to be successful- will chose the option that is the one that is unlikely to succeed. What is harder is to understand what motivates them to make the choice, even when they are aware that it is unlikely to succeed.

This is one of the scenarios where discussing things with a licensed therapist may help give you insight into why you're finding yourself in the situation.

 

[funsicles]

A "Grindr"-like hook-up aside, we all go through dry spells, and it is only that when we commit to a relationship that (years-long) crushes and other hotties hit on you, just because you're off the market. Somehow, my fidelity is being tested, yet remain steadfast, even coming into my bedroom to find my best friend NAKED on my bed!!!

Per previous experience, sex between best friends usually doesn't work out. but also works out in real long-term relationships. I just told him, "Magnificent, now get dressed!" He was hurt per my denial of his entreaty (haven't heard from him in 10 days), but I'd truly rather enjoy his friendship and love over a love tryst and lose him forever!!

The other hottie is just a 22 y.o. co-worker that urinates beside me whenever I have to go, peeks obviously, lol, and I have peeked at his too!