Relationship problem.

[chrisdobro]

I'm in my late twenties, my partner is in his late fifties.
gah hate talking about ages...

Anyway, he has a medical problem with the prostate where it's enlarged and he takes pills for it. When he takes pills he can't ejaculate. It's a known side-effect of the medication. When he doesn't take pills, he has a hard time urinating. He didn't have that when we first met. We've been together 8 years now.

Our sex life is almost non-existent due to probably a handful of reasons I am still figuring out. He has devised a plan where we will have sex on certain days. That way he can schedule his pill taking and not take them on our sex days. I don't like it I don't accept it. He says we have to work on the sex issue. I don't want to work on it. I feel it should just happen, like it does with horny teenagers.

To go back to those reasons due to which our sex life sucks:
I have a communication issue with him where I'd rather him to read my mind than for me to say something. I think this is due to the issue in the next paragraph.

Father-image. Even though he is not my father and he went to counseling to not be my father, his level of maturity and experience still makes me feel like he is exerting his influence on me and I resent it. Almost as if I'm rebelling against my dad.

I don't want to work at anything. We have a business together and I resent working on it. Probably because in the issues in the previous paragarph or something.

I feel I should have someone younger, my age, someone I can drool over. My partner is not that all attractive to me. He is handsome and stuff, but he doesn't get me sexually engaged.

What do I do ?

Lack of sex life has me dreaming, day dreaming, fantasizing, etc. about other guys. I am entertaining thoughts of breaking up, while realizing that my sexual fantasies won't come through immediately and it's a big gamble. I know what I have now -- his love, a comfortable lifestyle. But I don't know what will happen if I am to break it up.

We are in a stand still. I don't want to do anything and now he's withdrawing sex from me for me to accept his sex plan that I don't want to accept as it came from "His Authority" which I resent. He's asking me to come up with my own plan but I don't want to.

Back to my question: what do I do...

 

[Heartbreak]

Well you've been with this man for 8 years of course there is gonna be some kind of emotional backlash.I'm sure with him being 50 he probly wants someone to be there till the end,you being in your late 20's you probly want a serious relaationship but with a side of spontaneous sex,correct?If you dont think you can put up with it,you should leve the relationship. I only said that because it would hurt him more if infidelity came into play,then that would/will be another problem in your relationship.


Wishing you the best,

Davey

 

[Heartbreak]

Let's see. Your partner has a medical problem which is not his fault. As a result he can't be a 24/7 spontaneous lover to you. He devises a plan to compromise his health and well-being to make sure he can have sex with you, but you reject the plan. So he offers for you to come up with a plan, but you refuse because you reject his authority.

Honey, grow up. If you love him (and it would seem you do not) then work with him to make the relationship and business work. If you don't love him ( and I assume you do not since you never once said that, then do yourself and him a favor and leave.

Jeesh.

I see your point,and i'm 95% on your side. but to say he doesnt love him is a bit absurd,hes been with him for 8 years most marriages don't even last.

 

[sixthson]

I think you already know what you want and it is NOT him.
This is about sex and your no longer wanting sex with him.
You not wanting to work it out in any way, shape or form
proves this.
You want spontaneity and he physically cannot give it to you.
You want sex with younger guys...plain and simple.

You are not committed to him and are worried about losing your comfortable lifestyle. According to you, you are incompatible and maybe you are. This is the risk of big age differences. This is not about age, however, but it certainly is about maturity. You don't appear to have any. Maybe you settled down too quickly. Maybe you were never right for each other in the first place. Only you know that.

So, go out and drool over young guys and maybe it will work out for you or maybe you will wake up one day alone and lonely and realize what you have lost.

We cannot tell you what is right for you, but you have invested time in each other, you would think you would want to work things out. Maybe not.

 

[Eagle653]

I have to say one thing for you--you're honest.

Go back and read your post again. The answer for you is so obvious. You want what he can't provide and aren't really interested in compromising or working things out. You don't love this guy and the only benefit you're getting (job, comfortable home) are selfish ones. Do your partner a favor and get out of his life so that he can find someone of quality to be a partner with...someone who values him, loves him, and supports him, such as, someone with an ounce of maturity for starters.

 

[timnmostud]

I agree with most of the advice here. I think you know the answers.

You are expecting him to behave like a teenager? Obviously this isn't going to happen. You don't say how old you are, but I assume since you have been together for 8 years you are not one either. So, you are old enough to figure this out. You can stay with someone you don't want to just for the benefits or you can move on and let him move on, too.

If you aren't willing to make any effort then nothing will change.

 

[chrisdobro]

hmm well.. thank you.

it's not completely obvious to me, even though it may be to you. I re-read my post, but perhaps I'm so close to the problem that I don't see it clearly.

I mean I see that I am not satisfied with the relationship in my post and in some of the journal entries that I keep. I see that some other partner may be better for my partner, but it's a gamble for him too. But does it mean I should definitely break up, I don't know.

Do I love him ? I can't come up with an answer. He knows he loves me but I can't quite come up with a clear cut answer. He says that I do, but I refuse to take what he says as it should be my feeling that I know ....

If breaking up is a clear solution, it's not yet clear to me. For one I don't want to break up and later say. .. well, the forum guys thought I should break up, so I did. Had it been 6 months and I had these problems, the solution will probably be much clearer to me. With 8 years together I want to be sure there's nothing else available to fix this relationship before just ending it.

Maturity.. yes, I got stuck. My certain life experiences are to blame for it, and my partner is partially to blame for letting me stay that way. It is not the blame anymore now, it's me. I don't seem to afford staying teen and carefree much longer, unless perhaps I break up. Either way I will need to pull up to my level eventually and I have not yet done that. I'm getting there, better than I was before, but not there yet.

 

[Smitho]

I think the days are numbered in the relationship from your first post, but the idea of a trial separation or "Holiday" might work, but I think it will only be putting the problems on hold, and in my opinion you will break up after.

 

[chrisdobro]

Trial separation is nice, thanks, I was thinking of it too. It could be a good way to get to the core of my relationship, at least for me. But my partner won't go for it. He'd rather break up than do the separation test.

As for working on the sex issue, I'll try it. I will look at his rules maybe do some brainstorming together and give it a try, see what happens.

 

[racer2438]

Let's see. Your partner has a medical problem which is not his fault. As a result he can't be a 24/7 spontaneous lover to you. He devises a plan to compromise his health and well-being to make sure he can have sex with you, but you reject the plan. So he offers for you to come up with a plan, but you refuse because you reject his authority.

Honey, grow up. If you love him (and it would seem you do not) then work with him to make the relationship and business work. If you don't love him ( and I assume you do not since you never once said that, then do yourself and him a favor and leave.

Jeesh.

Bravo , good responds

 

[racer2438]

I think you already know what you want and it is NOT him.
This is about sex and your no longer wanting sex with him.
You not wanting to work it out in any way, shape or form
proves this.
You want spontaneity and he physically cannot give it to you.
You want sex with younger guys...plain and simple.

You are not committed to him and are worried about losing your comfortable lifestyle. According to you, you are incompatible and maybe you are. This is the risk of big age differences. This is not about age, however, but it certainly is about maturity. You don't appear to have any. Maybe you settled down too quickly. Maybe you were never right for each other in the first place. Only you know that.

So, go out and drool over young guys and maybe it will work out for you or maybe you will wake up one day alone and lonely and realize what you have lost.

We cannot tell you what is right for you, but you have invested time in each other, you would think you would want to work things out. Maybe not.

great responce

 

[Heartbreak]

hmm well.. thank you.

it's not completely obvious to me, even though it may be to you. I re-read my post, but perhaps I'm so close to the problem that I don't see it clearly.

I mean I see that I am not satisfied with the relationship in my post and in some of the journal entries that I keep. I see that some other partner may be better for my partner, but it's a gamble for him too. But does it mean I should definitely break up, I don't know.

Do I love him ? I can't come up with an answer. He knows he loves me but I can't quite come up with a clear cut answer. He says that I do, but I refuse to take what he says as it should be my feeling that I know ....

If breaking up is a clear solution, it's not yet clear to me. For one I don't want to break up and later say. .. well, the forum guys thought I should break up, so I did. Had it been 6 months and I had these problems, the solution will probably be much clearer to me. With 8 years together I want to be sure there's nothing else available to fix this relationship before just ending it.

Maturity.. yes, I got stuck. My certain life experiences are to blame for it, and my partner is partially to blame for letting me stay that way. It is not the blame anymore now, it's me. I don't seem to afford staying teen and carefree much longer, unless perhaps I break up. Either way I will need to pull up to my level eventually and I have not yet done that. I'm getting there, better than I was before, but not there yet.

You don't know if you love him? I'm sorry but this man has invested 8 years of life to you and you dont know if you love him? This relationship is doomed.

 

[rareboy]

I agree with the above.

If you don't know if you love him then you probably don't.

Stop wasting your life and his.

He likely has fewer years to live than you do, so why would he want to spend them with a resentful, frustrated boy.

Stop making excuses and blaming him for anything just to make yourself feel better or to rationalize your feelings.

Stop looking for someone else to make up your mind for you.

Be prepared to give up everything for passion.

Grow up. At your age, you're not going to get to be a teenager again.

 

[doofhong]

you dont know if you love him even together for 8 years long??? no joke buddy...
sex of course is a big issue...but sex itself include yr love , yr emotion, yr feelings, yr care,etc..just like you wont fuck deeply yr bf if he felt painful..may be u can separate them clearly...why not try other way to satisfy what u need??? is hard to have a bf for 8 yrs..hope u treasure what u have..and think about it

 

[RMphan]

i know i love my boyfriend and this was like a few months into the relationship i knew that. if you don't know after 8 years, i have no idea what to tell you other than you have an interesting brain

 

[chrisdobro]

well thank you
my brain is interesting.
people have noticed...

update: I accepted the rules and added some of my own guidelines and modifications.

Can't tell if it's working so far. I currently equate it to a schedule. During certain days you have to perform. Kinda like a job. May not be the most sexy thought, but we'll see what happens.

A though I do have is ... suppose I get the sexiest partner I could pick out of a large group of people. Will he always be this hot-smashingly amazingly hot to the point where I emanate internal horny guttural sounds, or will I eventually get used to them, take them more for granted and will other guys keep setting off my horny alarm. i.e. will I find myself in the situation I am now.

 

[rareboy]

Actually, you're the one getting old now. You might not be that smashingly hot to the point where other guys even want to waste the time. You're closer to 50 now than you were 5 years ago.

 

[G-Lexington]

For a period of time, my boyfriend was on medication that made sex difficult, if not impossible. Although he did get me off several times, it wasn't quite the same without him participating. So I generally took care of things myself. I didn't go looking outside the relationship, because I didn't marry a penis. I married a man. Was I unhappy about the lack of sex? Sure. But I didn't blame him for it. I got over it.

The way I see it, you have several options.

* You can dump this guy and start rutting again.
* You can demand an open relationship.
* You can start seeing other guys on the side.
* Or you can grow up.

Lex

 

[chrisdobro]

It sounds that you're suggesting to accept what I have and to quit complaining. Presumably doing so means growing up in this case.

 

[Riverrick]

If you guys were alone out in the wilderness, you would find a way to adapt to these circumstances. But since there are all of these other possibilities available to you, you end up confused and unwilling to try. The problem with the possibilities, as you have pointed out, is that there is no guarantee of a happier and more fulfilling life.

I think you should try as hard as you can to make this work for you. Explore every avenue that is available. You need to know that you left no stone unturned if you walk away some day because you will always care about him and think back on what role you played in the breakup.

As for practical solutions, I wonder if there are there any fun sexual things you guys can do on the non-sex days that don't require him to have an erection? Can you go to a nude beach and jack off? Can you have him video tape you getting off and playing with toys? Have you guys brainstormed about this? Good luck!