Relationship problem.

[G-Lexington]

Thank you, Brian. I was talking out of turn.

Lex

 

[probeteam1]

I'm in my late twenties, my partner is in his late fifties.
gah hate talking about ages...

Anyway, he has a medical problem with the prostate where it's enlarged and he takes pills for it. When he takes pills he can't ejaculate. It's a known side-effect of the medication. When he doesn't take pills, he has a hard time urinating. He didn't have that when we first met. We've been together 8 years now.

Well, with eight years together I have to assume there's something there, but as you have said yourself that you're not sure you love him, I'm not sure how much that counts for.

Our sex life is almost non-existent due to probably a handful of reasons I am still figuring out. He has devised a plan where we will have sex on certain days. That way he can schedule his pill taking and not take them on our sex days. I don't like it I don't accept it. He says we have to work on the sex issue. I don't want to work on it. I feel it should just happen, like it does with horny teenagers.

This is a little song I like to call "denial." It doesn't matter that you don't want to work on it; you have to work on it. He isn't witholding sex because he doesn't like your attitude; he has a medical issue, and it's going to take some adjustment. I see in your later post that you have accepted thism, and I commend your decision, but let's move on.

To go back to those reasons due to which our sex life sucks:
I have a communication issue with him where I'd rather him to read my mind than for me to say something. I think this is due to the issue in the next paragraph.

I'm probably not the best person to be casting stones as I am not particularly communicative, but this is something you really do need to get over. It's just an unfair standard.

Father-image. Even though he is not my father and he went to counseling to not be my father, his level of maturity and experience still makes me feel like he is exerting his influence on me and I resent it. Almost as if I'm rebelling against my dad.

People influence one another all the time. Hell, in the course of this post I can see a few instances of you wanting to exert your influence on him as well. It's not always about father-figures. On the other hand, if you feel that way, it probably has some importance to you.

I don't want to work at anything. We have a business together and I resent working on it. Probably because in the issues in the previous paragarph or something.

Why are you a part of a business you don't want to work at.
Besides who likes to work? If we enjoyed it, it'd be "play".

I feel I should have someone younger, my age, someone I can drool over. My partner is not that all attractive to me. He is handsome and stuff, but he doesn't get me sexually engaged.

And here's the one that I find really telling.
If you feel that you should be with someone younger, why are you still with this guy? You haven't really said much in favor of staying with this man at this point, and you don't seem to think much of him.

What do I do ?

The short answer is that I don't think anyone else can tell you how to deal with this.

Lack of sex life has me dreaming, day dreaming, fantasizing, etc. about other guys. I am entertaining thoughts of breaking up, while realizing that my sexual fantasies won't come through immediately and it's a big gamble. I know what I have now -- his love, a comfortable lifestyle. But I don't know what will happen if I am to break it up.

Well, it probably won't be pretty, and it probably won't be fun. But I think it's about more than just the short term. Unless you're ready and willing to make some compromises, your relationship will only get more miserable with time and will likely eventually end anyway.

We are in a stand still. I don't want to do anything and now he's withdrawing sex from me for me to accept his sex plan that I don't want to accept as it came from "His Authority" which I resent. He's asking me to come up with my own plan but I don't want to.

Wait... what? Look, you already know he can't have sex on most days thanks to his medication. If you don't accept the schedule, how much sex did you tyhink you'd be having? Also, if you don't want to even try to present your own solution, then why are you so opposed to his?

Back to my question: what do I do...

Again, that's for you to decide. If you'er unwilling to let the man you have sex with make decisions about your sex life, I fail to see why you'd accept any more from one of us.

hmm well.. thank you.

it's not completely obvious to me, even though it may be to you. I re-read my post, but perhaps I'm so close to the problem that I don't see it clearly.

I mean I see that I am not satisfied with the relationship in my post and in some of the journal entries that I keep. I see that some other partner may be better for my partner, but it's a gamble for him too. But does it mean I should definitely break up, I don't know.

There are no definites. Eventually you're just going to have to make a decision. Either do the work necessary to maintain the relatiuonship you have, or break it off and try again. Or you could just wait passively for life to move along and sort it out for you (he gets fed up and dumps you, a new prostate pill hits the market, one of yuo is hit by a bus...) but in doindg that you give up the chance of controlling the outcome toward something you actually want.

Do I love him ? I can't come up with an answer. He knows he loves me but I can't quite come up with a clear cut answer. He says that I do, but I refuse to take what he says as it should be my feeling that I know ....

Then maybe you don't love him. How much longer are you willing to spend with him? The medical issue won't just go away. Your issues with him as a "father figure" won't just go away. Are you willing to accept all this, or do you need to move on to something better?

If breaking up is a clear solution, it's not yet clear to me. For one I don't want to break up and later say. .. well, the forum guys thought I should break up, so I did. Had it been 6 months and I had these problems, the solution will probably be much clearer to me. With 8 years together I want to be sure there's nothing else available to fix this relationship before just ending it.

You shouldn't break up because we say it's a good idea. You should do it if you think it's a good idea. My question is, do you see much chance of this relationship surviving? What would have to happen to save it or end it?

Maturity.. yes, I got stuck. My certain life experiences are to blame for it, and my partner is partially to blame for letting me stay that way.

whoa, whoa, back up. What do you mean by "letting me stay that way"? If he's not your father, then it's not his job to see to your maturity. Now that you're an adult, it's yours. On the other hand, igf he's actively tried to keep you that way, then it is his fault. May I ask which it is?

It is not the blame anymore now, it's me. I don't seem to afford staying teen and carefree much longer, unless perhaps I break up. Either way I will need to pull up to my level eventually and I have not yet done that. I'm getting there, better than I was before, but not there yet.

Well, until you do, I don't see any relationship as turning out any better than this one, but that's just my interpretation.

update: I accepted the rules and added some of my own guidelines and modifications.

Well I personally am glad to hear it (I know some people in committed relationships who'd be thrilled to be able to schedule sex on a weekly basis...)

Can't tell if it's working so far. I currently equate it to a schedule. During certain days you have to perform. Kinda like a job. May not be the most sexy thought, but we'll see what happens.

A though I do have is ... suppose I get the sexiest partner I could pick out of a large group of people. Will he always be this hot-smashingly amazingly hot to the point where I emanate internal horny guttural sounds, or will I eventually get used to them, take them more for granted and will other guys keep setting off my horny alarm. i.e. will I find myself in the situation I am now.

He will not always be that amazingly hot. If nothing else, your own libido will likely eventually cool a little in a few years. That said, I can't say he'll stop turning you on altogether - in fact, I should hope that he does not. But there has to be more than animal magnetism to make a relationship work in the long term.
The question is, do you want that? Do you want that right now? Do you want that with this man?

 

[chrisdobro]

Riverrick, thanks.. I think you are striking the chord here.
I wish my counselor told me this. Thanks.

probeteam1, thanks for the post, haven't read it yet, but I will when I get more time.

 

[Riverrick]

Riverrick, thanks.. I think you are striking the chord here.
I wish my counselor told me this. Thanks.

probeteam1, thanks for the post, haven't read it yet, but I will when I get more time.

I can tell you're in counselling. You seem to be very good at owning up to your own issues and expressing your feelings.

Sometimes in life we have to write the book on things. None of us may have the perfect answer for you. You may just have to try the best you can to navigate through this dilemma and accept the lessons that you learn from it. If you can do it with some degree of self respect, I think you'll feel better about it in the future, no matter the outcome. And from what I can see, you're doing just that.

 

[chrisdobro]

UPDATE

We've tried the schedule thing ..
It worked for some time. After a while it fell apart. Sigh.

I still want hot guys closer to my age. To "service me". But I'm in a relationship.
So I've been jacking off a lot. Not having sex (together) for probably over 3 weeks now. Actually more if you don't count an odd single jack off that happened 3 weeks ago.

We are about to try the schedule thing again.
I am not excited over it. In fact it sickens me.
I started typing it up and I started feeling sick.
it goes something like Mon-no sex, Tue-he asks me and I must do it, Thur-I ask and he must do it, Sat - He must do it without me asking, Sun - I must do it without him asking. Other days anything goes. beh

From previous schedule, the day when I ask for sex (Thur) was not a happy day for me. I never know what to ask. I almost always end up with bad feelings. It just didn't go my way. If I didn't ask I felt as if I am missing something. When I do ask, something usually went haywire and I was in an even worse condition. It was easier for me to jack off and get it over with. Even though I jacked off and didn't ask to be pleased, it was overall easier for me. That's probably why I stopped following the schedule altogether.

I don't know what a solution is really. This schedule is really more for him, for the pill schedule. I am at a point where I want to say that I don't really care. but I still do ... yet I don't feel the interest to ... do or create something. (umm now I'm not even making any sense ...)

 

[Riverrick]

Are they any options for surgically reducing the size of the prostate and getting rid of the pills?

 

[chrisdobro]

..yes ...

like with any surgery though, there are risks involved.
The prostate issue showed up after a surgery to remove a kidney stone. A few different doctors said that the surgery for the stone should have no impact on the size of the prostate and that enlarged prostate was just a coincidence.

I don't know if it was or not, it just sucks that it happened after that surgery..

But back to the reducing prostate via surgery. Maybe. Doctors may be reluctant to do that as they prefer to use pills when pills work. It's something I will have to talk about.

 

[Riverrick]

I can see how hard this is for you guys. You obviously have a close relationship, as hard as you are working on this. Its nice to see how much you care for each other.

 

[oz_doc]

..yes ...

like with any surgery though, there are risks involved.
The prostate issue showed up after a surgery to remove a kidney stone. A few different doctors said that the surgery for the stone should have no impact on the size of the prostate and that enlarged prostate was just a coincidence.

I don't know if it was or not, it just sucks that it happened after that surgery..

But back to the reducing prostate via surgery. Maybe. Doctors may be reluctant to do that as they prefer to use pills when pills work. It's something I will have to talk about.

This is a complicated issue and plenty of people have commented well on the emotional side of it so ill stick to what i know best, the medical side. Whilst it is true that if conservative management works then its best to avoid surgical risks a good surgeon will consider more than just urinary function when assesing the "success" of medications. I think it may be worth getting your partner to make an appointment with his urologist, and if your both comfortable then you could be involved as well. If you and your partner explain the degree to which the medication is interfering with your relationship then the option of surgery may well be considered more favorably. TURP (transurethral resection of prostate) is a quick day surgery which like any surgery has risks but is a very good option for symptoms of benign prostatic hyperplasia. Most doctors understand the deep emotional impact impaired sexual function can have on patients and theyre relationships and would be willing to consider that in treatment options.

For this to work however you need to be fairly certain that the physical issues with sexual function are a major driver for your relationship problems, it would be pretty unfair of you to ask your partner to undergo surgery for the sake of your relationship only to find that if he can function well you end up even more unhappy with things.
think about it.

 

[RicanDAB]

I have not bothered to read the responses to your original post; I just wanted to say that you should think long and hard about what it is you really want. Is your happiness more important than keeping peace in a relationship? Sounds to me like you already have one foot out the door. By staying in a relationship you don't want to be in, you're hurting yourself and him at the same time.

 

[boy0boy]

i agree with rican here.


and gosh.. man some of you guys are harsh saying grow up.... honesty is better than pretending to be mature and leading a fake life.

 

[rareboy]

...........ahhhh, but Chris isn't being honest is he? Either with himself or the person he really should be talking to. Being 'honest' with us doesn't count for much does it?

I think we still have a case of two people who 'want it all'.

...and I thought from another thread that these two had an open relationship so that Chris could get all the sex he wanted from hot young guys?

My advice still isn't any different today than before....either fish or cut bait.

 

[chrisdobro]

sex went from "I want to do it" to "I have to do it".

that sucks.

and I don't really know what to say to the responses. I am not at the point of breaking up and leaving it all behind as some have suggested.

And to shut off my desire for other guys ? I don't know.. I have the desire. I choose not to talk about it with my partner as I've talked about it enough, and it does not help him when I talk about it. So if by being honest you mean talking to him about this desire, I've done that.

I don't have a clear path to a decision, though perhaps my vision is unclear.

 

[Riverrick]

Well, what strikes me here is how much one pill has affected your relationship and your life. As per OzDoc's advice, I think its time to talk to the doctor. Remember, its affecting your partner's life significantly also. Good luck!

 

[orem244]

To be honest, I'm guessing most of the people who are saying "grow up" right now can relate a lot more to the older guy in the relationship than to the one asking for advice. In reality though, I think this is a perfect example of why the age difference really IS a big issue, once you get down to it. What seems to be happening is that he is getting to the later years in his life and just wants something comfortable and enjoyable, whereas you still feel young enough that you want the excitement that he isn't really able to offer. And while it's easy to say that you'll just try to work things out, this is a major problem for you guys that is NOT going to go away, because at the end of the day he's still going to want something different than you do. So the question is whether or not you can deal with this for the rest of your life, or whether you'd give up what you have to pursue other avenues while you're still able to do so. And from the sounds of it, you've already chosen the latter... so just get on with it and break up so that both of you can move on with your lives.