Relationship problem...

[spiral81]

I am bisexual, and I think I have fallen for my first guy. At first I was playing the part of the "straight friend", but I would give subtle hints that I was interested in more. I think at this point, he knows that I am interested in a relationship with him.

I act very straight, and am not ready to "come out" to ANY of my family or friends. This is difficult because I live with my brother and a bunch of my friends. I can't introduce my guy to them, because you can kinda tell that he is gay if you talk to him for a few minutes. My friends and brother are kinda homophobic, and they are under the assumption that I am too, so me hanging out with a gay guy wouldn't make sense to them. Plus I really like my guy, and I don't want to set him up into a position where someone might be mean or say hurtful things to him.

So this basically sets up 2 problems.

1. What do I tell my guy? Obviously not that I won't allow him to hang out with my friends because I am afraid of being outed or him being made fun of.

2. How can I keep it a secret? Can I? I live with my brother, so I can't tell everyone that I am stayng at the parent's house.. and we all have basically the same friends, so I can't say that I'm going to a friend's house.. cause my brother and roomamtes would be like.. WHO? I WANNA GO!

gah, any suggestions that don't involve coming out or breaking it off with the guy im crushing over?

 

[ineffablejk]

What do I tell my guy?

Tell him what you just said your concerns are. Your brother and your friends are homophobic and you don’t want to put him in a situation where he will be hurt. By the way, homophobia is often a reaction to ones own insecure sexuality, but…

How can I keep it a secret?

Well you know this guy, you have been spending time with him and your brother and your friends don’t know. I assume you have been discrete about it why would that change?



At some point you’re going to need a set of new friends that can accept you and who you are. I venture that this can be your start.

 

[LeoMikey]

We all have had to deal with this type of situation before: when to be out, when to hide, how to handle your confusion. Most people would say to just come out and be open with everyone about everything. But that's easier said than done!
The first person to have an honest talk with is your boyfriend. He sounds very important to you, and i can only speak for myself, but the guy i love is more important to me than my family and /or friends. He must know he's your first real boyfriend, and that you're bi, so ask him to help you through all this. Tell him about your family and friends, the homophobia they have, how you are conflicted. Warn him about what some of them might say or do. If your guy is the type that is easily pegged as gay, he has probably had more than his share of verbal and/or physical abuse. He might just have a few snappy comebacks for homophobic remarks! Believe me, i'm pretty straight acting, and when i told a close friend i was gay, he spit in my face, shoved me around and told me i was filthy asshole eater (which i don't do by the way!) and that he hoped i died of AIDS. Seeing as how i was taller and much stronger, this was not a wise move on his part. He never spoke to me again, and told everyone he knew i was a fag. So there are hateful people everywhere, even good friends can turn. But i just got used to the fact that i could never truly be me with someone like that in my life, so i'm better off without him anyhow!
As for keeping your relationship a secret, that's up to how safe you feel coming out with it. But just remember that people will find out sooner or later. Let your guy know that you don't want to lose him, but you want to keep this a secret for a while until you feel more secure. It's unlikely he will demand that you come out with it as soon as possible to everyone. Just talk over everything wih him, he might even be closeted to some people himself.
If this relationship get serious, ask him about living together. If your family and friends become intolerable, you two might even consider moving further away. But first talk with him, that's the most important. When you feel confident enough, talk to a friend or family member about your situation. Don't bring your boyfriend along when you finally decide to come out. Let them absorb the fact that you like guys first, that way when they do meet him, they will be more accepting. Good luck, and let us know how things go.

 

[confusedboy23]

Like the rest of the guys here, I think the most important you should be doing right now is to have that open and honest chat with your new-found love. Trust me, that would be the best thing you would and could have done. Relationships should be based on honesty, and if you can be honest with each other from the very start, then it will become a very strong foundation for the both you. I've been in your position and so I know how it feels. Although we didn't last, I didn't regret confessing my love for him, and telling him of all my fears, worries, doubts, and confusion. It has made me stronger and I've gotten to know myself better. At the end of day, there is only more to gain and little if not none to lose!

 

[spiral81]

well... I really like my friends, and I can't just throw them away.. even if they don't like me anymore after coming out (which I don't think they would hate me or anything).. even if they did.. I couldn't just forget it. They have helped me through some very hard times.

 

[spreadeagle]

I think as a first step you have to acknowledge that's it's not just your family and friends who are homophobic: you are homophobic, too.

 

[Xpione]

Paper can't wrap fire. Does your friend want a relationship? You have to be certain. Which is more important, your fake reputation with your friends/brother(s) or your relationship with him.

 

[Xpione]

You need to get over, overcome, your fear. You'll never have a man-man relationship with that fear.

 

[ZoGood]

do you always have to tell your brother/friends that you're going out somewhere?

sounds like you ain't getting the respectful level of privacy that everybody deserves


and you should ask your friend what he wants in a guy, particularly when it comes to a potential boyfriend being out of the closet

 

[racer2438]

make a copy of what you just wrote and sit with him and have him read, with you.

you must be honest from this point forward. with out you knowing THIS IS THE BEGINING OF YOUR FRIENSHIP-THIS IS WHAT YOUR FOUNDATION IS GOING TO BULID ON.

if there is a will there is a will there is a way.

if you blow this off, you'll be kicking your self in the ASS for a while that it got away.

be honest with your self and be honest with people. Stand up str8 hold your head high and one step at a time.


DO WHATS RIGHT

 

[rareboy]

My friends and brother are kinda homophobic, and they are under the assumption that I am too, so me hanging out with a gay guy wouldn't make sense to them.

Very nice. Why the fuck would you choose to live your life as seen through the lens of the ignorant and the ugly? From what I can tell you're old enough to be living on your own instead of a homophobic frat house.

It is your choice. You seem to want it all, but with the situation you've created, it isn't going to happen. Frankly, if I were your new boyfriend and I knew this about you, I'd run for the hills until you'd grown up.

You should also try posting in the bisexual forum. There's likely someone there who can give you advice on how you can deceive everyone.

 

[luminum]

You'd only hang out with who your friends hang out with? Their opinion overrides your own interests? If not, then who care who you hang out with or who you are? it'll be a sad day in hell when all of us only do what other people think we should do and enjoy what they think we should enjoy contrary to our own interests.

Don't let that be you.