relationship problems

[ooohjesus]

i've been going out with this guy for practically 6 months now, with a 2 week break. we're both 21 and each other's first boyfriends. i know everyone says first relationships usually don't last but i really care about this guy. but sometimes, i don't know why because he doesn't treat me the same way i treat him. i obviously invest more in him than he does in me. we broke up in january for about 2 weeks. basically the whole month before the break-up, we started having problems. he was flirting with other guys online, and he ended up cheating on me. we have talked about it since, and i've forgiven him. so we got back together, and i guess we started having problems again 2 months after we got back together.

i think what it comes down to is that he's scared of commitment. i try not to think that there is something wrong with me but sometimes i feel that way. maybe we're really just not compatible? but we both agreed that we enjoy spending time with each other. last sunday, we got into an argument because he lied about where he was. he said he was at home when really, he was with our friends at something that i wanted to go to. i told him to call me when he came home so that we could talk about stuff. but he went straight home, with our other friend and told me that our friend was sleeping over. i drove to his house, and yelled at him to come outside. we argued and even woke up his father. he just kept telling me to calm down and that i don't think things through. and i just kept asking why he lied and that he doesn't know what goes on in my head and i can't help but think certain things because of what happened in the past. the next morning we had a conversation online:

me: i was really going crazy though
him: Oh
him: Psycho
me: just don't lie to me like that anymore. and i won't go crazy
him: Ok
me: did u really just want to go by urself last night?
him: Yes and no
me: what do u mean?
him: I don't know
him: Yes I wanted to go alone but then again I didnt
me: but u just didn't want to go with me?
him: Yes and no
him: I don't know
me: i don't know what u mean by that
him: I don't either I'm just telling u how I feel
me: so u kinda didn't care if i went with u or not...but u just
decided that u'd rather go by urself..and u didn't want to make me feel
bad so u lied to me about not going?
him: Yeh
him: But I already was on my way by the time u told me u
were home
me: i dunno. i just felt really shitty last night. i didn't
know what to think.
him: Yeh I don't know either
me: do u feel like u wanna end this thing already?
him: Sometimes
him: SOME times
me: i mean, i feel like i'm really trying to adjust to how u
feel...like, all the time...and its just hard sometimes
him: Yeah
me: what makes u want to stay in this...honestly
him: I like being wit you
him: I do
him: But soemtimes
him: I jus need space
him: And when I get space
him: U get all dramatic
him: Sometimes I need a lot of space
him: And I don't take into account ur feelings
him: And I don't know why I don't care
him: That's what makes me a bad boyfriend
him: That's why I question whether I shopuld be in a
relationship
him: Cus I do not reciprocate very well
me: do u think this is something that we could deal with
better...like, i can't keep doing this...u know, i'm usually not a
dramatic person.and i hate dramatic people..its just for some reason, u
drive me to that point...because i do invest a lot of myself in u
him: Yeh I know u do.
him: I see no other way to fix this
him: Other than
him: Spending time apart
him: For now at least
him: so u want to break up?
him: I don't know
him: I know I don't treat u the same way u treat me
me: i don't know either
him: I'm going to class

so that was two days ago, and we haven't really talked since. i've been having a tough time with it. i really don't know what to do. or how better to cope with this situation. i don't want to break things off but sometimes i feel like thats what its coming down to. should i try to get over him or wait? it sucks cuz school is really stressing me out too and there's so much going on right now that i have no time to really unwind. i can't stop thinking about us. =/ sometimes i feel like i'm on the brink of an anxiety attack. and i know i shouldn't isolate myself but sometimes i don't want to be around people. =/ any advice would be appreciated.

 

[jetsonboy]

1. Stop the drama
2. Let go
3. Forget about him
4. Find a new boyfriend

OR, skip the first three steps and just do #4.

 

[WYSIWYG]

Well, it does sound like you have more feelings for him than he does you. It also sounds like your more emotionally "attached" to him then he is with you.

I believe that a relationship involves trust, commitment and honesty, as well as being friends first. I do not get the impression that your bf respects you enough since he has lied to you. This is not a good way to start or continue a relationship in my opinion.

I think you have invested enough time and emotional feels for your bf, without receiving the same. I know that your stressed out with school, and him, but I think you would be better off letting this go. There are other guys out there that will treat you the way you want to be treated! But I do not know all of your situation, you need to focus on your needs and what you want from a bf.

Let us know what happens mate! Good luck!

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Your BF is not your typical BF material. Certainly not in the way, you would want him to be.

He has got serious issues with himself and most of his responses are very defensive: 'I don't know.' It sounds pretty much like someone, who is not fully in control of his own actions.

Furthermore, 'I need space. I need lots of space.'is a very clear signal that he is not ready for a commitment you want him to make.

Frankly, you do not want to be his BF. He is a bit of ticking bomb at the moment.

You may want to consider making it a good friendship with or without benefits, while he is sorting his own issues and while you are searching for the BF material of your choice.

No matter what you choose to do, do yourself a HUGE FAVOR. Cut out the drama. Do not drive anywhere and do not shout anything outside other people's houses (waking other people up) or anywhere else for that matter. This always, always makes a very sad impression. You don't want to do that.

SC

 

[genuone]

At 21 there are hundreds of fish in the sea, go fishing.

 

[backpacker]

First relationships are very difficult. You haven't acquired the life experience to deal with such issues. This is why when people look back on first relationships, it's often bitter sweet. From what you have written, sounds like your bf is ready to move on and you haven't reached that point yet. Unfortunately in relationships, when one person is ready to move, the relationship is over. I know that you long for those feelings you had when you first got together, but you are young and will find another bf who will reciprocate your feelings. I wish you the best.

 

[Just_Believe18]

May I recommend you do one of two things.

1. End the relationship and pursue someone who is interested in a LTR. At your age, there are a few guys in their 20's who are ready for a real relationship. He is not ready. The way you wrote down his language, his frequent use of "I don't know," is a clear indication he can't communicate or give trust to you. Communication and trust is absolutely key to a working relationship.

2. End the relationship and just be friends. This can only happen if you can accept seeing him with other boys and knowing he has moved on to other relationships. If you can't handle jealously, then end the relationship and give yourself space from him for awhile. This doesn't mean you can't see him again. He says he still likes you and you still like him. There's nothing wrong with being friends. But you have to accept the fact It. Is. Just. Friends. And you can never be sexual with him again. It will stirr up old feelings.

 

[Ruptured Silence]

Unfortunately it does indeed sound like he has gotten into something that he is not ready for. It's hard, but I think that finishing things is probably the best option. I only say this because I've been in similar situations myself and it always ends the same way.

 

[ooohjesus]

thanks to everyone whose responded so far. its really great to hear from people of all different ages and experiences. thank u.

i've thought about leaving him, and trying to find someone else, but its really hard.

i think one thing that makes it really difficult for me is the fact that i see a lot in him that i like. and i'm afraid to lose him. and the way we met was kind of by luck. he heard about me from a mutual friend that goes to my school. our friend noticed that we lived in the same town and he wasn't sure if i was gay or not so he told him to add me on facebook. i asked him how he knew me, and it all went from there. i felt like it was perfect because we were both really attracted to each other and we lived literally 2 minutes away from each other. and there are other things that i admire about him. he's a fun person. very sweet when he wants to be. i just feel good when i'm with him. like everything's okay. and then of course, the problems start.
i'm really not the kind of person to outwardly pursue another guy. so i don't really know the first thing about dating and meeting other gay guys. and when i think about meeting other gay guys, i can't help but compare them to my bf. i guess what i see in my bf is everything i want in a bf except for the fact that 1.) he does things that are really disrespectful and immature and 2.) he's afraid of commitment. i know those are two very big issues, but again, everything else i want is there =/.

and if we do decide to break things off how do i know if i am ready for a new relationship?

 

[Just_Believe18]

Those two big issues are deal breakers. Regardless of how perfect he is to you, a relationship cannot exist without respect and committment. You can have great sex, he can be charming, you can watch the sunrise together and say you love each other but ultimately, no matter what, there is no relationship without respect and committment. You admitted it to us. You know what to do.

You may not be ready for a new relationship. Nobody says you have to committ to someone new already. Enjoy being single. Make new friends. Experiment or whatever. Find yourself because if you're still comparing everything to your boyfriend then you're living through his life, not yours.

 

[holycrap]

you status already stated that you are SINGLE, it means that you have already made the decision to leave all this behind.

Be brave and do it.

 

[jetsonboy]

thanks to everyone whose responded so far. its really great to hear from people of all different ages and experiences. thank u.

i've thought about leaving him, and trying to find someone else, but its really hard.

i think one thing that makes it really difficult for me is the fact that i see a lot in him that i like. and i'm afraid to lose him. and the way we met was kind of by luck. he heard about me from a mutual friend that goes to my school. our friend noticed that we lived in the same town and he wasn't sure if i was gay or not so he told him to add me on facebook. i asked him how he knew me, and it all went from there. i felt like it was perfect because we were both really attracted to each other and we lived literally 2 minutes away from each other. and there are other things that i admire about him. he's a fun person. very sweet when he wants to be. i just feel good when i'm with him. like everything's okay. and then of course, the problems start.
i'm really not the kind of person to outwardly pursue another guy. so i don't really know the first thing about dating and meeting other gay guys. and when i think about meeting other gay guys, i can't help but compare them to my bf. i guess what i see in my bf is everything i want in a bf except for the fact that 1.) he does things that are really disrespectful and immature and 2.) he's afraid of commitment. i know those are two very big issues, but again, everything else i want is there =/.

and if we do decide to break things off how do i know if i am ready for a new relationship?

I saw this one coming, so here's my blunt assessment: you have victim issues. Meaning, you (subconsciously) have a need to be victimized in relationships (a need to be hurt), most likely because you feel it's what you deserve. I suggest you start by realizing that you are worth much more than what you allow yourself to believe, so please start by being good to yourself and moving on to someone who will be good to you.

 

[luminum]

I think cheating is it for me. I would never cheat, and I would expect that my partner love me and respect me enough not to cheat on me.

Plus, the fact that he wasn't treating you the same would also knock it for me.

I would drop his ass and find someone worth your time.

 

[ooohjesus]

so after a week of being apart from each other, we're finally going to see each other tomorrow.

i know what i have to do. and i'm sure he knows what needs to happen. but i don't know if i should want to try to walk away from this and still be friends. i at least want to be able to walk away with my dignity. i was with a couple of my friends last night and i found out that on tuesday night while he was with them and another dance group visiting from california (they're all dancers except my bf who's just kind of a groupie) something happened between him and another guy from california. how far they actually went, they weren't able to tell me cause they really weren't sure. but that was enough for me to realize that i can't stay in this any longer. but whats killing me is the thought of the aftermath of it all. i know what's bound to happen tomorrow. by tomorrow night, we will no longer be together. in a way i am relieved but i can't help but be extremely sad about it. i really don't know what to say to him. should i try to stay friends with him so that maybe i wouldn't be as sad about it? should i just tell him that i don't want to see him for a while? its tough because a lot of my closest friends are really good friends with him, and sometimes i think maybe we should just have taken it really slowly and been friends for a while before jumping into a relationship. has too much happened to start all over again and just be friends?

 

[slobone]

I think you can be friendly without necessarily being friends. What I mean is, there's no reason to hate each other, but at the same time, it probably wouldn't be a good idea for you to spend a lot of time with him right now. It sounds to me like you still have feelings for him, and the more you see him the more you'll want to get back together again. In which case he'll continue to behave in the same way he has been.

The tipoff for me is that you're still focused on him, when you should be thinking about yourself. Forget about him, and move on. Maybe someday later you can be friends with him again, but for now you need to work on moving in a different direction.

 

[loppyears]

Good for you that you've managed to break-up with him. You seem like a caring person who derserves much better.
I've tried being freinds with ex-bfs (well just two of them) and it never works. They usually think that just because were freinds I have to give them something in return, like sex, which I hate when they do that. Doesn't mean it won't work for you, but that's my opinion. It's actually quite good that he's friends with your closest friends because there's less chance of having that awkward slience when you see him again.

 

[ooohjesus]

so we finally met up sunday night and it didn't quite go the way i expected it to. i showed up at his house and we went to his room. i kinda just walked in as if we were just friends, i started off by saying "hey, u got ur car fixed." and we started talking about that. we just kinda acted like things were normal. i was just so happy to see him that i gave him a hug and said that i missed him. that's when he just started crying. then we just sat there, hugging each other, with him crying. we did for what felt like forever. until we were both lying down, staring at each other, and him still tearing up. and me, consoling him. =/ he said u know i have to break up with u right? i assumed he knew that i knew what happened the previous week. but i didn't say anything about him making out with another guy..i just said yes. he asked if i knew what was going to happen before i came to see him. and i said yes. he said u deserve so much better and i'm just tired of treating u badly. at this point, he was crying so much that he couldn't look at me. i don't know why but at that moment, i just kind of forgave him for everything in my head. he said i'm the first person he ever loved. he said he still loves me. and more crying and hugging. i didn't know what to say to him, but i was just happy to see that he still cared, and that after weeks of being off and on cold and distant, he was finally opening up the way i wanted him to and giving me the love that i so longed for. we started kissing and things got heated. we didn't have sex but he we came pretty close to it. then we started talking about our relationship, and he said we should take it day by day. i'm still trying to figure out what that means, but i know officially i'm single now. He asked if i wanted to stay there and take a nap with him. so i did, left in the morning and gave him a kiss on the cheek before i left.

//

i saw him again last night (tuesday night) because our friends were performing at a dance event in the city. i met up with him first before meeting our friends, we talked for a bit, and for a while it felt like the way it did in the beginning. we were both just talking freely, just enjoying each other's company. but then as the evening progressed, things got a bit awkward. i felt the need to be close to him again and be affectionate. but when we were in the club, surrounded by all our friends, he wasn't so interested. and i felt the way i felt again, that feeling of rejection. him always being distracted by his sidekick and distancing himself from me. on our way home, he asked me if i wanted to stay over. i said okay. and this time we did end up having sex. but it was nothing more than sex, detached of anything. and it was a conscious decision on both our parts. after that, we started talking again, he told me about what happened the week before, when he made out with another guy. he said that was the only time he did anything. not like it matters now but i believe him. then i began asking more questions, just because before last night, and after we "broke up" i still had some hope left, and i felt that i needed some kind of closure. these are a few things that i remember him saying: "I don't think I can be with one person right now. and its not fair to you." "I want to try to get to know other people. I'm scared, to think that this is it for me." "Sometimes, I get bored, but that's not your fault." "I know i still care about you, if i didn't i would've just dumped you." "I can't treat u like the princess u are." when i got mad that he called me a princess, he tried to clarify himself "by princess i mean humble and kind...not bitchy and dramatic"

I don't know if that makes me feel any better, but it did help to diminish the hope that I had left. And it really made me think about whether or not we were compatible. I guess it just helps to know what really went wrong with our relationship because if anything, I just want to learn from this experience. Because I know I will have future relationships and someday I know I'll be happy but right now I just feel really doubtful about myself. I really liked this guy. I guess our personalities are quite different. He's more outgoing and charming. I'm more quiet but I guess I'm open to people when I feel secure around them. He enjoys being around large groups of people. Sometimes, I do too, but I'd rather have a few close friends than a lot of aquaintances. When I look back at our relationship, there were times when we were together, and we didn't really talk much but we were just comfortable with that. And then there were times when we wouldn't talk and I would feel like he was getting bored. Of course there were times when we talked but lately its been about our problems, not the innocent getting to know each other talk that we used to enjoy. It's just tough because now i see him getting close to our other friends because he does have a really magnetic personality, but i feel like i'm losing them because i guess i'm just in a really insecure state and i can't always pretend to be happy, especially when he's around. I know I shouldn't isolate myself but sometimes i feel overwhelmed when i'm around everyone. At this point, I want to do what's best for me, but I don't know what that is. Sometimes I don't think if I'm ready for a new relationship.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Well, I'm glad you're single.

Because you still have emotionally mixed feelings you should not be having sex with him at all.

I'm glad you're finding yourself and getting over this relationship. I'm glad he took the initiative to do what you were hesistant in doing. He wasn't ready for committment and at least he recognized he was hurting you.

 

[rareboy]

Thank heavens you've broken up.