Relationship Rescue

[slickgrant]

ok i don't exactly know where to start and this is likely to get long but here goes!

I am recently divorced and have a 2 year old son that is wonderful from the previous marriage of 5 years. We divorced because I have known for a long time that I was gay and let religion and religious friends and leaders tell me about 7 years ago that i could change....... After fighting with that for several years i finally just couldn't live with it anymore and started messing around just couldn't deal with cheating on the wife, and lying to myself about who I am anymore.

SO..... we divorced and are still very civil with one another. The ex is very homophobic and religious and feels that homosexuality is immoral, sinful, and just down right wrong, and is very protective of our son in that aspect. Even in the divorce papers I had to agree that before anyone would move in with me be that a roomate or significant other etc... that I would give her 30 days written notice and we would attend mediation / counseling before anyone moved in.

I have been dating the same person since before the divorce was final. Our relationship of 2.5 years has been strained from the beginning by several factors. He is 11 years younger than me and in college. We have a lot of the same interests though in life. His sex drive is a little lacking he says because of depression etc... which he was recently medicated and seems to be getting better. I am horny all the time even at 33 years old.

He thinks i am playing with him as I won't let him move in with me because it just doesn't seem like the time to me. It will never be a smooth transition with me having a son to worry about as well that I have overnight 4 nights a week. How do other parents deal with children in this type of situation? I am cool with my son knowing I am gay. Everyone around me seems to be so worried that when he goes to school other kids / parents will mistreat him because he has a gay father and his gay father lives with his partner....

He bases a lot of our relationship on moving in with me and it has really strained the relationship a lot lately. If it were not for having to deal with the ex-wife and my son I would let him move on in but this definately throws a kink in the chain.

Also he has recently become interested in finding more friends to do things with and has gotten in trouble with a couple of them sexually!! He has felt guilty and come home and told me what happened etc.. For the last 2.5 years we have been totally monogamous with each other. I know that for sure as we have spent almost every moment together except for when he has to go home at night as parents don't approve of him staying overnight with me etc... Now he wants us to be manogamous but he wants it to be ok for each of us to have friends that we just "j/o" with. Part of me says ok that's not really a big deal but the other part of me is saying WTF.

Anyway this is way too long and no one will probably even get to this point so im stopping now. If anyone has any suggestions on how to handle the issues with him living here / playing with others..... They are greatly appreciated.

 

[evil_danger]

Your son must come first, and it doesn't sound like he understands that. Hes young and it just sounds like he's not done with fooling around, although you might care for each other, at this point in your own life it doesn't sound practical.

You can either ask him to wait untill things cool off with your ex wife, in which case he can either wait or he can move on. Or you can try to incorperate him into your life, but you run the risk of making things harder on your unstable relationship with your ex, and ultimatly making things harder on your son.

Personally if hes fooling around still I would drop him, mutual J/O isn't something you do in a serious relationship, and the fact that he thinks its okay really does show hes not ready for a relationship. But thats just my opinion.

good luck.

 

[SantaCBear]

You've got yourself a young kid and he is acting like a young kid...

If you can just be fuck buddies.

 

[G-Lexington]

This kid you're seeing - for a kid is what he is - sounds like about the last thing you need right now. He's needy, moody, depressive, manipulative, and apparently not even all that hot in bed.

This is a time when you should feel liberated. When you should feel like you can finally live your life as YOU. This shouldn't be a time when you have to worry about lying, or acceding to a partner's demands.

You can do a hell of a lot better than this.

Lex

 

[bluedragon4]

He is way to young for you. You are 33 and expect a 22(what 19 when you met?) to be monogamous? Him wanting to j/o with guys is a huge sign of things to cum....come. You don't need this in your life. If you were not a father maybe you could play with this idea but you are. It's like you have 2 sons. You need a partner to stand strong with. Not some goofy kid who will lead you down the wrong path. Now go back out there and try again!

 

[CagedBird]

hmm..pardon me for being sexual driven...but you say in your post "...I am horny all the time even at 33 years old".

I hear that you lover being " 11 years younger than me " should reflect on your comparison sex drives.

Pardon me again, but my BF [46] who is 6 yrs younger than me [52] cant begin to keep up with me.

More specific to topic: I too have been through painful divorce w/kids; alls I gotta say is its a treasure being 33 years young, likely there is more life ahead of you than behind you. You will eventually figure out what to do with your current BF dilemma....just don't dwell too long it, months have a way of turning into years real quick.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Strange...

Your BF of 2,5 years has been trying to move in together with you?

He is 11 years your junior and you have been turning him down? So, he has messed around with other dudes after you demonstrated that he is not a part of your future and after having understood that he has to stand by you but the same rule does not quite apply to you?

So, he is supposed to bite the dust and stay monogamous and faithful to you, because of your ex-wife's homophobic attitude and because of the wider perception your little town may have about yourself living with another man?

Please...

You came out and divorced. Everyone knows that you are a gay dude. Sensation? Yeah, for a few days, until something else fills in the void of otherwise very empty lives. Sure, you want to live with your partner. This is not going to hurt anyone, least of all your son.

If it hurts your Ex, well, that's life. Homophobes get hurt, too. No harm done.

Move on. Tell you ex-wife to shut the fuck up. Get your BF to live with you and tell the rest of the world to carry on minding their own f.... business.

SC

 

[mpdan]

^^^^I agree.

I think it's time to sit down at the kitchen table for a serious discussion regarding what is best for the three of you - What dad wants, what your college age lover wants and needs, and of course what is best for the 5 year old member of this group.

When you truly understand what each member wants and needs, then the compromise begins. Can each live with compromise? Can they try? Now I think we all know the five year old cannot contribute or articulate his true feelings but one only needs to know that his feelings and needs are relatively simple: he needs to be surrounded with loving, concerned and happy people in his life - that includes mom, dad, grandma, the dog and perhaps even the mailman. If dad is happy with his young lover, it reflects in the enviroment. Children are ethnocentric: How will this affect me? His concern will mainly be that everything will be alright as long as he gets to keep his Thomas the Tank Engine. After that, a kiss, a hug, and unconditional support from the people closest in his life are all that is needed.

One of our resident Canadian authors - (a childless man himself) has written a saga about two men in exactly your age bracket - and his cryptic story of gay daddydom and age differences will no doubt hit home with you and your lover. Give it read for a few chapters, and no doubt you will be hooked - slap your palm to your forehead and state "Jeesus Murphy! this writer knows exactly how I feel!"

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=95442

 

[Shepherd 2]

Why do I feel like this 2 and 1/2 year relationship is very one sided, or all about you? When you rerread your post could you not see this?

So he is eleven years younger, does that mean you are the older, wiser, and controling one, the noble provider? Do you not see the stiff arm you are giving him? He is not another little boy like your little son, who will never remember anything different about you except this living relationship. I believe he deserves to be in.

Are you the only one who gets choices about such things, after all, you have a little boy to care for. I do not get this? I have three grown children now, and I still do not get this. What are you doing?

I am saddened by his straying from the monogamy of your previous relationship, but you are keeping him at arms length. Does this not occur to you?

I am in an 18 year monogamous relationship, seventeen of living under the same roof in our bed together. Yes I am over sexed and need sex constantly, and he does too. Let your man move in. Treat him as your peer, or partner. Jump through the hoops, or let him go.
Shep+