Relationship shit

[Laboyes]

I was dropped by the aforementioned kid with bad breath rather than the other way around. He essentially said I don't understand how dating works, which is quite accurate.

Due to the fact that I basically avoided dating from the age of fourteen to the age of twenty, I don't. I just know when I feel comfortable with whatever is going on, and it's getting faster for me to feel comfortable with people.

Can someone walk me through what dating is like for twenty-somethings?

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, let's start by putting this into perspective. One month ago, you were posting about being a virgin; today you're posting about dating/relationships.

You're in a situation that many older gay men experienced: coming out in their 20s and having no dating experience from their teens to fall back on.

Can someone walk me through what dating is like for twenty-somethings?

Well, not really. It comes in a lot of different varieties. It can be a weird dance where no one seems to be able to pick up the beat and where no one knows where it's going. It can be a non-relationship where you have really great sex but don't really click out of the bedroom. It can be like a friendship where you hang out and do everyday stuff and then you crawl into bed together and fuck each other's brains out. It can be this really incredible romantic thing where you get butterflies and you can't stop thinking about each other.

Pretty much it's whatever you make it. And sometimes, it's something that you have absolutely no control over- it just happens.

But- based upon past threads- the real issue is that that you are probably over-thinking the situation.

What- specifically- did he say that backed up the statement that you don't really know how to date?

P.S. Nice updated profile picture.

 

[Laboyes]

lYou're in a situation that many older gay men experienced: coming out in their 20s and having no dating experience from their teens to fall back on.

That's accurate.

But- based upon past threads- the real issue is that that you are probably over-thinking the situation.

I hear that. A lot.

What- specifically- did he say that backed up the statement that you don't really know how to date?

I can't actually quote him because a decent majority of our digital communications occurred over Snapchat. Basically I think he thought I was too much too fast.

The next guy and I were both awkwardly inexperienced and had virtually no chemistry. When we did, it was too little too late. I'm hoping the next non-hookup will allow me to find a happy medium.

As always, thanks for the support.

 

[neditesjamais]

As someone who's been an over-thinker a loooooot longer than you, I'll tell you that it's not easy to stop doing it. It's how we're wired. The good news is that one of the best ways to get all the "noise" of overthinking out of your head is to write it down.

So far, you've done that in here. That's fine; we'll always read and some will respond. But you can also do that on your own doing some kind of journal or just emailing yourself. (It's truly interesting to read something you wrote to yourself a day or a week later. I strongly recommend it. I've learned some really good stuff from my own stupidity ;-) )

The other thing that I'm still working on is patience. Oh, I have tons and tons of it for other people. Just not for myself. The more we (people like me and you) want things to be just right--or even perfect!--the first time and every time, the more likely we are to notice that they're not. Well, yeah. They never are. It might sound weird, but you may need to remind yourself (by repeating over and over, both out loud and silently), "I'm going to make mistakes and it's going to be ok."

All this can take a long time to even start to get a grip on (check my age in my profile) but you're off to a great start! Keep making mistakes.

 

[kallipolis]

But- based upon past threads- the real issue is that that you are probably over-thinking the situation.

This...

Changing ones focus from oneself, to the object of our desire releases the lover from their perception that life is all about them.

It's often said that when ones ego becomes ones master there is no thought, beyond serving oneself....that eventually leads one down a blind alley into a void filled with loneliness.

 

[Laboyes]

Rather than quote parts of your reply, neditesjamais, I'll just agree that it all sounds applicable. During the more tumultuous times I've had during the past few months I've learned that journalling really helps with not only reflection but also clearing my mind. I should start doing that with this sort of stuff. I definitely need to work on reconciling myself with the reality that most of my ideals must go unmet. There is no worry that I'll stop making mistakes.

Changing ones focus from oneself, to the object of our desire releases the lover from their perception that life is all about them.

I don't think that's a concern in my current state. Right now, when it comes to relationship shit, I try to be as selfless as possible (not in an altruistic way but rather in that I try to focus entirely on the other). I'm the most submissive fuck imaginable, and I typically defer my own desires because what feels best to me is making others feel good.

I'd forgotten that I came here with a goal last night and got sidetracked. Sometime on the ninth I accidentally video called this guy. I don't know how long it was calling before I caught it, but --thank God-- Messenger shows that he did not pick up. I dreaded that he'd respond, but approximately four days went past without anything.

During yesterday morning's wee hours he texted me, and we had the following conversation. I'm just perplexed about what is going on. Maybe someone here can help me make heads or tails of the whole affair.






I'm sure y'all are savvy, but I'll keep my bases covered by pointing out that he is the blue "K."

A month or so ago he was saying I don't understand relationships and that I'm at a "junctior" (I specifically remember the spelling error despite the ephemeral quality of Snapchat conversations) in life at which he couldn't see the two of us being compatible. We each said goodbye. Now, fast forwarding a bit, he's saying this crap. What am I missing? The asshole response on my behalf was probably unwarranted, but I really don't know what's going on.

 

[SeaCore]

Obviously I'm in no position to give relationship advice. But I don't think I'm overstepping to say that your response to them was perfectly fine. Sure, the initial little jab wasn't particularly necessary but it does explain what happened and isn't exactly scathing.

I wouldn't feel too bad about the rest of the conversation because you were just being honest and you were sticking by your boundaries.

I'm actually less inclined to be sympathetic to them when they weren't exactly being direct with you and were giving you kind of mixed messages about the relationship they want to have with you.

If you're wondering if they want to get back together with you, it could be possible. But I wouldn't pursue it in light of the reasons they stated before. This wasn't that long ago and the thoughts that lead them to their conclusion that they should break up with you are likely still lingering.

Maybe I'm wrong. I have no experience to back that up. But that's what my instinct is telling me.

 

[Laboyes]

Obviously I'm in no position to give relationship advice. But I don't think I'm overstepping to say that your response to them was perfectly fine. Sure, the initial little jab wasn't particularly necessary but it does explain what happened and isn't exactly scathing.

I wouldn't feel too bad about the rest of the conversation because you were just being honest and you were sticking by your boundaries.

I'm actually less inclined to be sympathetic to them when they weren't exactly being direct with you and were giving you kind of mixed messages about the relationship they want to have with you.

If you're wondering if they want to get back together with you, it could be possible. But I wouldn't pursue it in light of the reasons they stated before. This wasn't that long ago and the thoughts that lead them to their conclusion that they should break up with you are likely still lingering.

Maybe I'm wrong. I have no experience to back that up. But that's what my instinct is telling me.

I should clarify: we were never "together" and we never "broke up." We texted awhile and went on a few dates before he said I didn't understand relationships and we said goodbye. I hope your instinct isn't just having you agree with me because you have more of my biased story than his part.

 

[kallipolis]

^Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Grow more experience....always remembering that our journey of self discovery only ends we draw our last breath.

My experience thus far:

“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.”― Allen Saunders

 

[SeaCore]

I don't believe it's out of bias, but it certainly could be.

The issue is that to reach the conclusion that you do not understand relationships implies to me that there were several factors that lead this person to deem you and them incompatible at this time. If they expressed a willingness to work on being more patient and more open about what their particular gripes are I might would think differently.

I'm also less inclined to trust that they are going to be communicative in the way it seems like you need. Because, they seem to have an issue of beating around the bush rather than explicitly saying what is on their mind. That could just be my interpretation, but did they ask you to slow down prior to dropping you?

 

[Laboyes]

That could just be my interpretation, but did they ask you to slow down prior to dropping you?

Yup. At that point I said goodbye and didn't have any communication until the awkward video call thing.

We now use Snapchat approximately once a day, but it's typically me initiating it. I'm going to stop doing even that because this whole digital friends thing is just beyond me. It doesn't matter now that I've moved again anyway.