Relationship with Bi

[tydd1985]

I met a guy lately, we are geting to know each other and everything is going pretty well.

Last night, i brought up a question 'are you bi or gay?' (since i noticed he had claimed hes bi in his profile) and it seemed to make a tension between us.

He tried to avoid the question by answering 'is that a matter?'

I said 'somehow, 'coz there are many cases, bi guys make an excuse of changing his mind, wanna settle down with a women, have a normal life and enjoy happiness like everyone else. I really dont wanna be a temporary boyfriend just for a while before my boyfriend go get married'

And then he was silent for seconds then changed the topic.

But i was keen on getting know if hes bi, so i ask another question "so what are ur goals which u wanna achieve when ur 40?'. And he all talked about his career and didnt mention a word about love life, just like he answer an interview for a new job.

Then i asked "how about ur love and family?". Once again, he avoid the question and change the topic.

I wanna know him very well, and no secret between us, 'coz thats how a relationship works. Right? So, after 15 mins I politely reminded the issue 'i didnt know that asking if ur gay or bi would bring up such a wide issue like this'

Then he asked me 'do u wanna have a relationship with a bi guy?'

I answered 'nope' (i answered very honestly)

And then he said i might have many difficulties to work through if i wanna be with him 'coz hes a complicated guy.

----

I know i pushed the issue a bit hard. On my defensive side, i like him and he likes me, but i rather let my heart break early before i am deeply in love with him. Hes a very ambitious guy, he puts his career on top and hes till in closet to everyone. I just have a feeling that if oneday, our relationship risks his career, he will leave me for sure.

Do i have a prejudice on bi guys?

 

[puka-pride]

nope

dating a bi guy can be tricky...

number one are they areally bi or just say that because of the transition...

if they are really bi then do they want the classic lifestyle.. wife... kids...

could it be a husband and kids.... ( i have met a guy that wouldn't mind a husband or a wife as long as he was in love and they would have kids

but whatever the only thing that isn't right is the whole u not being ok with him being bi

that is kinda catagorizing him....

but whatever

did that make sense?

i'm rambling

but whatever.. it shouldn't matter gay or bi as long as he isn't ashamed of himself for liking the cock (which it sounds like he is since he isn't out and avoided the subject of being bi) and it shouldn't matter as long as the idea of never having pussy again only cock is ok with him

 

[racer2438]

glad you stood for your pricipals, you dont need drama. You where short and to the point as to what you needed and he was not and danced around your questions.

which may mean he is not ready and alot of issues will come up.

So play safe rather than sorry. Continue your seach for what makes you happy, and what you need.

 

[glo-unit]

You do have some prejudice against bi's, but there are much worst cases. I think the stereotyping of bisexuals is wrong and saying you don't want to date a bi guy is wrong. He may be bi and he may care a great deal about you and saying you don't want to date someone bi may have hurt him.

I would say everything comes second to your relationship. You and your boyfriend should discuss were both of you see this relationship going. If you are not compatible there it is probably time to end the relationship. If you are compatible though then comes the stickier things like: can you get over him being bi, or can he really picture himself settling down with another man.

 

[BlondeCanadian]

This is what i do not get....
some friends of mine do this kind of stuff too. Why can you not just feel this relationship out why must you be guaranteed of a future at the beginning of a relationship. If he likes you and you like him what is the problem??. If he likes you he is not going to want to hurt you so even if you do break up you will have that nice relationship... IT is almost self sabotage imo....


This could just be my personality because i am super laid back but i think if you like the guy then make the best out of the situation dont read too much into it and just enjoy what you have (a guy who obviousily likes you)

 

[tydd1985]

This is what i do not get....

I dont need dramas, rather being on shelf then ending up in a bad relationship.

 

[Lube]

You can't exactly force these things...

No, but like he said, he's protecting his heart. No point in going after something that isn't going to hang around for the long haul.

I thought he did the right thing. Many (not all, of course) "bi" guys are gays who haven't accepted themselves. How can gay men say that? Because we've done it ourselves.

 

[Lube]

^ Oh, of course his date took offense. That was the point. He might as well have said, "Are you comfortable with your sexuality?" and they would have run away just as quickly.

Yeah, I think neither the OP nor you are wrong. Just looking at it from opposite perspectives. But I lean towards the OP. I don't want to invest time in someone who is not willing to invest time in me. He didn't ask his date to commit now. He simply asked him if he'd be able to commit to a gay guy, ever.

 

[smoothebottom]

I dont need dramas, rather being on shelf then ending up in a bad relationship.

Honestly....
It sounds like you were the drama, you have your prejudices against bi's, and you created a weird situation which was a turn off to yourself.

think about it:
Asking him about what he wants to do in life, about his family, and so on. You're giving the guy the third degree, and you barely know him. While at it, you're making judgments of every single thing that sets off your sensors. get a grip dude.

When I met a guy, or girl, or on a first date: I just want to talk about fun stuff. What do you like to do, what do you do, etc. I wanna have fun with person, and know that he's gonna be fun later on. Not about my career, family, my love, what i plan to do when I'm 40!(are you kidding me?), etc. If someone wants to talk about that stuff to me, pre-first date or during the first date, my own sensors go off, which are : this guy is out on the prowl to get "married" (whatever that means wherever you are), possibly a needy or desperate person, hoping to get serious quickly! Its like telling some guy you love him on the second date!
Questions like those are best left later. Second, third date etc. Once the two of you are establishing yourselves as a couple. If you dont like what he has to say, or sense some bullshit, you can tell him that its been fun but its not what you want. All of this, and you can "save yourself from being heartbroken" because you havent been seeing him for more than a month by now.

All in all, blaming it on his bisexuality is nothing more than a personal stereotype of yours, thats going to keep you from some really good guys.
As puka-pride said, he might claim bisexuality because of the transition. One great guy may bring him out of the closet in to being fully gay to the world. But even if he's bisexual because he genuinely likes both, doesnt mean he wouldnt maintain a serious lasting relationship with either. Im bi, and I would honestly maintain a serious relationship with either.

 

[screwnutty]

I met a guy lately, we are geting to know each other and everything is going pretty well.

Last night, i brought up a question 'are you bi or gay?' (since i noticed he had claimed hes bi in his profile) and it seemed to make a tension between us.

He tried to avoid the question by answering 'is that a matter?'

I said 'somehow, 'coz there are many cases, bi guys make an excuse of changing his mind, wanna settle down with a women, have a normal life and enjoy happiness like everyone else. I really dont wanna be a temporary boyfriend just for a while before my boyfriend go get married'

And then he was silent for seconds then changed the topic.

But i was keen on getting know if hes bi, so i ask another question "so what are ur goals which u wanna achieve when ur 40?'. And he all talked about his career and didnt mention a word about love life, just like he answer an interview for a new job.

Then i asked "how about ur love and family?". Once again, he avoid the question and change the topic.

I wanna know him very well, and no secret between us, 'coz thats how a relationship works. Right? So, after 15 mins I politely reminded the issue 'i didnt know that asking if ur gay or bi would bring up such a wide issue like this'

Then he asked me 'do u wanna have a relationship with a bi guy?'

I answered 'nope' (i answered very honestly)

And then he said i might have many difficulties to work through if i wanna be with him 'coz hes a complicated guy.

----

I know i pushed the issue a bit hard. On my defensive side, i like him and he likes me, but i rather let my heart break early before i am deeply in love with him. Hes a very ambitious guy, he puts his career on top and hes till in closet to everyone. I just have a feeling that if oneday, our relationship risks his career, he will leave me for sure.

Do i have a prejudice on bi guys?

Stick to your guns tydd1985!

I was in a long relationship with a bi guy that i meet in Grade 11. At first he said he was gay like me...but as time when on and we went off to college, his views started to change. We last 12 years before a girl from work approached him and asked him out. That was 5 years ago. Suddenly i went from being the best thing in his life to a dirty reminder of what he use to do. He broke up with me, told me he was straight the whole time and was just looking to get off. We don't talk to each other anymore and she knows about me cause i told her. A mutual friend of ours informed me that as of last week.....they are engaged.

Should you date a bi guy? Yeah...if he likes you and you like him then go for it. But if things start to get serious then you know that you must find out were his loyalties lie. In the end, sometimes a broken heart is worth it, even if you don't stick together.

 

[tydd1985]

I was in a long relationship with a bi guy that i meet in Grade 11. At first he said he was gay like me...but as time when on and we went off to college, his views started to change. We last 12 years before a girl from work approached him and asked him out. That was 5 years ago. Suddenly i went from being the best thing in his life to a dirty reminder of what he use to do. He broke up with me, told me he was straight the whole time and was just looking to get off. We don't talk to each other anymore and she knows about me cause i told her. A mutual friend of ours informed me that as of last week.....they are engaged.

Should you date a bi guy? Yeah...if he likes you and you like him then go for it. But if things start to get serious then you know that you must find out were his loyalties lie. In the end, sometimes a broken heart is worth it, even if you don't stick together.

Thats a very typically sad story of a bi relationship.

He didn't ask his date to commit now. He simply asked him if he'd be able to commit to a gay guy, ever.

Agree, I didnt ask him to marry me or make any commiment. I just simple asked him if hes bi which he didnt wanna talk about because he felt guilty. He felt guilty because he was lying to himself that settling down with a woman makes him happier.

 

[tydd1985]

So u give me an explanation why the heck that guy kept avoiding the question if hes bi.

---

i have felt a bit down 'coz of his avoiding the question. And he knew that. What a sensitive guy. He kept texting me everyday wish me a goodday, and i replied very politely but not as passionate as the ones i had texted him before.

Lastnight, he texted me, then i replied in the same distant way, after reading my reply, he texted me "if i dont send u a text, it seems that u wont text me, rite?" When I was thinking should i say 'yes' honestly, he called me and it was 11 pm at night...

I know he likes me, as i like him too. Maybe i should have a go with this guy. I just remember someone told me that life is like a train, u have to to go pass by many stations to arrive the final destination. And even if he is not the final destiation, even he may break my heart later, i still treasure the good time with him.

 

[tydd1985]

Because you were making it a problem. You were basically telling him that you don't trust him enough to be in a relationship, and you said yourself that he was the one who said it shouldn't matter. I'm not surprised he was being avoidant with you

Do u mean that he was afraid that telling hes bi will drive me away?

I believe that many guys had 'a matter' with him since they found hes bi. Thats why he asked me "is that a matter" at the 1st time i brought the question "are u gay or bi?"

I asked him thousands of questions before (as he asked me too), and this is the 1st time he ve answered me by another question "is that a matter?"

And why the heck is that? Plz give me another explanation.

 

[screwnutty]

I know he likes me, as i like him too. Maybe i should have a go with this guy. I just remember someone told me that life is like a train, u have to to go pass by many stations to arrive the final destination. And even if he is not the final destiation, even he may break my heart later, i still treasure the good time with him.

Sometimes its better to have loved and lost....then to never love at all.

I don't know....my experience was bad and I know that if I was ever to fall for a bi guy again....it would take time. I'm hurt and wounded. Hopefully, if he really likes me back that he'll understand that and take his time. If not then he wasn't really the right guy to be with.

Follow your heart. I think any experience you can gain from this relationship might be helpful later in life.

Best of luck to you!

 

[tydd1985]

Thank you! Hard to find a guy with a great heart like u, screwnutty, if i live near you, i would ask u out for sure ^_^

 

[BlondeCanadian]

Screwnutty i do not know if your experience was very representative of him being bi...It seems like he was just a jackass....If it was a gay guy instead of a bi guy he might have left you the moment a hotter guy asked him out...The situation sucks though and i hope you get back on your feet..

Tyd would you feel the same way if someone you had just met had been like are you gay? meanwhile vibing if your gay we will have a problem...Would you avoid the question or be uncomfortable? also imo you should count yourself lucky that he still texts you and wants to see you

 

[screwnutty]

Thank you! Hard to find a guy with a great heart like u, screwnutty, if i live near you, i would ask u out for sure ^_^

Thanks tydd1985. I'm just here to help in whatever way I can...just like my favourite fictional character, The Doctor!

I dont know how old you are, but if your handle has anything to do with your birth year...i may be a tad to old for you!

Thanks again for the compliment. The only sad part of being the "nice guy" is that we tend to finish last! But oh well, you have given me a reason to smile today and that's 100 times better then a relationship! So thank you!

 

[screwnutty]

Screwnutty i do not know if your experience was very representative of him being bi...It seems like he was just a jackass....If it was a gay guy instead of a bi guy he might have left you the moment a hotter guy asked him out...The situation sucks though and i hope you get back on your feet..

Thanks BlondeCanadian. It's been 5 years and the worst past me along time ago! All that annoys the hell out of me today is the reason "Why?". But I'm never going to know that so I do try to not think about it....kind of failing these days! LOL.

I just hope he marrying the girl for the right reasons. I don't know why but I'd feel really bad if they have kids and then one day he just decides he gay again. But thats really none of my business or problem anymore. Still feel bad for the children though.

 

[tydd1985]

hotter guy asked him out...The situation sucks though and i hope you get back on your feet..

I rather lose my boyfriend to a hotter + smarter + sweeter + richer guy then a woman. What a shame. I cant compete with her 'coz i cant give birth or a 'normal' family.

 

[hanshansen]

I rather lose my boyfriend to a hotter + smarter + sweeter + richer guy then a woman. What a shame. I cant compete with her 'coz i cant give birth or a 'normal' family.

Sorry, but this is just stupid. If you lost your boyfriend to a hotter + smarter + sweeter + richer guy, then you competed, and you lost. Why is that better?

People with unresolved issues and commitment fears exist everywhere. You see it constantly in hetero relationships. You won't avoid them by steering clear of bi guys.

If he is closeted and you are concerned he will put his career above you, that is a serious issue to talk through. It has nothing to do with him being bi.

You might want to find out how he has dealt with other relationships and how he deals with other people in his life (friends, family). Some people are able and willing to make sacrifices for their loved ones, others aren't.