Relationship with Bi

[tydd1985]

If you lost your boyfriend to a hotter + smarter + sweeter + richer guy, then you competed, and you lost. Why is that better?

Then i know my weakness and i will fix or improve it.

You might want to find out how he has dealt with other relationships and how he deals with other people in his life (friends, family).

Because he is closeted, i dont think hes gonna introduce me to his family, friends or colleagues.

Some people are able and willing to make sacrifices for their loved ones, others aren't.

Are u asking other ppl sacrify for you, or its u who will sacrify ur life for a guy?

If he just simply admits hes bi, and let me know he intends to settle down with whoever he loves. Its gonna be much easier.

 

[hanshansen]

Then i know my weakness and i will fix or improve it.

What makes you think you can?

Because he is closeted, i dont think hes gonna introduce me to his family, friends or colleagues.

So he isn't going to let you be part of his life. That's something you might want to talk to him about.

Are u asking other ppl sacrify for you, or its u who will sacrify ur life for a guy?

I'm asking, is he the kind of person who would make sacrifices to be with you?

If he just simply admits hes bi, and let me know he intends to settle down with whoever he loves. Its gonna be much easier.

The question is, how willing would he be to settle down with you. That's what you want to know, right?

 

[tydd1985]

The question is, how willing would he be to settle down with a guy (doesnt have to be me). That's what I want to know!

What makes you think you can?

Trust me baby, i changed a lot after each breaking up. I had orthodentist and eye operation after breaking with my 1st love. I applied for a master degree after the 2nd. Then went to the gym after the 3rd. Physically pain and having a busy mind have helped me alot in healing my broken heart.

But for sure, i wont have a sex change operation!

 

[hanshansen]

The question is, how willing would he be to settle down with a guy (doesnt have to be me). That's what I want to know!

Why? What do you care what he does with another hypothetical guy? Don't you want him to settle down with you?

Trust me baby, i changed a lot after each breaking up. I had orthodentist and eye operation after breaking with my 1st love. I applied for a master degree after the 2nd. Then went to the gym after the 3rd.

None of that got you back together with the guys you broke up with, did it?

 

[hanshansen]

Just so you know, I'm not asking tricky questions for the fun of it.

I think you're spending too much time asking hypothetical questions which have little bearing on your particular situation. Would my boyfriend be willing to settle down with random guy X? Would guys X, Y and Z still be with me if they'd seen me with better teeth and eyesight, a Masters degree, and bigger muscles?

My very strong recommendation: focus on the specifics of your situation. You're dealing with a guy who is totally closeted and very career-focused. You're concerned that he'll bail on you as soon as your presence causes him problems with his career or with his family. Those are the things to confront him about - you're more likely to get him to take you seriously.

FWIW 1: If someone asked me 'Would you be willing to commit to a guy and integrate him into your life', my answer would be 'It depends. If the guy is special enough AND seems to me to be the kind of person who could fit into a lifestyle I feel comfortable with and win the respect of the people who matter to me, then yes, I'd make sacrifices.'

FWIW 2: A good friend of mine is basically bi. He broke up with his girlfriend about a year ago and is now living with a guy. His parents were not happy about that at all, many people from his 'past life' still do not know. This is a source of tension between him and his boyfriend. But my friend is building up a 'new' out life that he seems to be reasonably happy in, he cares about his boyfriend, and given enough time his 'old' life will probably adjust. So far he and the boyfriend are sticking at it, and I believe they'll probably continue to do so. But there are no guarantees in life.

 

[Sammael]

I didn't read all the posts so I'll reply to tydd1985.

I'm bisexual too. And if my gay date asks me whether I would commit to a guy for a lifetime, I would say "yes definitely" and tell him the reasons why I'm sure about that. But when you told him "somehow, 'coz there are many cases, bi guys make an excuse of changing his mind, wanna settle down with a women, have a normal life and enjoy happiness like everyone else. I really dont wanna be a temporary boyfriend just for a while before my boyfriend go get married" he ignored it. Then you told him "how about ur love and family?" and he ignored it again. I think it is just rude to ignore important questions coming from a date like that. Because you may not want to go on with the relationship depending on the answers so if you go on with the relationship without knowing the answers, it'll be a waste of time. Honestly even though I'm bisexual, I wouldn't be with a bisexual guy like that if I'm looking for a long term relationship and not just a hook up. But the good thing is that at least he didn't lie to you by saying that he's gay or he would commit to a life long relationship etc.

 

[D-Base]

In my experience, bi guys are always a risk. I made the mistake to fall for a few back in the days... in the end, you are never good enough to make them commit. There is the woman for that.

Besides in my experience with bi guys they always look at you as a sexual object and it all ends pretty much there. Maybe I've met the wrong bi guys... who knows, maybe they were just afraid and deeply in the closed. I dunno. But I've learned my lesson and I'm very cautious when it comes to messing around with a bi hawtie.

 

[Lube]

FWIW 1: If someone asked me 'Would you be willing to commit to a guy and integrate him into your life', my answer would be 'It depends. If the guy is special enough AND seems to me to be the kind of person who could fit into a lifestyle I feel comfortable with and win the respect of the people who matter to me, then yes, I'd make sacrifices.'

That's pretty lame.

You want your friends/family to like him, but it should not be a prerequisite. I think you need to rethink that stance.

My mom recently told me that one of the guys I dated was "too effeminate". I was like "Fuck you!". (I thought it; I didn't actually say it.) I will date whomever I want to, and there is no litmus test from my mother or anyone else. I make the decision.

 

[hanshansen]

My mom recently told me that one of the guys I dated was "too effeminate". I was like "Fuck you!". (I thought it; I didn't actually say it.) I will date whomever I want to, and there is no litmus test from my mother or anyone else. I make the decision.

Yeah, totally, I didn't mean it as a litmus test.

I took care to say 'people who matter'. I guess at the very least in this kind of situation you end up having to think about who (or what) matters to you and how much. I assume you don't hang out with your mother that often ;-).

What I meant is, at some point you ask yourself, 'could I accept the sacrifices that I'd need to make to build a life with this person'. And with some people the answer is just 'no', you can't see any way of integrating the world you live in and the world they live in, or your goals and their goals.

Maybe this is an issue for closeted or semi-closeted people. I've only met one guy so far for whom my answer to that question would have been an unambiguous 'yes'. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way.

 

[Lube]

Maybe this is an issue for closeted or semi-closeted people

Yeah, when I first came out, the first guy I dated for more than a few months was a very out guy, very active in the gay community, and very well known. So by hanging around him, people had to know I was gay (even if they didn't figure out I was his bf).

That kinda dragged me through the process of being totally out, very, very quickly. It was tough and scary at first. But it taught me a lot, and I became more comfortable with myself and with being out very quickly.