"Relationship" woes

[luminum]

You know, why were you breaking up with someone for your friend? What business is it of hers who you're sleeping with? Do you tell her who she can and cannot have sex with? Does she quell her sexual relationships just to make you feel better?

If you're being safe, then you owe her nothing else. It's your life.

If there were legitimate reasons (like you said, the website suspicion, his possibly unsafe sexual practices) that were too much for you, then I think it was a good decision to break it off. But if you only did it to make your friend happy for some reason, you may have short changed yourself.

I'm sure you'll find more people, fuck buddies or legitimate relationships. You just ended one, right? So it's not impossible.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Your initial problem was the age difference between the two of you. You seemed to have been uncomfortable with it but at the same time, the sexual part of the relationship did work for you, and you were lacking the guts to cut it on your own, though this was apparently what you really wanted to do. Briefly, the sex was good, but the dude was too old and thus, not really presentable among your friends. You did not quite see him as your long-term prospect.

It looks like that you found a great excuse by letting your good friend influence you to the point of sending your 'BF' that 'Dear Joe' text.

Now, you are on your own. You miss the big, good part (pun intended) and are wondering about what's ahead of you?
---

You want to learn from this experience as much as you possibly can.

#1
Always think hard and always think long. If you choose to hook up with another guy, make sure that you understand that your decision makes your later regrets and postcoital remorse completely irrelevant. If the guy does not meet your criteria, he is out.

#2
We are talking your life here. Not your best friend's life. You call shots. You hook up with whom you find fit. Seeking her approval and using her as an excuse for your actions shows us that you still need to grow and mature. You are barely making your first steps...

#3
Lots of people will tell you what to do all along. Like in: 'go for him' or 'dump him'. Or whatever. But you must decide and you must live with your decisions. They really bear no consequence for the actions they inspired and thus, their advice is really cheap. They are sort of training themselves on you. Do you really want to be their guinea pig?

#4
Expressing wishes vs. your partner, like in: we want to spend more time together and do more things together, etc., is all fine. But not sufficient. Do not expect anyone to really promote your agenda. If you like the dude and want to spend more quality time with him outside the bedroom context, go for it. Show initiative and make plans. You want to achieve something? You take the lead. The other dude will follow.

#5
Safe sex is not open for debate and discussion. Period. End of Story.

#6
No one's life really begins with you. Your future BFs will also have their respective histories just like you already have your own after this little episode. Worrying about their presence on one or the other site or their massaging around is justified. Yet, it is only up to you to take that issue with your BF and decide to trust him or dump him.

SC

 

[RyanKilter]

Dude, welcome to JUB btw it's the BEST thing.
Hmmm what's this about an older man? That there's my lot in life. Personally I'd like a bf closer to my age but an older f-buddy is nice indeed. A few months ago I left a very similar relationship, all sex sex sex... the only problem was that I was the top and here as a submissive older guy.... not what I had in mind.

But... life goes on, we're all gunna be pessimistic to a point, just don't let it prevent you from taking a chance for love, real love, now and then.

 

[NickCole]

So now I'll probably be single for life, and pessimistic about every relationship I may ever get close to. It'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

Your life is going to be what you make it.

This will probably be nowhere near the worst experience you'll have with men and sex and relationships.

Those of us who have had spectacular soaring experiences with men have also been emotionally beaten to the ground -- not necessarily by the same guy. That's the way it goes. The fun experiences feel great and the crummy ones provide a chance to grow and evolve.

If your first sex was exciting and wonderful, even if it didn't turn into a relationship, you're miles ahead of most guys. Including me. My first sex was horrible and I was suicidal the next morning.

Take what's good from a situation and treasure it; take what wasn't good and learn from it. You're just starting out. You have a hell of a ride ahead of you. Enjoy it.

 

[FabFairy]

Welcome Phaethon to our little forum.

Life is experience and as NickCole has said it could have been far worse. It is a shame you ended it to please a friend because they didn't like the age difference. You did yourself a great dis-service you were I gather enjoying the experience and experimentation and having fun.

Through-out life you will find yourself in many situations that as a young person never thought you would ever entertain and not all your friends will agree with so it is important that you live your life as you see it and not bend to someone elses standards or hang ups.

Just because your friend goes to a website each day doesnt make him a two timing rat unless there was a sticky keyboard. Just take this website for instance the best on the net. You have something for everyone and points of view that you would not normally have access to. Some you will agree with and others you would sooner forget but the most important thing is that it will give you an in-site or a new way of looking at it that could in future help you.

In life we all tell little white lies so I gather yours was because you wanted to hook up and to keep your friends off your back. When they found out it would have been the perfect opportunity to tell you were enjoying the experience and to butt out but you folded, WHY?

The situation in the end is that of your own making because you choose to follow someone's advice/hangups/point-of-view so there is no need to be pessimistic just learn from your mistakes.

 

[gotdimples77]

lol...nice choice of SN. if your avatar is you, you are plenty cute and I dont think you will lack for lovers. Sometimes thats not always great cause alot will be like your friend there. youll get better at sniffing them out in advance though. you really dont need to keep the first one that comes along, you just need to realize within yourself what you are looking for. Its ok to hook up if thats what you want...its not really ok to hook up if you want a relationship or something meaningful. Not everybody sticks to this rule though so you do have to be careful.
I wouldnt worry about the lying to the friend thing...yer both young youll figure it out. of the two issues figuring out what you want between love and sex is the trickier thing...

 

[confusedboy23]

You've had your suspicions to begin with, and you were a bit iffy about the whole thing but you went on with it. Were you to blame? Absolutely NOT. You have just done what most guys your age would have done. I ain't saying that I'm more mature or whatever, but we learn from our mistakes and I always like to think that
they make us better people, stronger to begin with.

He told you that the both you were 'boyfriends' and NO, don't think that you were naive to believe him. Words are not to played with and that especially applies when they affect one's feelings. He has been careless, if not a coward to have said what he has said. I'd say you deserve better but that's not up to me to judge.

I'm not sure if there were any connection between you and him in other apsects of life - besides SEX. I mean, do you guys share the same sort of interests or beliefs, or whatever. If there were, then you were all the more NOT naive to have pursued that so-called relationship with him.

They say time will heal, and I know it too darn well, that the healing process will hurt just as much. Be strong my friend, and in time, you will be fine. You will make better judgments, and you will end up happier. It's OK for you to think that you'll never end up happy for now, but I know you will realise how wrong you will be when that next guy comes along. Allow yourself time, and just keep yourself open.

Here's me wishing you all the very best.

 

[WYSIWYG]

Realationships are a two way street, whether it is someone you want to be with in the same age group or older. Some men prefer men their own age, and some prefer older guys. I am lucky that my 30 year old bf is in love with this "older" guy.

You say you have lied to your parents and lied to your girl "friend" about what you were doing, I would not consider that to be an honest approach to what your doing, but to each his own.

You met this guy, and I am assumng you wanted just sex? Yes? Were you looking for more? Not sure of the answer.

I will say that your not totally to blame here, he never contacted you after you sent him your Dear John letter, but since you lied with others and to him in your letter, perhaps he read between the lines of your message to him. I thnk that perhaps both of you were not really looking for anything long term here....

As for being alone etc., this was your first encounter right? Why judge this one situation with this one guy and say you wil be single for life? There are plenty of guys out there....if your interested in a guy and want more than a one nighter you will find him. Same in the Hetero world, you need to meet many before you find the one for you.

Keep looking and you will be rewarded mate!

 

[NickCole]

You're very young and you're cute and you're going to have a wonderful life with lots of men pursuing you. Let this one go.

I don't know him or you or the situation but I'll tell you what the other side might be like.

When I was 30 or 31 I was heavily involved in AIDS support stuff. One of which was going to schools and giving safer sex workshops. I gave tons of them. At one college I met a Freshmen who was very cute and sweet and took a liking to me. He asked me out, gave me his number, I told him it wouldn't be right. He called me several times at the AIDS project and left messages, to the point that it became kind of a running joke, the 19 year old who had a thing for me. I didn't return his calls because I didn't want to encourage him. Then he took a bus from his school to the AIDS project to see me. I wasn't there but he spoke with a couple of staff members. When I showed up that afternoon the guys deluged me with envy and excitement, couldn't believe I hadn't returned the kid's calls. "You HAVE to call him!" He really was very good looking and had an adorable personality. So with their urging I called him and we went on a date. We had a great time and I thought well maybe I was wrong. We went out again. And again. It was fun, silly, totally in the moment. He was a terrific guy, smart, cheerful, curious, adventurous. Great companion. We didn't talk about my stuff or his stuff, we went out and shared whatever happened as it happened. We slept together. That was great, too. But after a few weeks I started to feel a little more uncomfortable all the time. Eleven years is not a big gap. When I was 29 I dated a guy 22 years older and barely felt it; but those particular years, between 19 and 30, is an era. I really had nothing in common with him. I had to break up with him because although I enjoyed his company and sex was wonderful, we were in totally different places in our lives, and when he talked about his concerns or I talked about mine we were in different universes. That doesn't matter when you're surfing or having sex, but eventually in a relationship you have to talk -- or anyway I do -- about what's inside. What I'm saying is those particular years, late teens to late 20s, is a period of huge change and it's rare that coupling --a real relationship-- can work between guys at the edges of that span. When you're a few years older, I hope age difference won't be an issue for you --as it seems to not be today-- but right now, well it's probably best if you find guys closer to your own age.

Maybe that's relevant to your situation and maybe it's not; I wrote it for you in case it might be.

Good luck, and as I said earlier, enjoy the memory of that wonderful first sexual experience. You're off to a great start; try not to let disappointment interfere too much.

 

[aleisterc2003]

learn from others experiences and take their advice to heart. think before you act, and always, i learned this the hard way....take things for what they are and nothing more. you'll learn with time how to read the signs. take care, and be as optimistic or pessimistic as you want.