Relationships - how do you give condolences that your ex died in a drug induced argument?

[luckynumbah7]

Yeah.....hey. I think I'm in a bit of a shock.

I was looking up people on facebook, those people in my early twenties that I haven't seen in ages, and apparently the couple (they were dating) I used to live with for, oh, 5 years or so before I moved (used to date the woman of the pair) died.

Apparently S. killed her by accident two months ago and is being charged with homicide. One of the sad things is I can't say I'm surprised. P. tended towards irresponsible use of drugs no one should take and alcoholism, and so did he. Tox report said they both had alcohol and bath salts in their system. She also tended to be physically abusive - the catcher is, he wasn't. I saw a lot of him trying to keep her from hitting him but nothing in the realms of him hitting her, et cetera and so forth. From what I've gathered, she bit him and he was trying to get her to let go of his finger.

It didn't work out.

So, I'm visiting my parents for the holidays and I always see the dead wife's siblings (one of her brothers lives across the hall from my mother, and one of her sisters works with my mother - she had 9 siblings, so I know I'm going to run into several)

What the fuck do I do? How the hell do you give condolences in that kind of situation? "I'm sorry for your loss" doesn't seem to cut it. Maybe I'll get lucky and no one will bring it up, but s'doubtful.

 

[luckynumbah7]

I mean, I checked websites and they suggest sharing a sentence or two of memories for condolences, but that's really not a good idea here, since I can't think of something good and google is failing me. She wasn't a bad human being, but she was a very angry one who refused to take classes or see a therapist. And now her husbands' on trial and....yeah. I dunno what to say to him either, (I don't even know if he's out of jail - I doubt it, according to the paper) but I wanted to give him condolences as well. I do know they loved each other very much, but that's not exactly something I imagine most of her family would want to hear.

 

[Seasoned]

A human being is dead and another will be on trial. It's sad and tragic and acknowledging that to their loved ones seems appropriate.

 

[luckynumbah7]

A human being is dead and another will be on trial. It's sad and tragic and acknowledging that to their loved ones seems appropriate.

Well, yes. That's why I posted. The point is, I don't know how. "My condolences" sound cheap and I can't seem to dredge up a fond memory to give their relatives that didn't have them doing either something illegal or crass in it. I need help on what to say.

 

[Chiboi115]

Just breath a spirit of compassion, keep it brief, acknowledge it, but don't come across as not yourself. And don't sound canned. How you say something is as important as what you say. As much as you want to do something about it, the truth is you can't. They're going through so much right now that just your compassionate presence is all you can give. If you try to say too much or make it a long conversation, you make it about you instead of them and that's NOT what they need right now. If they choose to open up, let them do the talking. If they don't, don't take it personally.

 

[justsimon]

"I was really sorry to hear about your sister."

 

[medic1]

That is a dilemma,i would speak openly and honestly from the heart. I know kind of Mills and Boon crap,but it is what i would do.
You may find yourself paying them more honour and respect than you realise.