Relationships without sex?? Making me crazy!

[Chuck09]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now. I'm 23 and he's 35. When we first got together, he would talk about how he would have sex with his exes and stuff all the time, sometimes twice a day, and they would play with toys and everything, etc. It bothered me that he talked about it but he doesn't anymore but that fact that they did it all the time is the point here...we have never had a time where we had sex a lot. He NEVER want's sex. He tells me he will give it to me if I'm nice and make him feel better and if we get some privacy so I give him massages and I live alone now so we have privacy and do everything he asks and I rarely get sex and it drives me crazy! I LOVE to have sex, it makes me feel like he likes me and wants to be with me (I'm not at all interested in having sex with other guys though, I want it with him). His other excuse is that he's old and just doesn't want to do it anymore because he's old and tired. But I don't believe that. The point that I'm getting to is that it just makes me feel like he doesn't want me that way...is that bad?? I mean, I will even start playing with him and get him hard and be sucking him and everything and he can just tell me to get off and roll over at go to bed like he's completely uninterested. He know's how I feel but now when I bring it up, it starts a fight. I'm not sure where to go with this anymore but I'm gonna need something to happen soon. It drives me crazy. Also, I'm the bottom and he's the top. help!

 

[Seasoned]

It's time to tell him if isn't interested in sex he needs to seek some medical advice as to why and if things don't change you'll need to end the relationship. Enough is enough.

Any chance he's getting it somewhere else?

 

[Chuck09]

I'm 99.9 percent positive he's not getting it somewhere else.

The only bad thing about your option is that he has no desire to get help about it. He claim's he's just tired and and it takes up too much time and stupid excuses like that. It makes me feel like crap. But at the same time, its no fun when I'm forcing to sleep with me. I want him to WANT to sleep with me.

 

[Rolyo85]

It's a little confusing that your profile says "open relationship"...

Your bf sounds like an asshole, frankly. The attitude you describe is selfish, inconsiderate and even rude. He tells you to get off while you're blowing him? Dafuq?! That's extremely humiliating. And he makes you basically beg for it, like a carrot he's dangling in front of your face? Seems like he almost wants to frustrate you on purpose. Being a bottom and loving someone is not an open-ended invitation for emotional abuse, and you should not take it from him indefinitely.

We get these kinds of topics regularly, and unfortunately I can't give you any advice you'd like. Assuming he is not lying to you and getting his rocks off elsewhere, then your sex drives are just not compatible. It's biology, not love, that decides this issue. If he doesn't want sex, he doesn't want sex, and that's not a comment on your desirability, but simply his sex drive. And especially since he is not willing to change anything, there is nothing YOU can do to fix this, other than walking out of the relationship.

I know this sounds extreme, but what you need to think about is this. You are already frustrated enough that you felt the urge to post here. What happens in one year? 365 days of having to deal with his humiliating disdain for your sexual needs? What about 5 years? If he doesn't want sex, there are no magical ways for you to make him want sex. And even if he is lying to you and cheating... well, there is no magical way to fix that either. You are at the peak of your sexual life, and you should be with someone who can fulfill the needs that you have. Sex isn't everything, but getting as much of it as you need is KEY for a healthy relationship. Yours sounds extremely unhealthy at the moment, and the sex element seems to only be a part of that.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

35 is a bit young for it, but maybe he's having erectile dysfunction and just too embarrassed, or he's low in testosterone.

I think if a man doesn't want sex for extended periods it's not because he doesn't want to, but because he can't.

 

[sixthson]

Don't live like this. You are not equals in several ways. Time for you to move on.

 

[Telstra]

Maybe he is straight ...

 

[hylas]

relationships without sex: dont have them! (unless you want to!)

 

[LuckysRevenge]

The obvious question is why are you with this man?
Love doesn't make a relationship work. Actual work makes a relationship work. If you aren't doing the necessary things, like satisfying each others needs, then your relationship is really a sham.

I hate to be blunt but it seems he has no interest in satisfying you and you know it's not working out. If it's been this way for 2 years with little to no progress it's not getting better.

 

[Scealle]

Lol so many similar threads like this popping up, sometimes not sure what should I say, but anyways I hope things work out for you soon. It could be his age kicking in, but he did mention he was very sexually active with his ex'es right? In this case even after 2 years, it should be at least once a month or once per 2 months?

 

[Rolyo85]

So, we haven't heard from OP in a while.

 

[palbert]

35 is a bit young for it, but maybe he's having erectile dysfunction and just too embarrassed, or he's low in testosterone.

I think if a man doesn't want sex for extended periods it's not because he doesn't want to, but because he can't.

^^ This.

But, it does seem to be time to start exiting ....

 

[water90]

To me, sex is equally important as romance or love. You can have love and romance but I think sex is a such an intimate act that can connect two people together.

You can have a romantic connection but you need to also have a sexual connection for the relationship to work as well.

You guys need to talk about it once and for all and find any underlying problems if any. Otherwise I think if your needs are not met then end the relationship if he's not the one. Sounds very harsh but sex is important too. Don't cheat on him if anything, it can do a lot of emotional damage

 

[72-Jay]

Where can I find a guy like that?
Never dated so its hard to say for sure...but I believe/feel i'd be fine & happy with a 'love only/not sex' type relationship

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Sorry but i have no suggestions on the original question. and:

I will even start playing with him and get him hard and be sucking him and everything and he can just tell me to get off and roll over at go to bed like he's completely uninterested.

wow if someone was to do that to me...I don't think I'd be be able to tell him to stop/get off & then just roll over at go to bed, I'd have to let him finish...

 

[Wanderer82]

Maybe this talk will give you an insight or two in what may be going on:

"Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship"

 

[Special K]

I say dump him; sex is a natural expression of a couple's love for one another, and as far as I'm concerned, a sexless relationship is a loveless relationship. Move on, I have no doubt you could do so much better.

 

[Georgiadude]

Sorry to say it but I think he's full of it. Low testosterone is possible but you said you can suck on him and get him hard so ED doesnt sound like the issue. He's only 35 and making the age excuse. Fuck that bullshit. I'm 46 almost 47 and I could have sex twice a day. He's making a convenient excuse I think this relationship has ran its course. He's lost interest and isn't man enough to tell you. I know It's easy for me to say this but end it and find someone You're more compatible with sexually. I'm still not convinced he's stepping out.

Steven