Religious schooling to blame?

[mexamor]

JD, That was very well said. I agree with you on your insight but I would like to add that promiscuity can inhibit intimacy. So we just have to be carefull about that aspect. You stated that when you mentioned honesty with ourselves and others/partners. Another cause for intimacy problems can also be abuse, which just adds to the already burdensome issues we face as gay men if that is true for us.

good luck to you NEdude.

 

[Christopher123]

I'm kind of the same way. Whether it has anything to do with being gay or not (per JD's article) I have no idea, but I'm terrified of getting close to anyone. I've only had one 'real' relationship, which was great, but he walked out of my life when him and his family moved clear across the country and bam, just like it, it was over. And I had no choice but to just deal with it.

Since then (and even before then, Josh was the only one I ever let completely through) I've built this 'wall' around me that I hide behind. I love sex and all that, but I don't want to get too close to anyone. So the sex thing, for me, is simple gratification and nothing more.

So I can kind of relate. It's not that I don't want intimacy, I'm just afraid of it. And on the flipside I tend to fall in love a little too easily, so I avoid the 'relationship scene' altogether. I know I'm only denying myself but maybe someday I'll get over it.

I hope you can come to terms with this, but I can't offer much in the way of advice. Just thought I'd chime in and say I sort of have the same problem, as far as having sex with someone I care about. If I care about someone as a person or feel 'close' to them, I avoid sexual relations.

 

[bulge]

Religion should never be allowed before coming of age. It is utterly dangerous.

 

[trawler69]

Yet again Christopher123 has beaten me to it.

I was dragged up as a Catholic and got away from it as soon as I could. It's hard to know what effect it had. I only had one relationship and that has now turned to best friendship, we still live together but not in a sexual realationship. I would love an intimate sexual relationship but I'm scared of it, how I'll react. The better I get to know someone the less important sex becomes although I love sex. So now if I do have sex it is not an annonymous fumble, there must be some mental connection, but there is never any thought of it going any further.

A Guy fell in love with me earlier this year and it was horrible, I felt so bad because I could not return the feelings, he was a really sweet guy but I felt stragled by his attentions and I think we really hurt each other and I blame myself.

Sorry rambled a bit there, I can't rule out the Catholic thing as I was very young, religious instruction from age 6 and I do understand the sexual / emotional barrier through experience but I don't know how to break it down. If anyone finds the answer let me know

 

[RicanDAB]

The quintessential example of a sexually rebellious Catholic school graduate would have to be Madonna - that is the first person that came to mind. That aside, I would have to say that in my experience those that have attended Catholic schools (like myself for 12 years) and other religious schools for that matter tend to be a little more liberal in their sexual appetites, and perhaps it is because of the taboo notions of sex that they tend to subconsciously want to explore. That is not to say public-school graduates are not similar - it has a lot to do with your upbringing as well.

Avoiding the risk of sounding Freudian, I would have to say that it's not unusual what you are going through and surrounding yourself with someone or others who shares your value system for sex and relationships would help to resolve any lingering insecurities that you have.

But plainly stated -- have fun dude!

 

[tavares]

Looks like I'm following behind Rican today (story of my life... but another story all the same).

Anyway...

But I never, ever have sex with someone who shares an emotional bond with me. Sex seems dirty and shameful, something to do in secret, with strangers who know nothing more than my first name.

I know the exact feeling. I'm celibate now, but for years it was the same thing... except most times it was with strangers who knew nothing more than my FAKE name! LOL!

But seriously, I was in a relationship for four months two years ago, and he wanted to have sex, but I just couldn't. I mean, I liked him. I liked being close to him, and cuddling with him, kissing him, sleeping in the same bed with him having his arms around me, and even daring attempts at PDA... but SEX was something I never wanted to do with him. And it's still something I don't see myself wanting to do with whoever I might have a real relationship with in the future.

I see it as being because so many times in my past, I've fallen in love or had crushes on people and those feelings were never returned in the same manner -- if at all. So I never got to express my sexuality with people I cared about. I only expressed it with people I didn't care about and just shared the common bond of physical lust in those said dirty, shameful, secret places and ways. So my perception of sex has been drastically altered to the point where I feel I can't have sex with someone I care about because it will seem like I'm bringing the shame, filth and guilt into the relationship and tainting it as well as myself.

It's almost like we've been raped, but we're the ones who raped ourselves.

Will I get over it? I don't know. I know that my sexual attraction is still alive and kicking, and when I was with my ex-boyfriend, everything was at full attention and the hormones were racing. It's just when it got to that critical point, I shut it down.

My spirituality has gotten deeper over the years, so that also affects me.

But to each his own journey. That's just my story.

 

[bulge]

The quintessential example of a sexually rebellious Catholic school graduate would have to be Madonna - that is the first person that came to mind. That aside, I would have to say that in my experience those that have attended Catholic schools (like myself for 12 years) and other religious schools for that matter tend to be a little more liberal in their sexual appetites, and perhaps it is because of the taboo notions of sex that they tend to subconsciously want to explore. That is not to say public-school graduates are not similar - it has a lot to do with your upbringing as well.

Avoiding the risk of sounding Freudian, I would have to say that it's not unusual what you are going through and surrounding yourself with someone or others who shares your value system for sex and relationships would help to resolve any lingering insecurities that you have.

But plainly stated -- have fun dude!

The first example coming in my mind is Robert Mapplethorpe.He diverted catholic art into something speaking right to the mind and the body.

 

[bulge]

I think boys should be raised in the full awareness of their bodies and especially of the polymorphous sexual pleasure it can give. They should be raised in the happy expectancy of their first sperm. The first sperm should be celebrated. They should especially be raised to be able to connect with each other and NOT in the first place to compete each other. They should not be castrated as is the case at present. Not only is their male side castrated, but their female side as well. They are loosers on all sides with the present education. A new definition of masculinity has to be found. The best definition is probably to define it as a toy a boy can play with at will.


I was raised strictly catholic as well and I wondered all the time why I was raised that way. It was not in keeping with whatever.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I'd try to stop wasting my time on putting any blame on anyone or anything, if I can help it.

A much more productive way out of the problem at hand might be to ask yourself, how soon can you re-invent yourself.

How soon can you move on and assume a completely new attitude?

How soon can you let your past be what it really is: your past but not your present and your future.

How soon can you wake up and say: I am in control of my life and I am calling the shots here.

SC