Revenge? Would you ever do it?

[thorne8791]

Ok, the short version of my story is after a bad breakup, and dealing with low self esteem and depression, I finally put myself out there after three years of being single. I was approached by a 28 yo closeted bi guy. Against my better judgement I agreed to have a date (I only ever dated slightly older than myself, never younger, or anyone so damn good looking as him). That led to him basically never leaving my house for two months, except to go to work.
He played me like a violin, knew all my insecureties, new how to act, what to say, what to do to get me to do whatever he wanted. Money, clothes, food, etc. I see this now, but didn't then. He's also Terrified of anyone at all finding out he's bi, so none of his friends could ever meet me. He even asked me to not act gay, to straight it up, on the one instance I might have met his then roomate.
Fast forward two months and he hits me with we need to be just buddies. But to him that meant all the boyfriend perks, with no sex. If I tried to end it I'd get the But don't you love me? You're the Only friend I have that understands me, all that bullshit using my feelings to keep on using me.
All this time he had been fucking a girl as well, which I was aware of. Eventually they broke up, she cheated on him.
Weeks go by, we still hung out, he'd only really text when he needed something, of course. Still, if I said no to something he'd give the How much do you love me speech hoping I'd give in. I even went on a few dates with other guys, trying to move on from him, but when he found out and saw their pictures, none of them were worth my time, according to him.
So more time goes by and he tells me he's taken her back, denying every bad thing he'd said she'd ever done. She went from whore to angel overnight. We had a huge hours long fight, which led to me attempting suicide by overdose that morning. It failed obviously, which has since led to my taking up drinking heavily every night just to dull my mind enough to not feel so bad about myself.
We sort of made up after, continued on in some fashion, but he's been distant the past few weeks, ignoring texts, only giving short replies when I text him. Tonight I find out he moved her into his place, that she's preggers, and that if I want to continue on as his friend I need to stop all texts that refer to my being gay, his being bi, our past sexual relationship, and all references to any guy I might go on a date with, because she reads his texts every day now, and she can't ever find out he's bi or that he hangs with a gay guy. I lost it. I called her every name in the book, I told him to fuck off. And he couldn't see why I had a problem with any of it. That's when I made the threats I'll list below.
Need to quickly mention here they both are heavy weed users, and they use other drugs as well. He already has two kids he doesn't see from a previous marriage, and she has one with a guy she had shacked up with. She gets stoned before going in to a good managerial job, and he supplies her weed. He was in prison, and currently has a dui. They also both fake urine tests at their jobs, he told me how they do it.

Now, I have all this info at my fingertips. Do I use it? Would you use it?

I can get them both fired. I can tell his ex everything I know so he'll really never see his kids again. I can call cps on her and they can inspect his house and find it full of drug paraphernalia. I can call the cops and he can go back to prison for having the drug paraphernalia. I can show everyone on his Facebook friends list the texts about his bisexuality and references to us having sex.

My mind is thinking, Do It. He used me, used my emotions, has no care at all that I was hurt by anything he did, and he was so adept at it, and at denying it, that he's had to have done it to other guys before. So, is revenge a viable option? I'm tired of turning the other cheek.

 

[aaggii]

Is it worth it? I mean, would you feel better doing all this stuff, or would it just be revenge and then you´d feel even more miserable? Outing someone is always a NO, gay, bi, whatever, we don´t like it when it´s done to us so we don´t do it to someone else, no matter what. At least that´s my way of seeing it.

Your moral obligation is to report if a minor is in danger, if his new kid is affected by their parents´ behaviour or actions. If something bad happens to the kid and you knew it could happen, it will affect you all your life.

Learn to leave it behind, don´t talk to him anymore, and see the few good things out of it: you´re smarter now, you have learned how to read people better, you can even write a book about it. You tried to change him to be a better person, but it didn´t work out - it´s not your fault, you tried your best but some people don´t change. He was one of those people.

Honestly, revenge won´t make you happy. A lot of people went through this, you got your ego hurt, but that´s part of life. You made some mistakes yourself, so what? That´s growing up.

 

[peeonme]

First, if you did it, he would know and then try to get back at you, do you want a permanent feud going? It could end in bodily harm or death.
Second, would getting them fired help the kids? I believe that there are 3 involved, how would they be affected?
Third, Do you really want to be "that guy"? Can you live with it?
Take the high road and forget about him, he has used up enough of your time.

 

[thorne8791]

Honestly, I don't care about the kids. I've never liked children, even when I was one. So if her kid gets taken and placed with her parents, I don't care. He once told me he was depressed, wanted to be alone because he missed his kids so much. Turns out he said that because she was there smoking weed and fucking. So he's not above using his kids in a lie.

Overall, I'm in hell now, so I doubt wrecking both their lives will make me feel any worse. I think about killing myself constantly anymore, if I can cause them a fraction of the pain I feel because of him before I do eventually end it, I'll be happy.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's a saying that you need to think about: Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.

What you're describing is a very typical codependent relationship- where the currency is emotional manipulation and enabling of dysfunctional behavior. Where most people would have kicked this guy out the door (literally and figuratively) and locked it behind him, you're still continuing a relationship with someone who is emotionally manipulative. And with your own reactions- a suicide attempt and these thoughts of revenge- you're using the same kind of emotional blackmail.

Working with a therapist to get some insight into your own behavior and to break this cycle. As the saying goes, "Being happy is the best revenge".

 

[eastofeden]

DO NOT use anything against either one of them.....

Instead...learn from your mistakes and consider it a blessing that you were able to learn from this guy. Horrible warnings serve their purpose..as much as if not more than s good example sometimes.....

Also....instead of revenge..spend that time coming to terms with the role you played in all of this. For instance..if he was not so good looking...or ugly in your opinion..would you have let him do the same thing to you? Also ask yourself why you allowed him to do what he did? A good therapist can help you understand your role if you can't see it on your own.

One final word...revenge is nasty business and it will become part of who you are if you engage in it...and you can't change that once it is done.

 

[thorne8791]

He's already texted me this morning begging that I not ruin what he's got going with the whore. He has the gall to ask where my sense of good and my soul is. He should know, he trampled on them after all.

Fuck him, fuck his whore, and fuck me. There's no stopping this now.

 

[jbrown329]

Best to just walk away.

 

[heir-to-the-wind]

Let it go, dude. You have already posted two threads, each describing a melodrama you got yourself into. Work on better judgment in choosing whom you hook up with. Otherwise, you will be living from one crisis to another, as many in the LGBT community do [''fag-o-drama'']. You know you're living a fag-o-drama when you're asked in gay bars or other places, ''Where are you living NOW. Where are you working NOW. Who are you with NOW.'' There is a sense of an unstable existence whenever a ''now'' is tacked on to the end of a statement or question.

 

[garylin]

Okay i have experience with the narcissit type you are describing, though not to the extent that you have had. I am not like the other posters here who are talking about the higher ground or being the better person, because I see this more in terms of justice than revenge, these people get away with shit because the prey on peoples niceness and insecurities, and they dont have to face the consquences because no one is hard hearted enough to really give them what they deserve.

So in a certain sense i can see a justification for wanting to teach them a leasson but see thats the thing, they will never learn the leasson no matter what you do they will actively ignore it, and frankly you dont have to do anything to give them a taste of justice, look at his life, i mean objectively it sounds really shitty and the thing is it will always be shitty and get shittier as he ages becuase his attitude and masked self hatered is building a world of misery and rejection all around him which he will never escape. IE shitty people have shitty lives.

I know in a sense you rightly feel abused and in a sense you feel like he has the upper hand becasue of how he used and devalued you, but again objectively you have a job, you support youself, you are generous and giving and if you move on and take this lesson and grow from it you have a real chance at true happiness true love and self fulfillment he will never have that honestly NEVER. So you can obsess about hurting him (and you will because its human nature so dont feel guilty about it) but just realize the longer you think about him in any ways positive or negative the more you allow his distorted view of the world to skew your own, causing you to stray from the path of happiness and then have to do a lot more work to get back on track ( mentally i mean) so my suggestion is to just treat him like what he really is a waste of space not worthy of your time or energy. REALLY HE IS NOT WORTH YOU or YOUR ATTENTION POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE. moving on is not about giving up it is about realizing that you are worth more than this pettiness.

Plus narcisst are notorious for wanting revenge (he wont see it as his own decisions ruinging his life, and he wont even see how his own actions lead to you taking revenge, he will only think of you as evil and desperate and do everthing he can to destroy you) which mayb u think u want cuz you think atleast bad attention is still a connection to him(its called trauma bonding) but trust me you dont want anything to do with him because again you are worth more.

And as a last bit of advice the thing about narcissit is that they skew your view of what is important, again you are putting true happiness on hold to get a chance to "win" against him but really winning will be an empty prize. look at your life revalute see what is actually infront of you and see all the reall happy potential you have , and realize that really he could never take any of that away from you (though he tried becasue ultimately naracissit just want everyone to be as miserable as they are on the inside) yeah he took stuff from you, youll get more (he will always depend on others for his things), yeah he took feeling from you but you have more(but when you felt love it felt good for you too so just find somone to share ahealthy love with and it will feel even better), yes he betrayed you but he cant make you a bitter person if you decide not to be. Get revenge if you feel its is necessary but really at then end of the day it will give you all the satisfaction that squashing a bug would, it wont add any value to your life and it wont make you feel better about you. Also please dont kill yourself for some worthless nothing.

 

[Telstra]

Just cut off your lost, mind your own business please, move on, get on with your life.
Unless you want serious problems with them !!!

 

[thorne8791]

@garylin...After reading up on narcissism...that's him, that's really him. Everything he does, everything he says, is centered on him. When called out for his shit, it's never his fault, or it's never anything negative about him, it's always you, or someone else, or your crazy.

I'm only seeing all this now in hindsight, not when we were actually together. I was blinded by thinking I had found the One, the perfect match, that he actually felt the same way, but it was all just a carefully scripted act. From the obsessive need for taking selfies constantly, to the first time I bought him food when I was out (a normal person would just be happy they were getting an unexpected treat, he instead texted back very specific commands about how he wanted it), to the 4am texts to please bring him coffee because he knows I'm happy to see him, to our fights where I would give specific instances where he had lied, or I felt he'd used me, and he'd vehemently deny or insist I was wrong even when the proof were his own texts.

Everything is very, very calculated, from the words he says, the way he bats his eyelashes and smiles at just the right time, the way he acts, right down to the disposable friends. The one he claims he came out to, an overweight younger girl who was sadly not attractive at all, and was clearly in love with him (even said he knew she was in love with him, but so what) and he was using her like me, for money and rides, yet he treated her worse than his dog. When he'd refer to her it was in joking, derogatory terms. And what he claims she did after he said he told her he's bi, I don't think she was smart enough to try blackmailing him like he said she did. Same with other "friends" of his that just suddenly vanished from conversations, never to be referenced again. And honestly, he's so terrified of anyone finding out he's bi, I just can't see him confiding that fact to anyone at all other than the man that's having sex with him. He used that story as the excuse to cut out the sex and intimacy from our relationship just days after I admitted I was in love with him. He knew he had me exactly where he wanted me. He even tested my devotion by finally admitting he'd been in prison for several years, and had done every drug known to man at least once. Both conversations were punctuated by him asking if I still felt the same way about him, that I wasn't going to walk away like so many others had.

During the argument that led to my suicide attempt I changed my netflix password, because he'd begged access to it, and several times during, and after, he kept referring to it, asking why I was punishing him by not letting him have access to it. I was in agony, crying on the phone, yet he just wanted that password so he could fall asleep to his shows.
Even after I talked to him about attempting to OD, days later, his only reply was That's Harsh, and can he please have access to my netflix, and that if I never talk bad about the whore we can stay friends.

Last night, when telling him what I was planning to do with all this info I have, there was no thought in his mind to say just say Sorry, I should have told you these things earlier, but no, his only concern is His relationship, His secrets, and that I should be perfectly fine censoring Myself to suit His current needs. That I should want to do that so that I can stay his friend!

He even said in his text this morning that they examine each other's phones now, so they can be honest and develop trust with each other, yet he's being dishonest with her by forcing me, and whoever else knows his secrets, into silence and censoring every word we say. If he's lying to the one person he says he loves, what's he doing to rest of us that he doesn't care about?

He needs to learn there's a price for using and hurting people like he does. That you can't abuse and use people and emotions this way without consequences.

 

[jbrown329]

Change your damn number and lose his. And don't give him your Netflix password. It's illegal and you can get in serious trouble for it. Don't believe me? Google is your friend.

 

[Telstra]

Just block his number and get out of trouble.
Stop it!!!

 

[eastofeden]

You might want to consider when you are digging his grave..dig one for yourself as well..because I guarantee this will cost you ....that is the nature of revenge and the consequences....

Living well...and success...is the best revenge....

A good thought about revenge....

Weak people revenge
Strong people forgive
Intelligent people ignore...

I had a situation which was actually much worse than yours with a similar man....he fucked my arch enemy to a cheering crowd when I walked into work....after years of abuse THAT I ALLOWED....

As soon as I could accomplish it...I owned my role in the dynamics of the relationship....I played one..we all do...and then I forgave him and sincerely wished him well.....

Today..I have been in a very happy 30+ year relationship..now marriage..with a wonderful man that would have NEVER been possible if I took the low road....

He has had many failed relationships and from what someone recently told me...he has done the same thing to each and every one of them (the abuse..not fucking their arch enemy to a cheering crowd... as far as I know anyway). My response...I STILL wish him well and hope he finds some peace and happiness in this life....

Though I want nothing to do with him and haven't since I left him..there is no satisfaction at all in wishing harm on him.

 

[garylin]

okay thats the narcisstic contagion talking, this is how it works narcissits feed you a bunch of narcassistic supply in the begin of the relationship making you feel amazing, because to them you are a reflection of themselves they build you up so so so high that you fall in love with the image they have of you, then they lose interest for one way or another and suddenly that beautiful you you used to see in their eyes is not there and you panic and want to see it again, so you chase them (but really your just chasing that elevated self image of yourself), and basically because youve become addicted to narcissistic supply and are now desperate to get validation though other people reactions to you you have become a proxy naracissit yourself. now your ego is so hurt that your thinking like a naracisst and seeking relief through temporary and ultimatlely unsatisfying external sources, instead of internal validation, the only way to stop feeling horrible way is to cut that thought pattern out and work on securing a healthy balanced self image.going any farther down this path will only skew your thinking into a more narcassitic way of thinking which can only lead to sadness (all narcissist are unhappy people no matter how happy they seem) , stop now or be prepared to have a much longer way back to a healthy recovery. thats the extent of my advice the rest is up to how healthy you are willing and able to be

 

[checkinthingsout]

Just block his number and get out of trouble.
Stop it!!!

Exactly this. You have wasted so much time and energy thinking about this guy. Time and energy that you could have been using to think about someone else.

Find someone or something else to obsess over.

 

[thorne8791]

I have gone on several dates with interested guys, had two horrific experiences, had two so-so experiences not worth mentioning, and one that I see every couple weeks. But after the relationship and collapse with him, there's absolutely nothing left inside me to give anyone else. It's just anger and sadness, or empty and dead. The one that I occasionally see is essentially a better clone of him. A few years younger than him, same exact body as him, same interests as him, same everything except this guy is actually a decent, caring human being that wants to see me. And yet I feel very little for him. I've tried, and keep trying to feel with him, but there's just nothing there emotionally for me. It has gotten a little better, where I was concerned and missed him a little after not hearing from him for two weeks, but that's not giving him what he deserves. I don't think I'm really capable of loving or caring anymore.

 

[garylin]

that is because you have become a proxy narcissit ( atleast you still have time to become normal human again), and since narcissit cant love, you cant be interested in anyone else, this is what i mean by telling you you need to get on the right path and probably establish your own self worth before really tryign to date again.

 

[garylin]

also since you have been in a relationship with a narcissit of this intensity it means you have codependet tendencies and codependents and narcissist are flip sides of the same coin so i would really suggest doing some reading and self work there is a great blog about these issues called the rawness check it out youll feel enlightened and so much better.