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Revenge? Would you ever do it?

without going back to read ...
It is safe for both of you to live together ?
 
thorne8791 said:
I just couldn't turn him away...
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Yes, you can. The issue is that you don't want to because of motivations that you still need to deal with in therapy.

thorne8791 said:
...I can't turn my back on someone that I care about that's hit rock bottom, and he really has. He has absolutely nothing and no one left, so I'm doing what I can to keep him alive and going....
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Ever wonder why he has no one left?

This is exactly what the video in post #22 is discussing- the interaction between narcissists (him) and codependents (you).
 
He's trying to pay his own way, but without being able to work he's had to resort to loans against his tax return.

I feel responsible for him, I don't know, probably because I love him, and if he ends up hurting himself again if I did turn my back on him, I couldn't handle that outcome. Even if he ghosts me once he's stable and on his feet again, then at least I'll have a clear conscience.

It's safe for us to be living together, he'd never physically hurt me, and neither would I raise a hand to him. In the month he's been here we've only had one argument, and that was my fault for getting aggravated with his recovery.
 
Sounds like you have one adult to take care of.
If you can do that, good for you.
 
thorne8791 said:
He's trying to pay his own way, but without being able to work he's had to resort to loans against his tax return.

I feel responsible for him, I don't know, probably because I love him, and if he ends up hurting himself again if I did turn my back on him, I couldn't handle that outcome. Even if he ghosts me once he's stable and on his feet again, then at least I'll have a clear conscience.

It's safe for us to be living together, he'd never physically hurt me, and neither would I raise a hand to him. In the month he's been here we've only had one argument, and that was my fault for getting aggravated with his recovery.
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I hope it works out for you.....

I was like you once though...so I kinda know where this will go.... The co-dependent analysis you got was dead on..and you will need to break out of it whether you are with him or someone else...or single....it isn't about them anyway....

The best possible way to do it is to grab it by the horns and do it now because you will need to do it in order to enjoy your life to the fullest...better sooner than later....

People like him...they know how to find people like you....and love?...the definition of love will change as you do so the one thing I will say to you is that you need to find a way to love yourself even a 1/10th as much as you love him.....it can be as easy or as hard as you make it...
 
Are you both having adult fun sometimes,
if yes, sounds like a couple to me.
 
We had sex the first night he got here, he asked for it the other night too but I didn't want to because he'd just had a small breakdown moments before. I've been trying to not come on to him sexually because he's still getting over that girl he was living with. I'd have sex any time he'd ask, but not when he's still fragile.
 
eastofeden said:
...you need to find a way to love yourself even a 1/10th as much as you love him.....it can be as easy or as hard as you make it...
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^Because it bears repeating. Over and over and over again...
 
No idea how someone can love yourself, the concept doesn't even register with me.
 
thorne8791 said:
No idea how someone can love yourself, the concept doesn't even register with me.
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You can always fake it 'til you make it.....that's what I did.

I looked around for positive examples and role models and wisdom and things to aspire toward.... and eventually...it happens....

You have to want it though....it is the most important part of the equation....

If you are really brave...you can let someone else love you when you can't love yourself. It still won't fix you..that is up to you....but it can help....
 
thorne8791 said:
No idea how someone can love yourself, the concept doesn't even register with me.
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It is a difficult concept since we're expected to be humble. It's also easy to confuse loving one's self with narcissism, which is not the same thing.

The easiest analogy is to think of the way that most people love family members or the closest of friends. Your family and your friends are not perfect but you love them anyway... and you always want the best for your family and friends.

It can be a challenge - to accept that you are flawed but to believe that not only are you here to love others but you are also deserving of love from others, too.
 
Thanks for updating the thread!

There is so much emotion involved -- I suspect as a couple, you two will either do amazing things together as a team -- or it will be completely disastrous in the most extreme possible way.

Best of luck to both of you! (*8*)

:):):)


p.s. I'm glad you didn't take the revenge route...
 
thorne8791 said:
I just couldn't turn him away, I can't turn my back on someone that I care about that's hit rock bottom, and he really has. He has absolutely nothing and no one left, so I'm doing what I can to keep him alive and going. I guess I never really stopped loving him even though he never deserved it. Not open for a debate about how fucked this is, since I know it is, just wanted to give an update on a fucked up situation.
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Listen, Boo. You are an enabler. This will go on as long as you let it and he will shit on you as long as you let him. You need help and finding a good counselor is what you need and get your self away from this guy and do it soon or you'll be in the toilet as you have been before. You are also needy and that is why you treat yourself like you are the one who is nothing. Get a back bone and pull yourself up and kick this crap out of your life. Cold! You need to be an icicle to him.

How do you always end up with bi guys? Don't you ask them first before getting entangled? You have to help yourself and do it before it is too late for you or you'll be dragging the sludge pile along the rest of your life. It is your life and your choices. If you continue along these lines it is you who is to blame. Find your way because all I see here is the same story repeated over and over again.
 
It's over, again. I threw him out last night. After him refusing my need for affection the other night (I was feeling strange after the argument we'd had a couple nights before, so asked him for comfort which he said he wasn't ready for) I started thinking about his behaviour. And last night he took fresh clothes home with him, which was odd because he claimed his only plans were to go to bed and house clean the next day, and he doesn't need freshly laundered clothes for that. I know he had used craigslist before, and after a few minutes of searching I found several ads posted by him while he was living fulltime at my house, looking to fuck women, and he had posted several nudes of himself taken in my own bathroom. When I confronted him about a half hour after I'd dropped him off at his house he already had one of these whores upstairs. He actually laughed that I was upset, and yet again he thought it was so funny that I'd gotten hurt.

So, knowing how he doesn't want anyone knowing he's bi, I stood there like a maniac in the street and as loudly as possible at 2am I let his entire neighborhood know he's a bisexual liar and user. Also came home and immediately posted to Craigslist, in the sections he uses, his picture, his name, and that he's a bisexual liar and user, and a shory recap of the past month. The posts were flagged away after a few minutes but it felt good to do it in the moment.

I am getting worried though, even though I shouldn't care, that he might've hurt himself after I left. His facebook has been deleted, he's not been online at all today, and he's not answering any texts or calls. Thinking maybe that I should call the police to go check on him. Not sure if I should though.
 
People often come to JUB to ask our advice on some situation in their lives. Some of these people have no intention of listening to what we say. I think you are one of them. The misery you have felt all along in your relationship is only partially his fault. The majority is yours. Now you have had your way by attempting revenge and you are worried that he might have harmed himself. I'm not sure if the regret you feel is for him or because your actions might have consequences.

This might seem harsh, but you need a serious wake up call. The two of you don't belong in each others life. He doesn't want a romantic relationship with you and he sounds more like he has used you than he was a friend to you, but you have used him, too.

I hope life settles down for you now. Give this some thought.
 
Um no, not worried he's hurt himself after my outburst, worried he's hurt himself because the last time I said I was done with him he threatened to throw himself out of my vehicle as I was driving 65mph on a highway. This time I'm not taking him back in, and he knows it, so I'm worried he's hurt himself. Tried contacting his ex wife on FB, but she's not replied back. Thinking tomorrow if I don't hear anything I will call and let them look in on him.
 
Dude he's played you like a cheap fiddle. He knows what buttons to push and when to push them. How many times do you have to touch the stove before you realize its hot? I'm not going to give a lot of advice because you dont seem to be taking any of it any way. You can forget about the loans against his tax return. That's one of the oldest tricks in tbe book. Stop worrying about him hurting himself. Hes still pushing your buttons. Cut the cord, stop all contact. No checking up on him or any of that stuff. If he shows up at your place slam the door in his face. I dont care if hes bleeding out of his eyes. He's mentally abusing you and the only person that can stop that is you. Get yourself some therapy. You desperately need it.

Steven
 
Same pattern, different day. Always ends in you rescuing him, again.

Still don't see it yet, eh?
 
thorne8791 said:
This time I'm not taking him back in, and he knows it
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No, what he knows is that you will ALWAYS take him back. All he has to do is wag is wiener at you or show you a little affection and you melt. And the vicious cycle is repeated with each time finding your behavior more irrational and angry. Is that really how you want to live your life, in bondage to this guy who really doesn't care about you? It's your choice. Don't just say you are finished with him, do it. Your continual checking up on him is only going to prove to him that he owns you. Drop it now.
 
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