Right back where we started

[glasvegas]

I think my life has been a total joke. They put me into countless of pain and obstacles and expect me to be tough and not broken down. So, after put into much thought, I asked myself is this what I wanted? Being gay? I know I have no feelings for females, so I can't be straight neither. After letting myself indulge in this gay world for a few months, I totally utterly disgust of what I had become. I find myself broken into far more pieces than before. All those hook ups. I am not good in them. I am a emotional person, I have strong empathy for people and I can't deal with people just come and use you and leave, and yes, I thought sex can make them stay, but no, that's what they after even they tell you how wonderful you're. Those stupid lies. And I hate myself for letting it to happen. One after another. I feel so dirty and broken each and everytime but I can't help it, I am just...lonely. Sleeping with them somehow make it goes away for awhile, until you realize you're just good enough for a few mins.

Being gay doesn't make me happy? So what now?

 

[bankside]

Being promiscuous doesn't make you happy. That is what you do. Gay is what you are.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

bankside said it. the hook-ups don't make you happy. it has nothing to do with your sexuality. There are heterosexuals, both male and female, who do the whole hook-up thing and feel just as empty as you do. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Loneliness is a common, normal human experience. You thought you found a solution, but that solution didn't work. so now what? find another solution. it may hurt now, but make the attempt to learn from what you perceive as mistakes. Something positive can come from it all.

I suggest you find something that can make yourself happier. It may be good to start with you. Find a new hobby, or work on one you already have. Do you have a job? Do some work, make some money. Exercise, build up some confidence. You have worth, and I think you know you do, but you may just need to remind yourself that you are worth so much, and you deserve better.

 

[Rolyo85]

Hooking up makes very few people happy, including the professional hook-uppers. This isn't what being gay is about. Being gay is about feeling physical and emotional attraction to your own gender. That's it. Many people here are in monogamous committed relationships or other forms of a stable relationship that works for them. And I assure you many of us here are quite happy with it.

You don't have to fuck around to be "gay". You just have to meet likeminded people, build friendships and see if any of them will develop into something more.

 

[sixthson]

Vince, whenever you are looking for love, anything less will seem empty. Sex is not love. Sex can be expressed within love and be wonderful, however. I notice alot of flirting, flattery and sweet talk goes on here at JUB. It's meaningless and insincere and most likely it is hurtful to those who believe it. Stop believing it.

Please accept this from someone who cares--you are the kind of guy that users will target. You are innocent, vulnerable, cute and probably immature. YOu have also been hurt in your life by a major loss that you are still not over. Hookups and casual sex can never fill that void.

The past is the past and you cannot change it. But you can change what you have been doing. You know it only makes you despair. The other thing you can do it to learn from this painful lesson. When you stop going to bed with guys so quickly, you will soon learn who you can trust and who wants the same things you want: love.

 

[Lube]

Some really great advice here. Listen to it. Learn from it.

you obviously don't like hooking up. Neither do I. Lots of guys don't like to. You just have to find them. But you probably won't find them in the clubs and bars.

Here in the bear community in my city, we organize lots of events that are not in bars, and where we have a lot of fun. Movies, dinners, bowling, apple picking, bicycling, scootering, motorcycling, gardening, photography, wine tasting, horror movies, karaoke, you name it. Find gay or mostly-gay groups that do what you like to do and join them.

Have fun! Nothing makes you more attractive than doing what you love to do and showing it. You glow.

 

[Seasoned]

The main thing to worry about when using people, places or things to make yourself feel better temporarily is escapism and addiction. In my opinion you'll need to work on self-acceptance and establish boundaries as to what you will do and won't do when it comes to sex and hook ups. If you know how you're going to feel after you do something, but fool yourself into thinking that this time will be different and go ahead with the activity you'll continue on this path of self-disappointment, inching towards self-disgust and low self esteem. The cycle continues because you need something powerful to take away all that negativity.

Hang around here and don't be afraid to pm a few people for more input.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Ganoderma]

I feel sad that you are right now so unhappy whilst doing a study in Australia, but its good that you have made this posting. Others have already provided you with some nice advices.

I assume you are out at your college and that you don't hide to your fellow students that you are gay. I tend to have the idea (but I may be wrong) that your fellow students -and most other people in Australia as well- don't bother that you are gay, straight or anything in between. So why not try to make some friends over there, be is straight or gay ones?

And maybe you should try and join any of the student groups / student activities (or anything else) which have activities you like to do? So please be aware that allmost all of your fellow students don't care if you are gay / bi / straight etc. And it is up to you if you feel yourself comfortable in a group with straight people, or if you prefer compagnionship of gay people. I don't exactly know which kind of activities / items etc. you like to do. Definitely, joining groups, and doing all kind of things with people will make that you feel yourself less lonely.

And why not try to built up some friendships with fellow gay students? There is no rule at all that you should have sex with any gay guy you meet. So you can also be just good friends who meet each other to drink coffee, to prepare dinner together, etc. etc. etc.

Definitely, your life is not a total mess. You have experienced how it is when you have sex with hook ups. But a gay life is much more then that. I tend to think that you like guys, but that you prefer to be good friends with them and spend time with them to do nice things like talking with each other, or whatever you would like to do with a nice guy.

Is there some sort of gay support group at your university (or a gay/straight alliance)?

Take care and I would like to wish you all the best.

 

[glasvegas]

Thanks for all of your lovely advises.

I don't feel beautiful and attractive anymore, and so I decided to take a time out and start being myself instead of anybody else, hopefully I can regain my lost confidence and be happy of who I am. And I am not out but most of friends over here guessed I am gay anyway so there's no secret but I find that the Europeans are very gay friendly as my friends told me that me being gay is like me telling them I like to eat rice, there's nothing to ashamed off.

 

[Ganoderma]

You are totally right that over here (eg in The Netherlands) students on university don't bother that you like to eat rice and that you like guys.

So most of your fellow-students assume you are gay, and you don't tell them all kind of fairy tales about girls and girlfriends. Being open also means that you don't bother if people around you are aware that you are gay or not.

Your photo on your profile indicates that you are a handsome guy. And good to hear you have several -straight- friends over there. For sure, they will have ideas / know for sure that you are gay. Be aware that all girl students at your uni are aware that a handsome guy like you never ever flirts with girls, that you don't have a history with girlfriends, and that you never ever react when a sweet girl shows interest in you.

He man, and you like white guys at the uni. Are you sure that girls over there never ever record that you 'check out handsome & muscular white guys'?

Anyway, I would like to wish you all the best. I hope you will soon find a nice boyfriend.

 

[glasvegas]

You are totally right that over here (eg in The Netherlands) students on university don't bother that you like to eat rice and that you like guys.

So most of your fellow-students assume you are gay, and you don't tell them all kind of fairy tales about girls and girlfriends. Being open also means that you don't bother if people around you are aware that you are gay or not.

Your photo on your profile indicates that you are a handsome guy. And good to hear you have several -straight- friends over there. For sure, they will have ideas / know for sure that you are gay. Be aware that all girl students at your uni are aware that a handsome guy like you never ever flirts with girls, that you don't have a history with girlfriends, and that you never ever react when a sweet girl shows interest in you.

He man, and you like white guys at the uni. Are you sure that girls over there never ever record that you 'check out handsome & muscular white guys'?

Anyway, I would like to wish you all the best. I hope you will soon find a nice boyfriend.

True. But no girls hit on me...yet. Plus, I went to a gay club few days ago, my first time and it was bad, I dance alone and feel like an idiot but thank god I am drunk, so it is less embarrsing when I trying to think back.

And two of my best friends are from Netherlands. They're very supportive and fun, is this a Dutch thing?
I like being friends with straight guys. I find it hard to understand gay guys at some point and most of the gay guys in my uni are kinda weird.

 

[Ganoderma]

True. But no girls hit on me... yet.

Might as well be an indication that these girls see/feel/know/assume that you are gay (friends over here guessed I am gay anyway).

And two of my best friends are from Netherlands. They're very supportive and fun, is this a Dutch thing? I like being friends with straight guys.

Follow your guts and get guy friends among the guys you feel comfortable with. There are no rules that you should avoid being a good friend of a straight guy. But don't hide to them that you are gay (which does not mean you must tell them immediately 'eh, eh, i am ...').

I think having such nice and good friends is very good to work on becoming happy and relaxed again. Wow, so are you already able to speak some words in Dutch?

Well, almost all people over here are aware that a certain amount of guys is gay. Most / almost all guys of around the age of these students from the Netherlands will have at least one or more gay cousins / sport mates / relatives / fellow students / school mates / friends / aquaintances, etc. And being gay for guys of around your age is no big deal at all in large parts of the Dutch society (ofcourse including all colleges and universities).

Besides that, The Netherlands has a long history of equal opportunities for all people (including GLTB people), and same-sex marriage is already possible for over 10 years. Likely / maybe you have discussed with them about the situation in Malaysia (which is totally different towards the aspect of treating GLTB people, and the respect GLTB people have).

I tend to think that is is also very good for your selfesteem that both Dutch friends are very supportive to you. Being open to straight guys is also a matter of 'not pretending to be straight'.

Take care & good luck.

 

[glasvegas]

Wow, so are you already able to speak some words in Dutch?

Besides that, The Netherlands has a long history of equal opportunities for all people (including GLTB people), and same-sex marriage is already possible for over 10 years. Likely / maybe you have discussed with them about the situation in Malaysia (which is totally different towards the aspect of treating GLTB people, and the respect GLTB people have).

I tend to think that is is also very good for your selfesteem that both Dutch friends are very supportive to you. Being open to straight guys is also a matter of 'not pretending to be straight'.

Hoi, Ik ben Vince. Hoe gaat hat? Allez goed?
It's a very difficult language to learn based on my language background.

Yes. I did. And she cried so hard about it's so unfair that she can be whatever she wants to be but I can't.

 

[Ganoderma]

hoi Vince, leuk dat je nu ook Nederlandse vrienden hebt [hi Vince, nice to hear that you have some Dutch friends].

Well, things are changing in the world, and I cannot expect what the situation will be in Malaysia within the next 10 years or so. I am abit aware what's going on in your country towards the official policy of rights of GLTB people. On the other hand, there are also open gay guys living in cities like Kuala Lumpur, including guys who have a good job.

Well, and right now you are living in Australia, and you might also plan to keep living the rest of your life in a country with more respect for gay guys.

Ah, and you can invite your Dutch friends to visit you and your family in Malaysia (so you can show them around), but having Dutch friends can also be a nice way to spend some time in The Netherlands (and other European countries) to see how things are going on over here.

He man, you can also be everything what you want, and do every job you would like to do. Why should you bother about the ideas of homophobes?

Take care & good luck.