Rommate Help

[alexvyas]

okay...so here's some background information

I'm from Los Angeles, go to UW in Seattle.

I'm pretty much only out to my close friends back home and my brothers and sister. Here in Seattle, I don't really care if people know. In fact all of my friends here know. The thing is that my roommates don't. I barely came out at the beginning of January (talk about a great way to start the new year!) and so I only told those that I really cared about knowing...friends, siblings. Parents will come later. The thing is that I didn't really get the chance to "finish my work" in LA because I had to come back to Seattle for school. So, now there's a patchwork of people who know and those who don't. I really don't want to tell those that I'm close to over the phone or through IM only because I feel that's sort of tacky. So I have to wait till Spring break (March 19-30) until I can finish up in LA.

Okay so back to Seattle. I want to tell my roommates, but I really don't know how. I really don't want to make them uncomfortable with the living arrangements. I know that if they have a problem with it, it's really their problem and not mine, but I just don't want things to be awkward especially in such close living quarters (there's three of us in a room meant for only two). They're both from Washington which is a much more conservative place compared to Los Angeles, or California for that matter...so I don't really know if they'd be okay with it or not. I suspect that the one that I get along with better would be alright, but the other roommate may not. It's not that we don't get along...he's just a strange person...and many people think this, too. He has a very destructive/aggressive/weird personality.

So my question to you is if I should wait it out till the year is over and avoid creating any awkwardness between the three of us or if I should go ahead and tell them and if they have a problem, they can deal with it on their own. Or am I looking at this completely wrong? If I do decide to tell them, how should I go about it? Should I sit them down and have the serious conversation or should I be more casual about it? Keep in mind that they think I'm straight. I just never corrected them. However I'm tired of having to avoid certain topics if I'm on the phone with friends, etc. In general, I guess you can't tell right off the bat that I'm gay...for me, it's more in the details.

If you actually read all of that I truly thank you. You're great.

Also, thanks for any advice all of you.

And lastly, on a completely unrelated topic, I just got a new black macbook and I love it. I hate pcs now. Apple is the best. <333

 

[josher]

You said, "All my friends here know." Did you mean at college? If so, might your roommates hear it from any of them? Might they blurt it out in your room, when your roommates are there?

If that's a good possibility, I'd tell the roommates, so you don't get blindsided by them finding out, accidently or on purpose, by your friends.

Though I'm in favor of everyone coming out when it's right for them, I'm not sure you need to tell them, if you don't think someone else will. There's only three months of school left and I gather you won't be living with them next year. You could tell them in the last weeks/days of the semester.

If you will be living with them next year, I'd definitely tell them, at least at the end of the semester. Then they could decide, if they would feel more comfortable elsewhere. You certainly wouldn't want to continue this for another year.

 

[tonyboy]

okay...so here's some background information

I'm from Los Angeles, go to UW in Seattle.

I'm pretty much only out to my close friends back home and my brothers and sister. Here in Seattle, I don't really care if people know. In fact all of my friends here know. The thing is that my roommates don't. I barely came out at the beginning of January (talk about a great way to start the new year!) and so I only told those that I really cared about knowing...friends, siblings. Parents will come later. The thing is that I didn't really get the chance to "finish my work" in LA because I had to come back to Seattle for school. So, now there's a patchwork of people who know and those who don't. I really don't want to tell those that I'm close to over the phone or through IM only because I feel that's sort of tacky. So I have to wait till Spring break (March 19-30) until I can finish up in LA.

Okay so back to Seattle. I want to tell my roommates, but I really don't know how. I really don't want to make them uncomfortable with the living arrangements. I know that if they have a problem with it, it's really their problem and not mine, but I just don't want things to be awkward especially in such close living quarters (there's three of us in a room meant for only two). They're both from Washington which is a much more conservative place compared to Los Angeles, or California for that matter...so I don't really know if they'd be okay with it or not. I suspect that the one that I get along with better would be alright, but the other roommate may not. It's not that we don't get along...he's just a strange person...and many people think this, too. He has a very destructive/aggressive/weird personality.

So my question to you is if I should wait it out till the year is over and avoid creating any awkwardness between the three of us or if I should go ahead and tell them and if they have a problem, they can deal with it on their own. Or am I looking at this completely wrong? If I do decide to tell them, how should I go about it? Should I sit them down and have the serious conversation or should I be more casual about it? Keep in mind that they think I'm straight. I just never corrected them. However I'm tired of having to avoid certain topics if I'm on the phone with friends, etc. In general, I guess you can't tell right off the bat that I'm gay...for me, it's more in the details.

If you actually read all of that I truly thank you. You're great.

Also, thanks for any advice all of you.

And lastly, on a completely unrelated topic, I just got a new black macbook and I love it. I hate pcs now. Apple is the best. <333

Why tell them? I see no need to do that man. Just live your life the way you want to, let them figure it out for themselves. When they do (or if they do) leave it up to them to decide how they want to deal with a gay roommate. No need for you to out yourself to them. Why should it matter anyway. Be a good roomie, and just live your life. Study hard and be the best you can be.
Just live your life... and don't worry about what your roommates think about you. If you are a good guy, friendly and helpful toward them they will be the same toward you.
Just figure that they are in school for the same reasons you are, that is to get a good education and to find a good job after school. The personal stuff is seconday.
And you'd better let us know how this all turns out.
Good luck to you friend.

 

[KaraBulut]

Given your awkward living arrangement and the fact that these are roommates, not friends... there is no compelling reason for you to say anything.

 

[G-Lexington]

If a situation comes up where there's an opening - you're talking about gay rights, or about your "ideal lover" - feel free to take it. But if you're concerned about how someone in close proximity will react, there's no harm in waiting.

Lex

 

[Blueboy369]

You don't owe them an explination. For all you know, one of them may have a foot fetish and the other may be into s&m. Just live your life and don't worry about "full disclosure".

 

[drhladnjak]

Why not just start acting like they already know around them? I'm not sure there's a compelling reason for you to sit them down and having a proper coming out session if they're not your friends or otherwise close to you. That's totally the passive-aggressive Seattle way of doing things and sometimes it's even the right thing to do. Personally, I don't see the point in waiting until the end of the year. Once you come out, any problem will essentially be theirs whereas when you sit here mulling coming out it's clearly your problem. Time to push the burden onto the others if you ask me.

Also, we're talking about Seattle not Spokane and UW not SPU. Seattle has the highest proportion of gay people for a major American city outside of San Francisco. I would not characterize Seattle as "much more conservative" than LA, especially when it comes to gay people. When you take in the entire city of Los Angeles, I'd even argue that Seattle proper is more liberal on social issues. Perhaps the reason you feel that way is because UW draws students from all over the state (many from east of the Cascades) and because people here tend to be more reserved and subtle in expressing themselves.

I grew up in Orange County (talk about conservative) before moving to Berkeley for college and ultimately ended up here in Seattle after finishing grad school in Germany and North Carolina. So, I've been around enough to know what conservative, liberal and gay-friendly mean in different places. Even in Berkeley with its liberal reputation, there were quite a few conservative students around because there were many students from outside the Bay Area and Los Angeles (pretty much the rest of California is conservative). It was even more true in Chapel Hill where almost the entire state of NC is conservative. Still, the overriding vibe at both places was one of encouragement and solidarity for gay students with a minority of conservative curmudgeons opting for tolerance.

 

[backpacker]

I wouldn't have a serious meeting or anything like that. I would just start being yourself and don't avoid topics when they arise. They'll figure it out.

Should one of them make comments or have a problem with it, that's the time for a talk. If they ask you why you didn't tell them, say you wanted to let them get to know you before having a label placed on you. If worse comes to worse, someone may need to move. A small price to pay for being able to live your life like you want.

 

[RukkuS]

if you're open with friends in Seattle, but your roommates don't know, then they're bound to find out sooner or later. People talk....