Ok, so my first post, sorry if it’s a bit long. I live with 2 gay guys but I’m “straight.” In reality, I’m either bisexual or bicurious, whatever you want to call it. Living with 2 gay guys has obviously raised some questions by others. One my roommates, let’s call him R, I’m really good friends with, and have no sexual interest in. The other one, we’ll call him J, I only know through R and living with him. We’ve never been very close and are just casual friends and roommates. I’ve always thought he was kind of hot but ruled out anything happening between us because he’s openly gay and I’m afraid would tell R or someone else.
The other night, the 3 of us went out for a guys night out. I noticed him being a little more friendly with me, like casually touching me and at one time put his hand down my pocket, which he's never done before. We ended up getting pretty wasted, and then came home. I had put on a pair of gym shorts and they kind of give a pronounced bulge. I noticed J looking at me several times, and he didn’t appear to try to hide it. He ends up passing out on the couch, and R goes to bed. I go tap J on the arm to tell him he should go to bed because he works the next morning and he grabs me, pulls me onto the couch, pulls my shorts down and starts giving me head. I didn’t see that coming at all and started freaking out a little, especially because R may come back out of his room and see us. I offered some passive resistance and asked what he was doing several times, but he kept going. I’m not gonna lie, I wanted it to happen, but all kinds of things were racing through my head about possible repercussions. So I get him to get up and we go to his bedroom, where he proceeds to get naked and we fool around for at least an hour, maybe longer. During that time he tells me how he’s waited so long for this and how he’s spent many nights in his room jerking off to me. I was also bigger than him which he pointed out several times. I told him he could never tell anyone and he said he wouldn’t. He gave me head and swallowed it, then jerked himself off on to me. After that I got up, put my shorts back on and went to my room.
The next day he texts me from work and says not to worry, it’s just between us. I wasn’t sure how or if to respond, but I did a few hours later, and just said I trust him. After that everything was normal. I actually didn’t see him for a couple days due to our work schedule, and when I did, R was gone all night due to work, so it was just me and J. He came home and we chatted as usual, then he started doing some work on his computer. I told him I wanted to chat about the other night, and said I felt a bit embarrassed and awkward now, and he said not to, we were both drunk, it happens. I said yeah, easy for him to say, he’s gay! He laughed and agreed. I said well the cat’s out of the bag now, and obviously I’m a little curious, and have had thoughts about guys for a few years, but only acted on it once, it didn’t go well, and we never spoke again. He said not to worry, that wouldn’t happen, and he knows what it’s like so if I ever need anyone to talk to, he’s there. Then there was just silence for a few minutes and he ends up going back to his room. I really wasn’t done, and was kinda hoping it would lead to something else, so I texted him and said I know we were pretty drunk that night but I remember most of it and it was fun, but it’s made me question some things about myself that I’d like to explore further, and I don’t want it to be awkward for him, but at the same time I’m not looking for any kind of relationship. He wrote back that he could tell I had fun and he knows it’s new but don’t be embarrassed, it was one drunken night and he’s there for me if I need to talk. Now J isn’t the brightest, and sometimes things really have to be spelled out for him as he doesn’t figure things out on his own. So I feel he’s not really getting what I’m saying, so I tell him that what I’m trying to ask in a roundabout way is does he want to just chalk this up to a one time thing and leave it at that, or maybe something just for fun. He responded that yes it was just a one time thing and he figured that anyways. So now I’m just like, WTF! What does he mean "he figured that anyways." I’m actually a little angry now. So I told him that I also figured it was too, but now I’m all mixed up and not looking for a relationship, but, I’m also not sure how much of it is alcohol related vs what I’m attracted to and so maybe it was a mistake. He just replied that it doesn’t have to make sense right now, to which I said that’s easy for him to say. He agreed and said he’s sorry, and I said that I’m kind of hurt now. He said he’s sorry if he went too far... My final response was that my issue is that he made a move on me, that I did go along with, but now has me all confused and anxious and he’s just done with me. So I’m left feeling used and confused, and maybe it’s hard for him to understand if he hasn’t experienced it. He never replied.
Since then we’ve interacted pretty much as normal. The thing is, I think I want something else to happen again. Or to at least have that option. It’s really bothering me and I’m not sure why. I guess I was thinking we could just have a friend with benefits type thing, as it would obviously be super convenient. Or maybe it’s that I feel I should be the one who decides if it was a one time thing. I guess I also feel kind of rejected, like he’s been with me, has a notch on his belt for getting the straight guy, and now he’s done. So I’m not sure what, if anything to do now. Should I be honest with him and say exactly what I’m looking for, should I just wait for another opportunity and make a move myself, or should I just try to forget it ever happened and move on?
The other night, the 3 of us went out for a guys night out. I noticed him being a little more friendly with me, like casually touching me and at one time put his hand down my pocket, which he's never done before. We ended up getting pretty wasted, and then came home. I had put on a pair of gym shorts and they kind of give a pronounced bulge. I noticed J looking at me several times, and he didn’t appear to try to hide it. He ends up passing out on the couch, and R goes to bed. I go tap J on the arm to tell him he should go to bed because he works the next morning and he grabs me, pulls me onto the couch, pulls my shorts down and starts giving me head. I didn’t see that coming at all and started freaking out a little, especially because R may come back out of his room and see us. I offered some passive resistance and asked what he was doing several times, but he kept going. I’m not gonna lie, I wanted it to happen, but all kinds of things were racing through my head about possible repercussions. So I get him to get up and we go to his bedroom, where he proceeds to get naked and we fool around for at least an hour, maybe longer. During that time he tells me how he’s waited so long for this and how he’s spent many nights in his room jerking off to me. I was also bigger than him which he pointed out several times. I told him he could never tell anyone and he said he wouldn’t. He gave me head and swallowed it, then jerked himself off on to me. After that I got up, put my shorts back on and went to my room.
The next day he texts me from work and says not to worry, it’s just between us. I wasn’t sure how or if to respond, but I did a few hours later, and just said I trust him. After that everything was normal. I actually didn’t see him for a couple days due to our work schedule, and when I did, R was gone all night due to work, so it was just me and J. He came home and we chatted as usual, then he started doing some work on his computer. I told him I wanted to chat about the other night, and said I felt a bit embarrassed and awkward now, and he said not to, we were both drunk, it happens. I said yeah, easy for him to say, he’s gay! He laughed and agreed. I said well the cat’s out of the bag now, and obviously I’m a little curious, and have had thoughts about guys for a few years, but only acted on it once, it didn’t go well, and we never spoke again. He said not to worry, that wouldn’t happen, and he knows what it’s like so if I ever need anyone to talk to, he’s there. Then there was just silence for a few minutes and he ends up going back to his room. I really wasn’t done, and was kinda hoping it would lead to something else, so I texted him and said I know we were pretty drunk that night but I remember most of it and it was fun, but it’s made me question some things about myself that I’d like to explore further, and I don’t want it to be awkward for him, but at the same time I’m not looking for any kind of relationship. He wrote back that he could tell I had fun and he knows it’s new but don’t be embarrassed, it was one drunken night and he’s there for me if I need to talk. Now J isn’t the brightest, and sometimes things really have to be spelled out for him as he doesn’t figure things out on his own. So I feel he’s not really getting what I’m saying, so I tell him that what I’m trying to ask in a roundabout way is does he want to just chalk this up to a one time thing and leave it at that, or maybe something just for fun. He responded that yes it was just a one time thing and he figured that anyways. So now I’m just like, WTF! What does he mean "he figured that anyways." I’m actually a little angry now. So I told him that I also figured it was too, but now I’m all mixed up and not looking for a relationship, but, I’m also not sure how much of it is alcohol related vs what I’m attracted to and so maybe it was a mistake. He just replied that it doesn’t have to make sense right now, to which I said that’s easy for him to say. He agreed and said he’s sorry, and I said that I’m kind of hurt now. He said he’s sorry if he went too far... My final response was that my issue is that he made a move on me, that I did go along with, but now has me all confused and anxious and he’s just done with me. So I’m left feeling used and confused, and maybe it’s hard for him to understand if he hasn’t experienced it. He never replied.
Since then we’ve interacted pretty much as normal. The thing is, I think I want something else to happen again. Or to at least have that option. It’s really bothering me and I’m not sure why. I guess I was thinking we could just have a friend with benefits type thing, as it would obviously be super convenient. Or maybe it’s that I feel I should be the one who decides if it was a one time thing. I guess I also feel kind of rejected, like he’s been with me, has a notch on his belt for getting the straight guy, and now he’s done. So I’m not sure what, if anything to do now. Should I be honest with him and say exactly what I’m looking for, should I just wait for another opportunity and make a move myself, or should I just try to forget it ever happened and move on?
