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run away and hide?

D

diane06

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I just want to run as far away as I can from this place.

I didn't know if I should start this in the first thread I started the other day or start a new one. So here I am. Crying. Humiliated. Devastated. I feel like my lifes been turned inside out. I know he feels the same way. It came out in several local papers as I knew it would. I expect the phone calls to start today. What do I say? Lie? That is pretty hard to do for me. There are parents, kids, siblings, friends.
 
I feel like I need to talk to someone but there is no one but you guys, and then I don't even know what to say. I hate him but I love him. Damn him.
 
Original post Here

I've only just come across this and my heart goes out to you, I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like. Hopefully it is a bigger deal for you than it will be for those around you. From what I have seen interest soon wanes when they realise that you are dealing with it. Your husband is lucky to have someone like you who is trying so hard to understand and cope with this rather than writing him off as so many would. My heart goes out to you and I hope that your strength will help you both come through this. I can only offer a cyber hug but it is sent with real feeling (*8*)

Edit: Woops you beat me with the link
 
I'm so sorry this is a continuing nightmare for you. (*8*)

>>>I expect the phone calls to start today. What do I say? Lie? That is pretty hard to do for me.

They invented the term "no comment" for a reason. Use it. If anyone from the media calls, tell them you don't feel like discussing it, and hang up. If friends call, and you feel like talking with them, go meet with them and talk. If you'd rather not, again, just say, "I don't feel like talking about it right now". They should understand.

What to do now? If you haven't gotten tested already, do so. If you haven't looked into counseling yet, do so. If it appears his career will suffer greatly, you might start looking into various options as to what he might do aftewards.

Good luck to you.

Lex
 
I still haven't gotten tested but I plan to look into that later this week.
As for counseling, yeah I probably do need it, but, well I am not sure it would help. How can it? He already has an appointment for an evaluation by someone. He went into the mental health clinic and ask to speak to a psychiatrist last week, they wanted to set up an appointment but he told them he needed to talk to someone now! Believe it or not they let him. He told everything in about 45 minutes and she set him up with a phone number of who she thought he should see.
His career will be ok since he is a union person unless he got enough jail time to cause him to lose his job. I don't think that will happen.
As for the community, everyone that knows us will be talking. It would be naive to think otherwise I know. This is gossip right? Of course they'll talk and wonder why or how I could stay with him.
I am trying to be there for him but sometimes I feel so angry with him. Too be honest I am terrified he might harm himself so I have to be strong.
How do I tell our grown children and aging parents? Should I just let them find out on their own?
I get sick, literally sick to my stomach when I think about it, which is a thousand times a day.
Do you all mind my ranting and rambling?
I am sorry for being such a pain in the ass. Thanks for the support.
hugs to you all.
Diane06
 
I believe Lex was suggest counseling for you, Darlin'. Perhaps someone who can do some joint counseling and one-on-one counseling with you both. While it's admirable for you to worry about his feelings and what he's going through, you also need to be concerned about your own. As far as your grown children are concerned, do they live away from you? Will they find out sooner or later from an outside source? If they must be told by one of you, should it not be him that does the explaining, since he is the one who put you all in this place?

Stay strong for your family, Diane, but reserve a great deal of that strength for yourself. You need it to face the public aspect of this, but I suspect you will need it more for how your private/family life is going to become even more complicated over the days, weeks and months ahead.
 
Yes I understood that Lex was suggesting counseling for me, I'm not sure how it would help me though. But then again, what do I know?

I think you are right about the kids who live out on their own. He can tell them.

When it comes to this all being out in the public eye it makes it worse, much worse. Probably because I'd be pretending in my head that it never happened after a while if it were all to be kept secret. There is no way I can do that now.
oh well, at least I might lose those unwanted pounds this way.
later
 
>>>Yes I understood that Lex was suggesting counseling for me, I'm not sure how it would help me though.

No offense meant, Diane, but, well, you're a straight woman who doesn't really know anybody gay, and you're on a homosexual messageboard saying, "I don't know what to do." Not that any of us mind hearing your story, or that any of us mind helping out - far from it. A bunch of us care, and we want to make this as easy for you as possible. But you do seem to be in a position where you need outside help.

Counseling isn't (just) for people who are crazy or "not right". It's for people who have problems they need help working through. And that's precisely the situation you're in at this second. A counselor can help you sort out your feelings, run through your options, and make some intelligent choices. I think that you'd definitely benefit from that right now.

Do you tell your grown children? I would. Because they probably will find out, and they'll wonder why they had to get it from someone outside the family. Consider - if one of your children were in the spot your husband is in now, would you rather find out from that child, or from an outside source? I think KJ is right - it should be your husband that does the telling, though. Because there's bound to be questions that you won't be able to answer.

Will people talk? Almost certainly. I'm sure something similar has happened in your town to ignite the gossip mill in the past. Think of how the story moved along. What might have the person who was the center of the gossip have said to you to keep the story in check? I think I know how I'd approach it, but that might be completely different from how you would. This is something you'd want to talk to the counselor about.

Do keep moving. You're in a lousy position right now, no question. But there's no reason you have to stay there. Take some positive steps towards getting yourself in a better place. Don't let this thing own you. (*8*)

Lex
 
Is it safe to assume you still love your husband and are committed to the relationship? I hope this is the case, because if he is being honest with you, you can get through this together.

First, let me say, everything you feel right now is legitimate and appropriate. The truth is, you have a world of pain to go through before you get to the other side. There is no avoiding that and I think you know it. Also, damage control is important to you and that is very understandable. Shame and humiliation only compound the problem.

So, if you love him and are committed to him no matter what, tell him that. Tell him everything you feel and express your hurt to him. Don't hold back, but saying things just to hurt him will only makes matters worse in the long run, I suspect. Then tell him that you need something extremely important from him: brutal honesty. If he knows you will stand by him up front, he is likely to do this for you.
Trust has been broken and will take a long time to be restored. The first step is his complete honesty, not only with you, but with himself. As much as you want to think of him as a freak, he is not. Obviously, he has issues with his sexuality, but he may not necessarily be gay. Sexuality is complicated and expressed in many different ways.

There is no point obsessing about gossips...that may or may not happen. Also, set aside the worry about telling aging parents and children. Don't borrow from tomorrow's problems, you have enough with today's.

I don't think many of us can even imagine what you are going through. You need understanding and guidance. He needs these things, too. He's not the enemy, he's your husband.
I think this seems particularly ugly because it is about sex.
If he were out at night getting drunk or developing a gambling problem, it would be hurtful, but less shameful, I imagine. Try, if possible, to see him as someone who desperately needs help...mostly from you. You have had a lot dumped on you and you are only just beginning to deal with it. Your need for help and understanding are as great or greater than his.

The two of you need to do lots of communicating and seeking wise counsel. It's good you feel you can come here. We may not be much help, but we can offer an understanding shoulder to lean on and guys who will listen to you.

Don't panic, if you can help it.

(*8*)
 
Some how just reading everyone's supportive and kind words help me. Even its it helps a short while. I am hearing everything you guys are saying and I really do appreciate it. And I agree with what you are saying, and if you were here now I'd give you a big hug to show you. Who knew? lol (it's a laugh or cry thing)

He sat down and wrote this 13 page letter to me to "tell all". I hope that there is no more to tell, I just am not sure I could take any more revelations. Of course I am not telling him that because if there is something else to be told in all brutal honesty I want him to feel free to come and tell me. I do think there is a bi/gay issue but he won't admit it to himself, let alone me! I think I can live with that if I can learn to trust him again. Is that possible? I don't know, I just don't know. He says he loves me and the worst thing about this mess is that I am being hurt by it all. He told me some things that happened in his life long before he met me.
I just keep thinking that I can forgive him and trust him, then I wonder how? How can I ever trust him again? If he is late coming home from work I'll wonder where in the hell is he and what is he doing? I hate that, that isn't the way I want to live my life and its not the type of relationship I want.
ok yes, Lex, I am getting your point. lol
thanks to all.
Diane
 
I know it seems like what people say is the biggest thing in the world, but it's up to you to decide how this gossip affects you. You can either feel ashamed and mortified and let them henpeck you with patronizing sympathy while they gossip behind your back or you can carry yourself with dignity and directness.

So "everyone" knows that your husband got arrested for sexual indecency of some sort. It's up to you to be matter-of-fact. What your husband is going through and what you are going through I nothing to be ashamed of. If anyone asked, I would tell them that "Yes, my husband is going through some sexual issues right now. We're working to explore them and figure them out."

That is a statement that shows that you're not ashamed of what they may think, because what person hasn't had sexual issues in their lives and it shows that you are being strong and rational and proactive instead of petty and ruined.

I would explain the exact same thing to your children and parents. Do you really think that your grown children, as sexual human beings, could not handle the fact that their father, as another human being, has a sexuality and a possible fetish? Or your parents?

How you handle this is like how parents are told to handle a situation where their baby falls down. If the baby isn't crying after falling down and the parent freaks out because it fell, the baby will sense the panic and begin to cry and be afraid regardless of the fact that the fall didn't hurt. If the parent notices that the situation is fine and that the baby is fine and treats it with sensibility, then the baby will not cry and everything will be okay.

If you approach this news with your family with positivity and objectivity, then things will be fine. Because in truth, many married men go through things like this. They have feelings (not necessarily gay ones) that they never resolved and hide from their partners for fear of rejection. Unfortunately, because no one talks about it, everyone treats the most common thing in human existence (sexuality) as a scandalous taboo. You can either be part of that vicious circle of scandal, or you can break free and see it as a common human condition and treat it as such. If anything, it will give others the courage to face their own issues with dignity and understanding.

Of course, that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel hurt or any of the emotions you're feeling. But don't give into shame because everyone knows. The way I see it, it's like being ashamed because everyone found out that your kid wets the bed. Everyone knows what that's like. It shouldn't be something to be ashamed of. Everyone has a sexuality and sexual hang ups that they keep hidden. Consciously or unconsciously, every person could probably relate to either you or your husband on some level about their own sexual issues. True, the fact that he got caught acting it out in an illegal way that wasn't severe exacerbates things, but what--they don't have any sexual differences? They're all homogenous sexual beings, perfectly aligned with a sexual norm that doesn't exist?

I think once you see that the core of what your husband is going through is something that nearly every sexual person goes through, then you can see that all the scandal of of its discovery is complete stupidity. As for the scandal of him being caught and arrested, that's something else, but nothing that I would personally let myself be bothered by. You have to work on your relationship, why waste your energy on what other people think?

As for how you can trust him, it will come with the time. I didn't say "with time," I did mean "with the time." If the two of your work through this and address his issue and find ways to healthily explore them and he has the ability to healthily explore them with you, then you'll feel that you can trust him, because supposedly you have no secrets from one another. If these issues never get resolved, and you know that he's repressing parts of himself when he doesn't need to, then you may always have that inkling of suspicion. So when you're int eh future and you know the feel of where your relationship is, that will determine whether you trust him or not.
 
>>>ok yes, Lex, I am getting your point. lol

:)

Yes, trust is something you two will have to work on rebuilding. But I'd say that's a problem for later. Right now, I'd deal with the more immediate aftereffects.

Is this simply a fineable offense? I can't imagine jail time is in his future...
Will his work suffer? His union job might be secure, but his workplace environment may not be what it was.
How best to approach the people closest to you about this?

Once these issues are dealt with, you can move on to the more longterm issues involved. Good luck, Diane. (*8*)

Lex
 
Diane
It's probably small consolation but if what I've observed of American Society from watching Talk Shows has any validity, then there'll be another scandal along next week that will boost ratings and circulation and dwarf your small family tragedy by comparison. The Great American Public has a limited attention span.

It's time's like these that help you distinguish the real friends from the hypocrites.
 
Diane, all the advice above has been great and I really don't have anything new to add. I just wanted to let you know that there are a great many people here to support. You are obviously a very smart, level headed and caring person. You are in emotional turmoil right now and Lex's suggestion of counseling is a good one. I think you can handle with on your own, but that counseling would make things a little easier on you. Forums are great, but there is no substitute for a face-to-face conversation. I wish you the best.

Hold your head high, you have done nothing to be ashamed of.
 
All of you guys seem to be very smart and so supportive to me. I can't thank you enough. Many things were said that does help me if you know it or not.

His friends at work said the same thing about another scandal hitting the county in a week or two.
thanks guys, Diane
 
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