Running away or healthy break?

[garylin]

Hi, so I recently got out of a LTR of many years ( was cheated on) and proceeded to go on a bender of men, gay suanas , hookup apps you name it. I used these men to make me feel better and also as a form of self harm.
In this bender I meet a really good guy who I choose not only cuz I thought we would click but because he's from another country and I didn't have to worry about strings. The first night meeting instead of the usual hookup I couldn't take it anymore and had a meltdown in front of him crying, screaming, but he comforted me and stayed by me.
What followed was a month of us sharing our insecurities, dreams, passions, going on adventures, really bonding, it was very nice . And then he left and for the next two weeks I was very depressed. Till I decided that I need time off from all men to recenter myself and work on my insecurities so I can find stabe happiness with someone like him. I even got a therapist, he really inspired me.
Anyways he messaged me he misses me and really likes me. To wich I responded that "I missed him too, that our time meant a lot to me but that I was too unstable to talk with him rn and that I need a break to work on myself but that I really liked him to and hoped we could pick up in the future". He didn't respond back and I think I offended him because he doesn't usually open up to people like that(part of the reason I need space I'm very insecure rn and his cautious nature sometimes feels like rejection to me)
Anyways I have a habit of running from love and I can't figure out if my response to him was one of panic and fear (running away from potential love) or if it was a healthy choice to stick to my decision to better myself without the distraction of men sothat I could really give it shot later. What do you think? All I wanted for those two week was him to say he missed me and when he does I say no?! Should I message him back ask him if we can just take it slow? Or should I work with my therapist build up my self-esteem and then contact him later? I am pretty fucked up tbh and might do alot of self sabotaging thing rn.

 

[SeaCore]

Why not message them saying 'I feel like I may have hurt you and you deserve better than where I left things because no matter what; your support meant everything. Here's a thread that shows the turmoil I'm in'

I don't necessarily think it's bad that you want to work on yourself alone. I don't think it'd necessarily be bad to start a relationship (presuming they want to).
This is largely something only you can figure out. But that doesn't mean we can't help you see what you might be missing.

So, your goal is to improve your self-esteem, right? Presuming it is, why do you think a relationship would get in the way of you doing that? What do you believe and why?

I'd also like to point something out that you might be missing. You're basically leaving this guy in limbo; how are they supposed to know that you are still working on yourself or if you have done the work you needed to a moved on without telling them? It might be a good idea, if you talk things over and you end up deciding to work on yourself to agree to update them in a month where you're at. Give them something concrete instead of leaving them guessing about where things are at. It doesn't have to mean you're done working on yourself, it's just a commitment to keep them in the loop so they can navigate this situation and make more confident decisions too.

Your dilemma is perfectly understandable. You aren't a bad person. Do not beat yourself up for being confused, you can't help it. It's great that you're seeking help, take ownership of that.

 

[garylin]

Thanks for such a thoughtful and kind reply. The reason I feel like I can't work on myself while in a relationship is because up until now all my relationships have been pretty codependent. I use the drama of relationships to distract myself from my life and insecurities but also to pick at them like a scab, I don't know how to put it but basically I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with someone because I don't have it with myself. Now I decided I want to become a stable man with a stable life and stable love by working on my life and self, but I feel like if I get distracted by all the insecurities that a new relationship brings not to mention a long distance one at that ill fall into old patterns especially since this is so close to my last breakup.

And ideally I would say I would just stay friends with this guy for a while till I'm okay and then figure it out but again habits patterns and attraction, I'll eventually feel down and seek out his validation and approval by wanting a relationship, plus if I end wanting a relationship and he doesn't my self esteem will plumet

plus again he is very reserved, when he left I told him I would miss him but he didn't say it back( maybe implied but didn't say), till his message two weeks later , which for a stable person would be whatever but for me is heartbreaking and chaos inducing.

Basically he and I maybe have potential, like you said he might not even want a relationship I might not either, but I know that in my current state I will be over thinking everything if I interact with him and my moods will be erratic. And rn I want to prioritize stability in my mental health over anything so that I can build the strength and tools to actually have a functioning relationship with him or whoever life destines for me.

But I do feel like a dick ,for him saying I like you and my saying yeah me too but I can't rn maybe some other day. That probs wasn't the best way to handle it I panicked for sure

 

[KaraBulut]

But I do feel like a dick ,for him saying I like you and my saying yeah me too but I can't rn maybe some other day. That probs wasn't the best way to handle it I panicked for sure

Stop being co-dependent. You're responsible for your feelings, he's responsible for his.

The "let's be friends" excuse is used too often to devalue sexual encounters. Because of that, when it's used sincerely, it can be misinterpreted.

It's fine to send him another message to say that you feel like you might have met the right guy but at the wrong time... and that you are being honest and you weren't using that as an excuse. Maybe mention that you want to work on being a better person and being a better relationship partner right now and that you don't want to lose touch with him while you're trying to get your head together?

If he's not able to accept that, then that's his issue to work on, not yours.

 

[mcbrion]

I believe you made the right decision, knowing yourself and how your fears and insecurities could be disadvantageous to a new relationship. As well as that your original intention in all this activity had never been one of longevity/permanence reflect more fully your state of mind and emotional turmoil churning inside. Pain looks different to different people, but having a bender after this relationship sounds like it was based on Pain. Distraction. Forgetting.

Meeting someone during turmoil has some big disadvantages (especially during periods when you're in therapy): you need completely alonge-not-accountable-to-anyone-else time when you are coming out of trauma (divorce). You need to feel everything FULLY. You need to be, very frequently, be ALONE with those feelings and that kind of change can be extremely hard on a relationship. You're in FLUX, nothing is constant. HE'S certainly feeling your reluctance, that's why he's behaving cautiously. But it is YOU who are - to him - rejecting him. And you're merely trying to be truthful and stay on course.

This "bender" was a reaction to the end of a relationship. So now that you've come to your senses, you're doing a kindness to yourself - and to him - by waiting until the Waters of Life are not generating 40' high (psychological) waves.
You're being healthy, not running away.

 

[garylin]

I believe you made the right decision, knowing yourself and how your fears and insecurities could be disadvantageous to a new relationship. As well as that your original intention in all this activity had never been one of longevity/permanence reflect more fully your state of mind and emotional turmoil churning inside. Pain looks different to different people, but having a bender after this relationship sounds like it was based on Pain. Distraction. Forgetting.

Meeting someone during turmoil has some big disadvantages (especially during periods when you're in therapy): you need completely alonge-not-accountable-to-anyone-else time when you are coming out of trauma (divorce). You need to feel everything FULLY. You need to be, very frequently, be ALONE with those feelings and that kind of change can be extremely hard on a relationship. You're in FLUX, nothing is constant. HE'S certainly feeling your reluctance, that's why he's behaving cautiously. But it is YOU who are - to him - rejecting him. And you're merely trying to be truthful and stay on course.

This "bender" was a reaction to the end of a relationship. So now that you've come to your senses, you're doing a kindness to yourself - and to him - by waiting until the Waters of Life are not generating 40' high (psychological) waves.
You're being healthy, not running away.

thank you all, it encouraging to have community to talk to.

mcbrion you seem to have a different opinion than seacore and karabulut, they are encouraging at least some contact while you are more in the alone time camp, Im currently really struggling with that personally, i really want to talk with him BUT i agree that alone time is probably the most effective expedient option, if i talk to him even as a friend my romantic feeling are definitely gonna well up and cause issues.

to karabulut as far as a re clarification message i do agree that unfortunately he is probably taking it as some line something like "it not you its me" , but i don't know how to clarify without falling into staying in contact where right now i don't think i can even be his friend without it leading to me wanting more before Im ready and endangering my progress.

its hard cuz i really really do like him and i hope we maybe can have a future even as just good friends and i dont want to ruin that potential, but i really dont think i can handle anything right now, and even this whole thing is being a huge distraction on my working on myself. he hasnt unfriended me if that makes any difference.

 

[KaraBulut]

...to karabulut as far as a re clarification message i do agree that unfortunately he is probably taking it as some line something like "it not you its me" , but i don't know how to clarify without falling into staying in contact where right now i don't think i can even be his friend without it leading to me wanting more before Im ready and endangering my progress.

But this is exactly what co-dependency is- putting someone else's feelings and needs before your own feelings and needs.

You have to make a decision here: either you're bothered by the feeling that you might have inadvertently hurt him and you want to try to fix that... or, you don't feel that you can stay in contact with him without feeling obligated or succumbing to a relationship that you feel you're not ready for.

If you can't separate yourself and put your needs first, then yes, it's probably better just to break it off even if that means hurting someone who did nothing to you that warrants being hurt.

 

[garylin]

I panicked, I’m sorry … after you left I was really down. I thought if only afterba month this is how I felt. . . if we kept talking … you have the potential to cause some real damage, so I got skittish,. I should have been happy to get your message but I was scared. I didn’t handle in it the best way. it must have hurt for me to cut you off; I know that you saying you missed me meant a lot to you and it really meant something to me too, I should have been more sensitive but what I said before wasn’t some “ It’s not you it’s me” line, i really do like you. I’ve been sad for a long time before the breakup, and I’m just seeing the first glimpses of happiness and stability again so I’m holding on to them dearly, I don’t want to back track, and I thought if I take time off to better myself then maybe we could have a better chance at friendship or a relationship or whatever this becomes, because I’ll be a stronger person. But running away from someone that helped me get better is probably not the right answer either, because every time I see something interesting I think of snapping you a picture, of sharing with you, and then I feel sad and like jackass for having closed off that door. It’s just I’m scared because I’m not ready for a relationship, but I’m scared of just a friendship too because I know I like you and it would be really easy to want more and to let my insecurities get the best of me. I enjoy sharing with you, I want to keep doing that if that’s okay just with a commitment to being purely platonic for now

Karabulut Is this being codependent?

 

[KaraBulut]

I panicked, I’m sorry … after you left I was really down. I thought if only afterba month this is how I felt. . . if we kept talking … you have the potential to cause some real damage, so I got skittish,. I should have been happy to get your message but I was scared. I didn’t handle in it the best way. it must have hurt for me to cut you off; I know that you saying you missed me meant a lot to you and it really meant something to me too, I should have been more sensitive but what I said before wasn’t some “ It’s not you it’s me” line, i really do like you. I’ve been sad for a long time before the breakup, and I’m just seeing the first glimpses of happiness and stability again so I’m holding on to them dearly, I don’t want to back track, and I thought if I take time off to better myself then maybe we could have a better chance at friendship or a relationship or whatever this becomes, because I’ll be a stronger person. But running away from someone that helped me get better is probably not the right answer either, because every time I see something interesting I think of snapping you a picture, of sharing with you, and then I feel sad and like jackass for having closed off that door. It’s just I’m scared because I’m not ready for a relationship, but I’m scared of just a friendship too because I know I like you and it would be really easy to want more and to let my insecurities get the best of me. I enjoy sharing with you, I want to keep doing that if that’s okay just with a commitment to being purely platonic for now

Karabulut Is this being codependent?

It's not codependent because you're stating what you want and need and you're acknowledging his feelings without prioritizing them over your feelings.

I would suggest being concise. The sentences that I highlighted above get to the point.

 

[rareboy]

Hopefully you are also continuing to advance with your therapist.

Because we all need to fix ourselves as much as possible before we can have a healthy, balanced and open relationship.

Fortunately, you have identified the pitfalls of co-dependency...which is the worst type of relationship...because you can't fix one another. With this relationship, I think you need to step back and honestly assess whether it has some of the same warning signs.

And I would recommend assessing the amount of emotional drama in your relationships as well. Try to establish the moment when being open and honest and emotionally naked may start to drift into trying to introduce a level of intensity that will just consume all the oxygen in a relationship. The clues are if anxiety, sadness and anger far outweigh the laughs and the simple uncomplicated joy of being with someone.

I would agree with the message above. Just try to be simple and concise. Try to not make someone feel like they are some essential step in your own mental health healing process. I would shorten even more.

I’m sorry … I really do like you. I should have handled things more maturely and more thoughtfully. I thought if I take time off to understanding myself through therapy, then maybe we could have a better chance at friendship or a relationship or whatever this becomes, because I’ll be a stronger person. Because of what happened in my own past relationships, I’m scared because I feel that I am not ready for am intense relationship just yet. I enjoy sharing with you, I want to keep doing that with you as a good friend for now, if that’s okay.