Hello all...I'm not sure if it is appropriate for me to post this here but here I go,
Before I begin, I am a 19 year old, gay closeted male (to my family),
For the past at least 2 years or longer I have felt an overwhelming burden on my back, one that I would often associate with whatever was happening in my current life and a burden I often convinced myself would go away should the task at hand be completed. I went day to day convinced that come the next day I will feel better, happy and less disappointed with myself. However, I guess this feeling of relief never came and slowly the days became weeks, weeks became months and well, now I am where I am now.
I guess every since I can remember I have had a self image issues, and I constantly feel like I am going to be left behind and that people are going to go out and make something of themselves while I am left in the dust to figure things out by myself (something I am not used to.) I am worried that if I don't constantly talk to people and get reassurance that they aren't going to walk up and leave me that I will be flat out left. This has made many friendships awkward and the reassurance needed in more intimate relationships always comes across as clingy. I don't know what to feel, I always feel like this flaw of mine needs to be ignored, so I convince myself I am fine and I push it deep deep down inside of me where I pretend it is no longer there but usually, it finds its way back to the surface and is all the worse.
I started university this past year and I met some great people who actually make me forget about all of the bad that I feel, and make me focus on the good...but when I'm not with them, I do begin to feel anxious all over again. (Keep in mind that being a first year student I was in residence and would see these people basically 24/7.) Now, while in my first year of university I entered a relationship, I was head over-heals as it was my first "boyfriend," but like most things, it came to an end when I found out he cheated on me. Since then, I really am having even more issues, like him cheating was my fault and that surely it will happen in the future again and the issue must lie with me. With this all being said, I am currently in another relationship and everything seems to be going fine because I am fortunate enough to have a friend I can rant my anxieties to...
I guess what I am getting to, is that I am scared. I'm scared because I woke up a few days ago and felt sad, but a different kind of sad and not like they type I have felt these past few years. I felt like I didn't care and that bad will happen and I deserve it. I also felt sort of empty? Like I know I am feeling these emotions but its felt inside and that I don't think there is anything tangible with them anymore.
Will this go away...am I just broken? I have no idea...I know this was scatterbrained and may not make sense, Its just how I am thinking and anything anyone can say will surely help me out.
Thanks
Before I begin, I am a 19 year old, gay closeted male (to my family),
For the past at least 2 years or longer I have felt an overwhelming burden on my back, one that I would often associate with whatever was happening in my current life and a burden I often convinced myself would go away should the task at hand be completed. I went day to day convinced that come the next day I will feel better, happy and less disappointed with myself. However, I guess this feeling of relief never came and slowly the days became weeks, weeks became months and well, now I am where I am now.
I guess every since I can remember I have had a self image issues, and I constantly feel like I am going to be left behind and that people are going to go out and make something of themselves while I am left in the dust to figure things out by myself (something I am not used to.) I am worried that if I don't constantly talk to people and get reassurance that they aren't going to walk up and leave me that I will be flat out left. This has made many friendships awkward and the reassurance needed in more intimate relationships always comes across as clingy. I don't know what to feel, I always feel like this flaw of mine needs to be ignored, so I convince myself I am fine and I push it deep deep down inside of me where I pretend it is no longer there but usually, it finds its way back to the surface and is all the worse.
I started university this past year and I met some great people who actually make me forget about all of the bad that I feel, and make me focus on the good...but when I'm not with them, I do begin to feel anxious all over again. (Keep in mind that being a first year student I was in residence and would see these people basically 24/7.) Now, while in my first year of university I entered a relationship, I was head over-heals as it was my first "boyfriend," but like most things, it came to an end when I found out he cheated on me. Since then, I really am having even more issues, like him cheating was my fault and that surely it will happen in the future again and the issue must lie with me. With this all being said, I am currently in another relationship and everything seems to be going fine because I am fortunate enough to have a friend I can rant my anxieties to...
I guess what I am getting to, is that I am scared. I'm scared because I woke up a few days ago and felt sad, but a different kind of sad and not like they type I have felt these past few years. I felt like I didn't care and that bad will happen and I deserve it. I also felt sort of empty? Like I know I am feeling these emotions but its felt inside and that I don't think there is anything tangible with them anymore.
Will this go away...am I just broken? I have no idea...I know this was scatterbrained and may not make sense, Its just how I am thinking and anything anyone can say will surely help me out.
Thanks
I am worried, I won't lie...
