Sad mood

[Stitch627]

I do not really have a question for you guys, I think I just need to talk to someone.

I have just realized that the year is almost over. Next week is the last week of class, and then I have the finals and then I'm done for this year.
And I'm like omg what? Already? Where has time gone by?
I mean I have wasted one more year...
I was really motivated though at the beginning at the year to change my life and in the end what has changed? ... Nothing. I'm still over-thinking about whether I'm gay or not, still doing actually nothing, still feeling quite unsatisfied with my life...
So yeah... today isn't a good day...

And for example, tomorrow, the gay association of my school organizes a party for the end of the year, a "gayla". And I think I'm curious about how it's gonna be like, I dunno, but all I know is that I won't go.
And if I am really gay, I could have used this opportunity that I have to be back to school to meet gays but ... I'm still stuck in the same fog.

Life sucks...

 

[Eeyore]

Is it a requirement that you be "out and proud" to attend? If not, then you should just go. Worst case scenario, you don't like it and you leave.


How old are you? You're talking like you're on your deathbed or something. Cheer up man, life's too short to spend time talking about what you should have done. Why waste time doing that when you could be out there doing those things right now?

 

[Eagle653]

I think your thread title pretty much captures how you're feeling, probably. But, I wonder if it's "just" a sad mood, or are you depressed?

You aren't the first (nor the last) who pissed away a year at college without making any of the changes they were fired up to make back in September. But, to be fair with yourself--and honest--why didn't you make any changes? What held you back?

Maybe just relying on your own initiative isn't enough. Maybe you need to visit with a counselor/therapist for a few sessions to sort things out and figure out a way to get off the dime and move forward in some constructive ways?

Figuring out if you're gay isn't rocket science. Knowing what to do about it, and figuring out a way to accept it is the tricky part. Maybe underneath it all, this is what's holding you back? Again, visiting with a counselor a few times might help you get past "go" on this so you can move forward.

Regarding the "gayla" (love that), I agree completely with Eeyore--just go. If you hate it, you can leave. If you enjoy it, you can stay. Who knows, it might lighten your mood, at least for an afternoon.

Good luck!

 

[Fucker29]

Regarding the "gayla" (love that), I agree completely with Eeyore--just go. If you hate it, you can leave. If you enjoy it, you can stay. Who knows, it might lighten your mood, at least for an afternoon.

I agree with this. Wanna start making changes? Start doing it by going to this Gayla thingy. Hmm..."all I know is I won't go"...why not? You're curious about it, supposedly you wanna make changes yet you won't take a chance on going to this event.

As to the question if you're gay or not, stop with the denial! You've said it yourself you're attracted to guys and not girls...what else do you need?

Read this article:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-2687.html

It's about mental rumination...wich is what you "have". You're always thinking about the problems, blah blah blah and not about possible SOLUTIONS. Want change? Well, it's not gonna fall from the sky like a gift from baby Jesus...you need to be more proactive!

 

[Stitch627]

Well no I'm not in College, I'm at Grad School, I'm 26...

And no I don't think I'm depressed, but it's been a bad week and that the top of it

Regarding the "gayla" (love that), I agree completely with Eeyore--just go.

I wish it was that easy

Honestly, going to this party, I don't see how I could do it, even if I might be interested.
I mean
- first, I would have to buy a ticket sold on the main floor of my school's building
- second, I'm not sure it's a requirement to be "out & proud" but I will most probably be the case
- third, I'll be alone, not really at ease, facing people I see everyday at school and who will recognize me. So, you'll tell me I may find some nice people I know, right but still...
- fourth, even checking out is difficult for people will see me

why didn't you make any changes? What held you back?

I don't know, probably the fear, and the fact that I keep telling myself that I may be following the wrong path

you need to be more proactive

I know or at least probably, but I'm stuck

As to the question if you're gay or not, stop with the denial! You've said it yourself you're attracted to guys and not girls...what else do you need?

It's not that crystal clear to me... unfortunately

 

[Fucker29]

I know or at least probably, but I'm stuck

I don't think you do know...not really.

It's not that crystal clear to me... unfortunately

You've told me yourself you've never found yourself attracted to girls, only to guys. How's that not crystal clear? Your fear of being what you are is what's holding you back...you're ALWAYS trying to find an explanation for your attraction to the same sex. You're hoping that by finding an explanation you can maybe reverse it somehow.
Maybe you're gay, maybe you're bi but STOP focusing so much on the goddamn labels! LIVE!!!

 

[Stitch627]

I don't think you do know...not really.

No I do know, the problem is that I do not know what to do

Your fear of being what you are is what's holding you back...you're ALWAYS trying to find an explanation for your attraction to the same sex. You're hoping that by finding an explanation you can maybe reverse it somehow.Maybe you're gay, maybe you're bi but STOP focusing so much on the goddamn labels! LIVE!!!

You've already told me that before and I think you're probably right but I don't know how to do it...

 

[Eagle653]

You've already told me that before and I think you're probably right but I don't know how to do it...

Knowing what you don't know is a huge part of this. Congratulations on that.

You need to unearth those things (probably fears) that are holding you back. You may be fearing untoward reactions to people knowing you're gay, and perhaps because you don't like the idea yourself.

On some level, I suspect you know Fucker29 is right and perhaps agree with him. The problem is convincing yourself.

I'd hate to think you were spinning your wheels in your own head for another year. I agree with you that you are probably stuck. A good way to get unstuck is to talk it out with someone. If you don't want to go through the formality of seeing a therapist for a few sessions, then make friends with a confident gay man and just talk to him. Get it off your chest with another live person in your presence. If you're too uncomfortable talking to someone you know, zero in on someone you don't know (but know of). You need an outside perspective, a friend, someone to validate you. I really feel for you in so much angst. I know what that's like, and know how unnecessary it is.

 

[spencer]

so you don't want to go out to a gay party alone where you might see everyone you know at school (how small is this college anyway?), then don't.

go to a gay bar, sit and have a drink and say hi to a few people. there's a first for everything and now is your opportunity. If you see someone who might recognize you, they're in your same boat and won't say anything (or you can just leave). Take baby steps, but take A STEP not just bow out.

 

[Fucker29]

No I do know, the problem is that I do not know what to do



You've already told me that before and I think you're probably right but I don't know how to do it...

Well, maybe you should take the time to read the article I've posted earlier...it has some advice on how to break out of the rumination cycle.