sad news

[eric55]

Hey there guys. I haven't posted here in so long, I'm not sure if I should come here with this or not. I have just broken up with my husband of sevenn years and today, about 12 days after the break-up. I'm feeling really scared and sad.

It's a long story. As you can imaging 7 years has alot of history attached to it. But in a nut shell, after seven happy years, I found myself living with my best friend in the whole world... but not in love with him.

Leaving was the hardest thing I've EVER had to do. We weren't having fights, our relationship wasn't difficult. We got along great. I just felt I was lying through my teeth pretending that I was in love with him. Don't get me wrong. I love this guy, if I didn't it wouldn't have been so hard to leave. But there wasn't any fire in that love, it was the kind of love you have for your brother or your best friend. Making love just wasn't happening, our sex lives had been pretty empty for some time.

Leaving was because I realised that I couldn't face a life just going through the motions of love. I didn't want to live that way, and I didn't want to lead him along, living a half a life when he should have a relationship that is full and real.

Well, anyways... today I'm feeling very blue. I'mm contemplating everything I've left behind and I'm feeling scared, even though I still beleive I made the right decision.

There's more to this story, which I'll post as I have time. Right now, just getting this off my chest feels better.

 

[herenthere]

You loved him enough to do the right thing....Stay strong, you will find your soul mate...

 

[slobone]

That took a lot of guts. It's always hard to be the one who has to make the decision when something just isn't working. I hope the two of you can still be friends -- if not now, then at least in a while. Good luck to you both.

 

[natedogg323]

Eric,
From what I can tell you made a very wise decision. Even though its really hard and lonely right now, I think you'll find that true love in every sense will find its way once again into your life. Just be patient and talk with people who are positive and can be supportive in your time of need. We're here for you buddy.

 

[Rand]

What is the meaning of passion

I wish I could find an occupation I was passionate about

I wish I could find a cause to be passionate about

I wish I could find a person who fueled my passion

 

[Snickers52]

eric55, I have to say the way you describe your situation after 7 years sounds like the vast majority of people I know who've been together that long. Most couples get to a point in their relationship where, what I call the "lust factor" is pretty much gone and they just learn to get comfortable with each other. You're only 38 so you're still young and maybe you still want the lust to be in your relationship. Guys who are older have many times gotten over that desire and prefer to just be happy with who they're with.

When it comes down to it, either you're happy or you're not, for whatever reason. If you're not, then it's probably best for the both of you that you split.

 

[johnflagc]

yes, Eric, am sure you made the right decision so hang in there and never give up on love as you never know when you will meet that someone.........just be true to yourself and be open to new relationships.........

 

[Croynan]

This may seem inappropriate given the circumstances, but for some reason this slice of literay make believe seems to best describe my reactions to what I have just read. It is not meant to be rude, and I am probably the last person around here to make any comments regarding this thread but in all honesty, this was/is the first thing that came to my mind after reading what is posted.

If any further comments of mine might be of any value and or use, please feel free to contact me, pm or e-mail, otherwise, it might night be appropriate for me to not to comment any further.

The Walrus and The Carpenter
Lewis Carroll
(from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

 

[Seasoned]

Since you spilled your guts, I feel like I have the right to weigh in on the other side. Was any of this ever discussed by the two of you? Are you both aware that relationships require work and that couples therapy is available? It is sad to leave history and intimacy behind. It's easy to feel passion for someone new. Relationships ebb and flow. There are even books which speak to sustaining gay relationships. Good luck with whatever happens. I hope for both your sakes that this was hashed out and still proved hopeless.

 

[eric55]

Thanks for your perspective and support guys. It's nice to hear that not everyone thinks I've lost my mind.

When my parent's heard the news my mom basically told me that I was throwing away my best chance at a future and that I would wake up alone, broke and probably sick (yeah, I couldn't beleive that either... thanks for the vote of confidence mom). Some people in our circle don't understand what has happened, some have cut me right off, and at night, when I wake up and it's dark, my mom's words come back to keep me company.

When I began to question the relationship I was in, I asked myself, is this what it's supposed to be like? Is this what being married is supposed to be? Or am I settling for what is easy? I have a record of following the easy road sometimes, and I've become afraid that my life has become the sum of easy decisions. I may have made a wrong decision with this, but I atleast can beleive that I did not make it easilly or without much introspection. If I have made a colossal mistake, I can atleast own it fully with the knowledge that I didn't simply drift to the easy path, but made a decision.


I'll keep telling my little story as I have the time over the next few days and as it comes to me.... it's surprisng to me how much writting this down and hearing other people's thoughts are helping me sort through all this aftermath.

Thanks for listening

 

[herenthere]

Stay strong my friend....I have walked in your shoes, and I know how hard and lonely you are righ now. It is only natural that you will doubt your decision, but you owe it to yourself and your X to be real.

Hugs to you!!!

 

[herenthere]

Oooopppssss.....

"i Know How Hard It Is For You Now, And How Lonely You Feel"

 

[buzzj]

That is very sad news--- I wish both of you the best!

 

[eric55]

Hey guys, sorry I know I said I'd post more of the story, but it was a long weekend up here and I was away at my folks place.


Things are starting to settle down finally. My parents have made their peace with this difficult situation and have started showing their supportive side. I had a rough day Saturday when I was back at our shared house to finish moving out my stuff. It's so hard to walk away from so much shared history. I had a big crying fit when a friend came over to help pack the rest of my things into his car. Seems like there are always more tears.

To reply to Soreknees and Snickers, I have thought of what you mention. My parents and many of my friends brought up the same point. It was one of the hardest things to satisfy myself with. The idea that I had always accepted, that after a while the fireworks go down, that routine sets in and things loose their shine. Rest assured, I always knew that life would become normal and loose it's flash. We spent many years happy in a routine and buried in projects that replaced flash and sex and we were both ok with that. Furthermore, I liked that settled simple life.

The question is, just how platonic do you allow your life to become. My partner still needed my physical attention, still needed me to be loving towards him. I found myself, upon LOTS of introspection, to be unable to be genuine in what he was asking. I felt very strongly about keeping a nice house, making sure we ate well and took care to ensure our well being. But I also realised I was always looking for time alone, always a little too happy to work late. I am a very tactile and physical partner, and I found myself getting irritated by his attentions and stingy with my own. In short, he had become someone I liked and took care of, but not someone with whom I felt an intimate connection.

The root causes of the demise of my partnership we discussed and isentified and I won't go into them here. They are private and personal. I will say though, after 7 years I have learned a BIG lesson. I have made a promise to myself to never again be silent. I have always tended to be accepting and flexible. I thought accomodating my partner was the secret to a good and durable relationship. I could never understand people who had fights, we never had fights. Saddly, I know now that we never had fights because I gave in before even aproaching a fight. Fights are not a breakdown in a relationship, I believe now that fights (discussions, not screaming or physical fights obviously) are signs of a healthy relationship where both partners are true to themselves instead of subsuming their identities into their partner to make him happy.


If anyone cares to pick up a gem out of my earthquake take this one.... Learn to know yourself. Hang on to who you are. And lastly, when you find someone to be with, be true to yourself and him.... If he is truly to love you, you must share who you really are, warts and disagreements too. Don't be tempted to provide your prospective partner the fantasy he is looking for, because in the long run you will run out of energy to maintain it, and then BOTH of you will be terribly hurt.

No matter who you are, there is someone out there who will love you honestly and truly.... but to find them, you must first find yourself and then find the courrage to be true to yourself.

 

[3nipples]

No matter who you are, there is someone out there who will love you honestly and truly.... but to find them, you must first find yourself and then find the courrage to be true to yourself.

Many people say that communication is the key to a good relationship and it is, but it's not the only one... you've hit on the other one.

 

[dpnice]

Naturally I sympathise with your situation.

But having read what you have so far written I am left feeling more sad for your partener than for you.

How about just a few lines to let us know how he is coping with it.

I hope this doesn't sound too cruel but it was just the instantaneous impression I got on reading your story. Perhaps I felt that it seemed as though you were capable of surviving but I had no information on whether he would or not.

 

[dolphwasser]

I've heard very similar stories (yes, more than one) from straight friends, so this all doesn't come as a shock. I still don't understand how things reach a point like this that causes one to sever a relationship like you describe - it's just foreign to me. But I do feel for the both of you and hope you each find a true, lasting love. Hang in there - there will probably be many more 'crying' times ahead.

Remember that you have many ears here to open up to, many shoulders to cry on, and many arms to reach out if you need.

 

[Lube]

I will say though, after 7 years I have learned a BIG lesson. I have made a promise to myself to never again be silent. I have always tended to be accepting and flexible. I thought accomodating my partner was the secret to a good and durable relationship. I could never understand people who had fights, we never had fights. Saddly, I know now that we never had fights because I gave in before even aproaching a fight. Fights are not a breakdown in a relationship, I believe now that fights (discussions, not screaming or physical fights obviously) are signs of a healthy relationship where both partners are true to themselves instead of subsuming their identities into their partner to make him happy.

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with that.

Giving in solves nothing--because then the partner learns to expect it. It's really hard to change that expectation without breaking up.

 

[luminum]

I guess the situation is sad, so the romantic idealist in mean doesn't agree with the outcome, but then again, I don't know how far you went to examine everything and work at it so I can't say anything for sure. I guess I can only trust that you made the right choice after considerable thought on it. I'm sure you did. Good luck.