Safer Sex Issues Put Simply

[Dastarr]

Hey All,

Sorry for the longish post, but have read through most of the Health/Wellbeing section and still have some questions relating to safer sex maybe someone can help me with.

For as long as Ive known I was Gay, Ive always been a safer only minded guy, and such that my first Gay experience at 15 (which basically only amounted to a bit of kissing and touching) gave me some serious paranoia about stds and hiv in particular, that I got scared off doing anything again unti I was really ready to deal with it.

This started a period of a bout 3-4 years of trying to educate myself about the ins and outs of how stds (in particular hiv) was and wasnt transmitted, although me being me (also with a history of OCD before this) ran into a lot of confusing and conflicting information as you do doing the internet doctor research thing, and I went through a short period where I made myself get tested a couple times periodically for (in hindsight) absolutely ridiculous 'exposures' which thankfully I know now I had no chance in hell of catching anything from in the first place.

As I grew to learn more and more however, this period of paranoia subsided a lot (and stopped getting tested for stupid things), but I still carry some questions now In the past year ive came out to myself and am ready to enter the dating world again, so I thought I'd ask here.

Now I dont/wont do anal or rimming, and as this seems to be the easiest way to transmit hiv, I think i'll be fairly safe that that regard. Also Ive decided that im not going to do anything with a guy unless im in a relationship and I'd have to trust him quite literally with my life (which could be a lot to ask).

I guess my main issue is concerning the 'mutual masturbation' risk of transmitting hiv. everyone seems to say youre fine and have absolutely nothing to worry about here if this is all you do (and for me this is especially true, because I love Kissing, frotting and stuff, or as much as a virgin can, haha), but Im sorry I just cant see how this is the case.

I mean, even If I trusted my guy, with precum and cum going everywhere (unless you use a condom for everything, which im sure nobody does unless youre both really paranoid) I'd always be a little worried about it splashing in my eyes, touching it then rubbing my eye or the head of my penis landing in it (which I understand is also a 'mucous membrane' and can act as an absorbent to the virus) or even when you get into the wishy washy talk of 'it has to be a substantial amount of virus/fluid' vs 'how 'open' does a scratch/cut/sore have to be before its a risk if fluid is wiped over/spilled on it' I get really confused and worried that even though I wont do anal and will only do stuff with a 'trusted' boyfriend, I feel im always never going to feel secure in my safe sex practices because you never know.

Now I understand to a lot of you guys if youve read to this part may think I sound like a complete neurotic nutter and shouldn't worry about it, theres always going to be some element of risk and I could get hit by a truck tomorrow;

I understand and I probably am gonna have to try to get over this fear if im ever going to have any kind of loving, worry free intimacy with a Boyfriend, but if someone could explain more about this part of safe sex In simpler terms I'd really appreciate it. I've read a few stories from Pos/neg couples where they've had a lot of low risk 'accidents' with casual contact and never transmitted, and they allay my fears somewhat, but its still a bit confusing.

I mean sometimes I'm glad and feel lucky to be mindful and smart about safe sex, but then there are times where I feel I'm just too damn over-Analytical for my own good.

Hopefully all that made some sense, can anyone help me with my weird circumstances and questions?

thanks guys.

 

[Georgiadude]

"I mean sometimes I'm glad and feel lucky to be mindful and smart about safe sex, but then there are times where I feel I'm just too damn over-Analytical for my own good."

Ya think?!?!

I think your going way overboard here. Yes one needs to be careful and yes sometimes hiv does lead to death. However as you pointed out you could get hit by a truck tomorrow. Provided you leave your home. My God man. Get out and enjoy life a little. Find someone you trust. Discuss your fears and let them assure you of their status. Get comfortable with them and have a little fun. Your going to "if this happens or what about this or that" yourself into a life of being alone. Too scared to do anything. Life is about taking risks and challenges. Educate yourself and be careful. That doesn't mean you have to live in a bubble. Protected from everything at all times. Simply put, your overreacting.

In the end it's up to you. Do you want to be by yourself too afraid of a "what if" or be logical and enjoy the company of another human.

Good luck.

Steven.

 

[Dastarr]

Thanks Georgiadude, but your post really wasnt all that helpful.

I know I sound like a raving lunatic, but can someone please address my question? Im just tired of all these 'whoops... unprotected anal/rimming/etc' which really dont apply to me -

I also understand im unexperienced and hardly know anything about the practicailties of sex yet but would like to hear some accounts of just how stuff like mutual masturbation is done safely when (in my mind at least) I cant see how you wouldnt have things like the other guys cum rubbing into your penis or on your hands touching your eye etc i.e. the 'cum on me, not in me' thing ive been reading about - without the whole thing becoming an awkward dance to make sure things arent landing where they shouldn't so to speak - however 'miniscule' the risks are.

Just these little things you dont hear enough clear explanation on since everyone seems to be worried about the most obvious routes of infection, would go a long way to those of us who are unsure about these things - again, as stupid and paranoid as we may come off asking about them.

I'm also asking here so I continue getting well educated and that 'discussion' when I do meet my future partner isnt anywhere near as psychotic and crazed sounding as it seems to be here that I scare the poor guy off - just a simple (but important and sensible nonetheless) chat is all thats needed.

hopefully everybody can understand this.

thanks again guys.

 

[8tomtoms8]

I understand your frustration. All the means of HIV transmission you listed could possibly occur in the right circumstance. The only safe way is to find a fellow and date him. Don't fool around with him. Discuss the fact that you want to be exclusive and hopefully he will too. You both discuss your sexual histories and go and get tested together. Wait the appropriate amount of time (I think 6 months) and get retested. Neither of you can have any sexual contact with other people during the 6 months. After your second test if all is clear you will be able to have sex with each other and feel pretty comfortable.
It is a pretty big commitment and few guys are willing to wait/do it, but monogamy is really the only way to feel totally safe. Also, you have to be sure he isn't cheating on you.
If you want to "play the field" like most gay guys, you are putting yourself at risk. There is no way to around it.

 

[AdmiraalW238]

Hi Dastarr if you live in NSW then can I suggest you contact the Information line on 1800 451 600 and they can best answer your questions.

If you are not in NSW then send me a PM and I will give the necessary numbers for the Australian state you live in.

 

[saxaphonic]

"I feel im always never going to feel secure in my safe sex practices because you never know".

You don't ever know. Same with other aspects of your life. Unless you feel equally paranoid about your non-sexual risks in life, you need to transfer that attitude to your sex life.

 

[Georgiadude]

I think you missed my point. I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm really trying to help.

My point is you already know the answers. You've done the research and read up on things. We aren't going to tell you anything you don't already know. Yes it's possible to transmit something even through mutual masturbation. You could have him wear a condom while you jerk him off and they make flavored condoms for oral. There is a chance of leakage or of the condom breaking. Semen and pre ejaculate are body fluids and may contain an STD or HIV. However what are the chances of transmitting something that way. I don't have the exact figures and I don't know where you would find something that exact. However it would be extremely low. As others have pointed out. Aside from remaining celibate your going to have to take a chance. Now you can try and put the odds in your favor even more than they already are by being very selective of who you are with and the types of activities you do. Get to know the person. Explain your concerns. Each get tested and hope he is willing to be faithful to you. Be as careful as you can. But the only absolute 100% safe way is no contact at all. I don't think you want to live your life like that.

Are you being paranoid? Yes. I think a little bit. But your not being crazy or psychotic. It's a good thing to be educated and careful. However you can't let fear or being analytical run your life. You can take the calculated risk after talking with the person and enjoy yourself or not and remain celibate. It's up to you.

I mean this in the nicest way possible. I'm not trying to be a smart ass or anything like that at all. I just think your really over thinking this.

Best regards

Steven.

 

[Dastarr]

^Thats ok, I didnt think you were trying to be mean, I just wanted to see if I could get something a little more specific and clear out of all this thats all.

That and I feel I shouldn't have to be afraid of sounding a total paranoid and asking the stupidest questions - after all thats what this area of the forum is all about right?

anyway thank you all for the replies. I think maybe I am being somewhat OTT and maybe (like a lot of other things im trying to work through at the moment) I have some issues with Control and trusting anyone other than myself that much.

- Especially when it comes to this subject, and maybe i have to accept that I cant control everything and there's always going to be a small amount of risk short of staying celibate, but what I can control as much as possible is the type of person I can trust enough with all that and I agree with you there, saxaphonic and Georgiadude.

Just need to keep working on learning how to let go a little bit I guess - whilst still trying to be as safe as is humanly possible.

Again thanks for the replies guys. Just needed to vent.

 

[Georgiadude]

Your welcome.

I don't think your being stupid at all. Never, ever be afraid to ask a question. If someone has a problem with that. Too bad. Who are they to judge.


I'm glad you got my point. You can't control everything. At some point your going to have to trust someone and be ok with it. Do your best to be careful, ask the right questions and then enjoy the time you have with that person. I've talked myself into many terrible decisions. Over thought things and jumped to the wrong conclusion many time. I'm learning to trust and have faith in people. It doesn't come easy but it does make life more enjoyable.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

Steven.

 

[3nipples]

You are probably imagining that one viral cell getting past your defenses is going to infect you. It isn't like that. HIV infected sperm splattering your skin just doesn't have much of a chance against your body's defenses. Neither does the low concentration of it that you might find in pre-come. The high risk activities are the ones you've read about. The ones where you can't find information, well it's because they're not considered risks.

But don't be afraid to ask specific questions about the different situations that pop into your head. That's what the forum is here for.