Safety (Dating sites and/or casual sex)

[jazmraz]

Okay, so I'm thinking of trying to embrace my sexuality, which I think I just recently came to terms with. I've joined the dating website Gaydar and I'm thinking of going to some gay establishments (and I won't lie, this may include some sex-on-premises venues). However, I don't know any other gay people so my perceptions are based mainly on Queer as Folk and other media, which sounds a little silly now that I think about it, but I've got nothing else to go on. And to be honest, it's a little scary and quite dangerous compared to a 'normal'/straight lifestyle that everyone around me seems to enjoy.

Therefore, I came here to see how accurate my fears are.

Possible Myth #1: HIV/AIDS
Is HIV/AIDs a big risk with oral/anal? Is it any more of a risk than with straight-people sex? Can I get it even if I use protection? Any way to tell if someone has it?

Possible Myth #2: Drugs
If Queer as Folk has taught me anything, it's that drugs are common in the gay scene. Supporting this are a couple of things. Firstly, a podcast I listened to had the hosts talking about amyll use as if it were a normal everyday thing. Secondly, the number of profiles I've seen on gaydar with 'Yes', 'Socially' or 'Rather not say' in the Drugs field.

Possible Myth #3: Seedy people
This isn't so much of a 'gay' thing than it is a 'dating website' thing. I've never been on a dating website before but I'm paranoid that if I meet people something bad will happen (eg. they'll bash me, steal from me, adbuct me) and/or they'll turn out to look nothing like their picture and be nutters, serial killers, cannibals, etc. (Maybe I exaggerated a little, but it could happen right?)

Possible Myth #4: Gay Bashings
I live in Australia and I wanted to go volunteer at Mardi Gras, which is happening in Sydney at the moment, but there have been reports of hate crimes and gay bashings in the area. Are these common or is it the media doing its thing?

I realise some of what I have said may seem a little farfetch'd to some of you (if it indeed turns out to be false) but, I just need confirmation for my peace of mind and I've got nobody else to turn to. Thanks for reading.

 

[altlover85]

I'm no expert, but I'll quickly address the things I have some knowledge in.

1.) HIV risk is highest with unprotected anal sex. There's almost no risk from oral sex as far as HIV goes. However, you could get other STI's from oral sex, so it's not a risk free activity.

2.) I don't know what amylls are, but I don't know many people gay or straight that use any drugs other than pot on a regular basis. It just depends on who you're hanging around with and not his or her sexuality.

3.) Yes, there are seedy people online and also in gay bars and everywhere else. You should meet people you don't know in public places. You don't have to have sex on the first meeting if you don't want to.

4.) I don't know about what the prevalence of gay bashing is in Sydney as I'm from the states. I would think at any large gay event you'd generally be pretty safe. Make sure you're aware of your surrounding and don't go off to secluded places with strangers. Try not to get too drunk either.

 

[treanir]

Possible Myth #1: HIV/AIDS
Unprotected anal sex is a risky activity when it comes to HIV, but unprotected oral is not. There are no documented cases of seroconversion through unsafe oral, though of course you can get other STI's that way. See also (among many other sites): poz.com and avert.org.

Condoms aren't 100% foolproof, but they do greatly reduce the chance of transmission of any STI. Keep the expiration date in mind and open the wrapper around the condom carefully (ie. not with your teeth!). While we're on the subject: if you think you may have been exposed to HIV (e.g. if the condom broke during sex), you can/should start a treatment of PEP or post-exposure prophylaxis. This should be done within 72 hours of exposure.

Can you tell if someone is HIV-positive? No.

This may sound scary, but remember that you determine what you will do with someone and what you won't do. Many people don't have anal sex with one-night stands, for example. If that is what you choose, then don't let anyone pressure you into doing it anyway. Your body, your choice.



Possible Myth #2: Drugs
The use of drugs all depends on the group you are in. I myself am in a few different groups of friends. In some groups, weed, XTC, GHB and cocaine are pretty much party favours. In others, no drugs are used. Queer as Folk, naturally, shows the 'exciting' side of gay life. Amyl nitrates (poppers), I find, are very common. Especially if you start having casual sex, you'll see that a lot of guys use them during sex. Again, your choice whether you want to try them or not. Same goes for groups you want to hang out with.


Possible Myth #3: Seedy people
I've been on quite a few dates (and 'dates') from gay sites. While not all experiences have been positive, I've never had a really bad experience. Just keep a few basic rules in mind:
* Phone calls and webcam chats are your friend. Use them often. If a guy gives a lame excuse for not wanting to, run like the wind. Doubly so for a guy who refuses to show you a picture.
* ALWAYS meet in a public place first.

And the #1 rule:
* Listen to what your instinct says. If you think something is off, there probably is.


Possible Myth #4: Gay Bashings
I was at the Mardi Gras in 2008 and I loved it. You'll have a great time there, I'm sure! I don't know the situation in Sydney at the moment, but it's always a good idea to go with a group. They can inform you of the areas to avoid and you will have a bit of a safety net for the big events. Volunteering will automatically place you in a group and I know there are plenty of social events going on right now that you may wish to check out (the Harbour City Bears come to mind, but that's a personal preference). Mardi Gras is a great time to dive into everything gay life has to offer, because it shows so many facets.

 

[KaraBulut]

I don't know any other gay people so my perceptions are based mainly on Queer as Folk and other media, which sounds a little silly now that I think about it, but I've got nothing else to go on. And to be honest, it's a little scary and quite dangerous compared to a 'normal'/straight lifestyle that everyone around me seems to enjoy.

Queer as Folk was Sex and the City for gay men. Exaggerated. Over-the-top. Stereotypical. A kernel of truth slathered in a whole lot of buttery shock value for entertainment purposes.

The "gay lifestyle" is whatever you want it to be. That's the beauty of it. If you want to live in the suburbs with a husband and 2.5 kids and a dog, you can choose that. If you want to be out licking cum off the floor of the local gay sauna, you can go that route. If you want to be a glamorous single metrosexual living in the city, that's an option too.

If you're lucky, you learn pretty quickly that gay people are just like anyone else- they can be marvelous down-to-earth people, they can be boring-as-fuck. They can be your best friend or they can be someone you wouldn't want to give the time of day. In other words, they're pretty much like straight people.

While it's good that you're asking these questions, perhaps it might be worth rethinking how you've set out to meet gay people. Instead, find gay guys that you share common interests with. Get to know them like you would any other person that you meet.

 

[Seasoned]

I want to welcome you to JUB and wish you well. I don't have a lot of advice since I haven't dated since 1983, except to say that a bit of fear isn't necessarily a bad thing. Use your best judgement when hooking up and always practice safe sex with properly stored condoms. Realize that alcohol and other drugs cloud judgement and lower inhibitions. There can be a danger element to hooking up whether gay or straight because it's so often done in secret and seedy characters may lurk in that environment. Having gay friends or any understanding straight friends is helpful because they can provide up to the minute feedback and they know you best. Even in the late 70s and 80s I never left a drink unattended and was careful with offered beverages when at a stranger's home or apartment. Most people end up acknowleging some risky behavior just in the course of exploring life. It seems to boil down to that adage of the wrong place and time, and that's when there is no substitute for a good friend that knows you well.

 

[hotb0d]

Well, the slow process is to do it old school: find a cute guy, ask him on a date, get to know him, have some more dates, have a kiss, hold hands, increase level of trust, get naked, and FIREWORK!

long but safe route

If you want to experiment and get your feet wet. You can't feel the heat if you don't play with fire. Possible risk of getting STI/HIV is always relevant. The only way for you to be absolutely sure that you won't get any is by going through the long route (see above). Other than that, just be as safe as possible and that really is all you can do. Always use condom, be spontaneous but not too freaky.

 

[jazmraz]

Thanks for the replies guys! If I think about it rationally, I know that it would be ideal to meet people the normal way, but I have never met a single other gay person in my life. I feel like the last of my kind or something. So yeah, that's why I'm trying to look into these 'gay only' places. Just to ward off the feeling that I'm gonna die alone and horny. I've even been looking at escorts, which in the 'normal' world would be construed as sleazy and desperate but strangely doesn't seem so to me.

 

[altlover85]

Thanks for the replies guys! If I think about it rationally, I know that it would be ideal to meet people the normal way, but I have never met a single other gay person in my life. I feel like the last of my kind or something. So yeah, that's why I'm trying to look into these 'gay only' places. Just to ward off the feeling that I'm gonna die alone and horny. I've even been looking at escorts, which in the 'normal' world would be construed as sleazy and desperate but strangely doesn't seem so to me.

Are you near any big cities? Any small cities?

There are places where you can meet gay guys in most communities.

I also understand your feeling and in the town I grew up in, I ended up going the online route, as well as the college I went to, and did end up meeting someone that later became my boyfriend.

I would try googling gay community centers in your area, as well as gay bars.

You may also want to try www.meetup.com, depending on where you live because they have meeting based on interests so you may find some friends or a boyfriend there.

Finally you can also use some dating sites to look for friends and not just sex.

Good luck!