Saying the Truth if Asked?

[socaldude]

Hey guys, Im going back home for spring break soon (im a college junior) and Im undecided whether or not I should tell my family that im gay/bi leaning towards guys if they ask me. I dont plan on volunteering this information until summer, if even then, and to a very very select few. But I prefer not to lie, especially if they already sort of know. Sorry if this is a tad longish lol.

Familywise: I think they have some minor suspicions. Im not telling my brother at all hes still in high school and Im fairly certain that hes straight despite him being the drama queen and I the stoic teutonic palladin.

My Dad I really trust and love, and will tell him if he asks. Hes not fond of gays, but I think its mostly based on the stereotypical flamers, which I definetly am not. Hes also logical and cant hurt me physicaly or financialy. Hes very proud of my athletic and academic capabilities. As a young child when my mother would be in one of her menopasual rages, we would oftentimes have to spend the entire weekend away from our house with the exception of sleeping, even though he worked long hours during the week and she didnt have a job, as he thought that her anger was a bad influence. Reverse their genders and all of society would have screamed divorce unanimously. Yet he never even once cheated on her! We are also very much alike in personality and taste.

My Mom, on the other hand is much more accepting of gays, but she dosnt know that she has a son who likes other guys yet. She is oftentimes insecure, extremely emotional and judgemental despite her love. On christmas/easter while my dad is more into the personal faith side of the holiday and having fun, my mom seems usually more interested in keeping up appearances to her mom and complete strangers. she also seems to think that the reason that I dont have a GF yet is because I play video games, am busy academicaly, and have 'playmates' like my dad used to before he met her. Shes right on the playmates, but theyre actually all guys. My gut instinct is that her reaction will be erratic, changing day to day and possibly moment by moment (she can be laughing one second then get ticked off at an innocent comment and start slamming doors) with 'its ok' 'dam you i want grandkids' 'what did i do wrong' 'im sorry' and tons of drama. I also cant trust her not to blurt it out when my brothers around if shes in one of her rages.

I am also much more comfortable psychologicaly and ethically lying to her as I did this out of necessity as a child in order to have fun and sanity, as she is very micromanaging and paranoid of 'emergencies'. I oftentimes put on a 'puppet show' of me being everything that she demanded so that she wouldnt suspect i was doing dangerous, risque things such as visiting a fellow teammates/friends house w/o an adult around for swiming/halo instead of pot smoking or getting a short ride to school with someone under 18 as that and 21 are the magic numbers of acceptance. It didnt help that I was getting super high GPAs, awards, track victories and have the impression that I have a bad ass past life(s) and or strong ancestral memories of a more honorable time. I think Rome.

So....should I tell my Mom if she asks? Or make excuses? With the exception of liking guys I act totally straight and I think I could trust my dad to back me up as well, even if it takes some convincing.

 

[Blueboy369]

Look at it like this. If you're dating someone and you want to share it with them, then go ahead. If your not seeing anyone than you can be honest about that too. Just say I'm not dating anyone at the moment.

 

[Guy89]

I used to use that strategy too. I'm pretty "straight acting" so the only reason people would get suspicious of me is because I didn't have a girlfriend. I was too embarassed to just blurt it out so I decided I'd just be truthful if they ever asked. Well I ended up telling them before they ever asked. But with some of my friends I used that and it worked fine. Though when one friend asked I just wasn't ready to tell her and I said no, which made me feel so guilty because I hate lieing and I went back on the whole thing... So the only problem I found with that tactic was just being asked when you least expect it and aren't ready for it.

 

[randyrides]

can I just say here that I really don't like the term "straight acting"? I think it is demeaning and implies that gay men should be ashamed of being perceived as gay, by whatever criteria you have set up for yourself. I also think too many gay men see this "straight acting" description as a positive, ie I'm not a screaming queen and that makes me more acceptable.

I can't help but compare it to the old days when light skinned men of color used to "pass" for white. The argument could be made in both cases that this "straight acting" or "passing" was merely a necessity to gain acceptance in a hostile world,
but it goes deeper than that.

Any time you have to pretend to be somebody you are not, in this case heterosexual, or carry yourself in such a way so that people will believe you are heterosexual, I think it means you are not proud to be a gay man. Period.

There's something inherently wrong with that, and I find it especially disturbing in a young, obviously intellectually gifted gay man. It's 2008, honey, you don't have to ashamed to be gay. You don't have to pretend to be straight or invent pretend girlfriends. You are who you are. Own it. The world will adapt, or not. You will still be gay regardless.

How your friends and family react to your gayness will depend alot on how they see you handling your gayness. If you're ashamed of it, why shouldn't they be?
If you carry yourself with the attitude of "I'm gay, but I don't act like I'm gay so no one can tell", then you can't blame your parents if their attitude is "We'll accept the fact that you're gay as long as you keep it a secret." Is that really what you want?

Not getting on your case, I'm just saying, any self respecting gay man who "acts straight" is not doing himself or the rest of us any favors, and frankly, any gay man who describes himself as "straight acting" is putting down the rest of us who are trying to live authentic lives as gay men.

[now gingerly stepping off my soapbox and wishing you well with your coming out]

 

[Bruski-101]

Never be sorry (unless it is deserved) If and If they ask honesty wins allways. Best to you.

 

[FootballMuscle]

I'm a college senior and I planned on telling everyone by making a big announcement. Yet a few months ago, before that day came, I got involved in a relationship. My friends starting figuring it out too. So instead of having a big day where everyone found out, I followed the "tell the truth if asked" approach.

And it's worked out really well.

 

[socaldude]

Thanks for all of your input! Its been very helpful.
Im sorry of I offended anyone, I meant 'masculine' instead of 'straight acting', it was just an accident Im a bit more used to writing polisci papers than this sort of thing lol.

 

[pausanias_usa]

I firmly believe it should never be a "BIG ANNOUNCEMENT."

That always makes it more "earth-shattering" a bit of news than it really is. Just casually make a comment at some point like "pretty girl? Girls aren't my type" or something like that.

 

[Guy89]

can I just say here that I really don't like the term "straight acting"? I think it is demeaning and implies that gay men should be ashamed of being perceived as gay, by whatever criteria you have set up for yourself. I also think too many gay men see this "straight acting" description as a positive, ie I'm not a screaming queen and that makes me more acceptable.

I can't help but compare it to the old days when light skinned men of color used to "pass" for white. The argument could be made in both cases that this "straight acting" or "passing" was merely a necessity to gain acceptance in a hostile world,
but it goes deeper than that.

Any time you have to pretend to be somebody you are not, in this case heterosexual, or carry yourself in such a way so that people will believe you are heterosexual, I think it means you are not proud to be a gay man. Period.

There's something inherently wrong with that, and I find it especially disturbing in a young, obviously intellectually gifted gay man. It's 2008, honey, you don't have to ashamed to be gay. You don't have to pretend to be straight or invent pretend girlfriends. You are who you are. Own it. The world will adapt, or not. You will still be gay regardless.

How your friends and family react to your gayness will depend alot on how they see you handling your gayness. If you're ashamed of it, why shouldn't they be?
If you carry yourself with the attitude of "I'm gay, but I don't act like I'm gay so no one can tell", then you can't blame your parents if their attitude is "We'll accept the fact that you're gay as long as you keep it a secret." Is that really what you want?

Not getting on your case, I'm just saying, any self respecting gay man who "acts straight" is not doing himself or the rest of us any favors, and frankly, any gay man who describes himself as "straight acting" is putting down the rest of us who are trying to live authentic lives as gay men.

[now gingerly stepping off my soapbox and wishing you well with your coming out]

I didn't mean any offense, hence why I put "straight acting" into quotations. By "straight acting" I meant that I don't possess any of the stereotypes, which whether most people like to admit or not stereotypes do exist in some situations. That's how I meant "straight acting", not that I'm going around pretending I'm straight, denying my homosexuality, getting girlfriends instead of boyfriends, etc. I just meant it as there were no hints that I might actually be gay other than me not going out with girls. I really don't mean any offense by any of that. It's just that some stereotypes really do exist and there's nothing wrong with them. But yeah, "masculine" would be a better term.

 

[KennyD]

If your family is basically accepting ... won't harm you verbally and /or physically .... and you do not depend on financial assistance ... THEN; be 100% HONEST and it will be over and done with ... like a load of bricks off of your shoulder ...

 

[p700granat]

can I just say here that I really don't like the term "straight acting"? I think it is demeaning and implies that gay men should be ashamed of being perceived as gay, by whatever criteria you have set up for yourself. I also think too many gay men see this "straight acting" description as a positive, ie I'm not a screaming queen and that makes me more acceptable.

I can't help but compare it to the old days when light skinned men of color used to "pass" for white. The argument could be made in both cases that this "straight acting" or "passing" was merely a necessity to gain acceptance in a hostile world,
but it goes deeper than that.

Any time you have to pretend to be somebody you are not, in this case heterosexual, or carry yourself in such a way so that people will believe you are heterosexual, I think it means you are not proud to be a gay man. Period.

There's something inherently wrong with that, and I find it especially disturbing in a young, obviously intellectually gifted gay man. It's 2008, honey, you don't have to ashamed to be gay. You don't have to pretend to be straight or invent pretend girlfriends. You are who you are. Own it. The world will adapt, or not. You will still be gay regardless.

How your friends and family react to your gayness will depend alot on how they see you handling your gayness. If you're ashamed of it, why shouldn't they be?
If you carry yourself with the attitude of "I'm gay, but I don't act like I'm gay so no one can tell", then you can't blame your parents if their attitude is "We'll accept the fact that you're gay as long as you keep it a secret." Is that really what you want?

Not getting on your case, I'm just saying, any self respecting gay man who "acts straight" is not doing himself or the rest of us any favors, and frankly, any gay man who describes himself as "straight acting" is putting down the rest of us who are trying to live authentic lives as gay men.

[now gingerly stepping off my soapbox and wishing you well with your coming out]

It is sad that we have to use the term "straight-acting", but when people use the term, it usually means what Cure-C meant: not being a stereotypical gay guy. In this sense, straight-acting is neither a postive or a negative thing, it's just one's natural life-style. Not every gay guy likes fashion, speaks with a high-pitched voice, walk with his butts swinging, and I'm sure you know that. And they are not doing this to hide something (even though they may consider it a "side-benefit"), it's just who they are, gay or not. To say somebody lacks pride or self-respect because of these is just unjustified. On the other hand, there seem to be many people nowadays who tried to act gay, to show off their "gayness" even though they don't originally fit into the sterotype. While I respect their courage, they could have let everyone know they're gay but don't fit into the stereotype. I feel many of the negative feelings the society have about gay guys are due to the stereotype, and it would probably create a more accepting environment if straight people starts to realize that not every gay guy fits into the stereotype.
Even for those who choose the other meaning of "straight-acting", e.g pretend to be straight, talks about boobs and girl-friends, they may have good reasons as well. Yes it's 2008, but homophobia is still pervasive, and hate-crimes due to sexual-orientation still occur everyday. While some people like myself have the luxury to live a liberal and open environment, many others, including many people here in JUB have too much to fear and too much to lose if people realize their sexual-orientation. So please don't attack "straight-acting". Just my $0.02. And sorry about going off-topic.

 

[youngnihilist]

It'll happen sooner or later so yeah why not? I'm like you that I act "totally straight" except I like guys and my dad who used to make fun of flamboyant said okay, well you're not flamboyant so no difference.

 

[KaraBulut]

So....should I tell my Mom if she asks?

Tell the truth.

Or make excuses?

Nope. When you do this, you give the message that you're ashamed or that being gay is something wrong.

With the exception of liking guys I act totally straight and I think I could trust my dad to back me up as well, even if it takes some convincing.

It's naive to think that you can tell one parent and not tell the other. If you're going to tell your mom, you need to be thinking about how you're going to tell your dad.