Second Opinion

[HarryPotterHimself]

Okay, I need a second opinion on this situation. I'll start with a little background. I'm very much in the closet to the people that know me. Only one friend of mine, who's gay, knows that I am as well, so I cant outwardly confront this situation without outting myself. Anywho, being gay and in the closet, I find my own ways to get sexual kicks, such as flirting with my friends in a "gay" way, like grabbing their asses and them grabbing or smacking mine in return, fake kissing them, tweaking their nipples, etc. You know the kinda stuff I'm talking about, how "straight" guys act gay with one another. I do it in excess sometimes though, being very physical and very flirty with guys I have a crush on, but not in a way they realize I'm flirting with them.

My dilemma:
I have a HUGE crush on a "straight" friend of mine. I go to his dorm every weekend to hang out, and even went to New York City with him over the summer, choosing him above like 90% of my friends, only having known him for maybe three months at the time. He and I aren't especially close, but we do talk about a lot of stuff. I--along with MANY MANY others--believe he's gay. My reasoning- he flirts with me (and some other guys) the same way I do with him. He goes out of his way sometimes to see or call me, he's very physical, he'll return a kiss on the cheek, or just do it randomly at times, he's very touchy with me, and on our first time meeting, we were already acting "gay" together, my face in his lap for a picture on a roller coaster. He always makes lude comments about fucking me and things of the such, saying more happened in New York than it did, but only in joke. The gayest he's ever gotten is having his pants down around his ankles and trying to jump on top of me. And we've gotten naked together (not touching however) in a friends bed for joke, with him putting his ass on me, leaning his crotch towards me, and rubbing my naked thigh. Now he and his closer friends claim he's not gay, but a few gay guys I know, as well as most straight people I know, think and say that he's gay. Based on what I've given you, what do you think?

 

[spreadeagle]

You should always judge people based on their actions rather than their words. I suppose, at your age, people often practice different modes of behaviour to see how they fit.

I think you're creating a dilemma for yourself by masquerading as a straight man so confident in his heterosexuality that he can afford to fool around with other guys because 'it doesn't mean anything'. It's a recipe for frustration and now' like the boy who cried wolf, you want it to mean something but no-one will believe you.

You want know the truth unless, when you're alone with your crush, you put your reputation on the line by revealing the way you really feel about him.

 

[HartfordGuy]

I don't know of any straight guys who kiss eachother. I'd say he has been just as curious about things as you are, thats why he was dropping so many hints.

If the opportunity arrises again, grab his ass and say "damn, I wish you were gay, I'd be all over your ass". Or if he grabs your nipple tell hin " Stop it, or I'll be forced to suck your dick". There are ways to create another opportunity. Just don't do it when his friends are around. He's probably just as afraid of it as you are.

 

[amigo32]

He sounds gay to me.

if he "jokes around" so much....even if he's not, I don't think he'll be offended if you ask him. But I don't think many straight guys would get in a bed naked together, even "as a joke".

You should just ask him casually sometime.

 

[Eagle653]

I too think he's gay. Straight guys don't kiss each other like that, nor get naked in bed together (even as a joke), or rub up against each other, or make leud comments over and over.

Problem is, he says he isn't. Maybe he doesn't want to be, or doesn't realize he is. Either way, I doubt he's going to "play ball" with you until he's more comfortable in his own skin.

If he IS straight, then he's a mind-bender and will continue to spread confusion and twist others' minds all over the place. These people are just downright emotionally expensive to deal with.

I'd just have a heart to heart with him and see where it goes--if you're comfortable with that. Bear in mind that some guys who just aren't out to themselves yet--even in their quiet moments--really resent being confronted with this. It could provoke quite an angry reaction.

Good luck. These types are hard to crack. Let us know what happens!

 

[Jeimuzu]

If he's gay, and you come out, you'll help give him the confidence to do it.

If he's not, then at least you're liberated.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I'd rather re-phrase your question:

NOT as in: Is he gay or not?

But rather as in: Does he want to have sex with you or not?

It looks like that both of you are pretty young guys. You seem to have found your orientation and though you are still largely keeping it to yourself, you know, who you are.

Your friend might not be there yet. He might not be even considering the matter at hand at all. For all we know, he might be your 'rolling with the punches kinda guy', who would swing one way or the other depending on the situation presenting itself. His youth and his 'weird' sense of humor are his strength. No one will take any of his actions too seriously. He is joker kinda dude and that is all the cover he may possibly need.

He has little to win and possibly something to lose, if you confront him directly as in ' You, dude gay or somethin?' So, in all likelihood, he'd say, 'no, dude, no way.'

If you move over to the actions and forget the verbal part for a while, he might be more than willing to play along, provided it all takes place in privacy and at the speed, he is comfortable with.

My advice: for the time being, leave the 'gay thing' out of your equation. Adopt 'the two young dudes foolin' around and exploring their sexuality' approach, should anyone ask.

BUT, if you go there, be prepared to see your friendship either blossom into a full-blown love or wither and wane, as he might wish to do the deeds but would never commit himself to a love relationship, you are craving for.

SC

 

[Soilwork]

What does it matter?

Unless you plan on coming out to him, it's not really fair for you to discuss his orientation, is it?

I mean, if you wanna know, don't you think you should offer up that info first?

 

[hermanding]

if you wanna know his sexuality, you owe him the knowledge of yours. as for his actions, he sounds at least bi with tendencies leaning, gay, or gay and confused.
ding

 

[RicanDAB]

Bear in mind that some guys who just aren't out to themselves yet--even in their quiet moments--really resent being confronted with this. It could provoke quite an angry reaction.

I agree with averageguy on this point. Perfect example was when my friend years ago asked me in the middle of a Burger King whether I was gay. I shot back a "no" .. not angrily but it was one of those defensive no's ... which in hindsight may have answered her question - and it is only recently that I have come to terms with myself and am working on going back to her and recusing myself. A straight guy with no issues about being in the closet or having gay tendencies would not have a harsh reaction to being asked if he was gay. However, keep in mind that some closeted guys are so conscious of this that they can learn to mask this quite well when asked ... I should know since I learned to do it later on.

Based on this, I would not push the issue if your friend says he is not gay. But I would have to wonder if he continues questionable behavior.

 

[JackFTwist]

A lot of straight guys do shit like that. Straight high school and college guys do a lot of wacky things and the stuff you mention is on the par for what I have seen straight guys do. Some guys are much more what you miught call "locker room" guys than other and guys really secure in their straightness can do all the shit you say because they think it is funny. Ever been in a locker room of a football, basketball, or baseball team? None of this is any proof of anythng except he has a sense of humor.

None of us have any way of knowing what he is. That is like asking Senator Frisk to diagnose Terry Schaivo from a videotape - at least he had the videotape and he was totally wrong.

On the other hand, you will never know unless you ask. And you as a closted gay guy aren't going to go on a date unless someone asks someone something and someone else accepts.

Now living in the closet is suffocating. Yeah at college age it can be intimidating as hell to be gay. But closet life is a recipe for depression. Let's say he is gay and you and he finally get that much worked between you - what next? You guys aren't going to be a sexual - or a non-sexual - couple without everyone in the dorm figuring that out. College students can be pretty astute on that stuff. After all, you all are living together in th whole dorm scene.

And if he is straight - hell, I had crushes on a lot of my straight friends in college, its all that young, vital, energetic sort of thing with an age group that radiates sex. But crushes on straight guys is a path to hell. It never gets anywhere - which may be the point, it avoids relationships by having the hits for the unattainable - and if you get him high and drunk and have sex, he'll hate you forever.

Just as pointless as women thinking one good fuck will make a gay guy straight is a man thinking one good fuck with make a straight guy gay.

If you want him - ask him. But be prepared because what ever his answer is, life will happen after that, and that is the tough part.