seeking advice about meeting people/contacting "potential date"

[GreenLagoon]

Hola! I am really inexperienced with relationships and dating, but am ready to give it a go. I don't really know people where I go to school, and am not sure how to go about meeting people. I tried our local GSA, and while it was fun at times, it was also not really the environment I was looking for. It felt a little cliquish and the maturity level of the group, as a whole, was not where I feel I am in my life (to be fair most of the people that attend it are under 20, and while I am only 22 I think that time in your life is a time of vast personal growth) so fitting in was hard. After forcing myself to go for a couple months I decided to seek alternate means, as the GSA meetings weren't getting any easier to attend.

I am incredibly shy around people I don't know, but I am outgoing with those I do know well. This makes it pretty tough to meet people. I am not really into bars or social mixings of that fashion, but in all honesty I also have never really gone to one because I haven't had anyone to go with. The few times I had plans to go they fell through for one reason or another. At the same point in time, I'm not really convinced I would find what I am looking for at a bar. While I am sexually inexperienced, I am not really interested in random hookups or short term, sex-based relationships. I want to do the dating thing and go from there (call me old-fashioned if you want, sue me!). I find the thought of romance and being with someone I care about far far more erotic than random sex.

I recently made an account at an online dating site just to browse and see what the turnout was, and to my surprise I found someone who seems like the type of guy I am interested in dating. The dilemma: how do I go about approaching this? I initially thought about writing an email, basically giving the information my profile would give (I haven't filled it out) in paragraph format, talking about my studies, hobbies and other basics along with the desire to meet as friends or for a possible relationship. The thing I am afraid of is I don't want to come across as a creep or overbearing, which I think an email of any sort of length could do. A part of me feels like I need to have the profile filled out to seem legitimate, but at the same point I am not sure I want a profile on a dating site with my information up and running with my current level of inexperience. I guess I could fill it out, contact him, then delete depending on how it goes. I am typically such a logical person, but in this situation I can't make sense of it.

I dunno, I am just a little torn about what to do. I was so excited last night about the prospect of meeting someone, even if just as a friend, that shared interests with me, was gay, and seemed on the same page as me. If anyone has any wisdom for me, it would be greatly appreciated! Thanks.

 

[Dastarr]

Im almost in the exact same boat as you dating wise mate, it was quite funny to read your post and realise how similar we are in that regard.

I'm actually starting to think of going the other way to what youre doing, In my experience the dating sites are a complete waste of time, having been searching for a good year now.

It dosent help that almost all of the gay dating sites are seedy by default compared to some legit straight ones where people are actually trying to find date material instead of their next fuck.

Add to that its hard to determine how much you actually click or what they look like over the net (varying degrees of pic clarity and not speaking to each other other than in a text box) and you'll find you waste time travelling to some dates when you end up finding out you dont have much in common, they dont look anything like their pictures, or they were really wanting a random sexdate anyway.

at least with RL socialising you can have a bit more control over who you seek out for a chat, and its easier to cut out the 'slutty' guys or whatever isnt your type and not waste time on them.

I know there has been some limited success stories with online, and it does work for some people, just be careful I guess is my advice. You can waste a crapload of time there and come up with nothing on guys that arent worth it.

As for your question, I find it can work either way for or aganst you. A well-filled out profile cuts the crap for people browsing and coming across your profile, lets them know exactly what you are and arent looking for (assuming they read it) whilst wasting that space on a long profile on some sites is pointless, because you'll still get those that dont read it and contact you for sex.

If youre interested in this guy, just say a quick 'didnt want to waste my time filling out my profile because a lot of guys dont read it anyway, but I noticed you like 'whatever' and I think we might be looking for the same thing/have stuff in common, I'd love to chat more if youre interested (insert messenger details, etc)' in your message/email to him can do wonders, saving time whilst aso not looking like a desperate creep.

Good luck mate, its hard out there.

 

[soiram]

Hey there,

I've spent some time on such sites. Indeed my experiences are not the best ones, although I did meet some nice people in between. Personally I don't like it when I see totally empty profiles. It shows somehow indifference and that is not an attractive attribute (at least for me).

I would say that you can contact the guy but do not include you're whole CV in your first message. Just give some basic info about yourself and that you like him (or rather, his profile...there's a difference!). And then you can see where it goes from there.

Good luck!

 

[TX-Beau]

How do you meet a guy.

My experience. You put yourself out there in situations where there are a lot of gay guys. Bars, clubs, groups, parties, whatever.

You may not like the bar "scene," but there are a whole lot of different kinds of "scene." There are a whole lot of different kinds of guys who are in bars.

That goes for all kinds of activities. Judging from the amount of guys who come in here and say the want what you want, it's obvious that there are plenty of gay guys who are looking for what you are.

These guys aren't going to knock on your door, you have to go find them. So get out of the house, join a club, find a gay group that likes to do what you like to do, work on your social skills.

Don't expect to find romeo immediately, even straight people generally go through a lot of dates before finding someone. So have a good time with it, relax.

 

[GreenLagoon]

Thanks so much for the advice guys! I will definitely be wary online about people, and I do think that getting out there in person is the best option even if it scares me. I guess when I said I don't like the "bar scene" I am really deep down saying I don't like crowded, loud places rather than bars specifically. I tend to get super anxious and a little panicky in situations like that, but that's nothing I can't work on. It's definitely not worthy of using as an excuse, which I have been doing. Well that and the fact that I can't dance at all.

Another question: do you guys have any ideas for how to find groups to join were I can have a good shot at meeting some other gay people? Like I mentioned, I tried my local GSA but did not mesh well with the group dynamic. If I don't find anything else, I am planning to return next semester to our GSA since things change as people come and go and there's a good chance the dynamic may have shifted some. Any other suggestions are greatly appreciated, though.

I guess aside from attending groups with a gay focus, what are some ways to get myself out there without just saying "I'm gay; how about you?" to people I meet in an atmosphere that doesn't imply a certain sexuality? I typically can't tell if people are gay or not just from interacting with them, and am not really comfortable just bringing up the topic in a random way.

Thanks again!

 

[treanir]

Wow, I see myself a year as I was ago (and in some ways, I see myself as I am now!)

Thanks so much for the advice guys! I will definitely be wary online about people, and I do think that getting out there in person is the best option even if it scares me. I guess when I said I don't like the "bar scene" I am really deep down saying I don't like crowded, loud places rather than bars specifically. I tend to get super anxious and a little panicky in situations like that, but that's nothing I can't work on. It's definitely not worthy of using as an excuse, which I have been doing. Well that and the fact that I can't dance at all.

A little over a year ago, I never went to gay bars, they made me feel really uncomfortable. I had no idea how to talk to anyone, I hated the music, and, well, being in a gay bar scared me. It was just too far out of my comfort zone to even consider going on a regular basis.

And then I started chatting to a guy on a dating site(!!) on a purely friendly basis. He invited me over to watch a film with him and another bloke, and after that we had drinks at the gay bar that scared me so much before. Now, a year later, I go on a regular basis (though not every weekend), have fun and actually dance! (something I really didn't want to do before)

You never know how these things will happen. You can go to a bar, strike up a chat and make friends that way, or you can find them on a dating site, or you could meet someone via a mutual friend, or..... well, you think of another way. Point is that you put yourself out there, advertise a little (by which I don't mean wearing a pink feather boa, but if people know you're gay, gay friends will follow) and try to relax. Second point: dating sites can be a mixed bag. I wouldn't go friend-hunting on Manhunt, but there are sites that also go for a friendly crowd instead of the regular "wanna fuck" profiles.

 

[Lube]

^Superb advice.

And if you do go to a chat site, go to one that requires a face shot. Generally higher quality people there.