Seeking Advice

[fanfest]

Re: How to come out?

Hmm... I guess rather than make a new thread, I'd add mine here.

My situation is a little bit more awkward... I come from a very Catholic household, so I've been raised with all these morals and values. My parents are devoted Catholics. Whenever something "gay" happens on tv, they dismiss its existence by switching the channel or turning it off.

I work as a teacher in a Catholic School. There has been pressure from the staff to make me find a girl and settle down. I've known the staff since I was a student there. I work professionally whenever I am teaching, but feel that if I come out, I would be dismissed from my position. Not because I'm gay, but rather to save them the trouble of explaining to the 120+ parents. At least that's what I think.

I have friends who have openly expressed their negative views about gay people.

Recently, there was this girl who likes me, but I couldn't reciprocate those feelings back to her. She and I have not officially gone out, nor has a question been asked. But I told her that I couldn't go out with her because I was too focused with work and stuff... She has accepted that, but is still persuing it covertly...

I feel that I am ready, but I have so much to lose if I decide to go through with it. I spoke to an online friend of mine (from here) and he has basically guided me to this point. I am inches away from saying something to someone. But once I say something to one person, it would be common knowledge throughout within two hours (even though I live in the city, people know people who know my family). So I don't have that person to practice with.

I am going away for a month's holiday (to California) and thought I'd come out to my parents then. Then I contemplated whether or not to do it as a letter (I get tongue tied when I get nervous). I'm one of those who prefer to have something down on paper rather that making a whole big spill out of the top of my head.

If I say something to the staff at school before I tell my parents, my parents WILL know about it. If I tell my friends, my parents WILL know about it.

I was reading this chapter called "Ripples" from a book called Loosing Faith in Faith: http://ffrf.org/books/lfif/?t=ripples and thought that something like that can be done in my situation... So that everyone knows about it at the same time. But how should I word it?

If this whole thing is confusing to you, I'm very sorry... Thoughts are everywhere at the moment...

 

[jockboy01]

Well, my advice is this.... you can tell people without the whole world finding out. Some will argue this point, but from my personal experience it is possible. You just have to know who you can trust. It sounds like you really don't want your parents to know primarily. I'm sure that's possible.... just because somebody knows your parents doesn't mean that they are necessarily going to run to them as say "guess what... your son's gay!".

As to school, I don't think it is necessary to be out there. Is there a purpose for coming out there? I can't think of one. If you want to tell staff, that's fine. But it isn't necessary for the students or their parents to know. It is your business. I knew a gay guy who taught at a catholic school once. The staff knew for the most part and never told the students. There are others who will argue with this, but I think being a gay teacher you lose some credibility with some students if they know. I'm just being realistic.

 

[fanfest]

Well with regards to the school, the girl who has a crush on me works there. The staff know that she has a crush on me and have been bugging me whether or not I would do something about it. The girl knows that I know that the knows...

 

[Riverrick]

Well with regards to the school, the girl who has a crush on me works there. The staff know that she has a crush on me and have been bugging me whether or not I would do something about it. The girl knows that I know that the knows...

Hi Fanfest!

I am simply appalled that your workplace is encouraging sexual harassment, because that is what it is. You are there to do your job and nowhere in your job description does it say that you must receive the advances of unmarried women that work with you and go out with them. This is the whole point of all of this sexual discrimination hysteria lately, that things like this are totally out of place at work. Look at the pressure being exerted on you and how it upsets you. Would you allow that to happen to an employee of yours?

That being said, I would either tell them that its your own private business or come out to her separately at some point.

I really think the idea of coming out to your parents first is a good one. With that concern out of the way, you can then decide who and when to come out next. I'm not so sure about the idea of coming out to everyone en mass. That's an awful lot of stress for you.

Good Luck!
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[joeG23]

First off, there are lots of gay Catholics. Your sexuality is none of the school's business; marrying you off is nobody's business but your own either. Even if you were hetero, you wouldn't have to fall for girls others thought were suitable. I think it would be good if you were able to get more support around you to help you through this difficult time for you. Are there gay support groups locally or in a different town? A gay help line? There's a support group for everyone these days - there must be one for gay Catholics. Have you a close friend you can confide in first?

As for the school, it's none of their business. Even if your out, if asked I would tell them 'it's none of your business', and it's none of your pupil's business either. Keep your sexlife and school-life separate, and what's the problem - particularly if you're a good teacher.

You deserve happiness in your life. You're gay. That's just one fact about you. You are the person you are. People should respect that, but don't feel pressured into revealing all your private life to everyone just because you are gay.

Everyone has things about their sex lives or their private lives they would not want discussed in public, why should you just because you are gay? Best of luck. Joe

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Use your one month vacation in California to find a job and move on.

Telling your school and your parents is a cool idea, once your aces are covered and you are sure that you are not going to be harassed, fired, whatever.

Get your plan going; get a good life and let them know, if you feel, they ought to know...


SC

 

[CoolBlue71]

You may want to look into whether you have any legal standing.

If you were to leave this job, I'd suggest that you be teaching in another school system that is a public one.

 

[Riverrick]

One other thing bothers me greatly about this situation. Which is, that you are assumed to be straight until proven otherwise.

I mean, come on! The woman has been making advances, you aren't receiving them, the staff notices.......uh, it doesn't take Einstein to figure out that you might be gay.

This little fricken straight world thinks that everything revolves around them. Its narcissism at its worst.

 

[Soilwork]

Ok fan fest.

You're going to get the Soilwork Special because you need it.

Strap on a pair, dude.. oh my freaking GOD.

It sounds like your entire life is being controlled by those around you. You have no privacy, you have no personal life, you have no autonomy.

you talk about how your friends would pass on any secret to everyone at your job and in your family within minutes... Those aren't friends.

You talk about how your job is pressuring you to make changes in your personal life and they even found a willing wife for you.

How can you live under such a totally repressive strangle hold? any normal person would go insane... and it sounds like that's what's happening.

My advice is this...

Get your own life.

Sorry, but you're going to have to leave your job. You know that, right? You're going to have to move to a new city and get some ACTUAL friends, not just parental conduits.

Get a job where you're allowed a personal life. Move to a new city where you can be your own man, not have your every move become a matter of public record. Get some friends who actually like you and like you for who you are.

Man, it's just insane that you've allowed yourself to get into this situation, and bizarre that you have gotten used to living under a miscroscope and haven't considered moving to a new place.

Sorry, but with your personal and professional lives being run by the wishes of others (I can't imagine having a job where my co-workers pressured me to get married and even picked out a spinster for me), you're going to have to stand up for youself eventually.

Better to do it now while you still have a chance at a normal life.

 

[fanfest]

I already had plans to move to a new city where I can be myself. The reason why I haven't done what I should've done was because of educational and financial purposes. Now that the studying is done and that I've been working as a teacher, I can travel where I please.

At the end of this year, I'm actually going to California as a way to break the shackles... Granted it'll only be a month (and a holiday), but it'll give me that sense of freedom before actually moving away at the beginning of next year.

I'm not sure about the processes to get a working visa while I'm already in the States, but if I find a teaching position there, that would be just perfect. The only downside would be that I have some relatives in Chicago and Houston.

 

[Riverrick]

Chicago or Houston could work if you can maintain your privacy and independence. Otherwise I wouldn't do it. You have a lot riding on this.

Keep us updated!

 

[Soilwork]

The only downside would be that I have some relatives in Chicago and Houston.

America is a VERY big country, and Chicago and Houston about both days away by car... being out of the closet in LA isn't going to make a big difference.

but now..

Good for you. Glad to see that you're taking steps to get a life of your own.

I'm amazed at how few people do that.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Good for you. Glad to see that you're taking steps to get a life of your own.

I'm amazed at how few people do that.

Yup. Fewer and fewer people do that. It looks like that anxiety has become the mood of a generation.

Look, I'd be the last guy here to suggest that taking your own life in your own hands is an easy thing to do. No wonder, so many people chicken out all the time.

But it is the only thing you want to do.

SC

 

[jockboy01]

I will put my two cents in again and say I agree with what most have said. But I'm not convinced you have to change jobs or move to take control of your life. If you want to do those two things, that's fine. But I think it is perfectly possible to stand up for yourself in whatever random place you are in. You'll find supporters there too.

 

[jimminychricket]

by the way, Soilwork? I loooove your avatar. It's so hot! I want that ass!

 

[fanfest]

I came across this link and thought I'd share it with you... it's basically someone publishing his coming out letter. It's a good source of reference, at least for me...

http://www.its.caltech.edu/~meltzner/coming_out_letter.html

 

[Soilwork]

fanfest, that's a great letter.

and if you go to the guy's homepage, he's got a gallery of pics that include him marrying his boyfriend, with his parents there smiling nice and big.. so you know they took it well.

Chin up, it rely does get better if you really want it to.

 

[fanfest]

A direct copy and paste from my blog at myspace...

Last night, I got a phone call from my friend. She and I regularly talk over the phone about stuff... well she talks about her stuff and I just sit there and listen most of the time... Anyways she knows about stalker girl and was interested to know what happened there. So I told her, and she was like... oh ok... We then proceed to talk about other random stuff... Then I mentioned about the three Uni friends of mine (see other blog). She asked me if I had any feelings with any of them. I was like hmmm... well.... uhhh....

Then the question came. "You're not gay, are you?" Instead of me saying no straight away, I just sat there... I could tell that her facial reaction was like ...

She asked me a different question... something along the lines of when i look at guys, do I get some sort of feeling inside... I wasn't drunk at the time... honest I wasn't... but when she asked me that, I said... yes... then no.... then repeatedly said i dunno...

So she asked again... I went all quiet and she was waiting for me to say something... I then asked if our friendship will be affected... she said no... then I just said that "I'm gay". At first, she had nothing to say...

She asked me if I said yes so that the case was dismissed... but she could tell that i had a serious tone to my voice (yes, i can do serious...). She asked how long I've known. I said that I've known for a very long time... long before I met her... but I was going through the stages... like for a long time... I recalled that time when I fainted, it was due to me thinking this through...

My eyes accidentally started to tear up... damn these eyes... anyone want them??

She knew that I've never been with a girl... now she knows the reason why... I told her that I didn't want to go through dating girls and then end up hurting them later on... She saw that I was seriously thinking things through...

She told me that she doesn't care that I'm gay. She wants to see me happy and live my life. She said that she sees me as me... my personal life is just that... (this sounds like something from a movie... ) She appreciated that she could confide in me.. She knows about my life and is worried about me, especially when I end up telling my parents later on down the track (which will be by the end of the year). She has offered her place for me to stay if I need to. She told me that she'll be there to help me out and is expecting me to call her if I start feeling all crap and stuff... So all night, last night, we talked about this. She handled it better than I thought she would. I was going to tell her today, actually... since she wanted to meet up and celebrate a belated birthday.

She also told me to tell you all that if any of you end up hurting me, she'll come and beat you up. XD

She knew about me going to California and I told her the reason why I was gonna go there... She knows that I confide with people on here... my friends... I think she wants to meet you all... lol

I was so nervous when I first told her... but after talking it through, she helped me be ok with it... She actually wanted to go out to this gay club she went to again one day... I was like... hmmm...

Well that's basically what happened last night... minus some other stuff that I choose not to mention If you want to know what those unmentionables are, you'll just have to beat it out of me...

Now the next step would be who to tell next.. and then... family...

 

[operafan]

fanfest, that's a great letter.

and if you go to the guy's homepage, he's got a gallery of pics that include him marrying his boyfriend, with his parents there smiling nice and big.. so you know they took it well.

Chin up, it rely does get better if you really want it to.

Thanks for pointing out the wedding pictures. Have there ever been two boys who looked so happy and with that big family in attendance. That is wonderful.

Fanfest, that is what we would wish for you as well.

 

[Soilwork]

well, good for you, fanfest.

See... a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.

Some people walk the rest of it and some walk to the car and step on the gas.

Let us know when you're coming to California.....