Self-Esteem taking a blow

[KrisGreen]

It started this year and has intensified as I turned 30 shortly after returning here.

Years ago I could get almost any man I wanted. It’s not that I wanna be a whore or anything, I just feel not as special it’s hard to explain. Men would eat out of my hand years ago (it’s a saying.) I’ve been rejected more and more as time goes on via GrindR trying to produce videos or just casual fun which isn’t often. (I just like to know that I CAN.) One younger guy sent me a quote from that Kesha song “Dinosaur.” Yeah ok it’s funny I agree but after awhile it does get to your head.

I get older men belittling me now when I’m not even rude to them. With my job my looks are everything. My subs tell me how cute and sexy I am, and that has never stopped. But when people outside of work are saying different and treating me different, it starts deteriorating my ego. I’ve never had a huge ego, but being KrisHawk it developed but not in a narcissistic way.

I have a history of anorexia and finally got help at 17 and have been happy with my weight since. It’s now starting to resurface after all these years. I find myself staring at the mirror DEPRESSED. I look at everything that’s wrong with me. Now I’m having thoughts of plastic surgery. I’m now starving myself and just realized today I’m dropping weight fast. My jeans are all falling down and I have to tie my basketball shorts tight or they will fall down too.

Perhaps my occupation is showing the other side of the sharp sword after all these years. Then again message after message “not interested” “you’re butt ugly” “not into old guys” “you’re too young for me” “your pictures look fake like a porn model” (make up your minds!)

My personality is the same if anything I’ve been happier overall but my self esteem is beginning to take a tumble. It’s affecting my life now.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Dominus]

First of all, what is your profession? I'm sorry if I missed it.

Have you considered settling down with someone? Both my husband and I have observed over the years guys like you. We have also observed how they started progressively feeling lonely as time leaves them behind.

From my perspective, a friend is not just someone there when it's party time. They're also there when things are tough for you or when you need help. Hookups from grindr are not anywhere near that level of friendship. A long term spouse or even boyfriend is the opposite of a hook-up and will be there for you regardless of if it's fun and party or sadness and trouble.

I have a friend, an ex boyfriend, who I'm still friend with. He recently moved to a new apartment. He needed help moving and I offered to help. He said there will be several other "friends" there as well, so it should only take a day. When the day came, I was the only one that showed up. Because it was just the two of us, it took 2 days, 10 hours each day, to finish moving all his crap. All that time, he called and text everybody. Not a single reply or pick-up.

The thing that really annoyed me was when he had his house warming party, oh my goodness so many people came. They were drinking and dancing and acted like they were all bff's with him.

I'm just telling you my experience. The hook-up culture in the gay community has the habit of leaving people behind once they pass their prime. A long term boyfriend or spouse will always be there for you.

 

[rareboy]

We are more than our body.

The body will always betray us, because it is always changing and to be blunt...getting older
You are lucky to have had a time in life when you attracted attention without having to try hard. A lot of guys might be envious.

Now that you are approaching 30, it is time to face the truth. You are no longer a teen, a twink or even a credible twenty something.

You might have a career for a few years yet as Daddy's 'boy', but you are simply having to confront what we all have had to. You are going to have to figure out what it means to be an adult man. And starving yourself or plastic surgery aren't going to change that fact.

What you should be doing is looking at yourself and thinking about how you can re-invent yourself for your thirties and beyond. And not just physically but emotionally and intellectually.

You can do this.

 

[NotHardUp1]

To have a friend, you must be one.

I think you have friends. Recognize and appreciate that.

As for self-esteem, the eternal youth treadmill is a terrible trap. If you were an actor, I'd have a different perspective, but you're not. Your looks are not exceptional enough for you to invest in them nor would it be a strategy with broad results.

Youth is behind you. Middle age is before you. Create a strategy to be happy without being doted on like a twink or puppy or whatever. Get education, develop an art or skill, try some new career.

I think you'll enjoy the change. And you'll enjoy new circles of friends based on that new interest and path.

 

[Yngbldhwk]

KrisGreen: Are you seeing a therapist for your anorexia? If not, you may want to consider it because it sounds as if it's still a health problem for you. That would be the first thing I'd do if I were you.

Turning 30? It's a number, nothing more. It's normal to feel somewhat depressed about it when you're in your 20s. The world still keeps turning though.

Something I didn't see in your post or profile is what career aspirations you have. It sounds as if you've been successful at social media. That's great, but you should also try some projection. Will you still be doing the same thing in ten years? Twenty? Even if you are still able to do so, will you want to do so? Some career counseling and testing might help you discover new avenues that you might not have realized were available.

All of us, provided we don't die prematurely, will reach an age where our looks fade. What remains? Our intelligence, our integrity, our character. Those kind of things last longer -- and are a lot more valuable -- than how we look.

 

[KrisGreen]

I’m married. I appreciate your response because it solidifies how I feel about the superficial aspects of the modern gay hook up culture.

First of all, what is your profession? I'm sorry if I missed it.

Have you considered settling down with someone? Both my husband and I have observed over the years guys like you. We have also observed how they started progressively feeling lonely as time leaves them behind.

From my perspective, a friend is not just someone there when it's party time. They're also there when things are tough for you or when you need help. Hookups from grindr are not anywhere near that level of friendship. A long term spouse or even boyfriend is the opposite of a hook-up and will be there for you regardless of if it's fun and party or sadness and trouble.

I have a friend, an ex boyfriend, who I'm still friend with. He recently moved to a new apartment. He needed help moving and I offered to help. He said there will be several other "friends" there as well, so it should only take a day. When the day came, I was the only one that showed up. Because it was just the two of us, it took 2 days, 10 hours each day, to finish moving all his crap. All that time, he called and text everybody. Not a single reply or pick-up.

The thing that really annoyed me was when he had his house warming party, oh my goodness so many people came. They were drinking and dancing and acted like they were all bff's with him.

I'm just telling you my experience. The hook-up culture in the gay community has the habit of leaving people behind once they pass their prime. A long term boyfriend or spouse will always be there for you.

 

[KrisGreen]

I agree with you on so much of what you just said. Yes I’m seeing my DR. She’s concerned and said If I don’t gain 10 pounds in 6 months she wants to hospitalize me. She told me to drink a slim fast with each meal AND snack. I gained half a pound in 2 weeks.

I think the age thing will just need some adjusting.

KrisGreen: Are you seeing a therapist for your anorexia? If not, you may want to consider it because it sounds as if it's still a health problem for you. That would be the first thing I'd do if I were you.

Turning 30? It's a number, nothing more. It's normal to feel somewhat depressed about it when you're in your 20s. The world still keeps turning though.

Something I didn't see in your post or profile is what career aspirations you have. It sounds as if you've been successful at social media. That's great, but you should also try some projection. Will you still be doing the same thing in ten years? Twenty? Even if you are still able to do so, will you want to do so? Some career counseling and testing might help you discover new avenues that you might not have realized were available.

All of us, provided we don't die prematurely, will reach an age where our looks fade. What remains? Our intelligence, our integrity, our character. Those kind of things last longer -- and are a lot more valuable -- than how we look.

 

[KrisGreen]

Thanks. It means a lot. I know everything you’re saying is true but it’s helpful to hear it from others.

We are more than our body.

The body will always betray us, because it is always changing and to be blunt...getting older
You are lucky to have had a time in life when you attracted attention without having to try hard. A lot of guys might be envious.

Now that you are approaching 30, it is time to face the truth. You are no longer a teen, a twink or even a credible twenty something.

You might have a career for a few years yet as Daddy's 'boy', but you are simply having to confront what we all have had to. You are going to have to figure out what it means to be an adult man. And starving yourself or plastic surgery aren't going to change that fact.

What you should be doing is looking at yourself and thinking about how you can re-invent yourself for your thirties and beyond. And not just physically but emotionally and intellectually.

You can do this.