Serious Question Regarding Coming Out To Straight Friends

[Nomenclature]

........Why is it that, in every personal account i've read over the past year, a gay guy always comes out to his straight friend(s) because he's madly in love with them?

Honestly, i've come out to quite a few straight guys over the past few years. They were weird about it for awhile, because they thought I wanted to fuck them and wasn't sure if they could let their guard down around me. Basically, I had to wind up telling them to get over themselves, because I valued their friendship but had no desire at all to sleep with them. Sure enough, they began to slowly open up to me and actually accept my sexuality at this point. Hell, one straight guy actually told me that it was "awesome that you're my gay friend", and we'd have a blast asking each other questions about sex, relationships, taste in music, what we find attractive etc. We respected each other's identity and boundaries, and we never crossed them.

....This may only be my moronic opinion, but I think the problem is less about your orientation and more about you simply being in love with them and ruining the friendship; I've talked to quite a few straight men with female friends, actually. . .and in some cases the girl wound up having a crush on the guy. If the feeling isn't mutual, then they do NOT want to continue talking to her. Hell, my first crush ever was on a GAY guy. I confessed how I felt, and he didn't feel the same way about me at all. He rather coldly ditched me and avoided me completely after that.



Conclusion: No, i'm not making fun of anyone. I realize that we can't help who we fall in love with, but maybe people just aren't exactly as homophobic as you might think? \()/ Do you have any experiences of coming out to straight men and maintaining a friendship with them without sex getting in the way?

 

[lightning718]

........Why is it that, in every personal account i've read over the past year, a gay guy always comes out to his straight friend(s) because he's madly in love with them?

Honestly, i've come out to quite a few straight guys over the past few years. They were weird about it for awhile, because they thought I wanted to fuck them and wasn't sure if they could let their guard down around me. Basically, I had to wind up telling them to get over themselves, because I valued their friendship but had no desire at all to sleep with them. Sure enough, they began to slowly open up to me and actually accept my sexuality at this point. Hell, one straight guy actually told me that it was "awesome that you're my gay friend", and we'd have a blast asking each other questions about sex, relationships, taste in music, what we find attractive etc. We respected each other's identity and boundaries, and we never crossed them.

....This may only be my moronic opinion, but I think the problem is less about your orientation and more about you simply being in love with them and ruining the friendship; I've talked to quite a few straight men with female friends, actually. . .and in some cases the girl wound up having a crush on the guy. If the feeling isn't mutual, then they do NOT want to continue talking to her. Hell, my first crush ever was on a GAY guy. I confessed how I felt, and he didn't feel the same way about me at all. He rather coldly ditched me and avoided me completely after that.



Conclusion: No, i'm not making fun of anyone. I realize that we can't help who we fall in love with, but maybe people just aren't exactly as homophobic as you might think? ()/ Do you have any experiences of coming out to straight men and maintaining a friendship with them without sex getting in the way?

You ever thought that maybe gays arent the real problem here,that maybe it has alot to do with how str8 guys tend to obsess more over what gays do in bed than we dbviously not all str8 men are like this,but a sizable number are just plain homophobic.No matter how we approach str8 guys they always run away like little bitches.They run off like a chicken with its freakin head cut off.Or put on some song and dance about how they have no problem with "fags" as long as they keep to themselves,when none of that nonsense is required.The str8 guys who are really secure with themselves will not make an issue out of what gay men do.It would not phase them.If a str8 person really isnt homophobic,then coming out to them wouldnt be an issue either.Therefore in the end,you will be able to keep that person as a friend.This isnt about sex,its about the cliche stereotypes of gay men and ill-informed machoism that seems to thrive amongst most str8 men.Dont sit here and rationalize the stupidity and ignorance of homophobes,obviously their homophobia is their problem....not ours!

 

[Lube]

For truly straight guys, I think there's some truth to what you say. Nobody (gay or straight guy) wants a "clingy" friend who we know deep down inside has a crush on us. Friends like that are unbearable.

However, because (as Stacy alluded to so well) my pet theory is that (surprise!) people hang around with people who are like themselves (shocking, isn't it?), many (most?) straight friends are closeted or in denial.

That concept isn't really surprising when you think about it. How many guys here insist that they're gay and no one knows. Isn't that exactly what we're talking about here?

You can't have one without the other.

 

[KaraBulut]

The nature of male friendships is that there's a lot of emotion that tends to confuse guys. The whole "bromance" thing is a way of making fun of the fact that many guys wish their girlfriends were more like their male friends.

So, if you suddenly take away the safe harbor of "no homo" then of course things get weird for a while.

It's going to take a while but when more gay people are out at an early age and more straight guys have gay friends, the whole thing won't be as new and as weird.

 

[Lube]

Do you have any experiences of coming out to straight men and maintaining a friendship with them without sex getting in the way?

I came out to a very close friend of mine during my divorce... and he thought the "secret" I was going to tell him was that my (ex-)wife was a lesbian.

I did not crush on him nor did I come out because of him. (Although I have crushed on other guys and came out to them and backed off completely when they said they weren't interested.)

I just didn't post it all here.

But, really, the reason a lot of gay guys come out is because they want sex and/or a relationship with someone, and they're smart enough to realize that they have to come out for it to happen. (The stupid ones are those guys who refuse to come out. Um, nothing's going to happen.) In other words, coming out is perceived as difficult, so there has to be some candy on the other side to make the pain worth it.

So don't think these gay guys crushing on their friends are stupid or weird or anything. It's completely normal. I mean a straight guy crushing on a woman needs to tell her he's crushing on her, he just doesn't have to tell her that he's hetero.

 

[Elwood]

My situation is a little different, I came out to my two best friends when I was 41 after knowing them for 30+ years. I can definitely say sex will never get in the way with us eww lol. I must say though, they are more like brothers to me.

A funny story, the 3 of us always get together with our families at New Years. This year after a few drinks it was just the 3 of us outside by the fire and we started talking about me being gay. So my friend brings up this story about me hitting on one of our other friends some 20 years ago, I was very surprised, it actually did happen but I had thought that no one ever knew about it and I had forgotten about it. But then my friend started joking asking "How come you never hit on us??" it was like he was insulted ha-ha. Well I thought it was funny anyways.

I have not had any problems with my straight friends since I came out.

 

[TX-Beau]

........Why is it that, in every personal account i've read over the past year, a gay guy always comes out to his straight friend(s) because he's madly in love with them?

Because gay men who come out to straight guys who don't care and aren't crushes make for no problems. Hence no threads.

Per the other discussion. There are plenty of closet cases calling themselves straight Stacy, they are out there. They call themselves straight guys, they hang around with straight guys, they go on double dates with you and your friends, they marry your sister, then they come in here and insist they're just that sneaky, they call themselves all kind of things, that doesn't make them straight. No, not every guy calling himself straight is a straight guy. That's just life.

Now, that said, the closet case is never the guy you're crushing on. And yes, most guys are in fact straight. AND I mean that, I think most people on the planet are straight. Not Bi, not some kind of Kinsey rainbow. Just because there is a spectrum doesn't mean that there's an even distribution across it. I think most people clump way down on the straight end, then you have a much smaller sample across the spectrum to another clump down on the gay end.

Whether that's societal or innate, is a question that interests me not at all. In the world we live in - and we in the gay an bi community rarely want to acknowledge this (just wait and see all the indignation about how we are all "some" level of bi,), most people are not bi, they're not gay, they are in fact straight.

 

[texan_slant]

Conclusion: No, i'm not making fun of anyone. I realize that we can't help who we fall in love with, but maybe people just aren't exactly as homophobic as you might think? ()/ Do you have any experiences of coming out to straight men and maintaining a friendship with them without sex getting in the way?

100% of my friends are straight; I've come out to most of them, and none of them have been weirded out. One of them, I came out to initially because I was in love with him, and not necessarily because I had any expectations, but because I thought that he deserved to know that someone loved him deeply in this life.

 

[Nomenclature]

And many guys are freaked out by anyone's admission of "crushes" and "love." It's just their nature to not know what to do with that information.

I don't think it's fair to say that it's a "guy" thing; It's just flat-out awkward to have someone you're not interested in at all be madly in love with you.

Think of it this way: Let's say that a gay man has a best female friend. After some time of being really good friends, she finally confesses that she loves him and wants to have sex with him. . .don't you think he'd be at least a little weirded out, and that it would ruin the friendship?

I figure that's exactly how a straight guy feels when his friend says that he loves him. . .except in most cases, he's also shocked to learn that his friend had been gay the entire time and hadn't told him. THAT sounds like the issue to me.

 

[Lube]

100% of my friends are straight

How can you say that if you, yourself, are closeted? You're the only closeted guy on the planet?

 

[Lube]

I figure that's exactly how a straight guy feels when his friend says that he loves him. . .except in most cases, he's also shocked to learn that his friend had been gay the entire time and hadn't told him. THAT sounds like the issue to me.

Do you believe it to be common that a straight friend (man or woman) could be best friends with a closeted person and never have any suspicions at all that their best friend is gay?

How surprising is it when they do finally come out?

 

[Nomenclature]

Do you believe it to be common that a straight friend (man or woman) could be best friends with a closeted person and never have any suspicions at all that their best friend is gay?

Yeah, I knew a guy like that actually who only told everyone once he graduated college and moved away. No one believed him for the longest time.


I also knew a guy whose two close friends were secretly a couple for over 4 years, and never told anyone. When he found out, he was FURIOUS and never spoke to them again.

How surprising is it when they do finally come out?

Meanwhile, i've also known people who KNEW their friend was gay and teased him about it just to get him to come out already and get it over with. It works both ways, I guess.

 

[TX-Beau]

I understand what you're saying but I also think it's a man thing in the sense that being stereotypical here, most women won't be freaked by her male friend telling her he's into her unless he's a gay man, because as we've been told and conditioned to believe, straight men cannot be just friends with straight women.

So the women would not be surprised. Men, however, would be a bit surprised if their male friend one day came out to them and then said "and I want you."

See, I have to disagree here. Every time that a female friend of mine had some guy she wasn’t interested in tell her he was interested, it made things weird. This has nothing to do with straight guys being able to be friends with women; or gay men among themselves, or straight guys with whomever.

This has nothing to do with sex role socialization. It does make things difficult when someone you would never consider declares their feelings for you.

 

[Lube]

Yeah, I knew a guy like that ...

Here's my original quote that you were responding to, with emphasis added:

Originally Posted by Lube
Do you believe it to be common that a straight friend (man or woman) could be best friends with a closeted person and never have any suspicions at all that their best friend is gay?

we've been told and conditioned to believe, straight men cannot be just friends with straight women.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. They just don't relate to each other as straight people. Gay men do often relate to straight women, and lesbians to straight men. Ever wonder why?

In my opinion, and I admit it is just opinion, a great percentage of straight men are not sitting around wondering if their buddy is a gay guy, no matter what "signs" that person is supposedly giving off. I just don't see them thinking anything of it.

Your best friend:

• hasn't dated a woman in years
• doesn't really talk about hot women
• is secretive about his sex life and relationships
• never takes up your suggestions for women that he might date
• doesn't go to singles events

... and you're telling me it would never cross your mind that maybe, just maybe, he might be gay?

He's your best friend, your soulmate, and you don't care enough about him to wonder why he isn't satisfied sexually or romantically?

Some "best" friend you'd be.

 

[Lube]

What part of "gay best friend" did you not understand here?

GAY. GAY. GAY.

I'll say it again.

GAY.

I'm confused.

Originally Posted by stacyphierce
In my opinion, and I admit it is just opinion, a great percentage of straight men are not sitting around wondering if their buddy is a gay guy, no matter what "signs" that person is supposedly giving off. I just don't see them thinking anything of it.

 

[KaraBulut]

Straight men are not as concerned with the status of their male counterparts in the way you seem to think they are. They're more worried about getting laid, what team won last night, having a good job and making their mothers proud.

You forgot "their kids".

And beer.

(not always in that order, though)

 

[Lube]

Straight men are not as concerned with the status of their male counterparts in the way you seem to think they are. They're more worried about getting laid, what team won last night, having a good job and making their mothers proud.

And you think the guy you describe has gay friends, closeted or not?

I think he'd be much more likely to have lesbian friends than gay ones. He'd have a lot more in common with them.

 

[tallguy297]

I am really beginning to think that some people are slow learners, and that the subtle approach doesnt work.

Leave the directed attacks, the personal conversations out of this forum.

Focus on the OP, the thread and the topic, not each other. The OP isnt interested. The members are not interested. I'm not interested.

Last warning.



TG

 

[Nomenclature]

In my opinion, and I admit it is just opinion, a great percentage of straight men are not sitting around wondering if their buddy is a gay guy

lmao Probably not.


And to answer the other question: It seems like most straight guys wouldn't think that their friend was gay unless he acted stereotypically flamboyant, or spoke with the "lisp". If he just never went out with girls and clammed up, they'd probably just think he was a loser.

Hell, my army buddy noticed that I was never really talking to girls all that much. . .so he wanted to take me to a strip club to get a lapdance from a girl. He never said "Hmm, maybe you're a faggot. . ."

I am really beginning to think that some people are slow learners, and that the subtle approach doesnt work.

Leave the directed attacks, the personal conversations out of this forum.

Focus on the OP, the thread and the topic, not each other. The OP isnt interested. The members are not interested. I'm not interested.

Last warning.



TG

 

[Lube]

It seems like most straight guys wouldn't think that their friend was gay unless he acted stereotypically flamboyant, or spoke with the "lisp". If he just never went out with girls and clammed up, they'd probably just think he was a loser.

Hell, my army buddy noticed that I was never really talking to girls all that much. . .so he wanted to take me to a strip club to get a lapdance from a girl. He never said "Hmm, maybe you're a faggot. . ."

Thinking and saying are not the same thing. Just because he never said you're a faggot didn't mean he didn't think it. Maybe he was actually a nice guy and didn't want you thrown out? He couldn't say it in the era of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

And I personally don't think someone's best friend would think his friend was a loser, in any case. Who wants to be best friends with a loser? I sure don't.