Sero-discordant relationship

[jstud]

I am in a relationship with a guy who is HIV positive. We don't have sex because of my concern about getting HIV. We've basically been doing the same thing for 6-7 years, basically not having sex. Recently I've been wanting to have sex outside of the relationship, because of the fact I really cannot have sex with my partner. I spoke to my partner about this and he is taking it pretty badly. Am I in the wrong for wanting to have my sexual relations outside the relationship rather than inside.

I don't feel like I am doing anything wrong if I am honest, but there is still some guilt there. I know some people will say that I could easily get HIV outside of the relationship but I tend to choose my partners wisely and I always stay safe. The only person I have been with who I know has HIV is my partner. I am desperate for some advice and information. I am scared that this is going to destroy my relationship with my partner which I don't want. I looked hard for information on the internet but could find nothing. Please help.

 

[AbnormalDann]

If your partner is not okay with this, and you feel you'd still like to, you should take some time apart or break up. (If they'd even be willing to take time apart in this situation.)

If your partner doesn't want you to, then you can either refrain and continue being with your partner or go your separate ways. It wouldn't be fair for your partner for you to have sex outside of the relationship if they don't condone it.

I hope you find your answer! You deserve to be happy, and if that means finding someone you can have sexual intercourse with, then you need to do what is best for you, just be as open as you can with your partner.

It seems that no matter the outcome, one of you might be hurt by the result. (You for not having sex, or your partner.) Time heals all wounds however, I firmly believe that.

 

[jstud]

That's a good answer. Thanks for the advice. It would mean I couldn't have sex for the rest of my life if I choose to stay with this person, which is what I want to do. The sad thing is that down the line I might regret not having sex, which is actually the most probable outcome, that I'll regret it. I don't want to break up the relationship because I love my partner and have created a home with him, yet I don't see myself as someone who is strictly monogamous either, because I think its boring and I don't want to become a boring person. Its a tough situation.

 

[altlover85]

That's a good answer. Thanks for the advice. It would mean I couldn't have sex for the rest of my life if I choose to stay with this person, which is what I want to do. The sad thing is that down the line I might regret not having sex, which is actually the most probable outcome, that I'll regret it. I don't want to break up the relationship because I love my partner and have created a home with him, yet I don't see myself as someone who is strictly monogamous either, because I think its boring and I don't want to become a boring person. Its a tough situation.

I need some clarification, if you don't mind.

Do you mean you have no sex with him and haven't for 7 years, ever since you met? By sex do you mean just anal or oral too? What about handjobs?

 

[KaraBulut]

Since your post is in Health & Well-being, my first impulse was to talk about the issue of viral load and discordant partners.

But Is this really about your partner's HIV status or is it about your desire to have sex outside the relationship?

 

[jstud]

Well, a bit of both KaraBulut. Perhaps if the HIV didn't exist I wouldn't feel this way. But we do some small stuff like oral because it is relatively safe, but not much else. I am not totally sure what to think. I do think monogamy is overrated and I don't think having sex with other will necessarily destroy the relationship, but I could be naive. I don't think someone who is HIV positive should expect their partner NOT to screw around outside the relationship, seeing as sex within the relationship could be a hazard.

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

Check out the site below. TheBody.com Many questions in the Magnetic Couples forum that may address your angst and particular circumstance. Best of luck to you and your partner.
http://www.thebody.com/Forums/AIDS/Couples/

 

[AbnormalDann]

If you're determined to have sex, my opinion would be to leave your partner. You're going to hurt him if you cheat on him, or if you leave him for another man. Which would you rather be accountable for? It doesn't seem like you're going to be able to stay with him and not have sex with someone else in the long-run. (Forgive my assumption, but your posts seem to point in that direction.)

You really need to decide if you can be with him happily and not cheat on him or persuade/guilt him to allow you to find someone to have sex with. If he's not willing to allow you to sleep with another man, don't try and persuade him unless he seems open to it. (Which your comment hints he isn't.) Although sex isn't the only part of a relationship, it seems like one you need/want that is more than what you've told us you do, and no one judges you for that, but you need to come to a decision.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[altlover85]

I thought people could do anal sex with condoms with someone that's HIV positive and not necessarily get HIV? What I mean is, I don't think that just because you have sex with someone that is positive, that it means you will definitely end up with HIV at some point.

 

[AbnormalDann]

I thought people could do anal sex with condoms with someone that's HIV positive and not necessarily get HIV? What I mean is, I don't think that just because you have sex with someone that is positive, that it means you will definitely end up with HIV at some point.

You are correct, but for some, the risk is still too much in case the condom slips or rips. It seems in this case, the OP might deem the risk too much to do anything other than oral. (Not sure what the risk is from oral, pretty low I think as long as there are no sores or fluids exchanged in the mouth.)

 

[jstud]

Condoms do rip, thats the thing. I've been drinking whiskey so its hard to answer these questions right now. I think that its possible that my partner could be open to me having other relationships, but hes just not happy about it at the moment. I don't know what to think. I don't want to end the relationship because I care for my partner. Its very complicated at the moment. I think the relationship could carry on if I did have sex with other men and I still loved my partner. I don't see a problem, but clearly some people do.

 

[altlover85]

Condoms do rip, thats the thing. I've been drinking whiskey so its hard to answer these questions right now. I think that its possible that my partner could be open to me having other relationships, but hes just not happy about it at the moment. I don't know what to think. I don't want to end the relationship because I care for my partner. Its very complicated at the moment. I think the relationship could carry on if I did have sex with other men and I still loved my partner. I don't see a problem, but clearly some people do.

I'm wondering why this issue is now at the forefront when you've been together for years. How long have you known he was positive?

 

[jstud]

I knew from the beginning. We always play safe. The only thing we do is oral stuff, mostly him blowing me because that's the only thing I know is 99.99% safe.

A lot of gay people have open relationships. I don't see a big deal with it, especially seeing as I really cannot have sex with my partner.

 

[altlover85]

I knew from the beginning. We always play safe. The only thing we do is oral stuff, mostly him blowing me because that's the only thing I know is 99.99% safe.

A lot of gay people have open relationships. I don't see a big deal with it, especially seeing as I really cannot have sex with my partner.

If you knew from the beginning, did you know you wouldn't be satisfied sexually from the beginning?

I'm just not understanding why this came up now, as opposed to a year into the relationship.

I don't think open relationships are bad personally, but both partners have to be on the same page.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, a bit of both KaraBulut. Perhaps if the HIV didn't exist I wouldn't feel this way.

Thanks for answering the question honestly.

The answer is a 2 part-er.

Much of the medical answer will depend on whether your partner is on HAART and what his viral load is. The studies- both with same sex couples and opposite sex couples- say that if a person with HIV is on HAART and has a negligible viral load, then the risk of HIV transmission is extremely low. Why? Because if you're practicing safer sex practices with someone who has a near-zero viral load, your risk is actual less than if you were taking your chances with someone whose HIV status is unknown.

If you partner is not on HAART and does not know his viral load, then that's going to contribute to your anxiety over the issue.

Which brings us to the second part of the answer- the question of your fear of being infected by your partner and your desire to have an open relationship.

Open relationships are only open if both parties agree that they are open. If one person doesn't agree or doesn't know, then that's cheating. And cheating is a great way to hurt your relationship.

There's not an easy answer here because the elephant in the room is why- if you're practicing safer sex and your partner is on HAART- would you be more fearful of having sex with your partner versus having sex with someone whose status you did not know?

 

[cavedweller]

I thought people could do anal sex with condoms with someone that's HIV positive and not necessarily get HIV? What I mean is, I don't think that just because you have sex with someone that is positive, that it means you will definitely end up with HIV at some point.

That's absolutely true. I think that think that they are airing on the side of caution by
discounting all poz guys when in fact, it just shows how really ignorant they are to the facts. That's more scary than anything.

 

[cavedweller]

I am in a relationship with a guy who is HIV positive. We don't have sex because of my concern about getting HIV. We've basically been doing the same thing for 6-7 years, basically not having sex. Recently I've been wanting to have sex outside of the relationship, because of the fact I really cannot have sex with my partner. I spoke to my partner about this and he is taking it pretty badly. Am I in the wrong for wanting to have my sexual relations outside the relationship rather than inside.

I don't feel like I am doing anything wrong if I am honest, but there is still some guilt there. I know some people will say that I could easily get HIV outside of the relationship but I tend to choose my partners wisely and I always stay safe. The only person I have been with who I know has HIV is my partner. I am desperate for some advice and information. I am scared that this is going to destroy my relationship with my partner which I don't want. I looked hard for information on the internet but could find nothing. Please help.

There's no rule that says that anal sex must require a condom. There are enough toys and stimulation devices that and exchange of bodily fluids is not necessary to enjoy sex. I don't think that this is something worth breaking up a valuable relationship for.
"I broke up with him because condoms do rip". Does that sound like a good enough reason to end a relationship? It sounds as if there is a communication problem between the two of you that must be solved first. If that actually cannot be solved due to stubbornness or any other reason, then that is the real reason to end the relationship. Finding a way to safely have sex shouldn't be a problem for two willing, open and imaginative partners.