Sex Drying Up But the BF Stills Jerks Off

[PABOY121]

Hi guys,

So my boyfriend and I have been together for around 8 months now. He's my first boyfriend and I really like him a lot. We get along great and he makes me really happy. Being my first boyfriend, I hadn't been with guys before, so it's obviously an exploratory phase of finding out what I like/ don't like. He's 29 and I'm 24. He's had several long-ish relationships (one lasting three years), and before we had really started dating he told me about things he had done/ been interested in. The problem is that we don't have sex that often. I've attempted talking to him about it and he says that he finds me attractive, he just doesn't necessarily find me "sexy" in that animalistic way. He says I should be more confident about my body/self but almost every time I go to initiate sex, he says he isn't in the mood. If he got shot down as many times as I have lately he wouldn't be very confident either. I'm just at a loss for what to do. I know he stills jerks off daily (I accidentally saw his phone history one time when he was showing me something on it) and it's full of porn. I just don't know how to feel good about myself if the person I'm into feels the need to go jerk off to people having sex in order to get off instead of having it with me. What're your guys' opinions? Am I over-reacting to the situation or would you be worried,too? Any input helps guys. Thanks!

 

[aaggii]

When a guy prefers porn over real sex, it´s a psychological problem, basically they are too accustomed for something fast with no extra effort that ends with the same result. Basically, no work to get the goood stuff.

You can´t do anything if he is not willing to accept it and try to fix this issue. In theory, it´s as simple as not watching porn anymore, this way slowly his desire for real sex will come out again. In practice, however...

 

[LuckysRevenge]

He is making it out to seem like this is YOUR problem and that he is just going to do what he does until you fix it. That's not how relationships work and that is pretty selfish on his part.

Secondly, if this is happening only 8 months into the relationship, that's not a good sign at all.

I would talk to him about it again and really have a heart-to-heart about where your relationship is headed. His lack of effort is more alarming than anything. I'm not sure this is the right fit for you.

 

[weinerslav]

Hi

You should read the sticky thread "Sex Is A Need In Your Relationship" it helped me a lot... I was stuck in a 9 year relationship where the sex dried out after 2-3 years, slowly it became worse and worse, no matter how hard I would try to fix it, in the end he made me feel guilty I wanted more, that I would only think about that, that it doesn't matter that much. Honestly, try to talk to him and see where it goes, if it doesn't work out, demand what you need, get out of it and look for something that works for you. It's very hard in a first time real relationship to realize when you should stop, what I learned is that you should never doubt yourself, if you think something is wrong, probably it is.

 

[Seasoned]

Don't let this go much longer. If he's not willing or able to work this out with you, I'd suggest you end the relationship. Believe me, you don't want to be talking about this issue month after month or year after year. It's not like you have had a long history and this is a sudden change.

 

[KaraBulut]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for around 8 months now...He's 29 and I'm 24...The problem is that we don't have sex that often...

Secondly, if this is happening only 8 months into the relationship, that's not a good sign at all.

^QFT

In the OP, you didn't define "that often" but the bottom line is that you want more sex and he isn't taking that seriously and instead, he's trying to make it sound like it's your issue and not an issue for both of you to deal with.

There's a lot of things that can lead to reduced sexual activity in a relationship- age of the people, age of the relationship, stressful periods, etc. None of that seems to apply here.

But for an 8 month relationship between two 20-somethings to be having sex "not that often", it doesn't portend well for the survival of the relationship. It's not that relationships have to have sex to be successful. On the other hand, communication is critical for the survival of a relationship and the fact that he's not communicating, he's not taking your want for more sex seriously and he's trying to blame the issue on you- that is the fatal flaw.

Don't let this go much linger. If he's not willing or able to work this out with you, I'd suggest you end the relationship.

Make that two votes for you ending the relationship and moving on.


You're 24. Every relationship is a learning experience. This was your first relationship and hopefully, you'll take the things you learned (good or bad) into the next relationship to make better choices. And hopefully, you'll meet someone who takes your physical needs (whether that means affection or plain ol' fucking) seriously.

 

[mbamike]

Try having a serious talk with the BF. You two should be fucking like rabbits. If he refuses, then I also vote to end the relationship.

 

[innocentbychoice]

I'd be worried too. It's one thing if you guys have sex regularly and he still jerks off (everyone does) but it's something completely different if he's not willing to have sex with you at all! I feel you, being rejected sucks. You guys really need to talk this through and try to solve it or see what's going on, or else, your confidence is going to be even lower and things won't work. Have you found anything "suspicious" on his phone besides porn?

 

[TX-Beau]

^QFT

In the OP, you didn't define "that often" but the bottom line is that you want more sex and he isn't taking that seriously and instead, he's trying to make it sound like it's your issue and not an issue for both of you to deal with.

There's a lot of things that can lead to reduced sexual activity in a relationship- age of the people, age of the relationship, stressful periods, etc. None of that seems to apply here.

But for an 8 month relationship between two 20-somethings to be having sex "not that often", it doesn't portend well for the survival of the relationship. It's not that relationships have to have sex to be successful. On the other hand, communication is critical for the survival of a relationship and the fact that he's not communicating, he's not taking your want for more sex seriously and he's trying to blame the issue on you- that is the fatal flaw.




Make that two votes for you ending the relationship and moving on.


You're 24. Every relationship is a learning experience. This was your first relationship and hopefully, you'll take the things you learned (good or bad) into the next relationship to make better choices. And hopefully, you'll meet someone who takes your physical needs (whether that means affection or plain ol' fucking) seriously.

This is your best advice. 8 months seems like forever at 24, but it's really nothing. Don't waste valuable youth on bad relationships. If he won't fuck you, won't tell you why (he actually did, you should also listen when your BF talks,) perhaps it's time to move along to a guy who wants to have sex with you.

I wasn't ready to settle down until my thirties, that's not uncommon in any way.